The Brightest Shadow, page 58
"I'm trying too hard, I think. My body felt so heavy coming over here that I thought I might fall over."
Slaten tilted his head to the side, examining her. "Your movements did not seem flawed. If you give your mind a break, I think that might be sufficient."
She smiled at that, wondering what working too hard would look like for Slaten. One morning she had seen him sparring with Celivia, their blows reflecting into their own bodies and leaving them covered in blood. That was not for her, but she did aim to work hard in her own way. If her form was still good, then perhaps she did just need to let her mind rest.
"Slaten, are you happy here?" The question came out before she had fully thought it through and part of Tani regretted it. Slaten considered it seriously, his face giving no indication of his thoughts.
"I enjoy having the time to train, but the environment is too much like a prison. Most of the workers and soldiers are blindfolded when they leave, in case they're captured. Everyone goes out on assignment, but few understand the complete picture. I'm not sure they're any closer to taking back a city in East Corah, much less ending the war."
Tani had seen him investigating the groups that left the base, but that wasn't what interested her. "I dislike that part too, but even if this place wasn't like a prison, it feels incomplete to me. There's not enough of... normal life, I suppose. It's the same bread every day, the same training, the same few rooms. I don't see many people engaging with what I'd call real life."
"For us, that may be so. Many of the workers might not agree. This is normal life to them, not a military base, and they seem to enjoy it."
"Ah... that is true." Tani considered that seriously, realizing that her sight had been limited. She focused only on warriors when the resistance had many other members. Thinking back, she did remember many of them laughing with one another during mealtimes, others flirting, some simply relaxing. There was normal life here, she simply wasn't a part of it.
Before she could say anything else, Tani saw someone striding into the room. She instinctively pushed off the wall and regretted it, her body aching and threatening to fall to the ground. Ignoring the heaviness, she turned and examined Destrela.
"Old man, we need to talk."
Nodding absently, Master Balunel set aside his harp and rose to his feet. Tani watched him as he walked across the chamber, tapping his feet against the stone ahead to avoid stumbling. She was still uncertain about his movements. Though she believed that he was blind, he seemed to have additional senses. She had never once seen him confused or startled by a trained warrior, which was unsurprising given his sein senses, yet he seemed to have inconsistent awareness of his environment, which she didn't understand.
Whatever technique he used, he moved to talk to Destrela quickly. The two of them spoke in low voices, and even though Tani strained her ears, she couldn't pick up any of the words. If only she had the time to expand her senses... but perhaps she could train those techniques once she'd deepened her understanding of her sein. One goal at a time.
After confirming something, Destrela crossed her arms irritably and loitered in the training room. Master Balunel wandered away unconcerned. Based on Destrela's body language, Tani guessed that she would soon march out of the room again, but before she could do so, Celivia set aside her water and walked up to her.
"You're short-handed, aren't you?" Celivia spoke loudly enough that Tani could hear, though she still moved closer. Destrela scowled.
"Things are changing faster now. The Deathspawn aren't just hitting military targets, they have new allies that are forging truces and targeting towns. I don't know anything else, so stop asking."
"But you need qualified people to scout the new conditions. I-"
Destrela narrowed her eyes to murderous slits. "What I need are people who will obey orders, not challenge them. Give it up."
The conversation clearly referenced past conflicts, yet Tani had heard nothing of this. She'd spoken to Celivia on many occasions and there had been time to bring it up, yet Celivia hadn't. Even though she was qualified, Celivia wasn't being allowed to join the outside missions, all because she had helped Tani earlier... Tani frowned at the thought. Was this the reason Celivia had been somewhat withdrawn lately?
While she pondered that, Slaten stepped forward as well. "If you are in need of scouts, I volunte-"
"Nah." Destrela cut him off with a chopping hand movement. "Focus on training. The new tactics don't change the fact that this is going to end in a big fight over an occupied city. We need strength for that."
With that, she turned and strode out of the room, ignoring anyone else. Celivia exchanged a glance with Slaten before giving a resigned shrug and returning to her work. Slaten also went back to his exercises, but Tani couldn't let it go that easily.
Though Tani wanted to believe that she and Celivia were aligned in everything, she could feel some distance between them. If Celivia was really trapped in the caverns just for helping Tani, that would explain some of it. Yet the other woman had seemed mostly normal - she was never warm and friendly, but she was a reliable ally. Tani's thoughts twisted as she reconsidered if she had been missing something.
Since her body still felt heavy, Tani sluggishly moved over to talk to her. Celivia had sat down with her bowl of water again, though it looked as though she was having trouble focusing. Fortunately, Master Balunel was nowhere nearby - he seemed to be absentmindedly patting one of the training dummies.
Tani sat down next to Celivia and gave her a smile. "Sorry about Destrela. I didn't realize that she was still holding that against you."
"I don't think Destrela is a woman who forgives easily, if at all." Celivia shrugged. "I can understand that, even if I don't like her."
"But I'm sorry about the situation. You could go outside again if you hadn't helped me."
Celivia shook her head sharply. "It's fine. I'm not fond of these caves, but it isn't so bad. I spoke to Hanfel earlier and many of the assignments don't sound very interesting."
"So you aren't upset?"
"I'll be fine, Tani. Don't worry about it." Despite her words, Celivia still seemed troubled, staring down into the water. Focused on her work, or actually holding a grudge? Concerned about that possibility, Tani couldn't let the conversation end.
"Are you making any progress?"
"Honestly, not much. Sight is supposed to be one of the most difficult senses to perceive sein with, and I don't think I'm going to master it now. But the exercise Balunel gave me is interesting." Celivia reached down into the water and pulled out what appeared to be a small glass sphere. It glowed faint blue and smelled sharply of sein. "I cannot for the life of me figure out how he created it, but this is a training aid."
"Oh? What does it do?"
"It focuses memories, as if you were meditating on your sein. But instead of focusing on the memories as richly as possible, it allows you to let aspects of memory slip away into the water. The idea is to remove every sense but sight, then contemplate the result. Allegedly that will help isolate the sensations I need."
"That's fascinating." Tani reached out to take the sphere. "Can I tr-"
Her fingers touched it and the room crumbled.
Sensations assaulted her from every side, so real that she barely retained herself. Tani was naked, locked in a small pen - no, it wasn't her, she was Celivia. A much younger Celivia, just having reached womanhood. There were pens all around her, filled with other women. Mostly Estronese, some Coran, others that Tani didn't recognize at all.
She had barely gotten a glimpse before the emotions overwhelmed her. Disgust and fear, so familiar to her and yet more focused. Yet deeper than that, a raw hatred that consumed everything else. Tani had never in her life felt hatred that intense - it threatened to overwhelm her.
Then she heard laughter and saw a door open in the room outside her pen. Several mansthein men entered and she knew exactly what was going to happen, but there was nothing she cou-
Tani was herself again, back in reality, the sphere being snatched away from her fingers. It must have been only an instant, yet in that moment she had felt everything so intensely. Her mind struggled to reengage, knowing that it had been Celivia's memory and yet failing to accept that knowledge. There were tears in the corner of her eyes as she looked toward Celivia.
The other woman stared at her and spoke tersely. "How much did you see?"
"I... I'm sorry..."
"I don't care about that, tell me what you saw."
"You... and other women... in cages... I saw the Deathspawn..." Tani took a shuddering breath, trying to set aside the memories and focus on the present. "I'm so sorry, Celivia. Not for what - well, I am sorry for what happened to you. But I'm sorry that I forced myself into this. I never meant to see anything so personal, I just thought I could look at the crystal..."
Celivia closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Her face was completely still for a time. When she finally opened her eyes again, she looked at Tani seriously. "It's my fault for not predicting you would be curious. Just don't tell anyone. And I don't want to talk about it."
"I... okay. But... I'm sorry I made so much of what happened to me earlier when you've lived through much wors-"
"No. It never once occurred to me to compare our experiences like that. Your pain is your own." Celivia placed a hand on her shoulder gently, but the softness in her eyes faded. "But I meant what I said. I don't want to talk about it."
Tani accepted that she had made a mistake but didn't want to make things worse. She tried to put her apology in her eyes as she rose. "I'll leave you alone now. I really am sorry about this."
"It's fine, Tani. Honestly." Celivia cast her a bitter smile. It contained none of the hatred that Tani had felt, yet she knew it was there. Not directed toward her, but... "I wish it hadn't happened, but I don't hold it against you. Just don't force me to talk about it and I won't hold any resentment."
Tani nodded, responding with a weak smile before moving away. She did want to talk about it, though, not to interrogate Celivia about her past but to say how much she admired her. The fact that Celivia could experience something so much worse than Tani's ordeal and yet emerge with so much strength and confidence...
But if Celivia didn't want to speak about it, Tani would respect that. Instead she moved away, just mulling over the heavy thoughts. Her body felt completely recovered, yet now her mind was weighed down. Returning to training after having experienced something like that, even indirectly, didn't feel appropriate.
Yet what else could she do? Tani tried to submerge herself in meditation, yet her sein flow felt so heavy that it simply didn't...
Tani hesitated, contemplating just how many times she had felt heavy.
Not only now, but regularly during her training. It was a familiar weight that she had assumed was due to her extended work, yet... Tani let sein circulate within her body and felt the weight settle upon her again. Her other senses had always felt close and familiar, could she have gained a new sense that felt so unpleasant? Despite that thought, Tani felt a little excited as she went to find Master Balunel.
He sat next to his harp, though it still lay on the ground. The old man was trying to pluck the strings with his bare toes and having some luck, though the result was far more disjointed than his normal music. As Tani approached he didn't seem to notice, tapping his hands on his knees to some nonexistent rhythm.
"Master Balunel?"
No response, he simply continued playing notes. After a frown, he tried to tune one string with his toes and gave up after several failed attempts.
"Master Balunel?"
"Yes, that's my name. Is your memory going too?" He cocked his head slightly in her direction, his ear toward her.
"I was hoping to ask you a question."
"Oh, you certainly may. My eyes are gone, not my ears. Go ahead."
Normally he might have frustrated her, but Tani was too excited by the potential discovery. "I think I may have made a breakthrough. Could my feeling of sein be something like weight or exhaustion?"
"I don't know, could it?" Balunel continued humming to himself, curling his hands into fists and tapping them on his knees. Tani sighed.
"That is what I was hoping you could tell me. It could simply be exhaustion. If I stopped feeling it after rest, that wouldn't prove anything, and it could be a coincidence that I get tired after working so much."
"Well, feeling sein within yourself is only half the journey, isn't it?"
Frustratingly vague. Tani was about to ask another question when she stopped, her mouth open as she stared at Master Balunel's hands.
They looked identical, both old and wrinkled. Both of them tapped randomly against his knees. Yet his left hand struck her as far heavier in a way she couldn't describe, as if it was made of steel.
Was that what he had been trying to teach her? The second half of the journey was feeling sein within others. Yet if that was the case, she had been feeling her new sense for quite some time without realizing it. Since that was too good to be true, Tani swallowed her excitement and instead pointed to his left hand.
"That one."
"Are you sure?" At first she thought he was questioning her, then suddenly the heaviness reversed. His left hand was as light as feathers, his right as heavy as steel.
"Yes." Her finger swung to his other hand.
"Hmm... I don't know about that." Both hands shifted, completely normal. After a moment of confused fumbling, trying to smell or taste sein, Tani managed to push those senses aside. Instead she felt a point of great heaviness on his left elbow.
Letting herself start to smile, Tani moved to point at it. "Then I really have gained a new sense? But... why does it feel so unpleasant within myself? Do I just need to endure it?"
"No, child... you need to accept it." Balunel let his sein disperse and stopped plucking at the harp, instead giving her a broad smile. "You have become aware of part of yourself that you have not yet embraced. This often happens, for warriors who have resolutely followed a single tradition. Go back to your teachings and find them anew."
Tani closed her eyes, let her sein flow, and submerged herself within it. Once again, she was a child in an open field under the sky. She could smell every flower, taste the home-cooked meal she had eaten not long ago. But this time, the feeling of wind on her face was not just a memory. The ground beneath her, the clothes against her skin... all of it felt real.
When Tani returned to the present moment, a peaceful smile on her face, the weight had changed. It no longer weighed her down, it dwelled within her. She felt heavy, not as if she carried a burden but as if she was living stone. The flow of her sein surged stronger as the new source began to flow under her will with the rest of herself.
She wanted to run or hit something, to feel the new sein within her. Tani resisted since there was nowhere to go, instead looking around the room. Yes, she had obtained something new. It was more than simple power, her awareness of the world around her had increased as well.
Slaten was a point of weight, steadily fluctuating as he worked. Not only weight, the smell of mint clung to him specifically. She could easily distinguish it from the senses associated with Celivia, who had gone back to her meditation.
Thinking about Celivia wiped the smile from Tani's face. Maybe she really had been forgiven, but it was a grim reminder that she was not practicing sein for the joy of it. Tani started to move toward the targets, then stopped, deciding that she already stood close enough.
She drew two knives in one hand, gathering her sein in the familiar patterns. Yet this time, when she let the first fly, her sein didn't all clumsily pour out with it. Instead she felt just the appropriate amount of weight leave her body. When she hurled the second knife a moment later, another weight left her.
Both knives slammed into the target on the opposite side of the room, biting most of the way into the wood. Tani smiled in satisfaction.
That was what she had been missing. Now she understood how her limitation had been simply undeveloped sein instead of some other trick. She eagerly went to retrieve her knives.
As she passed Slaten, his eyebrows rose appreciatively. "Congratulations."
"Thank you!" She yanked her knives out of the target, which was more difficult than she expected. With all this new strength flowing through her, she had expected it to be easy. Yet though this sense might be tied to strength, she had not been dedicated to that in the way she had to her throwing arts.
For that matter, she now saw flaws in her technique. She had thrown both well, but she could have put more strength into them. It would also take practice to put more force into one and balance the two throws however she wanted. Not to mention...
Tani grinned to herself and took her knives to the other side of the room. There was work to be done.
Chapter 44
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"Is every step of every journey foretold? No, I do not believe so - the Legend is not so small and petty. I believe that many of the roles that are spoken of in story and song are indeed open roles that may be filled by more than one person. If everything was predetermined, the Legend would speak of exactly which kingdoms would rise or fall. Instead, it speaks only of kingdoms that stand firm, allowing us to step into that role and accept our destiny."
- excerpt from a letter written by Lady Karerela of East Corah
-
With a loud yawn, Veron sat up in her cot. Usually sleeping on the ground irritated her back, but she felt okay. Better rested than usual. All that restfulness was probably going to be completely useless, since they'd just wait another boring day for their target.
She started to move and bumped into Graenin beside her.
Oh, right. That had happened.
Veron allowed herself a self-satisfied smile and stretched her arms over her head. Last night hadn't been bad, even not counting the fact that it had ended a long dry spell. And since she didn't think Graenin really gave a fuck what the others thought of him, they could probably keep going so long as she didn't irritate him about it. Much as she would have liked to tease, Veron liked to get off more, so she resolved to rein herself in.
