The Brightest Shadow, page 42
Herakin gave him a skeptical stare, while Ulviab smiled gratefully and spoke. "You understand, then! It may not be easy, but if enough of us are willing to look past our differences, it is possible! If we do this, there can be peace between us, yes?"
He was looking for an answer, but Slaten's mouth felt dry and the confidence from before withered. All he could give was the truth. "I don't know."
Though Ulviab seemed disappointed, his enthusiasm hadn't diminished. He scooped up the kittens and returned them to their pen, humming to himself. That seemed to break up the circle. Eraes simply rolled her eyes and pivoted to a ledger on her desk, though she seemed to be staring at it more than reading.
Slaten turned away, planning to go back to the male quarters and rest. Before he got far, Celivia slipped up beside him and spoke in a low voice.
"While everything is disorganized, we should recover our weapons."
He glanced at her in surprise, fearing to see zealotry in her eyes, yet she held the same cool gaze as usual. "You think it will be necessary?"
"This won't be the last time, and we can't guarantee every attack will end so simply. I don't want to be unarmed the next time violence starts."
"That's reasonable. I'm just not sure if we can..."
"Follow me. I've found where they're holding our things, so you just need to distract them."
They split up as they moved to the supply building. As Celivia had expected, it was indeed a disorganized mess, with none of the usual guards talking and playing cards around the entrance. There was a Catai standing nearby, though. Celivia nodded Slaten in his direction, then slipped away. He tried not to follow her with his gaze, just approached the hulking mansthein.
What was he going to ask? The man was named Hakkiv, or so he thought. Unlike most Catai who showed off their muscles, Hakkiv always wore a dark uniform. Usually it was flawless, but today he had the top button unbuttoned and several of the tassels were torn.
"Don't talk to me unless it's important, human. This isn't a good day."
"Does the Hero make you angry?" It hadn't been the question he had been thinking of, certainly not a safe one, but it was what he realized he actually wanted to ask. Hakkiv glared at him.
"What kind of question is that?"
"I think the Heroes make humans angry. Not just anger, though, it's a lot of emotions. It's difficult to control."
Hakkiv gave him a long look, then abruptly shook his head. Slaten wondered if the man's mind was filled with the same haze that always made it difficult for him to think about the subject or if it was different for Deathspawn. For mansthein.
Eventually Hakkiv answered in a low growl. "I don't want to think about this now. Just go."
Slaten wanted to continue the distraction but couldn't think of anything. Fortunately, at that moment he spotted Celivia jumping from one of the building's windows and darting around the side. Since Hakkiv wanted him to go, Slaten bowed agreement and retreated. Once he was out of sight, he doubled back to follow Celivia.
He found her in the shadows between two buildings, coiling her bladed whip as small as possible. She smiled as he entered and gestured to his Oken sword, leaning against the side of the building. "I couldn't find your other sword."
"We can't have these in camp, though. Where do we hide them?"
"I'm keeping a knife in my quarters. Larger weapons, probably in the cracks in a boulder mound. Far enough not to be discovered, close enough for use if things go wrong. Better get it hidden tonight, before they organize everything again."
"Yes, that seems wise." Slaten picked up his sword and was about to go when he noticed Celivia was holding her necklace with the yellow stone. It had been taken from her when they came to Ith Ire, like all their valuables. Now she stared at it with an expression he couldn't read at all, her eyes very far away. "Is that some kind of armor?"
Her head snapped up to look at him, eyes filled with surprise that turned to amusement. "Armor? No. It... was a gift from someone important to me. He gave it to me when I came here and I've been wearing it ever since. Just feels wrong without it."
"The two of you sound very close." Part of him was disappointed to hear her speak of it so personally. Yet his words prompted a smirk from Celivia.
"No, it's not like that. He is much, much older than me. This is a gift from someone I respect a great deal, nothing more. Sorry, but it's personal." She seemed much more amused by his assumption than anything. With that, she slid the necklace down her shirt, then arranged the chain so that it was almost entirely hidden by her prisoner collar.
It was obvious she didn't want to keep talking about it, but Slaten didn't want to let go so soon. Without another topic of conversation, he found his mind wandering back to the previous conversation. "You're right that even one people will fight itself. But not all the time, there are periods of peace as well. Do you think there can be peace between human and mansthein?"
She considered his question seriously, her eyes hard. "Maybe for a time. But not forever."
Slaten nodded, accepting that she was probably right. He walked away to hide his sword.
Chapter 30
-
"Since my last message, I have obtained more details on the exact bounds of my assignment, but contradictory ones. Further guidance would be appreciated."
- Commander Kolanin, head of operations at Ith Ire
-
As soon as the injured warriors had stabilized, Jaer Krylyl left the Nelee village. Tani found herself going with him.
There was nothing for her to close off at the village. Since she had paid in coin for her training, all she needed to do for Master Olorafor was announce that she was departing. A few of the others said farewell to her, but only because she was Nelee. Despite how long she had spent there, she had established few real relationships.
Though she could have continued developing there, Tani had a strong sense that it wouldn't be enough. Not if she met Subenor again, not for the growing conflict, and definitely not for the Hero. So she followed Jaer in the hope that she could obtain at least one answer from him.
He knew that she was following him, of course. Yet he didn't say anything until they were far from the village, the trees reduced to a smudge on the golden horizon. Then he finally turned to look back at her, seeing straight through the sein she had habitually drawn around herself.
"Tani of the Nelee. Why have you chosen to follow me?"
"Will you train me?" She considered getting down on her knees, but instead merely lowered her head. He looked back, examining her thoughtfully.
"What makes you believe I have anything to offer?"
"Your strength is obvious. The fact that you know our ways means you may be able to teach me in them. And... most importantly, I respect that you saw the Hero in battle and you walked away."
Jaer watched her for a long moment, then turned away and began to walk again. "I will not train you. But if you wish to travel alongside me and you happen to learn something about yourself along the way, that is acceptable."
Tani smiled and ran to catch up to him. "Thank you so much! I won't disappoint you."
"Perhaps. Why do you believe that I can be trusted?" There was no danger in his dark eyes, despite what she'd seen of his strength. Tani paused, considering her answer.
"You have been nothing but respectful and honorable. You helped us fight Subenor for no gain to yourself. I do not believe you are a bad person."
Jaer walked in silence and when his answer came it was so soft that she could barely hear it. "One does not have to be a bad person to commit acts of great cruelty." After a heavy pause, he raised his voice and smiled at her. "You have nothing to fear from me, Tani. But I would suggest that you set aside thoughts of whether others are good or bad. You will find the matter less relevant than you might hope."
Frowning, Tani considered that thought. It was a lot like the sorts of things Nelee masters liked to say - perhaps that was the reason she was drawn to him. Yet she felt certain that he had something more to offer her, not merely strength.
Though Jaer was walking instead of running, he seemed to float over the land. Tani had to jog, then run, to keep up with him. That was an interesting skill, but she set aside her curiosity. They likely had only a short time together, so she needed to focus on the practical.
"Where are we going? What is your purpose here?"
"A rather grand question." Jaer chuckled and shook his head. "I will be moving southwest, close to the border of East Corah. There is someone I wish to meet there. After that, I intend to travel north beyond the Sotunn Mountains to see if I cannot assist in the troubles of the people there. You are welcome to travel with me, but I suspect you will want to depart before then."
"I do hope to help my friends, if I can. They're somewhere in the Chorhan Expanse, but the rumors are unclear as to the exact location."
"That may not be so difficult. Finding them, not helping them. To help them may be beyond anyone's power, depending on how tangled the threads of violence have become."
They continued to move together, running and walking, their conversation sliding around the edges of subjects instead of touching on them directly. In some ways, Jaer reminded her of the masters who had always irritated her with their aphorisms. He was definitely the opposite of her master in that. Yet she felt certain that he did not intend to be obscure, merely tried to speak about that which could not be spoken in words.
It had been some time since she had allowed herself to simply enjoy running. Now that she was not escaping enemies or hunting for food, the movement filled her with a sense of peace. Not true peace, which could only be obtained by solving her problems. But this peaceful sensation would do for now.
When they had been moving for some time and Tani felt completely calm, Jaer spoke in a different tone. "Tell me, Tani... what is it that you are learning? What is it that you wish to learn?"
A simple question, given how much her mind was preoccupied with her training. Tani told him about the basis of her training, her fears that she had detoured too far, which skills she was attempting to learn and those she hoped to master. Jaer listened quietly, nodding occasionally. When she began to ramble, he spoke.
"And what is it that you truly want?"
"Want? In my training?" Tani tried to search his eyes, but they betrayed absolutely nothing. "Or do you mean in life? I already told you that I hope to help my friends. Beyond that, I am not sure I can say..."
"It seems to me that you fear losing yourself. You say you are concerned that you have stepped off your chosen path as a warrior, but this fear is misplaced. You fear how you felt when the Hero stood before you."
Having someone just state it to her face made Tani hesitate, but she nodded. "Yes. I fear that."
"And you believe that I can help you."
"You walked away. Both Heroes I met, I didn't feel... like myself. It's difficult to describe in words, even in my own mind. My decisions no longer seem to matter and I'm simply swept up in events. Yet you saw that and chose to leave."
"I will not pretend that I understand these men you call Heroes. They are like nothing I have seen before in my life, nothing I believe could come from natural sein." For the first time, she saw a deep concern in Jaer's eyes. "But I believe this influence you describe is not power, not as you think of it. Instead, it slips into the cracks in who we are. Promises to make us whole. Offers us an easier path."
"Are you sure? My mind has always felt so hazy and I've been able to fight it back a little."
"Perhaps for a time. But this is not a force pushing on you... it is as though you are water, and a channel has been cut for the water to flow. You might be able to scoop it back for a time, but in the end it will continue to flow. No one can fight the laws of the world, so you must take another path. A person who wants for nothing, who is at peace with themselves, cannot be seduced by simple stories. The water will not flow no matter how many channels are cut."
His words struck her heart, immediately making sense and matching her experiences. And yet they were also depressing. It was one thing for a master like Jaer to talk about such self-control and another thing entirely for her to attempt it. Her mind was always filled with desires for the future and thinking of them as weaknesses pained her.
In fact, the whole statement ran contrary to what her master taught. Her master had always said that impassive self-control was not a goal. According to her, impassiveness was a side product of some paths that was mistaken for the heart of the matter, and frequently imitated by those who only wanted to appear to have mastered themselves.
"I... fear I cannot master myself to that extent." She started to hang her head, but Jaer smiled at her.
"No one can master themselves. But you can begin by knowing yourself and hearing your voice instead of the thoughts that surround it. And we can begin with a simple exercise, if you will allow me."
He stopped walking and Tani skidded to a halt, suddenly far past him. She trotted back and nodded eagerly. "Please, show me!"
"You will need to relax your sein for this to be effective. And more importantly, you will need to trust me. I would ask you not to speak of this skill to others, because it could be used for many unpleasant purposes."
"I trust you." She didn't say that she already needed to trust him, to be alone with someone so much stronger than her. Tani let her sein relax into its natural state, leaving her with few defenses. Jaer closed his eyes slowly, raising one hand. His hand moved like water, flowing up to touch her face, gently brushing her eyes closed.
Tani opened her eyes. "I don't feel anything. Did it work?"
"You can answer that question for yourself. Why are you walking?"
"What? I'm not..." Tani realized that her legs were indeed moving. She was walking alongside Jaer, through grasses that looked very different than those a moment ago. At first she panicked and looked upward to see that the sun had only moved slightly. "Just what was that?"
"Keep walking and I will explain."
There was nothing controlling her movements, she was just walking. As if taking a path she had followed a thousand times before and no longer needed to think about. Yet time had slipped away from her without her being aware of it. She wondered how much could have happened in those lost moments.
"The technique leads the undefended mind to follow simple instincts. It is little used because it is not a form of control and has many disadvantages." Jaer gestured to the weapons at her side. "For example, a great many instincts are violent. Someone who attempted to use such a skill on a warrior accustomed to violence would be unpleasantly surprised."
"But better than that would be to resist it, right? How do I do that?"
"That is something you will need to discover for yourself. Tani... look forward at the cloud just above the horizon. Is it not beautiful?"
It was, in a simple way. White and shining in the sun. Promising shade but not rain, like a breath floating over the grasslands.
Abruptly Tani realized that the sun had leapt in the sky again.
"Lost it again..." She shook her head violently, trying to clear it. They were still walking, Jaer moving silently beside her. "How long will this technique last?"
"I will need to reapply it several times a day. It would be unwise to use when we are near any towns or villages. We will continue until the contours of your thoughts are etched in steel within your mind. I cannot promise that you will not lose yourself, for no one can promise that. But if you succeed, you will know yourself as you have not before."
Tani smiled and watched the sun carefully.
~ ~ ~
The wind flowed through the grasses, sending them waving in shimmering patterns. Tani stared at the flow, marveling in it. Her sein flowed through her body in just the same way, strength surging through her veins.
Strength flowed within her? No, she flowed within herself. Tani recognized the pretentious-sounding thought and laughed to herself, only later wondering how long she had spent contemplating that thought. The winds around them had fallen still.
~ ~ ~
Days of escaping moments later, Tani found herself in a strange shop off the side of a road. She had remembered entering the town, of course, since they had stopped training when they got close. But all of life with Jaer had a strange flowing rhythm that was easy to fall into. Tani didn't mind, as she was making significant progress.
For now, she was more interested in what they were going to eat. Jaer had left to speak with the old woman in the kitchen, then returned with a slight smile on his face. Usually his smile was gentle, but this one looked almost playful. That was rare enough for him that Tani was dreadfully curious.
"What are we doing here?"
"Eating, to recover our strength."
Tani rolled her eyes. "You are not going to tell me this is another Coran bread shop. You seem much too excited about this."
"You will see." His eyes danced and that was all that he would say to her. Tani passed the time by going over the breathing and sein exercises that he'd taught her. She certainly saw how she could fuse all that she had learned together, but the execution still escaped her.
The food arrived soon, an identical plate set in front of each of them. It appeared to be mostly cockatrice meat, cut into small pieces and tinted red by some kind of spice. Finely cut greens and nuts were mixed into the dish, creating an interesting blend that certainly smelled heavenly. Tani wished that she had something more elegant than a rough Coran spoon to eat it, but still began eagerly.
Slightly sweet, yet it made her mouth tingle. The spices and the other ingredients brought out the flavor of the meat better than she had experienced since she left home. Tani eagerly took a much larger bite. Only as she was chewing her third bite did she realize that she hadn't felt the full extent of the spices yet.
Soon she was wheezing with tears in her eyes, struggling for a cup of water as her mouth burned. Jaer chuckled softly and slid her cup closer to her.
"It is better to eat slowly."
Tani just gulped down the water, which helped a little. After wiping her eyes, she smiled at Jaer. "This is certainly different than what we usually eat. But I think I will enjoy its uniqueness at a more relaxed pace."
