The Way to Never (The Never Trilogy Book 2), page 13
“And why did you make that decision?” Nathan asked.
“For a variety of reasons,” I replied. “I was in college then but I still didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I just felt lost, and scared, and uncertain about a lot of things. Then in my sophomore year I came to New York and, I was just in a very bad place emotionally at the time. I’ve never really mentioned this before, but I went to this bar and someone must have noticed how depressed I was because when I went outside for a bit of fresh air, they sent a note over to me. And this is what the note said: It read;
You’re not really drowning. You’ve just dunked your head into a bathtub that you filled with water and convinced yourself that you really are. Please pull your head back up.”
The moment the words came out of my mouth I fixed my gaze on Nathan’s, watching for how he would react to this. I continued speaking.
“It wasn’t completely what led me to remain in New York but it did change my perspective in a very crucial way. At first it pissed me off because I thought that the person who wrote it was just stupid and couldn’t understand. But then, I thought about it, over and over again, and realized that it was true.
Every part of what it said meant something to me. You know there’s a part in the bible that says that you will never be tempted above what you’re able to bear. That to me was represented by the depth of the bathtub, which meant that no matter how full it got, I was always able to keep my head above it. It was all up to me, and that was what hit me and gave me the courage to remain in New York and find out exactly what I wanted out of life.”
Nathan just stared at me, stunned, and at that moment I got my confirmation that he truly was the one that had sent me the note. A few more moments passed before he lowered his head to look at his notes, and when he looked back up at me, it felt like we were the only ones in the room. My heart was beating so loudly that I wasn’t sure I would even be able to hear him if he spoke.
“Did you ever find out who sent you the note?” he asked.
“No,” I responded. I wasn’t sure if he believed me, but he did regain his composure and continued on with the interview.
“So how did the writing begin?” he asked me. “Or did the company come before that?”
“Well, the writing was sort of because of the company. Not fully though because I’d been writing little pieces before then, and at that time I think I’d written about two short stories, but I’d never thought of publishing anything. Then one day I looked at Carlie’s design sketches, and back then she used to design clutches and sunglasses, and they were really good. I’ve never been um, fully immersed in fashion but I saw her designs and I wanted them. They were absolutely amazing.” I turned to her with a soft smile.
“So what happened then?” Nathan asked Carlie.
“Actually, nothing,” she said and we all laughed. She turned to me. “Lennie used to dream a lot while I just wanted to be done with school and get a good job somewhere, but she insisted that we started something. That note had really struck something in her because from then on she got multiple jobs, and just started moving from one thing to the next looking for what would stick. And then she got a job at Zara, and she watched how their company was run and was just really inspired. She came home one day, and said, let’s start a retail company. I just wanted to kick her out of my room but she wouldn’t leave. Eventually, she convinced me to start manufacturing some of my designs, and at first it was just for fun because I wanted to see it come to life and I didn’t expect anything else.
We used some of our savings, got some designs manufactured and then we put them up online to sell. I already had a fashion blog that wasn’t really doing so well but when we put the clothes up, I got more serious with it and surprisingly we made quite a decent amount of money. It wasn’t much, but it was good and shocking and exciting. But then of course Lennie wasn’t satisfied.”
I just smiled. Nathan was smiling as well and looking at me so intensely that I wanted to step outside and take a deep breath. I was relaxed though and had almost forgotten that we were being filmed. Everyone else around was just quiet and listening.
“So, what happened next?” Nathan asked.
“Lennie came into my room on another day and said, ‘I’m going to write a novel and use it to help our business.’ I thought she was crazy, and this time, I did kick her out of my room. But, she did it. She went ahead and was it two …?”
“Three,” I replied.
“Three novels. She wrote three novels and tried getting them published but nothing happened.”
“What was the timeframe for all of this?” Nathan asked.
“Four years,” I replied. “Four long years, but our business was growing, though slowly, and eventually I wrote my fourth novel and … that’s when everything happened. Initially it was difficult for me because I didn’t have any writing background, but I just never completely gave up.”
That made Carlie laugh softly. “Completely is the highlighted word there. She gave up a lot.”
“A lot,” I re-emphasized. “Every single day, but then I just couldn’t let it go.”
“Why?” Nathan asked. “Was there something in your heart that just wouldn’t allow you to let go?”
“No,” I replied bluntly. “At first I wanted to be an author for the finance that it could bring to our business no matter how small, but then I realized that I really loved writing and that I wasn’t going to stop doing it even if I never made a dime from it. Eventually all the work paid off. After five years more of writing and working and dreaming, it finally happened. I sold a book, and everything happened.”
“And it did help your business?”
“It did,” Carlie replied. “Those that were in love with her stories also found out that she ran a retail company and were interested, so we used the exposure and the finance from the book, which was quite a lot, and invested it into the business.”
Nathan turned to me. “But you’re not a hundred percent involved in the company right.”
“I am, but not in the creative process. I prefer writing but I also want to be aware of everything that is going on in the company, so I’m in charge of overseeing the management. The review and final approval of decisions made and everything that officially goes out and comes into the company.”
Nathan continued asking questions for another half hour about our production process and the company’s culture, and all that had enabled us to become as successful as we currently were. Thereafter, we took the cameras on a brief tour to the design room where samples for the latest collections were being created and we demonstrated the entire process to them.
After that, we stopped filming for the day. The next day, they would begin again but this time starting from the flagship store that we had on the ground and first floor and then towards the rest of the departments.
Filming continued this way for the rest of the week, and somehow, Nathan and I managed to maintain a professional relationship and work peaceably together. But each time we stayed together for too long without anyone else around, the reminder that we still had a lot to settle between us would cause such a tension in the air that for that moment… I would be unable to think straight. When things became too awkward I always walked away, remembering the promise I’d made to Damian, and for the fear that once again, my emotions would overcome my common sense.
« CHAPTER 8 »
Lenora
Damian insisted that we host the engagement gathering at his place – a three-story detached house in Manhattan that had belonged to his great grandfather. He had a huge studio on the top floor that opened onto a spacious balcony, and that was where the party was hosted. It was also the studio where he worked, so temporarily his works in progress had been moved to the basement while his personal collection, beautifully lined the walls of the room. Since the only people that were allowed to know about the engagement were his closest family here in New York, and my friends since they were my family, no planners were hired.
I was nervous. Nervous because as the days passed, everything seemed to be solidifying even more and it didn’t make me feel as content as I had hoped. My parents’ relationship had almost completely turned me off the idea of being in one when I was younger, but then I’d met Nathan, and he’d made me hope for one that would be as heartfelt as ours was. That dream died, along with the desire to become so completely overwhelmed by another human being, so the respect and tolerance that Damian and I had for each other should have been enough to satisfy me but deep down, it didn’t.
Truthfully, this whole marriage thing wouldn’t have been happening, at least not this fast, if I didn’t want so badly to prove to myself and Damian that Nathan wouldn’t be a factor in the demise of our relationship. However I needed something to convince me that I was doing the right thing. I wanted to feel like I was living in the moment instead of feeling as if I was just watching it all play out.
“Lenora,” someone called, and it brought me back to earth. I turned around to see that it was Damian’s mother, Elizabeth. She was dressed in a pink Chanel tweed suit, and her silver-streaked hair was pinned back away from her face.
“What is going on?” she asked, her nose wrinkling in distaste at the bottles of wine that I was in charge of opening. “Damian said that you insisted there be no planner, and that this remain an intimate event.”
“Hello Elizabeth,” I said, “It’s nice to see you.” She’d arrived about an hour ago and even though she knew all along that I was in the kitchen, her decision of a first interaction with me was to come and complain.
She didn’t even acknowledge my greeting. “Well, what is this about? This is not the engagement party that I expected for the both of you. I hope this is not how you also plan the wedding to be. I’m not impressed.”
I took a deep breath and turned to her. “First of all, this is not a big party, it’s just a small gathering with family. And concerning the wedding, we haven’t even set a date yet, or spoken about how we want it to be.”
Her thin lips fell slightly open. “What do you mean you haven’t discussed that yet? Is this your idea? Have you begun to look down on the importance of appropriate festivities because you think having money to spend is no longer a big deal?”
“No Elizabeth. The party is hosted by Elisa. When we make an official announcement then the ‘appropriate’ festivities can begin.”
“Who’s Elisa?” she asked, and immediately my face lost the polite smile that I had been trying my best to maintain for her snarky undeserving self. I was about to give her the response she deserved when Carlie appeared out of nowhere and stepped in.
“I’m Elisa,” she said, and put her hand around Elizabeth’s shoulder. Elizabeth immediately shrugged it off, but of course Carlie didn’t mind. To my slight amusement, Carlie put her arm around Elizabeth again and turned to lead her out of the kitchen before any words came out of my mouth that could not be taken back.
I understood that names could be forgotten, but in the last six months, I’d introduced Elisa to her as my sister thrice. Just because I didn’t have a famous family like she did, didn’t mean that it was okay to not care enough to remember who they were. The reminder that having her around was one more thing that I’d have to put up with in marrying Damian added an extra shitload of weight to the tons that were already on my shoulders. Grabbing a wineglass, I poured myself a full glass of the wine I’d just opened, and turned to lean against the counter.
I emptied it quickly and was turning around for a refill when the door opened and Nathan walked in. For some reason the bottle I’d just lifted by the neck left my hands and fell on the counter, knocking down a couple more glasses. My instinctual response was to step back but when I saw the further mess it would create if the bottle were to roll off the counter, I quickly stepped forward again and righted it.
Nathan appeared beside me with some paper towels to help clean up the spilled wine. We worked quietly together, me righting the glasses and he making sure that the spill was contained enough to not drip onto the ground. Once it was all cleaned up, we turned to face each other. He was dressed casually in a white dress shirt tucked into slim, black trousers.
“Are you alright?” he asked.
I nodded, once again assaulted by the nervousness that always accompanied his presence around me. “I’m fine.”
“Congratulations by the way,” he said with a genuine smile, and despite myself, it brought one out of me. “Thank you,” I said, still a bit surprised to see him. Elisa had probably been the one to invite him.
“Why are you in here alone?”
“I’m in charge of the “bar”. I replied, and it amused him. “Elisa just left to share the appetizers.”
“She didn’t share them. She just dropped them on the coffee table and yelled at us to help ourselves. Everyone seems to be having a good time though.”
“And so am I,” I said, assuring him because I could feel the concern from his gaze. “I’m just tired. It wasn’t a surprise party so I’ve had to help Carlie and Elisa arrange it.”
Suddenly there was a sharp ache in my lower back that made me wince in pain. He took a step closer to me.
“What is it? Are you alright?”
“I am,” I replied, and remained still for a bit so that it could pass. “I helped carry some food and a few cartons earlier so I’m probably just a bit sore.”
“Are you certain?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay,” he said, and gave me a tight smile as he turned to leave.
I watched him go and a few seconds later, Damian came in with the biggest grin on his face. He had two men that were in their mid-thirties with him.
“Lenora, these are my cousins- Travis and Michael. They’re visiting from California. And this beautiful woman,” he said, as he made his way to my side and slid his arm around my waist, “is my fiancée- Lenora Baker.”
I forced a smile to my face as they came forward to give me casual hugs, and a peck on my cheek. “Nice to meet you,” I said.
“She is indeed beautiful,” one of them commented, but I wasn’t really paying attention. I was too busy trying to glare at Damian but he was avoiding my eyes.
“Thank you,” I said, and we went through some more pleasantries. When they turned to leave, I caught Damian’s hand when he tried to leave with them and pulled him back.
“Cousins?” I accused.
“I’m sorry, but Elizabeth insisted they come by. I didn’t know what to do.”
“You should have told her to take it up with me.”
“I didn’t think you’d mind.”
“But we talked about this and I told you what I wanted. We’ll have an official one soon, but for now I don’t want it splashed all over the papers. I need time to ease into it.”
“But what do you need time for?” he asked half-seriously. “Everyone’s still going to know at the end of the day.”
I was silent as I stared at him for a few moments. “Okay,” I eventually said. “Whatever.”
“I’m sorry?” he said, and I wanted to smash a bottle against his head. But I just took a deep breath, and smiled. “It’s fine.”
“Damian,” someone called out and we both turned to see Elizabeth walk into the room with her nose in the air, as usual. “Mrs. Saunders is here. You remember I told you her son is running for Governor of California and they’re both avid fans of your work? Come on,” she said pulling his hand. “He has his eyes set on your show in November.”
I couldn’t restrain myself. “Elizabeth, Damian says he told you that I didn’t want too many people.”
She stopped to stare at me as if I was some help, that she was being forced to tolerate. “Well, he did,” she said boldly, “but I told him that was rubbish.”
“It’s not your party,” I told her.
“Well, in a way, it is. It’s Damian’s too, and so he should have a say. Just because you have as much money as he does doesn’t mean that he has to do everything you say.”
Damian frowned at her and took his hand away from her hold. “Elizabeth, don’t talk to her that way.”
“Oh, it’s fine,” she said and rolled her eyes. “She’s a tough girl, she can handle herself. Can’t you, Lenora?”
With an annoying laugh she turned to leave, while Damian gave me an apologetic look as she dragged him away with her.
When they were gone, I stood staring at the closed door, a loneliness seeping inside of me to the intensity that I had only felt when my mother had died. My eyes started to fill with tears so I looked away from the door and placed my hands against the counter. I tried to take deep calming breaths. “No, not again Lenora,” I said to myself. “You’re beyond this.”
The door suddenly opened then so I turned away to wipe the tears off my face. When I turned back and saw that it was Nathan with his glasses on, a small laugh escaped me.
He smiled too. “What?”
“Your glasses,” I replied. “It’s been a while.”
“I mostly wear contacts now.”
“I know,” I replied. “And I hate them. It messes with your eyes.”
“Well, the glasses mess with my job.”
“Why are you wearing them now?”
“Oh, I needed to go through some details my assistant just sent to my phone for a talk I’m giving in London tomorrow. And, I have to leave now since my flight is in a few hours. I came to say goodbye.”
“Okay.”
He took a step closer to me. “Why were you crying?” he asked.
“I wasn’t crying.”
He smiled his patient elder smile. “Yes, you were.”
After a moment’s pause I gave in and said, “Fine. I was just feeling a bit overwhelmed but I’m okay now.”
He chuckled. “You don’t cry when you’re overwhelmed.”
“Actually, I do.”
“Okay, maybe, but I do know when you’re lying to me. I’ve told you this before.”
