Beloved of the Pack, page 21
part #4 of Stars of the Pack Series
They were all getting too big for the stroller, Ray noticed, and they hadn’t even taken them into town yet. It had been too hard at first, when they were liable to transform without warning, and then...
Gabriel had to have heard Josh’s comment, but he didn’t say a thing. Just met Ray’s eyes from where he was twisted to look at them. Ray nodded and purposely turned back to his breakfast, leaving Gabriel to prepare some of the formula Alec had deemed nutritious enough for werewolf babies.
It was a pretty small thing to trust him with: fetching them from next door and feeding them. But it was a start. He thought Gabriel got it, too, and Alec dropped another heap of bacon into his plate without any prompting, which Ray took as his way to express further approval without having to actually talk.
Josh stole one of his rashers and Ray aimed an elbow at him—too slow to hit but quick enough to make him work to evade it—and decided he could have a double breakfast. He was eating for two, really.
Chapter eighteen
“Hey,” Irina said, offering him a pile of folded laundry. “Great party.”
Ray inhaled and smiled at her. “Oh, thanks, glad you liked it. Did you win?” he asked as an afterthought, placing the pile on his bureau to sort. “I missed the match. Sorina is seriously obsessed with table tennis.”
He'd been convinced his sister wouldn't let anyone else touch the laundry after Sergi had turned all the babies' pristine whites pink. But as long as she wasn't complaining, he was happy Marisa was accepting help from someone. In that regard, he was very much aware that his sister and he were cut from the same cloth.
Irina scoffed. “Of course I won. And I let Iesu play with me so...”
“Very generous of you,” he said sarcastically.
“You look good,” she commented. He was pretty sure that was code for 'happy'.
“I am,” he agreed. “Did you have a nice time back home?”
“I had a nice time with Sorina,” she said pointedly. “But it's good to be home.”
Ray rolled his eyes at the correction. “Thanks for driving Marisa back all the time, by the way.”
Irina gave him a weird look, straightening from where she'd been leaning against his doorframe. “You don't have to thank me for that.”
“Well, she's my little sister...”
“She’s not... She's not that little anymore,” she said. It was the first time Ray had heard her sound unsure of herself. “And it's no problem, not like I'm not going anyway.”
“Do your parents live here too?” Ray asked, concentrating on getting his fresh sheets into his drawer—he liked to keep a set in his bedroom just in case.
“No, they are back in Romania.”
“Oh, that's... that's gotta be hard.”
She shrugged. “They visit sometimes, and besides I got Sorina and her family here. And you guys are alright too, I guess,” she added.
Ray straightened and met her amused eyes. “We do our best,” he assured her with a little bow.
“Anyway, laundry won't sort itself,” she said. “Don’t forget it's your turn to make lunch, Alec took that extra shift.”
He saluted, mockingly, but he was grateful—he was perfectly capable of performing all the tasks he was responsible for, but if he was stressed he found it hard to keep track of them without reminders.
It'd never been a problem before he'd become responsible for his own pack, and at first he'd resented the way his brain was failing him. But now that it was the betas—mostly Marisa and Irina—keeping track for him, it didn’t feel like such a failure on his part. It was just delegation—and a good leader knew how to use the people who worked for them.
&
[Got your results.]
It was so unusual for him to get a text unrelated to groceries that it took Ray a moment to process what Alec was talking about.
[And?]
[Can’t promise, but it says girl.]
“Fuck,” Ray said aloud, and Gabriel looked up from changing Sasha’s diaper. “Sorry,” he said at once. “I—”
“Ray, sit down,” his alpha said at once, body tensing as he glanced down at Sasha. “Just—give me a sec.”
Ray stepped back and plopped down on the armchair they kept in the corner of the babies’ room. Other than the biggest crib they had been able to find and the two sets of drawers, it was still pretty empty.
It suddenly occurred to Ray that they’d need another cradle for the new baby. The girl.
It felt impossible.
He had known there was half a chance he’d get his wish but Alec was right, he’d got what he wanted so rarely since he’d presented, he’d come to expect the worse.
“Ray?” Gabriel asked after he’d returned Sasha to the floor—Ray absently noticed someone had let them set up a set of Legos in the corner even though they’d agreed the babies should only play in the living room where someone could keep an eye on them. “What’s wrong?”
Ray glanced up at him, feeling a little guilty. “Nothing,” he said honestly. “I’m sorry... Alec just texted me. It’s a girl. Or... well, he’s pretty sure.”
Gabriel took a moment to answer. “That’s what you wanted?”
“He didn’t tell you?”
Gabriel frowned. “No. I mean... I guess it was a private conversation, why would he tell me?”
Ray shrugged. “Well, you two...”
“We wouldn't... I'm not saying we never talk about you, but we don’t—” He faltered, then crouched down in front of Ray and sought his eyes.
Ray let himself look him in the eye from the first time in what felt like forever. Gabriel's blue gaze was focused, and earnest, and kind. “You don't what?” he asked.
“I don't tell Alec everything we talk about,” Gabriel said. “And he obviously doesn't either.”
“But you talk to me about him,” Ray pointed out. “And you want me to talk to him about you.”
“Yes, I want... I want us to help each other understand, or explain, or whatever we need. But my relationship with Alec isn't more important than my relationship with you just because it's romantic. It's just different.”
Ray looked at him from under his eyes lashes, a little wary. “I’m not... I'm not ready to be over it. Yet. I'm not saying—”
“Ray.” Gabriel nearly overbalanced, then jumped to his feet and took a couple steps back. It meant Ray had to look up at him, of course, but he could hardly expect a guy Gabriel's size to kneel at his feet for long. “I don't expect you to be. That's not what I meant—I...” He stopped himself, then waved a hand at Ray to continue, apparently noticing he'd interrupted him.
Ray was almost too surprised to speak. “What do you mean?”
Gabriel exhaled, then leaned down to catch Clara as she tried to crawl under the dresser once again—there was probably something disgusting under there that had woken her untrained nose. “I meant our relationship doesn't depend on what we do in bed. The whole point of being your alpha is supposed to be that, but... that's fucked up. It's not really meant to be like that; the bond is not about sex and if we never... If you never want me to touch you again, it won't change the promise I made to take care of you.”
Ray stared at him. If he never... “But I will still go into heat.”
Gabriel shook his head. “You can ask Josh every time.”
Ray swallowed thickly and stood up; suddenly he couldn’t take the height disadvantage any longer. “Have you... Have you spoken about this with Alec?”
Gabriel took a moment to answer. “Yes, you were there. I mean, the whole point...” He trailed off, staring at Ray with an increasingly alarmed expression. “Okay, so I fucked up again,” he said slowly.
“Language,” Ray said absentmindedly. Gabriel didn't even point out that Ray himself had used the same language moments earlier. Instead he waited until Ray was ready to speak again. “Have you spoken about this with the others too?”
“Ray,” Gabriel said, sounding pained. “About what?”
“About letting me choose!” Ray snapped.
“By the Moon and the fucking stars, Ray, nobody needs to have a conversation about whether you get a choice about what you do with your own body!”
“Don't they?" Ray demanded between gritted teeth. He could barely keep his voice even for the babies' sakes. This was the wrong time and the wrong place and— “Since when?”
“Since always. If... If it had been up to us—”
“It was up to you!” Ray interrupted, it felt like ripping something, but he was too angry, too hurt to care.
Gabriel stopped, closing his eyes and taking a slow breath in. “Yes,” he admitted. “But we didn't know. I know it's... it's a shitty excuse. But it’s true.”
It was. At least as far as Gabriel was concerned. And wasn't it exactly what Ray had told Josh had happened? He couldn't really explain why he was so much angrier at Gabriel. This had nothing to do with him going after Ray and leaving the babies.
“What about when you tried to make me enjoy it when I told you I just wanted to get it over with?”
Gabriel flinched and his whole body stiffened. “Okay, stop, we can’t—Let me call Yousuf to—”
Ray nodded, feeling awful. The babies couldn’t understand what they were talking about, of course, but that didn't mean they couldn't hear them raise their voices. And no matter what, this was an adult conversation to be had in private.
Yousuf came trailing after Gabriel doing his best to pretend he had no idea why he’s been called away to cover for both of them at once.
“Thanks,” Ray told him and walked past him and right into Gabriel's room across the hall.
Gabriel followed him in, then stopped without closing the door until Ray shot him a puzzled look. There was hardly a point to seeking privacy if they were going to leave the door wide open.
“Do you want me to close the door?” his alpha asked in a tight voice and it hit Ray like a ton of bricks that Gabriel thought...
“Yes,” he said, swallowing hard. “I...”
Gabriel pushed the door until it clicked shut, then moved to face out his window across the room, as far from it as he could possibly get from Ray standing by the door. “You think I don't care if you want to— If you want to sleep with me,” he said slowly.
“You didn't... You didn't listen,” Ray made himself say. It was true. Maybe Gabriel regretted it, but he'd done it. He'd kept pushing until Ray had...
“I care,” Gabriel said, voice scrapping out of his throat. Ray didn't say anything. “I was wrong. I know that. I thought... I thought you were just shocked and, I dunno, shy about how being an omega made you feel. You are—You are young. I thought— I remembered you'd wanted me before, so I figured you still did. It seemed you did, you were so...” He stopped himself before he mentioned how absolutely Ray's body had bent to his alphas' desires. “I was wrong,” he repeated, hopeless and as helpless as Ray had ever seen him. He looked up from where he was bent over the windowsill and met Ray's eyes in the glass. “But I’m not going to get it wrong again. You won’t let me. And Alec won’t either.”
“You don’t want to risk it,” Ray realised.
Gabriel turned around. “No,” he admitted. “Of course not, what kind of asshole do you think I am?”
Ray looked down, suddenly uncomfortable. Because it was one thing to assume Gabriel had done it not knowing, but to imagine he’d known what he was putting Ray through and had gone ahead anyway... It wasn’t something he deserved. It had just seemed so easy for him to ignore every signal Ray had been able to give. “Okay,” he said, and only noticed it didn’t answer Gabriel’s last words when his mate stiffened. “I mean, I—I get it. You didn’t know. I just—I felt like you didn’t care, like you just thought if I was... if my body—” He waved down at himself. “If you could, then...”
It took Gabriel long enough to respond that Ray looked up, seeking the answer on his face. “I don’t expect you to forgive me,” his cousin said softly, defeated. “I don’t—I’m pretty sure I don’t deserve you to. But I would like to... I don’t think I can leave and stay away. I mean, you are... you are my mate—”
“Leave?” Ray cut him off. “You can’t leave!”
“No,” Gabriel agreed gently. “I can’t.”
“And I don’t want you to, anyway." Ray huffed out a breath and stepped back until he could lean against Gabriel's bureau. He let himself take in the room—tidy and a little bare—to avoid Gabriel's face. "What would that help?”
“What do you want, Ray?” his cousin asked softly and there was a weight to the words, a promise implied: whatever it was, if Gabriel could give it to him, he would.
Ray wanted to look up, but it seemed to be too much for his wolf when he was trembling a little already. “I want you to stay," he managed. "And I want you to be the best alpha you can. To take care of the babies, and to help out. And to... to be careful. I need you to be careful because... I don’t want to be scared of you anymore.”
He had to press his lips together to keep any other sound from coming out—he didn't think it'd have been words.
He heard Gabriel swallow thickly across from him. “That’s the last thing I ever wanted.”
It rang true between them, like a judgement. A promise. Ray thought of words, but he wasn't sure he was physically capable of producing any, and it seemed... absurd when they both knew now.
"I won’t..." Gabriel started, then seemed to think better of it. "I swear I won’t ever touch you sexually again without your express invitation."
Ray's head jerked up. "You can’t know—"
"I won’t," Gabriel insisted, all the power of his will behind the words. "If... if we miscalculated, if the wolves need it or something, we’ll talk about it. I will tell you about it and we will find a way. But I don’t want you to wonder, and I would like it to be okay to... to hug you, or just, I don’t know, give you a noogie if you score on me."
Ray swallowed, suddenly flooded with the warmth of Gabriel’s body. Not—not recently. Long ago, just a hug after a match time maybe. He’d grown up being touched casually—werewolves were a particularly touchy bunch—and then he'd gained a pack and lost that intimacy.
It was crazy, but it was like Gabriel said: they were supposed to have sex and it'd seemed like sex was all they could have.
"Is that okay?" Gabriel checked, unable to stand the silence long. "You don’t have tell me now..."
"I don't know," Ray admitted, glancing up to meet his cousin's eyes. "I... I would like a hug."
Gabriel's eyes widened, blue and startled. He was stupidly beautiful, but Ray didn't really care about the regularity of his features. He wanted the tenderness on his face, the insecurity born from love—it wasn't possible to love someone and not be a little afraid they'd break. Anything and anyone you loved was always too fragile for your taste, too likely to be damaged—by the world but also by your own words and actions. He straightened and Ray thought he might cross the space between them, instead he opened his arms in invitation and kept his eyes steady on Ray's face—vulnerable and open to Ray's refusal.
Ray wasn't sure this was a good idea, but he couldn't leave someone he loved exposed like that without responding.
He took a hesitant step closer, and then another, eyes on the slightly trembling corner of Gabriel's red lips. He didn't remember crossing the rest of the distance—it was all lost in the impact of their bodies connecting, the strength of muscle and sinew holding him steady, the tentative hands cupping his back as he threw his arms around his alpha's neck and forced him to lean down into the embrace.
Gabriel breathed out slowly next to his ear, still unsure, and Ray tugged at his long hair, demanding, until the arms around him tightened. Progressively, he relaxed against Ray, pressing the side of his face to Ray's forehead.
And Ray relaxed with him, wolf and man as one, and just held on in silence.
&
Gabriel had insisted on deboning and grilling chicken for dinner—knowing it was one of Ray's favourites—and Ray let himself be spoiled. They'd put the babies in the jungle gym, which Gabriel had fixed after its unfortunate encounter with Jamie's reflexes, and Ray had put on the TV as Gabriel went through chickens on the coffee table with quick, practiced motions.
"I didn't think you knew how to cook," he admitted, watching the process as much as the program.
"I lived on my own for years," Gabriel pointed out good naturedly. "And this is pretty much just prepping meet for grilling, doesn't take much."
It was true that preparing meat was a werewolf skill. Nice as it was to eat it fresh with sharper canines, sometimes it was necessary to hunt a little more to make up for the fact that they consumed about double the calories as a non-shifting human.
"Did you like that?" he asked, getting to his feet and going over to disentangle two of the pups who'd got a little too enthusiastic with their play fighting.
"Well, yeah. I guess it was a little lonely, I went back to visit a lot."
His parents, he must have meant, because he'd actively avoided Ray. Or so it had felt. "And that's when you met Alec, more or less?"
His cousin glanced up just as Ray turned back towards the sofa. "Yeah, couple months later. I didn't want to go back so much. My mum liked having me back, but my dad got a little annoying about it. I liked the guys from work and I figured there was nothing stopping me from hanging out with humans and getting laid."
"And then you fell for the first werewolf that crossed your path?"
Gabriel rolled his eyes, dropping another piece into the bowl. "Yeah, that's me, a walking cliché. Any other questions, mister?"
That shocked a laugh out of Ray. "You always called us that," he remembered. "You sound like Grandma Ruth."
"Hey," came a low greeting from the door and Gabriel turned his whole torso around to look at Alec. It made Ray smile even as Alec's gaze flickered between them. "You are cooking?" their doctor asked, walking into the room.
