Beloved of the Pack, page 14
part #4 of Stars of the Pack Series
"Yeah, but it’s not like the Moon is going to meddle in your thoughts, what would be the evolutionary purpose of that? You get turned on for alphas so you can have sex with them and conceive, and then so they will stay around and protect you. The rest of the time... you are just you.”
He said it so simply, like he had no idea that Ray had been wondering for over a year. “How do you know?”
Alec met his eyes, unsure, as if he understood how important the question was to Ray. “I was like this before, with... with Gabriel. And I was... I’m still like that. And I’m still... I still worry a lot, but the wolf doesn’t care. It wants to hunt and to run and to...” He lowered his eyes.
“I get it,” Ray said, putting him out of his misery. “But how do you know it’s not making you, I don’t know, care about me?”
Alec glanced up, frowning a little. “Right now, it doesn’t even want to mate with you, Ray. If you wanted the perfect way to check if my feelings for you are my own, this is it. You have my bite and you are pack, but anything else... It’s not the wolf.”
He sounded oddly calm, nothing like he’d sounded a few minutes ago explaining he didn’t really want to push Ray down and fuck him. And if he knew that... if he could tell the difference between his wolf’s instincts and his own desires... Maybe he was right; maybe Ray could tell.
“You can...” Alec started, then stopped until Ray gave him a curious look. “You can talk to me about... about Josh. Or boys. We can gossip all you want,” he joked.
“And kiss?” Ray asked on impulse. He wasn’t sure he wanted to, but he definitely liked the way Alec blushed, and it was fine anyway, Alec could hardly hold his hand without asking for permission. “Will... Gabriel mind?” he asked when the alpha didn’t respond right away.
Alec took his hand away so he could rub at his own knees. “I don’t think so,” he said distractedly, but he was frowning.
“It’s cool, I was just—”
“No, I want to, but...”
Ray leaned in close and pressed a peck to his cheek. “It’s fine, really, I was just trying to flirt. I’m not very good at it.”
This made Alec snort. “You or me?”
Ray shrugged, smiling easily now. “I guess we can both be bad at it. It would explain a lot, right?”
Chapter fourteen
He had honestly believed presenting had been the end of his sexuality as it was. It’d been so sudden and so absolute, he hadn’t even been sure what to mourn. Women? Choice? Being the one doing the fucking? He’d had sex for the first time at sixteen with a classmate he’d been calling his girlfriend for a couple months, and after that hadn’t worked out, he’d done things with a few other girls. Well, two other girls.
And that was it. Then it had become all about what his omega wolf wanted, and what Ray felt...
It hadn’t mattered, but it’d never stopped existing, he realised. But what Alec had said made sense: outside of heat and away from an alpha, the wolf didn’t crave sex.
And Ray did.
It was just the inside of his own head and the touch of his own hand but it felt like being offered a banquet of limitless dishes to try. He could fantasize about he wanted, and he didn’t even have to stop any thoughts about Josh for fear of giving himself away later.
He started with women anyway, because it was safe and familiar and because he thought he’d lost it forever. Also because Scarlett Johansson was in his celebrity exceptions list and she was smoking hot—it was a fantasy, but technically it could happen. He didn’t think alphas would care much if their omega slept with a human. He stroked himself slowly, making it last, letting it build until he was trembling a little and only then tightening his grip.
He arched off the bed and made a mess, which anyone with a nose would be able to smell right away, but he closed his eyes and let himself enjoy the afterglow for a few minutes longer before he got up to shove his sheets into the washing machine.
And because reliving his preteen years at nineteen wasn’t embarrassing enough, Irina was in the laundry room making piles of clean clothes to go to each bedroom. She definitely had a nose and she barely kept back her smirk. Ray didn’t know enough about her to tease her, so all he could do was set the machine on and walk out with a flaming face. He should ask Iesu for some dirt on his cousin—there had to be more to Irina than a tough, efficient woman who loved kids and football and was particularly bad at putting up with alphas’ bullshit.
&
The next day, he used the bathroom instead. Naptime was really ideal to spend a little solo time—his sister was like a clock with her show and because she wanted the quiet time, she made sure all the babies were asleep. He didn’t want to have any other awkward encounters so he checked the timetables on the fridge door. Soon they’d need to buy a bigger fridge to fit them all, even if the betas had another one in their kitchenette. Hugo was off work, but of course the betas had their bathroom in their wing now so there was little chance of his newest beta deciding he needed the one next to Ray’s bedroom.
He’d been saving this fantasy since the night before, when he’d barely been able to get to sleep after jerking it in the shower quick after dinner—he couldn’t be selfish when the five of them were sharing two bathrooms and everyone else had an early morning ahead of them. It wasn’t anything fancy, just a man kneeling at his feet and letting him fuck his mouth. Well, not a man, Gabriel. It was a little... humiliating, he could admit that. And it was a lot about how Gabriel had made him feel when he’d... It wasn’t something he wanted to happen. He didn’t want to make anyone feel like that. Not matter how badly they’d fucked up—he didn’t want to touch anyone real with that in his head. But it didn’t hurt anyone to get some of the anger out this way, and it was hot. He pictured pulling on Gabriel’s long blond hair, twisting his left hand to keep his neck stretched so Ray could shove his cock down his throat. Gabriel’s blue eyes wide and tearing a little as Ray pushed in too fast for him to quite draw breath.
He didn’t last long after that. He leaned back against the wall of the shower and his elbow bumped against his belly. It was hard already and the sensation made him jolt upright with a vicious swear. He couldn’t— He turned off the shower and went out without even trying to shake off some of the water.
Didn’t matter, he needed to clean the toilet anyway.
He was halfway through scrubbing the sink when there was a knock.
“Ray?” came Marisa’s voice. “You okay? You have been in there for ages.”
“I’m fine. Cleaning!” he called out too loudly. Marisa obviously could hear him perfectly well through the closed door when standing on the other side of it.
“Okay,” she said easily. “I’m making some tea, want some?”
“No,” Ray said, then remembered to add, “thanks, I’m good.”
Her silence went on too long for her to have been fooled, but she did go so he’d count it as a win. They were okay now, his sister and he, and they would be okay as long as she gave him space—it was good she got that.
&
They hadn’t had any visitors except Ray’s mother and siblings since... It would have been fair to say Ray was hardly in the mood for the Gosdens. Ray had never really liked his aunt Serene. She wasn’t really his aunt, not by blood and not by marriage, but of course that didn’t matter much when someone was pack. The wolves were old hats at adoption and although a parent-child bond was still strongest, Ray had grown up indifferent and mostly unaware to how much blood he shared with other members of his family.
He’d called Gabriel his cousin without really knowing what it meant and hadn’t bothered thinking how true it was until he’d started looking at him a little too closely. Fortunately for him, their connection was thin: their grandparents were siblings.
So it was definitely not about the fact that Serene had been born in another pack and Nathan Gosden had swept her off her feet and brought her over thirty odd years ago. Ray liked Nathan even less—where Gabriel was charming and good natured in his extroversion, his father was... too much. Ray wasn’t sure if he tried too hard to impress others or if he didn’t try hard enough to tone it down.
Nathan probably didn’t even knew he needed to tone it down, he thought as he saw the man shake Alec’s hand too hard. It was an alpha technique to establish seniority and superiority over other alphas and Ray had seen it all around him growing up—but he couldn’t help but resent someone making his mate uncomfortable in their own territory.
Alec might not have wanted it, but by being a member of Ray’s pack, he had seniority while in their land and being older didn’t mean Gabriel’s dad got to waltz in and challenge that. Ray saw Gabriel easily place himself between his father and his lover. It wasn’t an outright challenge but couldn’t possibly be read as anything but a warning to back off.
Nathan chuckled and backed a step, powerful shoulders shrugging off the unspoken reprimand. “And where’s this omega of yours?”
“Ray,” Gabriel corrected. “Not like you haven’t met him.”
“Sure,” his father agreed, completely missing the point. “But I haven’t seen him in a long while. What’s the problem with asking?”
Ray had been hanging back, but he stepped forwards now. It didn’t matter that Nathan was an alpha, this was Ray’s territory and he wasn’t planning on letting the man forget. “Hey, Uncle Nathan.”
Gabriel’s father grinned. “There he is.” He gave Ray a once over and even though he’d dressed in a loose hoody to hide his condition, Ray couldn’t keep from shivering. “Heard congratulations are in order,” he added.
Ray’s heart skipped a beat. Nathan couldn't know, nobody outside his own pack knew—except his mum. And nobody would tell a stranger... And that was what Nathan Gosden was now.
What he'd always be, if he thought presenting omega was something to congratulate him for.
Ray didn’t know what he might have said if Irina hadn’t stepped in with a big, cheesy smile. “Here’s the little princess,” she announced in a voice so syrupy it made Ray turn to check it was actually her. Nathan took a step back away from the baby and caught his wife’s elbow. Suddenly, it occurred to Ray that his uncle might have been speaking about his daughter, not his condition.
It didn’t make Ray feel much better—Maria’s existence hadn’t been his decision—but it probably meant the man hadn’t meant any offense by it.
Serene spoke up for the first time. “Oh, dear, look at her, she’s a darling,” she said sweetly. She was sincere in her admiration as far as Ray could tell. A moment later it was confirmed when she frowned and added, “But who cut her hair off? I remember my boys’ curls when they were this age, they looked like little angels.”
“They looked like girls,” her husband grumbled and Ray forgot all about his possible good intentions. Serene didn’t seem to hear—which must have been an essential skill around her husband—and extended her arms for Maria. Irina’s reluctance to pass her over endeared her to Ray even more than the timely interruption. When the beta warned Maria’s grandma that she sometimes became a wolf unexpectedly, he could barely hold back his laughter.
Serene seemed quite shocked, even though Ray remembered Anne had done it too. Had she somehow trained Gabriel and his three younger brothers out of shifting even when they were toddlers?
He looked for Gabriel and found he was talking to his father a little way off—with Alec next to him, way too close for alpha protocol. Hell, he was actually leaning his side against Alec’s. Alec seemed acutely aware of it, and Gabriel totally oblivious. Except of course even Ray knew it, there was no way in hell both Gabriel and his alpha father didn’t know it too. What was Gabriel doing?
He wondered if this was some sort of game the two of them were playing, but if it was, shouldn’t Alec have looked okay with it? There was liking submission and there was looking like you wanted to bolt. Ray glanced at Serene and Maria; the older woman was gurgling at the baby, making her smile. Ray had always found the way she was silent unless spoken to and the way she only seemed to have an opinion on domestic matters off-putting, but he hardly imagined she was planning to run off his with daughter.
Irina met his eyes. “Should we get the others and give them a chance to run around for a bit?” she asked Ray. Because Gabriel’s parents had only asked to meet Maria—and only six months after she’d been born, at that—the other babies were still inside.
He thought about it. “You will stay outside with them?”
“Sure, and Marisa will come along. Only approved babysitters,” she teased him lightly.
He nodded. “Thank you.”
Ray really needed to do something for the betas to show them how much he appreciated their help—he certainly had way too much to do to also care for his children on his own. He turned towards Gabriel. He’d hooked one of his fingers on one of the loops of Alec's trousers. Alec, of course, was about to vibrate out of his own skin.
Ray didn’t interrupt the conversation between Gabriel and his father, just sidled up to Alec. “Hey, need your help with something.”
Alec should have felt him approach but he still jumped a little. “Yeah,” he said at once, trying to cover it up. Ray stepped away and he followed, forcing Gabriel to pull his hand away rather awkwardly. Alec didn’t seem to notice he’d done it and Ray used the excuse of lowering his gaze in an appropriately submissive manner to avoid Gabriel’s startled look.
They didn’t speak as they went up to the house. Once there, Ray gave Alec a moment to decide which way to head and the alpha went for his own room. Ray followed him in there and closed the door.
Alec was sitting on his bed, his fingers pressing against the skin of forehead, back bent forwards and breathing a little ragged.
“Do you want me to leave you alone?” Ray checked, and Alec raised a hand and waved a clumsy denial. So Ray took Alec’s ergonomic desk chair, leaning indulgently into the cushiness of it. He should get one himself, he thought idly.
“Thank you,” Alec said. His hands were on his lap but he still wasn’t looking at Ray.
“What are mates for?” Ray asked, earning himself a little look. But Alec couldn’t seem to think of a response. He was just fidgeting in place, so Ray got up and went to sit by his side, pressing them together from shoulder to thighs but keeping his hands front and centre. “I take it he didn’t ask you if he could do that.”
Alec shook his head. Ray huffed. “That’s shitty.”
“I... I said it was okay with me if you guys knew,” Alec explained. “I think— maybe I said pack? Maybe he thought...”
“Oh, come on.” Ray turned to look at him, and slowly placed a hand on his forearm. Alec leaned into the touch. “Don’t do that. He was clearly trying to—I don’t know, one-up his father.”
Alec snorted. “You think his father would think being with me...”
“Well, maybe not, but maybe Gabriel does. Maybe he thinks if he is with you, then he’s won because he did whatever he wanted, not what his father told him to.”
“That doesn’t sound bad,” Alec pointed out, meeting his eyes. “That sounds like he... like he chose me.”
Ray thought about it, about Gabriel defying all expectations and moving out of his parents’ house before finding a mate, about him finding a mate so late in life and inviting his alpha ex to join him... Was he doing all that because he wanted to show his father he couldn’t be controlled or because he simply wanted all those things even though he shouldn’t have? But that wasn’t the point, anyway. The point was that he’d made Alec feel tense and scared; he’d forgotten to think about his feelings and needs.
That wasn’t what an alpha did. And it definitely wasn’t what a lover did.
“He should have asked you what you wanted,” he told Alec firmly.
Alec exhaled a little shakily, then surprised Ray by turning his torso towards him and sliding his free hand around Ray’s shoulder in a loose hug. “Thank you for rescuing me,” he said, and shocked him even further by placing a soft kiss on Ray’s cheek before pulling back.
Ray stared at him. “What are you going to do?” he asked. It was an easier question and he did want to know.
Alec’s heartbeat had evened out. “Tell him that,” he said simply.
There was a knock at the door and Ray listened. It had to be Gabriel...
“It’s not him,” Alec mouthed at him. “Gabriel won’t leave Maria alone with strangers.”
Ray shot him a look as they got up. “Strangers?” he repeated. “They are his parents.”
Alec shook his head. “They aren’t pack and—” He stopped himself.
“It doesn’t matter, I’m going to go get them inside,” Ray said and opened the door. He gave Irina a smile and she responded with a long-suffering look. Ray risked touching her arm lightly. “Thanks for the rescue,” he told her, echoing Alec.
She seemed surprised but nodded. “No problem, Ray.”
&
“Hey,” Ray said when Iesu told him to come in.
Iesu was laying half on top of Sergi, using his phone with his left hand and shirtless. Ray wasn’t sure if he was really that hot all the time or he just liked showing off his considerable assets in the arms department.
He smiled when he saw Ray. “Come in, and sit down, you are giving me a neck ache.”
Ray glanced around but with the big dresser the alphas shared there was no room for chairs or desks so he went for the bureau and hoisted himself up. He was still pretty high up, but Iesu didn’t complain, blinking sleepily at him. “What’s up?”
“Well, remember how you told the betas there would be football?” he asked. “I think it’s time we deliver. I was thinking this Sunday we could have a match.”
“Oh,” Iesu sprang up. “Ray, you are a genius!”
“It was your idea,” Ray pointed out, sharing an amused look with Sergi, still flat on the bed and seemingly disinclined to move or talk.
“Whatever, I’m a genius, but you reminded me of my genius so you can be a genius too,” Iesu decided. “So we need at least ten players. Will your sister play?” he checked.
