Beloved of the Pack, page 10
part #4 of Stars of the Pack Series
But he didn’t get to be angry for long because Jamie was already licking his face, whining softly in welcome and he didn’t have the heart to upset him further by raising his voice.
He vaguely recalled the babies crying in the background while he shouted at Alec. They’d felt how upset he was even through closed doors. The alphas must have made sure they were as far as possible before telling Ray the news, he realised, half grateful, half ashamed he hadn’t been able to control himself for their sake. Maria nudged his side with her face—probably forgetting she didn’t have a snout—and Ray gathered her close too, and just like that he was at the bottom of a puppy pile.
And goddess, he loved them. And what if someone hurt them like he’d been hurt? What if next time his sacrifice wasn’t enough?
He didn’t realise he was crying until he gasped for breath and moved Sasha off his chest. He didn’t want to let her go, but he couldn’t—
“Ray?” Josh asked in alarm, but Ray didn’t look at him. “Are you... What’s wrong?”
Ray tried to speak, to put him off or calm him down. He didn’t know, it didn’t work anyway, it just meant he’d opened his mouth and the sob he’d been holding back spilled free.
Josh shouted Alec’s name and started getting the babies off the bed. It was way too late, Sasha was wailing and Mikey was whimpering softly still in fur. Ray turned away and fisted the sheets, pushing his face down into them and locking his muscles as if he could keep himself from shaking so hard he felt like he was going to fall apart. It was as much protection from his pain as he could offer them.
He didn't really hear Alec come in but he felt him, and he felt the pups being taken away—tugging at the bond nobody talked about, the one between an omega and his children.
It hurt, but he didn't ask them to stop. It should hurt. He’d hurt them, it was all he could. What else did he have inside himself but pain?
And no matter how much he cried, how much he screamed and tore at the cloth in his hands... it didn't seem to stop. He just wanted it to stop.
“Shhhh...” Josh's voice in his ear was soft but firm. “I will make it stop. I promise, I will,” he insisted, fierce and desperate.
And Ray wanted nothing more than to believe him. But he couldn’t. He couldn't tell if Josh believed himself, but Ray knew in his heart of hearts that it wouldn't stop. Josh pressed closer and Ray jerked but he didn't try to pull away. He knew Josh couldn't protect him, but he wanted him to. He wanted to be safe.
Josh curled up against his back, murmuring words that didn't matter as much as his warmth and his presence next to Ray. And Ray stopped trying to stop, he just gave in and let it pour out of him.
It didn't seem like it'd ever end but even his body had limits and slowly he found himself panting, no more tears coming. The coverlet was a disgusting mess but he couldn't find the energy to turn his head around.
Josh's fingers were carding through his hair and Ray could suddenly feel them and the path they'd drawn on his scalp again and again who knew for how long.
He seemed to sense that Ray was aware of him because he spoke, “Let me get the tissues.”
Ray managed enough autonomy to clean off his own snot and threw the balled up tissue away before Josh could attempt to take it. Josh huffed, frustrated, but this was bad enough without making his friend pick up his used tissues. Josh went back to the head massage without another word.
“Are they...?” Ray tried out, trailing off when he heard the rasp that was his voice.
“Yeah, they were upset, that's all,” Josh said evenly. “Don’t worry about them; Alec and Gabriel are on it.”
“I’m sorry,” Ray said quietly.
Josh’s grip on his arm tightened. “Don't be sorry, didn't you say I was allowed to cry? What makes you so special?”
“I’m a mess,” Ray replied, pushing himself up into a sitting position. His hands were still trembling slightly but his head was quiet again—probably he'd cried himself out, maybe it was just all buried again waiting to erupt the moment he felt anything.
“You are doing pretty well, I would be jumping off a cliff at this point,” Josh said, lips curving up while his eyes stayed the same. And Ray couldn’t hide his reaction fast enough because Josh’s eyes widened and he inhaled sharply. “Ray,” he said. He sounded terrified.
Ray swallowed, feeling like he'd throw up. He didn't want Josh to...
Josh took hold of his upper arm, too hard, nails digging a little—not that Ray cared about a little more pain. “Ray, you can’t—"
“I know I can't,” Ray told him, and he didn't even care that much when Josh choked out a sound of pain. He didn't have any room left for any more pain—his own or anyone else's.
“What...?”
“You don't have to worry,” Ray said. “I just... I just want it to stop, okay? It's a feeling, I can't—I can't help how I feel.”
“Can I— is there anything I can do?” Josh asked and he sounded like he would jump off that cliff if Ray asked it of him.
Ray shook his head. He knew Josh would have helped if he could—it was just that he couldn't.
Nobody could.
“Can I hold you?” Josh asked after a moment, his voice had lost all traces of certainty now. He was scared. Ray had scared him. He nodded; he didn't hold it against Josh. There wasn't anything anyone could do, after all.
He didn't know how long they'd been pressing close when the knock came. He was warm and sleepy—he'd closed his eyes at some point and leaned his head against Josh's neck.
“What?” Josh called out.
“I need to talk to Ray,” Alec said clearly from the other side of the door.
Josh tensed and leaned back to meet Ray's eyes, alarm writ clear on his face.
Ray shrugged. He felt so blank, he could hardly imagine he'd care about whatever Alec had to say.
But Josh cared. “I’m talking to him first,” he decided, letting Ray go. “Maybe you can have a shower? I'll change the sheets.”
For some reason, it was the idea of being naked again that got through the thin layer of indifference his mind had helpfully provided him with. He shook his head.
Josh paused a second longer, then nodded. “Okay, I'll go talk to him outside.”
&
The knock came again maybe five minutes, maybe five hours later. Ray's eyes were dry from not blinking and he had to swallow before he could speak and invite his alpha to come in.
Alec opened the door slowly, then slipped in and closed it quickly behind him.
Ray almost flinched, remembering the look on Alec’s face when Ray had shouted at him. “I treated you like crap,” he rasped out.
“Already forgotten,” Alec said. He was lying, but somehow he was holding Ray's gaze anyway. A lie that wasn't a lie because he meant it. He'd forgive Ray for it, even though Ray didn't deserve it.
“No, I'm sorry,” he said. “I know it's not your fault.”
Alec swallowed, turning his body slightly away. “I promised you, and I failed.”
“You promised to be my doctor, not... you aren't responsible for my actions.”
“Your...?” Alec started to ask. “Ray, he...” He faltered, then spoke with obvious difficulty, pulse a hum in Ray’s ears. “He raped you.”
He said it quietly, like he was afraid of the words.
Ray looked down at his hands, remembering how he'd fought. And how he'd stopped. But it wasn't just that... “I let him take me away, so he wouldn't hurt the babies.”
“Fuck, you think that isn't rape?”
“I decided to do it,” Ray confessed. He’d known, of course, but to tell someone else... “I knew he was going to... And I went with him. It was worth it,” he added almost viciously. He thought about Josh’s suggestion of a shower, but he’d washed it off already and he couldn’t do anything to erase the sense memory of it—no amount of soap, or bleach, could do that.
As long as he lived, he’d have to carry it with him.
He saw Alec's hand twitch, but of course Alec wasn't Josh, he wouldn't even ask to touch Ray. “Then you couldn't consent freely and it's still rape.”
“Okay,” Ray agreed. What did it matter what they called it? “Nicholas still won.”
“He—” Alec started to say, then cut himself off. “I have something else to tell you. Something good, do you want to hear it now?”
“Something good?” Ray echoed, uncomprehending.
“It’s... I don't know, a silver lining?” he offered, and when Ray didn't say more, he continued, “You can have single pregnancies from now on. You just need to take... an alpha. And stay away for the full night. The other wolves will lose interest.”
Ray stared, brain rushing with too many words to process. “What?” he asked in the end because he couldn't seem to make sense of it.
“That’s why we... the wolves didn't need to...” He waved a hand, probably not wanting to mention sex in the same conversation as rape.
“But I thought...” Ray met his eyes, blinking back tears.
“I have been talking to—e to other omegas,” Alec explained. “I don't know a lot, but that's how I figured out...” He stopped. “I’m sorry, I should have seen it earlier, but it was a good thing and I—I was stupid, I just didn’t think of it. It’s so obvious, but... I’m sorry.”
Ray didn't answer, struggling to get his brain to do the math. He'd assumed he'd have a litter every year at the very least. He hadn't really allowed himself to think of the numbers. He’d instinctively known that he couldn’t handle it. Alec had said an omega's cycles slowed down as he aged, but he'd assumed he'd cross the dozen in less than three years.
This meant... “But then, I would... I will go into heat more often.”
“I don't really think so,” Alec said. “You won't while the baby is very young and then the... feeding helps too.”
“It didn't help this time,” Ray said quietly.
“It’s not the same,” Alec objected. “Your body wasn't ready, it was just close enough it could... It could conceive if it was asked to.”
“Are you sure?” Ray asked in the end, meeting Alec's eyes despite how hard it was. He couldn't stand it if this was just...
“Yes,” Alec said at once, then he stopped and clarified, “About the single pregnancy. The rest is a good guess based on other people's experiences.”
“Okay, I— thank you.”
“I can—” Alec started but he stopped when Ray raised a hand.
“I... I would like to be alone.”
“Ah, yes, of course,” his alpha said, scrambling for the doorknob. “I— Call if you—” But he didn't finish the sentence before he closed the door a little too hard.
Ray looked down at this own hands numbly, then pushed his shirt over his head and his boxers down his legs as fast as he could and dropped himself into the wolf's wild certainty. The wolf was in pain, too—it couldn't get away from it any more than Ray could—but it was a simpler kind, easier to combat with time and comfort than the tangle of emotions Ray's human brain couldn't untangle or escape.
He found a space to wedge himself into between the bed and the wall, tucked his tail in and pressed his ears against his skull, trying to block out the world for a little while.
&
Josh found him there in the morning, and when Ray opened his eyes his own fur already smelled of his alpha. Josh rubbed the side of his face, tracing the prickly skin of his snout. Ray licked his hand. “Hey, sleepy head,” his friend greeted him. “I thought you might need some fresh meat, got you a rabbit.”
Ray almost toppled him when he sprang to his feet, but Josh laughed. “Finally!” he crowed. “Come, I left it in the front porch.”
He didn’t even notice he was outside until he’d eaten all the soft meat and started on the bones. Josh was standing by his side, not watching him eat but a steady presence between him and the door.
“Ray?” he asked when he saw Ray watching him. He shook the water bottle in his hand. “Wanna?”
He knelt where he was, putting himself at Ray’s height, and Ray got closer and drank from his cupped palm.
Josh didn’t try to touch him, which was fine because now that he was awake all Ray and his wolf agreed on was that something was wrong.
It wasn’t Josh, of course. But he needed to be alert. He turned his head, sniffing at the air. To Ray, the fact that it was only members of the pack was somewhat reassuring; to the wolf it didn’t quite help. It could feel Ray’s distress and it couldn’t find the source. And if it didn’t know where the danger was... it meant it could be anywhere.
Josh opened the door, but Ray ignored him, settling down on the porch instead. He wasn’t sure why the houses of the pack all included one, but they made a great spot to keep guard and he definitely couldn’t feel the cold as a wolf.
Josh hesitated in the doorway, but then he huffed and went back inside, leaving Ray there alone. He stayed there even when everyone left for work, leaving only Marisa behind to do the babysitting since she was too young to get paid a decent wage even if she did find a job willing to take her with no experience.
Ray registered their absence—the sense of impeding danger getting worse with each member of his pack that left him behind—and he didn’t move from his post, knowing he was the last line of defence between whatever was coming and his children.
Chapter eleven
Ray was aware of Josh at once—in fact, he'd identified the particular rumblings of the Jeep's engine long before it was visible—but he didn't feel the need to acknowledge him. Ray was guarding his pack and Josh wasn't a threat.
Iesu had rubbed Ray's head on his way in, and Sergi had simply gone inside and got him some water in a soup bowl, but Josh paused for a significant long time. Ray tilted his head in his direction, more ear than eye. It was pretty hard to tell facial expressions with a wolf's brain but Josh did not smell happy. When Ray didn't move, his alpha huffed. "Okay, then."
He pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it on the wooden porch besides Ray. Then unhooked his tennis without untying the laces in the way Ray's mum had always complained about—Josh's own mum likely didn't much care—and unhooked the button of his jeans. Before Ray knew it, he was completely naked.
It wasn't like the wolf had any interest in the human body, either, but it was their mate. He stood up as Josh shoved his clothes into a corner and turned around only to fall on four already formed paws. He darted closer and bit Ray's ear—not hard enough to break skin but painful anyway. Then he took off.
Ray didn't think, he just reacted to the challenge and followed. Josh had the head start but Ray was faster so it wasn't long before he could shove his whole body against his mate's and make him stumble. Josh turned around and tangled their legs together, sending Ray crashing to the ground with him and snipping playfully until he managed to get on top of him. Ray snapped right back—a wolf's kind of submission more than allowed for play fighting with his alpha, it encouraged it. An alpha wolf was meant to assert his power over omegas and betas and this kind of struggle was both the precursor to real fights and what ensured they didn't take place.
Ray pretended to go limp under Josh and used his surprise as a decoy to shove him off and ran away, this time with Josh following instead.
He didn't know for how long they chased each other like pups, but it was pretty dark by the time they made it to the lake and stopped to drink. And then they had to catch something to eat, of course.
It was lucky their birth pack had let loose a fair number of rabbits and took care to keep the population down even when they could have simply bought tastier meat. It wasn't as plentiful as a deer—which they purchased alive from a slaughterhouse—but it worked better for small groups. Hunting a deer with only one other wolf would have been like asking for a swift kick to the head and, accelerated healing or not, Ray knew from personal experience that concussions still fucking hurt.
He nearly didn't notice Josh was leading him towards the body of trees they called a forest for lack of a better descriptor, but he stopped between two big oaks and whined and his mate gave up the idea. He surprised Ray by coming closer and nuzzling his neck. Ray responded in kind; he was well-fed and happy and he knew his other mates were home with their pups. He wanted— Josh stepped back and shifted. He ended up sitting buck naked on the grass, blinking fast to try and regain some of the clarity of night vision his wolf eyes had provided. Ray thought he was going to be asked to shift back too, but Josh just crawled over to the nearest trunk and leaned against it before opening his arms in invitation, so Ray went and allowed himself to be coaxed into his lap. "Mmm..." Josh sighed. "You are so warm."
Ray licked his ear, startling him into something very close to a giggle. Josh's grip tightened around him—strong and solid—and Ray settled, happy to give into the soft pleasure of Josh's fingers behind his ears.
He was nearly asleep when his friend spoke again. "I have to tell you something," he said softly—his mouth was so closed to Ray's ear that he could have probably heard his thoughts with a little effort—and Ray tensed. "Shhhh..." Josh said, almost an admonishment. "It's okay. You have a choice to make, but whatever you choose, it's okay."
He let the silent stand, rubbing Ray's side with his other hand and giving his heart time to slow down again. "Alec can end the pregnancy," Josh said a little too fast. He held on fast when Ray tried to move, but only for a short moment. He then let him spring away.
Ray didn't go far though, because he suddenly was tangled up in his own clumsy legs. He hadn't shifted unintentionally in a long time, and now he'd nearly not noticed. He turned to stare at Josh, still kneeling on the ground. "What?"
"He can..." Josh stopped. "If you want, he can do it. While you are shifted."
The reasoning was quite obvious; when Ray was shifted into a wolf now, Alec would be able to access... "Because I'm a bitch." He was used to it, now, he realised. Somehow in the months since he’d given birth—had it really been months?—he’d forgotten the feel of his own genitals in wolf form.
Josh nodded tightly, his whole expression shuttered. Not that it did much to hide his unhappiness from Ray.
