“I know, Mother,” Fen said. She shivered, remembering her father hinting at an attack. Was there much that was being kept from her? What didn’t she know? How could she be so in the dark? Was there another reason, a reason that had to do with her welfare should the Zhang Dynasty come under attack, that made her mother so desperate to see her settled?

  “You do not know, daughter,” the empress said, confirming her suspicions.

  “Then tell me, please. What is happening? What is being kept from me?” Fen tried to stop walking, going as far as to touch her mother’s arm.

  The empress pulled away, continuing down the path. “You have been told all that you need to be told. I see no point in taking you into my confidence now. You can’t obey the little requests we’ve already laid at your feet.”

  Little? Her mother considered the command that she pick a man for marriage little?

  “Lord He feels his honor has been insulted and after Piers Aaron’s actions, I tend to believe Lord He has a right to be.”

  “Empress?” Fen didn’t like the diminishing anger in her mother’s voice, the slight fall of tone she got when coming to a conclusion.

  “Aaron will be exiled to Singhai, delivered to Lord He to be dealt with as the noble sees fit.”

  “He’ll kill him,” Fen gasped.

  “I doubt it. He’ll most likely make him a servant. Really, it is the most humane course. Aaron will have a new profession. Once Lady Hsin fires him, he’ll not find work in Muntong.”

  Fen stopped walking, not caring that her mother kept going down the path. Aaron fated to be a servant in Lord He’s home? She’d heard rumors of how such servants were treated in Singhai. Lord He would have Aaron beaten, starved, tortured, imprisoned, castrated…

  Tianna!

  “No,” Fen said, loud enough that her mother heard her.

  The empress stopped, turning in surprise, her mouth open as if she’d still been talking, completely unaware that her daughter wasn’t next to her.

  Fen rushed forward, shaking her head in denial. “No, you can’t do that.”

  “I most certainly can and will,” the empress assured her.

  “Then I won’t get married,” Fen said. “Ever. I’ll die just as I am now, unwed and living in the Royal Hall. You will get no grandchildren out of me.”

  “And if I don’t?” the empress asked.

  “I’ll…” Fen paused. “I’ll choose a husband out of the nobles you brought here to the palace. We’ll give my choice to the astrologers so they can consult their Chien Tung or whatever divination tool they need to use to declare the match fitting. I’m sure you can convince them to give their blessing to whomever I pick.”

  “I would never presume to know more than fate,” the empress denied, insulted.

  “Fine, but even fate can be read differently according to circumstance,” Fen said. “Give me your word that you will say nothing about Aaron to Lady Hsin or to the emperor. Send him home, his honor as intact as it was before he came. No one knows of what I’ve done. If you do this, I will choose a husband.”

  The empress studied her face for a long moment before slowly smiling. “Ye Shing—”

  “I will choose the husband,” Fen said, sternly. “My decision. But I promise it will be one of the nobles.”

  The empress nodded. “Choose well. We’ll make the announcement tonight as we dine.”

  “Tonight?” Fen was nauseated at just the thought.

  “Shi.” The empress nodded. “Tonight.”

  What did it matter if she chose tonight or next week? In the end, it was all the same. She’d be married. Any number of her suitors would make a fine husband and a deep friendship would come in time.

  “I’ll be in my chambers, preparing myself.” Fen bowed to her mother. She saw movement in the corner of her eye and glanced back to see Aaron. The distance kept his exact expression from her, but he stopped walking.

  “You are not to see him,” the empress said, her voice gentle. “Trust me, Fen, it’s for the best. Such affairs as these have no future, only a shameful past. Nothing good can come from anything that man has offered you.”

  Fen glanced at her mother and nodded her head, saying nothing. Sure, the woman could be understanding now that she’d finally gotten her way.

  Fen was the first to walk away, not daring to look at Aaron, unable to see him now that her future was set. There would be no goodbyes for them, no final kiss or touch. All that happened would be but a memory, a song carried on the wind only to be heard on lonely nights when one couldn’t help but remember what could have been.

  A tear slipped over her cheek and she quickened her pace. Her pain needed the solitude of her bedchamber, away from the palace eyes. First, she would cry. Then she would lock away her heart and choose her future with logic and wisdom, and then she’d take the next step in her lifelong journey with the poise of a true Zhang princess.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Why? Why!

  After all his patience, why wasn’t Princess Fen his? He’d borne her infidelity with a servant, he’d sacrificed his own blood to his ancestors for help. And now this, the final insult. She was to marry another.

  “Please, blessed ancestors, help the rumors to be lies. Or, if not lies, help her to pick me, her true husband. How can she do this to me? Treating me as if I were no more than a wood post she can lean on and forget.” The man rocked back and forth, tears streaming from his eyes—hot trails of frustration. “Make it not so. Make it not so.”

  He rocked faster, pulling at his hair in frustration. The walls of his chamber in Péng You Hall started to loom in on him, wobbling under his vision as if they were about to collapse. The walls stayed standing, but the sick feeling of hopelessness within him didn’t go away.

  “I am not wood. I am not wood. Help her to see. Help her to know the truth. I have survived all tests, borne all grief. Please, show her the truth. Let her see me, her wooden post, let her see. Make her see.”

  * * *

  “Fen, it’s not true, is it?” Shen asked, coming around the corner into the imperial gardens where she sat alone. Lian and Haun were right behind him. “Rumors are flying all over the palace. The empress said you had chosen a husband and that it would be announced tonight.”

  “No,” Fen said in dejection.

  “Then she misunderstood something,” Haun said. “Quick, come with us so that we may find her and stop her madness.”

  “No,” Fen said. “I will announce a husband tonight. I just haven’t decided on who that man will be.”

  “Why?” Lian asked. They stopped near her bench, towering over her, their stances wide as they stood, arms crossed over their chests. They made a pretty intimidating sight. She wasn’t scared.

  Fen looked at the ground, bombarded with their protective presence but not feeling like she could move. After an hour crying in her chambers, she’d been forced to leave as servants came to clean. They assumed her red puffy eyes were from tears of joy, as a bride’s tears were a lucky sign.

  “What happened?” Haun asked.

  “How is she forcing your hand?” Shen demanded. He closed his eyes, as if trying to see the future. “I know she’s up to something. You wouldn’t have changed your mind so fast. You are more constant than that.”

  “No, Shen, stop trying to read into it,” Fen said “Don’t look at it. I don’t want to know anything about what will happen.”

  Shen opened his eyes and nodded. He sat down beside her. “Who will you choose, Fen? And why?”

  “Mou Tian,” Fen said, knowing that out of all of them, he’d be the least interested in an intimate relationship with her. She couldn’t imagine taking another man to her bed. Ever.

  “No,” Haun said, his tone closely resembling an order. “Why would you take such a man? There is no logic in the decision.”

  “I think him perfect. I do not want a marriage and he does not want me.” Fen shrugged delicately and looked up.

  “You are upset,” Lian said. “You wouldn’t be saying this if you were thinking clearly.”

  “If you are set on this course, at least give yourself a chance at a happy life. Pick a man you can come to love, Fen,” Haun said. “It’s not like your options are limited.”

  “But they are.” She laughed wryly. Out of all of them, it didn’t surprise her that Haun would be the first to accept her decision. He knew about duty, about sacrificing himself for his people. As future emperor, he would marry someone who was best for the empire, not someone who was best for his heart. It was the way of things for him. Haun never complained, never spoke of it, but Fen felt sorry for him. They all did.

  “She caught you with someone? That’s how she’s forcing you to do this,” Lian said. She should’ve known he’d figure it out with his gift of the present. “Your heart feels like it’s been crushed into small pieces.” He took a deep breath, touching her arm and gasping. “It’s broken, Fen. What’s happened?”

  “Don’t read me,” Fen demanded, standing. “I told you I don’t want to know anything.”

  “Fen, okay, we understand. If you say you must do this, then we’ll support your decision. But, not Mou Tian, all right? Pick another. Pick anyone, so long as you give yourself a chance to be happy.” Shen stood with her.

  Lian pressed his hand over his heart. He was breathing hard as he stared at her. She couldn’t meet his eyes.

  “Pick someone you could see loving,” Lian said. “If not now, in the times to come.”

  “Give yourself a chance at happiness,” Haun added. “We all know you would never do this if you didn’t feel you had to.”

  “Duty and honor,” Fen whispered, looking at Haun. His expression clouded. She now truly knew how he felt. How did he deal with it? “It’s all we are in this life, isn’t it? We’re royalty. We’re gods the people can see. And because they expect it, we must be who they want us to be. Duty and honor.”

  Her brothers didn’t answer. Haun nodded once, a slow, deliberate motion that stated he both agreed and understood.

  “Who would you have me choose?” she asked. “You three love me more than anyone else in this palace. You will want my happiness even when I don’t care to look for it. Who would you choose for me if the choice were yours? Ye Shing?”

  “Deng Li,” Shen said. “His future is untroubled and bright.”

  “Deng Li,” Lian added. “He likes you and he is a kind, good man. He knows respect and will make a fine father to your children.”

  Fen turned to Haun. The phoenix blessed the oldest with strength and a warrior’s heart. He was brave, sturdy and did what had to be done. He, out of all her family, would understand her position and sacrifice. He would know what she had to do. “And you, Haun? Who would you pick for me?”

  “I agree,” Haun said. “Deng Li will make a fine husband. He will take care of you, Fen. Changshangu is a fine province. If you choose to live there and not at the palace, I can see you making a happy life for yourself. As far as fates go, it’s not so bad a one.”

  “Then I bow to your gifts, brothers, and thank you for your council.” Fen took a deep breath and looked at them each in turn. “For this is not a decision I can make for myself right now.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Aaron opened the chamber door, surprised to see a palace servant standing before him and not a guard. His stomach was in knots—not so much because of his fate, but for Fen’s. He didn’t care what happened to him, so long as she wasn’t punished. Luckily, as a princess, she would most likely be forgiven, her shame hidden within a secret. Aaron was used to being a secret.

  He’d seen Fen’s face when the empress told her of his past, of how he’d been disowned. What the empress hadn’t said, is that he’d been a boy when it happened, newly delivered onto an unhappy grandmother’s doorstep.

  “The emperor and empress request your presence during dinner,” the servant said, interrupting his thoughts.

  Aaron nodded, not saying anything as he shut the door. There was no request to the command. He didn’t have a choice. He was going to dinner. Confused, he shook his head. Dinner? Why dinner?

  It was too much to hope that the empress had changed her mind about him. He’d seen the judgment in her eyes. It was a look he was familiar with, a look that said he was unworthy.

  Lying down on the bed, he tried to breathe over the rock his heart had become. It was truly over with Fen, and the pain was much worse than he thought it would be.

  * * *

  Fen smiled at Deng Li, but it was a halfhearted attempt. He really was a nice man, with a kind manner, dark steady eyes and a handsome face. His dark hair was cut short, barely a half of an inch long on top. When he spoke, his voice was melodious, the kind of voice a woman could easily listen to without getting tired of. She was making a good choice. He would make a compassionate, smart and talented husband. What woman could really ask for more?

  Love.

  “I wish to speak to you,” Fen said, motioning to a bench randomly placed along the long walkway near a row of shrubs. She ignored the thoughts in the back of her mind, telling her she deserved love, happiness…Aaron.

  “Are you sure?” Li asked, his sober expression saying he understood what she was going to ask him.

  She sighed in relief, grateful that he wasn’t going to make her explain in detail. “Yes. I feel we could be happy.”

  “Then it is my duty to accept,” he said with a firm nod.

  Fen sat, motioning him to join her. He did, taking his place at her side but leaving enough room so their bodies did not touch. She eyed him carefully, almost pitying him. He was so nice, so deserving, and she resented herself for not loving him.

  There is something to be said about friendship in marriage. Love will come in time.

  Fen closed her eyes and took a deep breath, doing her best to hide the pain inside her chest. “Do not accept only out of duty. I will not pretend to feel something I don’t, and you must make your decision freely. This is not a royal decree. If you refuse, no one will know, not even the emperor.”

  Li looked at his hands, considering her words.

  “Speak openly, please,” she said.

  “I would know why you do this.”

  “I’m not being given a choice,” Fen answered. She figured that was enough of an explanation. How could she speak of emotions she had yet to consider fully, had yet to get over? Even now, looking at Li, she didn’t feel attraction. She didn’t feel the burning need, the desperate pull she did with Aaron. “But you are. I don’t want you to accept if you feel your happiness can be discovered elsewhere. I choose you because you are kind. You will make a good leader to the people, a good husband. And, if anyone is to benefit from marriage to a princess, I wish it to be a man who deserves whatever benefits such an alliance will bring.”

  “I am flattered by your words,” he said, finally meeting her eyes. “I am here out of duty, and I’ve stayed for the same reason. Each suitor knows why he is here, Princess. A man could hardly wish for more admirable qualities in a wife. I would be honored.”

  Fen nodded. He hesitated, reaching forward to touch her hand. It was awkward, but she let him hold it. “My mother wishes to make an announcement tonight. The astrologers will be consulted, but I can’t remember them ever saying no to a match. They give warnings such as no babies the first year and whatnot, but never have they said no. Not even with my brother, Jin, did they disclaim the match.”

  Li nodded, patting her hand. They sat back and she was relieved that being with him was at least comfortable. He didn’t make her talk and she was glad. She didn’t think she could hold a conversation right now anyway.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Madame Eng, the head of the four other palace astrologers, was already in the dining hall when Fen arrived. A long table had been set up, showcasing the many ways they were to divine her future. As Fen tried not to look at the table, she wished her sister Mei was home. Having brothers was fine, but she really needed a woman to talk to—one who wasn’t her mother.

  There were no guards in the hall, only the noble guests. Not only was the first batch of suitors there, so was the second—men she’d met over the years during royal ceremonies. Just like the first group, they ranged in age and qualities. She felt nothing for them as she was reintroduced.

  Dinner was a long affair and Fen did not have the appetite for it. She spent most of her time pushing her food around her plate with her kuay tzu. The carved ivory chopsticks were only used on special occasions.

  Li sat next to her, nodding occasionally in encouragement. He sensed how hard this was for her, and she imagined it wasn’t the easiest for him. Everyone dreamed of a marriage filled with passion and love. Her intended looked handsome in the ceremonial green chinoiserie jacket with frog fastenings and a Mandarin collar. The buttons were undone, and beneath the jacket was a cream and white buttoned shirt.

  It didn’t take much to conclude that her mother was responsible for the outfit, for the green matched the lighter green of her gown, though hers was embroidered with blue flowers slashing across the chest. Again, the empress picked a style that forced the air from Fen’s lungs. The belt was cinched tight, keeping her back rigid and her ribs sore.

  She probably doesn’t want to give me the chance to make a run for it, Fen thought.

  Her hair was left long and loose about her shoulders. In truth, she didn’t have the willpower to do anything with it, so she’d just left it after stepping out of the decontaminator.

  Lord Ye sat brooding, his eyes refusing to lift from the table as he drank. Fen couldn’t find the strength to care that he was miserable in her choice. It wasn’t like she relished making it. Shing seemed to take it all in stride. Yuan was as indifferent as ever, talking to his brother and no one else, beyond saying a few sentences in answer to some question.

  It took her a moment, but she realized one of the suitors was missing. Fei Bin. He normally was punctual, not that she could remember much else about him.

 

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