His Curvy Fantasy, page 12
I nodded once, then left his office. And didn’t look back.
13
Really good sex was supposed to alleviate tension. It was supposed to make you feel like you could do anything. I was supposed to… not be with my son’s boss.
I couldn’t face him. Ever. If I could, I would just freaking move. But I had two boys in school, debts to pay, and a job that I actually enjoyed.
Hudson Grant wasn’t going to ruin my life. He wasn’t in my life. And he wasn’t ever going to be.
I hid out the rest of thanksgiving weekend. I worked, and I spent time with my kids and I tried to figure out how I was going to afford to buy them things for Christmas.
Joey and I had a tentative truce, but it was very tentative. He didn’t say anything else about college or SATs or anything. He went to school, went to work, and helped out at home.
Matty could sense things weren’t normal and asked me why I was mad at Joey one night at dinner.
“I’m not mad at him,” I assured both boys.
“It sure seems like it.” Matty was the one who was never afraid to speak his mind. He got that from his father. Thankfully, he didn’t get much else from Nick.
I didn’t know how to answer Matty, but Joey did.
“I told Mom I want to go to college, but college is expensive and Mom doesn’t want me to end up broke when I’m older.”
“Like us?” Matty asked.
“Pretty much, yeah,” Joey said. “We all work together to make our family the best we can be, but Dad fucked us—”
“Joey!” I shouted.
“What?” he glared at me, daring me to contradict him. “It’s true. I know it’s true. Dad didn’t want us. Hell, you probably didn’t either, but you’re not like him.”
“Never say that,” I told my son. Tears filled my eyes. “Never say that. I love you both more than anything in the world. You weren’t a part of my plan when I got pregnant with either of you, but that doesn’t mean I’d change a thing about you. You two have saved me more times than you’ll ever know. I love you.”
“I love you,” they said together.
“As for your father, he…” I couldn’t come up with words to excuse what he did. Or explain it.
“Mom,” Joey said softly.
I looked up at him and saw a boy who was closer to a man than he was to a boy.
“Dad was always a jerk. When he was here, he was mean to you and he ignored us. I know Matty doesn’t remember him, but I do. He wasn’t abusive, but he wasn’t a father. He never cared about any of us, and we’re better off without him.”
I nodded, unable to squeeze any words past the lump in my throat.
“I know you’re worried I’ll end up in debt like you are. I know you’re only in debt because of Dad. It isn’t fair. But debt isn’t all bad.”
“It can be life-changing.”
“So can college,” Joey countered.
I sucked in a breath. That one stung. Not because he was wrong, but because he saw the world so differently than I did.
“I know you’re mad at Hudson and think he’s to blame for this, but it’s not his fault. I asked him about college because I knew you wouldn’t want to hear it.”
“And what did he tell you?”
“That there are scholarships available and student loans and that if I’m smart and pick a school that’s affordable, it can be reasonable to pay for. He said his wife worked through college tutoring other kids and some other people he knew worked for their colleges doing other things. They have programs to help.”
“It’s still expensive,” I said.
Joey nodded, his hair sliding down his face. He brushed it back and met my gaze with an even brown one that matched mine. “I can’t become an engineer without a degree. That’s what I want to do, Mom. I love math and science, and it’s not easy for me, but I want to do it. I really think I can do it.”
Fuck. There it was. The mom guilt. Having a kid who struggled in school meant having a kid who always doubted how damn smart he was. If he had any idea, he wouldn’t look at me with that self-doubt or that fear that I was protecting him from something bigger. Something worse.
I wasn’t. My reluctance to talk about college stemmed from my fears about debt and money and never having enough. I didn’t want to put it on my boys, but it was our reality, and Joey was painfully aware of it. It had been two years since he was caught stealing a purse to try to get money to buy food for Matty. Two years since how bad our situation was slapped me in the face and I knew I had to make changes. I worked harder to spend smart, and Ramsey managed to stop the bleeding as far as Nick being able to add more debt in my name, but Joey was the one who had to open my eyes to how bad things were.
And now he thought I was saying I didn’t want him to go to college because he wasn’t smart enough.
“Joey, you listen to me,” I said firmly. Tears rolled down my cheeks, but I ignored them. “You can do anything. Anything. You are one of the hardest working and smartest people I know. I hate that I ever made you think you couldn’t go to college and dominate. You can. You are an amazing young man, and I couldn’t be more proud to be your mother.”
“I’m not that smart, Mom. I know that.”
I shook my head. “Oh, sweetie, you have no idea. Being smart has nothing to do with being normal. Your brain works in its own way. It’s not the way mine works or Matty’s works, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. We are all different. But you are smart and capable. Much smarter than me. I’m sorry for making you feel like college was out of reach because you aren’t smart enough. That never crossed my mind.”
“Are you sure?”
I cupped his cheeks and lifted his head until his gaze met mine. “Absolutely. I wanted to go to college, but it wasn’t an option for me. Your dad never considered it, and I told myself that was good enough. I told myself that a lot with him.”
“He was never good enough for you, Mom.”
I smiled. “He was good enough to give me the two greatest parts of my life.”
“Well, one. You got the practice kid out of the way, then made perfection,” Matty said.
I snorted and shook my head.
Joey scowled at his brother. “I think Mom was just pushing her luck, trying to get perfect twice. It failed. The original is always better.”
“Why would you try for perfection twice? If something is perfect, you don’t have to duplicate it or improve it. They knew you were a dud.”
“Matty!” I shouted.
He chuckled. Joey jumped out of his chair and wrapped Matty in a headlock. The two of them fell to the floor and wrestled.
I didn’t need any other man in my life. I had the two best ones in town right there in my living room.
As it always did, December flew by. One minute I was sleeping with Hudson in his office, and the next the boys were almost done with school and going to be home for winter break in a few days.
And I had zero Christmas shopping done.
Christmas was always lean for us. When the boys were little, they got things like food and diapers so they had something to open, even though it wasn’t anything fun. I always tried to buy them something fun, but as they grew up, it got harder and harder to find things they liked that were in my budget.
The Friday before Christmas, the last day of school before break, I was off work so I decided to cruise through the local shops and find something for the boys. I was walking down an aisle of Cove Consignments when Goldie turned the corner.
“Hey,” she said, looking just as surprised as I was.
“Hi. How are you?”
“Good. Crazy. Are you shopping for your boys?”
I nodded. “Nothing like waiting until the last minute.”
She laughed. “I’m with you. I think they get harder to shop for as they get older. Paul only wants to play video games and talk to his friends.”
“Joey’s the same.”
Goldie laughed again. “I’m glad I’m not the only one. I’ve missed you at book club.”
My stomach twisted. I kind of felt guilty for not going back, but I also felt awkward hanging out with Finley and her friends. It was sweet of her to invite me, but like everything else she included me in, I knew it was just because she was so nice.
“I don’t know any of them very well,” Goldie confessed. “Laura pushed me to come at first. She works with my little sister. Ally and I are not close at all. We have the same dad, but she’s nine years younger than me. Laura and I clicked, but everyone else I’m still trying to get to know. Slowly. And I’m spewing all of this all over you like a crazy person who has no social skills.”
I laughed with her and shook my head. “I am always that way. The curse of being the oldest one in the room.”
“Right? Oh, my God, so true. I always feel like I’m so old when I’m with all of them. But then I look at their healthy relationships and balanced lives and I know I could take a few notes on how to do better in this decade.”
I snorted. “I haven’t had a good decade in the last few, so I’m all for advice.”
Goldie chuckled. “Okay, so, I’m going to be the weird one with no social skills again and ask if we can shop together. I’m guessing you’re off today?”
“I am. And that would be fun.”
“Phew. I was worried I was going to need to slink away and pretend I wasn’t horribly embarrassed by getting brushed off.”
I shook my head. “Not a chance. I could use a friend.”
“Me, too.”
We smiled and continued shopping. When one of us found something, we showed the other. We were laughing and having fun, and I felt like myself for the first time in far too long.
“What are you guys doing over break?” Goldie asked as we moved from one store to another, coats pulled tight and noses buried in our scarves.
“I’m working. I think Joey is, too. We don’t do much.”
“Does that mean you’re in town? Because you and I should get together. If you think the boys will get along, I’m good with that, too, but we should hang out. Dinner or a drink or something.”
“I’m not sure,” I said, hating that I was going to turn her down because of money.
“Paul goes to his dad’s for some of break. I’ll have my house to myself. How about you come over and we can have dinner? Save me from my loneliness?”
The pleading look on her face was enough to make me think she was being honest and really just wanted to spend time together. We were having fun. And I could go out one night. It would be my Christmas present to myself.
“Okay, sounds good.”
“Oh, yay. I was so worried you thought I was a crazy person.”
“Well, sort of, but in the best way.”
Goldie laughed. “I will definitely take that.”
We spent the rest of the afternoon shopping and I finally found a few small things I thought the boys would enjoy. When we parted ways, I was smiling and happy. It was going to be a good break.
Christmas dawned four days later with very little fanfare in our tiny apartment. I got up early and made pancakes for the boys, a tradition I started when they were in elementary school. I made my coffee and started our movie marathon. We added and removed movies over the years that we liked, but I always started with sappy romantic movies that gave me hope that maybe one day I’d choose a man who didn’t make me want to cry and wish we’d never met.
Hudson popped into my mind, but I pushed that thought away just as soon as it appeared. Hudson was not ever going to be mine.
The boys came out of their room together. Both were wearing sweats and tees with bare feet and bed head. They walked right over to me and curled up on the couch next to me, hugging either side of me.
“Merry Christmas,” they both said.
“Merry Christmas. I love you boys.”
“Love you, Mom,” they said.
We sat there for a while, both of them wrapped around me while the sappy movie played on the screen that was barely big enough to see from across the room. When the movie ended, they shifted, then crawled off the couch and went to the kitchen.
Their muffled voices while they got breakfast made me wonder what they were talking about. Usually it was bickering that made me yell, but they were quiet and not fighting, which was suspicious.
They came back to the couch and curled their feet under them as they sat and watched the movie. By the time that one was over, we were laughing and talking about our favorite Christmas memories.
“I remember when we got those little green men the one year. I loved those,” Joey said.
“I was so mad when you wouldn’t let me play with them,” Matty admitted.
“Yeah, I haven’t always been the best brother.”
Matty shrugged.
“Sorry. I’m trying to get better. We only have each other. Right, Mom?”
I nodded. My boys were good kids. Hudson was right. I’d done a pretty good job.
“I wish I could give you guys more presents, but I hope you like what you got,” I told them when we finally moved toward the pathetic tabletop tree I found in the garbage one year. The lights didn’t work when we got it, and you couldn’t fit more than a gift or two around it, but it was more than we had when we rescued it from the trash.
“You didn’t have to get us anything,” Joey said.
I ruffled his hair and smiled. “Of course I did.”
He opened his gift first and gasped when he saw the SAT Study Guide. I wasn’t sure he would actually like it, but the look in his eyes said he knew it wasn’t just about the book. It was about me accepting his dream and supporting him in whatever he wanted to do.
“Thank you, Mom. I never thought I’d be excited about a test, but thank you.”
I laughed with him. He flipped the book open and scanned a few pages. He scowled at it, then nodded and closed the book.
“This is going to help a lot. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
Matty opened his next. His eyes went wide when he realized it was a game for the device Hudson kept in his desk drawer. “Whoa, really? This is awesome, Mom. Thanks!”
“You’re welcome. I wish I could be home more so you could be here, but as long as you’re at O’Kelley’s and Hudson lets you play the games, I figured it would be good for you to have your own.”
“Hudson doesn’t care. He doesn’t use it. He just got it for me.” Joey elbowed Matty, and he cleared his throat. “I mean, yeah, you’re right. Thanks, Mom.”
I smiled at him and shook my head.
They went through the few things I put in their stockings, then they told me to stay on the couch and that they’d be right back.
Whispers in their bedroom worried me. I wasn’t sure what to expect. When they came back out, they were smiling widely and holding something behind their backs.
“What did you two do?” I asked.
“It’s Christmas. We got you a present,” Joey said.
They stepped apart and brought forward a purple Christmas tree. I laughed. It was adorable. “Where in the world did you find that? It’s beautiful.”
“Hudson helped us. I asked him if he knew where we could get one like this. I saw you looking at it one day at that store you like to walk through by Cove Bakery,” Joey said.
I walked forward and touched the purple pine needles. It sparkled, just like the tree in the window of Island Designs. Maybe it was tacky, but I thought it was gorgeous.
“It even lights up, Mom,” Matty said proudly. “We made sure.”
“Thank you, boys, but you didn’t have to do this. Where did you get the money?”
“Hudson gave everyone bonuses. He said it’s extra money to say thank you for all the hard work we’ve done this year. I used a little bit to buy you this tree because we knew it would make you happy. The rest you can use to pay off more debt.”
“You didn’t have to spend your money on me,” I said.
Joey laughed. “Yeah, Mom, I did. Because I love you. We both do. We’d do anything for each other because that’s what family does.”
I nodded and hugged my boys. “Yes, it is. And I have the best family around.”
“Yep, you do,” Matty said.
I laughed. And kissed their cheeks. Then we all went back to the couch and watched another movie while I watched my beautiful purple sparkly tree.
It was a perfect day.
14
HereByForce: How was your Christmas? Did your kids have fun?
I smiled at the message. I couldn’t remember the last time I had so much hope for my future. Between my new friendship with Goldie and dipping my toe back into a world that involved the opposite sex, I was feeling good.
MyFriendsMadeMeDoThis: They had a really good Christmas. And they surprised me with a gift that I love.
HBF: They sound like good kids.
MFMMDT: They’re the best. How was your Christmas?
HBF: Good. Spent time with friends and worked. Pretty typical for me.
MFMMDT: Work is how we pay the bills. Do you enjoy your job?
I was starting to like him. After almost two months of talking online, we’d definitely built a friendship. Most men would have wanted sex by this point, but this guy hadn’t even asked if we could meet. It was like he understood how hard it was to start something new.
HBF: I love my job. And the people I work with. The hours aren’t always great, but I really can’t complain. How about you?
MFMMDT: My hours are good, and I enjoy what I do. I’m not sure how long it’ll last, though.
I hadn’t told anyone else that truth. Finley said she wasn’t planning to let me go, but I understood how business worked. If she didn’t make money, she had to cut costs. And winters in MacKellar Cove were tough. She reduced store hours since there wasn’t as much foot traffic, which reduced my income, but even the hours we were open felt too much at times.
HBF: What makes you say that?
MFMMDT: You know how it is around here. It’s quiet. I’m not sure my boss will be able to afford to pay for me year round after this year.
