If I Can't Have You, page 14
part #1 of If I Can't Have You Series
Not my problem.
What I was 100 percent clear on, she could move if she didn’t want to be my neighbor, but she was not getting ownership of the house Raynard had bought and deeded to me. I’d decided to distance myself from Madison for a while. Stay out of her business completely; and as much as I hated it, that included conversations with Chicago.
Finally I had an opportunity to wear one of my dresses that had the price tag on it. I scanned my wardrobe. Chocolate was too boring. White was flat. I couldn’t go wrong with black, but I wasn’t feeling that. Was a bustier over the top for a first date? Lime, tangerine, pink, purple, gold . . . no.
I tried on a dark green, sleeveless dress that stopped above my knees. If I added a pair of pearls, my attire would be appropriate for a White House tea party. The one color I avoided ended up being my selection. The little red dress was perfect with my raspberry lip gloss. No ponytail tonight, I let down my hair.
“Mommy, you look pretty. Where are you going?” Raynell asked.
Not sure, I told her, “Mommy has a date, princess.”
“With Daddy? That’s why you’re happy? Can I go?”
I smiled, then shook my head. “Not this time, and it’s not with your dad.”
“Am I going to T-Tisha’s or Godmommy’s?”
“No, your dad is on his way to pick you up.”
Raynell’s eyes beamed. She fell backward onto the dozens of pillows on my king-size bed. “Don’t forget, we’re going to be a family one day,” she sang.
Had my little girl made that up? Or was there still a chance?
It was time for me to move on. Making sure I was hot, sexy, and in a good mood, I sipped my lemon drop martini. I hadn’t felt desirable in years. Granville definitely did not make me feel like a woman.
If only for one night, I had an incentive tonight to let go of my marital hopes with Raynard and start focusing on a new man. Shaking my head, I reminded myself to enjoy my date, not to think about Raynard, and to speak my mind the way Madison does. I wasn’t trying to impress Chaz, but I didn’t want him to think I was desperate.
My pussy twitched in protest. We are desperate. We need a dick. A real one that’s attached to a man with a pulse.
I quietly told her, “We have plenty of dicks on the top shelf in the closet.”
I had a solid six more years before I’d have to find another hiding place for my sex toys so Raynell wouldn’t find them. Hopefully, by then, I’d have a husband and wouldn’t have to pleasure myself.
Raynell leapt from the bed. “Mommy, the doorbell!”
“What did I tell you?” I reminded her as I followed her downstairs.
Raynell stepped aside. I fluffed my hair, then opened the door, ready for whichever man was on the other side.
“Hey, Loretta. You look nice.”
“Go to your room, Raynell, and don’t come out until I come to get you.”
“Okay, Mommy.”
I waited until she was upstairs; then I clenched my teeth. “You bastard.”
“That seems to be the word of the day,” he said, with that same stupid grin on his face.
“What the hell are you doing here? Leave now, and don’t you ever come back here.”
“Okay. I just came to tell you, you lost a good man. It’s over between us. Thought you may have wanted closure,” Granville said. “You women like that kind of stuff, don’t cha?”
Thank God, Chaz had pulled into the driveway and parked.
“Hey, come on in!” I called out.
Granville glanced over his shoulder and then looked at me.
“Oh, you got someone too? Well, Madison and I consummated our relationship. We had sex, and Madison is my woman now,” he said in that disgusting, scratchy voice.
“What was that?” Chaz asked. “Whose name did he say?” Chaz extended his hand to Granville. “I’m Chaz, and you are?”
“Leaving,” I said, guiding Chaz inside, then slamming the door in Granville’s face.
“That was rude,” Chaz said.
“No, that was appropriate. End of that conversation.”
I didn’t want to alarm my date that I had a psycho standing outside my door. That was the last time I’d suggest a girlfriend of mine should have sex with any of my exes. That fool could screw up my first opportunity in years to date a real man and sabotage Madison’s engagement at the same time. We had to get rid of him.
“My daughter’s father should be here in a minute. Would you like a lemon drop martini or something else?”
“I’m good until we get to the restaurant,” he said, staring around my living room. “You have excellent taste. My brother does too. Y’all have the same type of artwork.”
“Same artist,” I said.
The doorbell rang and I prayed that that idiot wasn’t on the other side. This time I peeped through the hole, then opened the door. A sigh of relief escaped my lips.
“Come in. I’ll go get Raynell.”
Raynard stood close to the door. His eyes traveled from my head to my feet and back to my face.
“You look nice,” he said, then looked at Chaz.
I made a point to acknowledge Chaz first. “Chaz, this is Raynard. Raynard, this is Chaz.”
Extending his hand, Chaz said, “Pleased to meet you, man.”
That was my cue to exit quickly. I darted to my altar and said a silent prayer. Thank you, Jesus. Let Chaz be the one. And if he’s not the one, let him stay with me for a while. Don’t let him be crazy, or a womanizer, or disrespectful, or judgmental, because I need to hold that man in my arms tonight. And, Lord, no matter what Raynard is feeling, don’t put my heart in the middle of two men. Amen.
I went to Raynell’s room. She wasn’t there. I went to the living room. Raynell, Raynard, and Chaz were gone. My heart dropped. What had happened? Tears of confusion swelled, blurring my vision.
Lord, I guess you know best, but I’d like an explanation.
“You ready?”
I screamed.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. I had to use the restroom. Raynard and Raynell left. You okay?” Chaz asked.
I opened my front door. Raynard’s SUV was gone. I didn’t like that he’d taken our daughter without letting her say good-bye to me. I smiled at Chaz. “I’m good. Let’s go.”
After he closed my car door, he got in on the driver’s side of his black-on-black luxury sedan.
“Will Raynell be back in time for the game tomorrow?” Chaz asked.
“I forgot to tell Raynard. I’ll text him.”
Chaz is taking us to the game tomorrow. He invited us to his brother’s suite. His brother is Chicago DuBois. Raynell needs to be back by noon.
Raynard replied, Damn! Does that we include me and my son?
Afraid not, I texted back. I should’ve made a snide remark about Gloria. It wasn’t necessary. He had who he wanted.
Okay. BTW, you looked beautiful.
Noon, Raynard.
He replied, OK.
“She’ll be back in time.” I wanted to ask if Tisha could bring her two boys and her husband, but I decided to wait. Didn’t want to impose.
“Are you still involved with Raynard?”
“No. I’m not.”
“But you want him.”
“I want to have a great evening with you and not discuss my past relationships. I’m completely single, with no attachments. Not by choice. Like I told Chicago, it’s hard to find a good man, but I haven’t given up hope.”
Damn, I wasn’t supposed to mention that last part out loud. Now he was going to think I was talking about him.
“I feel the same way about women,” he said.
I laughed. Why was I being guarded?
“What’s funny?”
“Men and women always say the same things we just said. But when those people meet, they start off good, but sooner or later they can’t stand each other.”
He laughed. “You’re right.”
Chaz had a different kind of swag from Chicago. He was more laid-back. He nodded, then pulled into the parking lot at Pappadeaux Seafood Kitchen. When he opened my door, I couldn’t help but notice his basic black square-toed shoes were spotless.
“I love this place. At first, I was thinking you were going to take me to a fancy restaurant with snails on the menu.”
Madison bragged about the five-star restaurants that Chicago had taken her to over the years. I figured his brother liked the same. I couldn’t wait to wrap my lips around a Swampthing now and Chaz’s thing later. My pussy was puckering out of control.
“They’ve got something better than escargot,” he said. “As a matter of fact, since you don’t seem to be open to new things, you’re trying alligator tonight.”
WWMD? What would Madison do? She wouldn’t go out on a second date with a man who took her to Pappadeaux on their first. She’d brag about how many countries she’d eaten escargot in and where to find the best.
I recalled a Facebook post Mary HoneyB Morrison put on her fan page: Have you ever dated or married someone you had sex with on the first date? The question had a resounding “yes” from over 90 percent of the responses. People proudly commented on how they’d been married, some for decades; and others said they were engaged to partners they gave it up to on the first date.
She made me rethink the significance of holding out. Being a Christian, I should say I’d wait until marriage, but my reality was I already had a baby and no husband.
“I’ll taste the alligator,” I told Chaz.
But that wasn’t all I was going to eat tonight.
CHAPTER 18
Loretta
Sitting across the table from Chaz, I told myself, Listen more. Talk less.
He didn’t have much to say, once we were seated. Wish I were telepathic so I could read his mind. I began to wonder if he had finally had an opportunity to see me and saw what Raynard had seen and was having a change of heart. I didn’t want Chaz going through the motions while watching minutes tick away.
Not sure if we’d be at the restaurant long enough to eat. I wondered if I should drink this frozen Swampthing sitting in front of me or send it back? He’d ordered cognac straight. What if he loosened up after he indulged in alcohol and the liquor spoke for him?
Loretta, relax. Don’t ruin a potentially good date unfolding the what-ifs in your head. Drink the damn drink.
“So how old are you?” I asked to break the silence.
The crimson collared pullover with three buttons—the bottom two fastened—complemented his light brown complexion. His black-rimmed, rectangular-shaped glasses gave him a distinguished flair. Chaz appeared two inches shorter than Chicago, which would put him at an even six feet. My three-inch heels made me two inches shorter.
“How old do you think I am?”
I smiled, knowing he was younger than I, but I didn’t want to guess.
“What do you do for a living?”
“Breathe,” he said.
Giving up, I laughed this time, but I offered no information about myself. The awkwardness quickly returned. I sipped my cocktail, gazed around. It was half full in the dining area, but the bar section was standing room only. If this didn’t work out with Chaz, I wouldn’t be discouraged. I’d start getting out and socializing more often.
Who would I hang out with? Tisha had slowed down since she married Darryl. My other friend wasn’t speaking to me. I didn’t want my coworkers in my business, and I wasn’t the type to go to a bar alone.
“What’s up with your girl Madison?” he asked.
I frowned. “What?”
“Is she legit? Should my brother Chicago marry her?”
“Back up off of me with that. If your reason for being out with me is to drill me about Madison, you can take me home now. I thought you were interested in me.”
“And you’re the one who asked my brother to ask me to take you out? Interesting.” Chaz motioned for the waiter.
My heart sank. Another reminder that I wasn’t Madison. She would’ve hand-fed him a sarcastic reply. Why was I protecting her? What was in it for me? Why couldn’t I have said, “She’s more interested in Chicago’s money than Chicago. Engagements are a game to her. Tell Chicago not to marry her.” That would’ve been the truth.
Gesturing toward me, he said, “Please take the lady’s order.”
“Are you eating?” I asked.
He nodded.
“As an appetizer we’d like to have a medium-crispy-fried alligator.”
“All right. So you are adventurous.”
He was clueless that I’d tried alligator before. Escargot too. Both were good. I continued, “And I’ll have the lobster and shrimp salad as my entrée.” The appetizer was $9.95 and the salad was $17.95. I also wanted the Chilean sea bass, but that was almost thirty-three dollars—the most expensive item I saw. I couldn’t imagine running up a seventy-five-dollar tab by myself.
“Anything else?” Chaz asked.
“That’s all for me.” I didn’t want to take advantage of ordering up just because I assumed he could afford it.
“You’re sure?”
“Positive,” I said.
“I’ll have the oyster duo, boudin Cajun sausage, a cup of andouille sausage and seafood gumbo, and for my entrée I’ll have the Chilean sea bass. Extra lemon for the oysters. Bring the appetizers out one at a time so we can enjoy them while they’re hot. Thanks.”
HoneyB should have a “dating dos and don’ts” application for the cell phone so women like me who aren’t comfortable or accustomed to dating men with money wouldn’t deny themselves something as simple as a hot meal. Maybe that was the difference between Gloria and me. I didn’t care how much money Raynard earned. When we were together, I respected his wallet. Truth was, while we were dating, I worried about what Raynard would think of me if I started spending his money. Some men didn’t mind doing, as long as a woman didn’t ask. Maybe he’d bought me the house because I hadn’t asked him for anything. But if a woman didn’t ask, he might not get her a basic mani and pedi.
“Why, Loretta?”
“Why what?”
“Why didn’t you order everything you wanted?”
Right now, this Swampthing was my friend. I wrapped my lips around the straw and sucked a long time. Exhaling, I said, “I did.”
“You know, the one thing I can’t stand is a liar. If you ever lie to me again, I don’t want to see you again. If you’ll lie about something as simple as this, you’ll lie about anything—including what’s up with your girl Madison.”
I felt small, embarrassed, and disgusted. I also began to believe none of this was about me. I hadn’t thought of my answer as a lie; but in a way he was right.
“I apologize.”
“You apologize for mistakes like stepping on someone’s foot. Make this your last time apologizing to me for your not being honest. Liars apologize because they’re not keeping it one hundred with themselves, or they get caught being dishonest. Regardless of why a person lies, it’s premeditated and intentional. I don’t have time to waste listening to a liar try to justify why she chose to fuck up. When you’re authentic and original, you never have to say you’re sorry. You’re a Christian. You should know this. I don’t know how Chicago considers you his prayer partner.”
Power to the people! Shoot ’em in the head with words execution-style, if you have to. Chaz had the take-no-prisoners spirit of a Black Panther. His truth hurt so bad that all I could say was “You can take me home now.”
“I can do that. And you can keep wondering why you don’t have a man or a husband. Happy with what you’re getting, keep doing what you’re doing.”
What was I doing?
“Or,” he added, “we can grow past your revelation and enjoy the rest of our evening. I don’t know about you, but the dessert I want to taste is not on this menu.”
Chaz gave me a quick wink, then smiled.
I sighed, laughed, then exhaled. “And why aren’t you married, if you’re such a great catch?”
“Because I’m thirty-one and I develop software applications for the iPhone. I’m sure I’m going to say something else to annoy or piss you off, so we can leave anytime you’re ready. Third time is a charm. Just let me know.”
CHAPTER 19
Loretta
Wow. One date with a secure, self-made millionaire and I felt richer than him. Chaz gave new meaning to the saying “Common sense isn’t all that common.”
Chaz parked in my driveway, turned off his car, opened the door, and escorted me to mine. As obnoxious as he was at times, I oddly enjoyed his company and didn’t want our date to end with a good-night kiss on my cheek. Didn’t want to appear easy, desperate, or anxious, but my pussy was trembling with anticipation of feeling his head enter my vaginal canal. I craved that fine-ass black man. I wanted a head that was connected to a warm body and not a mechanical device in my bed tonight.
Slowly I put the key in the lock. “Would you like to come?” I asked him.
He smiled. “Would you like for me to come . . . inside?” he asked, placing the emphasis on “inside.”
Suddenly my face became flushed with embarrassment. I hadn’t said what I’d intended, but I said exactly what was on my mind. After our conversation at dinner, I wasn’t going to end our date with a lie.
Confidently I said, “Yes. And yes.” Then I entered my house. He pressed a button on his remote, locked his sedan, and closed my door.
“Thanks for inviting me in. I was hoping that you would. I wasn’t ready for our date to end either,” he said, sitting in the purple chair. “I see you don’t have a television in your living room. Is there one in your bedroom?”
I couldn’t pretend I was offended, quote him the Bible, and tell him I was Christian, or refuse to take him upstairs. Tonight I was willing to live a little and take a risk.
I could get used to a man being direct. “Never ask of me or expect me to give you more than you’re willing to give me,” I said, realizing I could fall hard for Chaz.
