El & Em, page 31
They flew to Europe and settled in for a series of shows in Paris to start. For this part of the tour, they would set up camp in one hotel for a week or so, with hired drivers taking them back and forth to the concert venue, then fly to the next location and set up again.
From the first day, Emmett noticed something different about Luke. He was more subdued and withdrawn, which Emmett put down to the difficulty of leaving his family behind for a couple of months. But at the same time, Luke seemed to seek out Emmett's company more often and be extra attentive to him. There were no bus rides in Europe, and Emmett kept Mary-Ann beside him whenever they were in cars or planes, but Luke would frequently join him during meals, and before or after shows. More than once Emmett caught Luke watching him with an expression he couldn't quite place, somewhere between meditative and searching, as though trying to read something in his face.
“Denise not joining us this time?” Luke asked on one of their first mornings at the Paris hotel.
“No, not for this part.” Emmett made room for Luke at his breakfast table, a bit puzzled to see him up so early.
“Everything still...good with her?”
“Sure.” Emmett shrugged. Mary-Ann was still asleep in their hotel room; Emmett usually left once Sarah, the caregiver, arrived in the morning.
“I guess Mary-Ann likes Denise.”
“Yeah.”
Luke nodded and added a bit awkwardly, “You...you haven't been involved with anyone else since Angela left?”
“Not really.” Emmett felt a strangely familiar flicker, something that reminded him of old days. “Me and Denise, we just started out as friends but...you know how it goes.”
“Sure I do.”
And then Luke lapsed into silence, and Emmett had to force him into conversation about the upcoming shows.
In truth, without Denise or Laura around to inhibit him, Emmett found it increasingly difficult not to spend most of his time thinking about Luke. Between their onstage antics and Luke's offstage interest they seemed to be slipping into their old patterns and naturally gravitating to each other again, which was a relief to Emmett, who had never really wanted to dwell on how much he missed Luke's company.
But at night, alone in his hotel room – on concert nights Mary-Ann slept in Sarah's room so that neither of them had to wait up for him – Emmett knew it wasn't only Luke's friendship he missed. The more they resumed old habits, the more of the old intimacies Emmett remembered. Some nights, especially after a show, when all he could remember was the warm weight of Luke in his arms or leaning against his chest, Emmett would give up trying to sleep and wander downstairs to the hotel lobby where a few fans would inevitably be waiting. More and more often now, when he struck up a conversation and eventually led the way up to his room, it would be with a young man rather than a woman.
The new band lineup took some getting used to for Emmett, but Luke seemed to enjoy having Emmett on one side of him and Robbie on the other, in Laura's old spot. Robbie was cautious at first and didn't take liberties – he'd wait for Luke's signals before joining him up front for solos or moving away from his assigned spot, but when he did, he brought a cool, confident energy to the stage.
“He reminds me of you when you were his age,” Luke said to Emmett, in the back seat of the car driving them away from a show.
“You didn't even know me at his age,” Emmett said, laughing. “I was thirty when we met.”
“Twenty years ago.” Luke half-smiled, and laid his head on Emmett's shoulder. “You know this year is our twentieth anniversary.”
Emmett actually had realized that at some point during the tour. “The best twenty years of my life,” he said.
He heard Luke take in his breath. “Even with...everything that happened? You mean that?”
“A hundred per cent.”
From Paris they moved on to London, and settled into the same routine. The band played four shows there – all of them sold out, with huge and enthusiastic crowds. On the last night, during their pre-concert huddle, Luke gave the band an additional instruction.
“Don't leave after the last song, okay guys? We can do the line up and bow, but then just hang tight behind me. I'm going to try out something new.”
As they headed to their stations, Emmett shot questioning glances at Gordie, Leo and Pete but they all looked just as mystified as him. That night they played for a raucous and exuberant crowd that fired up the band's intensity and resulted in one of the most powerful concerts of the tour. As always, Emmett and Luke joined forces to lead the crowd and channel its passion to drive the show. By the end of the night Emmett was exhausted and barely able to keep up with Luke, who, as always, thrived on this kind of energy.
He'd almost forgotten Luke's instructions when they all lined up at the front of the stage after the final encore, Emmett's hand clasped with Luke's and raised in the air, until Luke let go, whispered, “Hold on guys!” and stepped back up to the mic.
“Thank you again, London,” Luke said. “I just got one more thing to do here...” He paused and waited for the crowd, now on their feet, to settle back down. Then he nodded at Robbie, who, to Emmett's surprise, stepped forward on the dark stage beside the spotlight illuminating Luke, carrying his tenor sax.
“First of all, I want to thank the B-Sides for having my back for so many years.” Luke stepped aside, and the pool of light moved back to showcase Emmett, Gordon, Pete and Leo as they stood behind him. “And in particular...” Luke walked over to pick up Emmett's hand. “This man, who it's been my honour to stand beside for the past twenty years.”
Emmett blinked in surprise, as Luke turned around to grab his acoustic guitar from Mark. He let go of Emmett's hand and moved back to the mic, strapping on his guitar. “So tonight I want to try out a new song for you. It's called ‘Virginia Man’. Because it's taken me twenty years to figure out that sometimes things look different to a Philly boy and a Virginia man.”
He played a slow harmonic chord progression, repeated it once, and began singing quietly.
Truth is in the telling
Or maybe it's not
Truth is in the seeing
Maybe it's not
Truth is in the mouth
That does the telling
Or maybe it's in the eyes
That do the seeing
Don't the world look different
To a Virginia man
After the first chorus Luke turned his head away from the microphone, and out of the darkness came a low, melancholy refrain from Robbie's sax as he walked slowly over to Luke's spotlight.
Don't the world look different
To a Virginia man
As he neared the end of the song, Luke picked up his mic and carried it with him to position himself back at Emmett's side. Robbie followed, his slow sweet sax notes echoing the final vocal lines and then fading out.
After a second of silence, when applause filled the air, Luke lowered his mic and reached for Emmett's hand again. But Emmett shook his head, in tears. He hadn't cried since he was a child – not when his kids were born, not when Clarissa left him, not when Luke fired him. Tonight, he couldn't stop the flow and didn't try, but he wouldn't let Luke lift his hand – as though he were in some way equally responsible for this moment of grace. He could only gesture at Luke, bow his head, and lay his hand over his heart.
Luke gave a last wave at the crowd, the lights went off, and Emmett reached over to pull Robbie into a tight bear hug as they walked off together.
Backstage was in the usual chaos, but Luke was waiting, as always on this tour, to thank each of the band members individually. Emmett, his vision still blurred, waited with Robbie till the others were done. Luke gave Robbie a hug and spoke a few words in his ear. And then he was in Emmett's arms.
They stood wrapped together, not speaking and not moving, until Jerry's voice cut through the cacophony. “Luke! Press call, wrap-up interviews, they're waiting in the greenroom, let's go!”
Emmett smiled shakily and let Luke go with a last small squeeze, then found his way over to the waiting cars and rode back to the hotel alone.
Chapter 29
An hour or so later, Emmett made himself a drink and slowly went over to sit on the sofa in his hotel suite. He'd already showered, changed into his pajamas and robe, made a phone call and checked in with Diane, but he wasn't ready to sleep yet. He still felt faintly teary, and couldn't stop thinking of Luke's new song. Hearing it had felt, for the first time, like a validation of his actions – as though there might be a reason why he saw things so differently from Luke. As though, perhaps, he hadn't just failed Luke at the critical moment.
There was a knock at the door. Somehow Emmett wasn't surprised. “It's open,” he said.
When Luke came in, Emmett realized he'd been half-expecting this all night. It seemed like they had some unfinished business. He didn't get up, just looked up from where he sat on the couch.
Luke wore his usual post-concert outfit – clean jeans, a t-shirt, bare feet – just like he used to, all those nights on earlier tours – so many nights – when he'd call Emmett to ask if he could come over, then slide to his knees inside the door and wait with that air of stillness and tranquility. Emmett shut his eyes at the memory, and when he opened them again he saw Luke watching him, focused and intent, but with a familiar softening in the lines around his eyes.
“Were you waiting for me, Em?”
“Not...exactly,” Emmett said guardedly. He stayed motionless, as Luke crossed the room to the small sitting area. There was an armchair beside the sofa but Luke didn't take it.
“Where's Mary-Ann?” he asked, glancing around at the beds.
“She sleeps over at Sarah's when I'm playing.”
For a moment Luke remained standing, while Emmett looked up at him, and then he slowly lowered himself to his knees in front of Emmett.
“Listen,” he said, gripping both of Emmett's hands in his own. “I might have no business saying this, but ...” He seemed to gather himself, then fixed his hazel eyes on Emmett’s in a long, steady look. “But we just got to find a way. We have got to be together, we just have to. I know you feel it too.”
Emmett had allowed his hands to be held, but now he jerked them away. “What are you saying?”
“I know it's not that simple, I don't expect you to take me right back, but...” Luke's open palms settled on Emmett’s thighs. “But we have to find a way to make it work. To be together. You see it too, don't you?”
“Luke, you can't – ” Emmett moved away from him awkwardly on the sofa. “You can't do this to Laura.”
“Oh.” A small breath of laughter came from Luke, as he dropped back onto his haunches. “I forgot you don't know.” His face turned solemn again. “She fell in love with her piano player, and this time he loves her back. So she's leaving me. We’re splitting up.”
“What?” Emmett stopped moving, with his widening eyes fixed on Luke’s. “Are you...really?”
“Yes. For real. She's way happier with him than she was with me. We're announcing at the end of the tour.”
Emmett couldn't tear himself away from Luke's earnest gaze. Around him, the world fell into a million pieces, and slowly fitted itself back together again into a new and infinitely better one. “So – so...what does that mean? You're a free man?”
“Free as I can be when someone owns my heart.” Luke gave a small smile, and reached tentatively for Emmett's hands again. “So can we...”
Emmett couldn't hear anything else. Luke's upturned face felt delicate in his cupped hands, and his words trailed away, hanging in the momentary hush. Then Emmett leaned down to cover Luke's mouth with his own. Luke seemed to stop breathing, and his mouth parted slightly, but he didn't move until Emmett's hands ran through his hair to the back of his neck and down his back, lifting him up. As if by instinct, Luke looped his arms around Emmett's neck, and in another moment Emmett was on his feet with Luke cradled in his arms.
By now Luke was kissing him back and Emmett wanted that to last forever, but he wasn't as young as he used to be. He took a few steps over to the nearest bed and bent over to set Luke down, their mouths still pressed together. Luke kept his arms around Emmett’s neck, holding him place, until he seemed to realize what he was doing and let go abruptly.
Emmett straightened and looked at Luke, now lying motionless on the bed, staring up at him with glistening eyes and a slightly open mouth.
“This is what you want?” Emmett asked. “I'm – allowed to do this now?”
The warm lines in the corners of Luke's eyes grew deeper. “Anything you want.” He tugged Emmett closer, and Emmett dropped onto the bed and started to gather Luke back into his arms.
“But hold on, hold on,” Luke said, scrambling up to a sitting position and facing Emmett. “Just let me – let me say one thing first.”
Did they have to keep talking so much? Emmett didn’t want to let go so he kept his hands on Luke’s hips, but leaned back a little to give him space. “Okay.”
“I want to tell you...” Luke took a long breath and squeezed Emmett's thigh. “I know things are complicated. You got your own life and your own stuff going on, and – and your own way of seeing the world. I want to be with you however I can – whatever way it works for you. I got no conditions. If you don't want to be public – if I have to share you – it's okay. I'll live with whatever works for you.”
At first Emmett didn't understand where this was coming from; their old struggles seemed so alien and far-away to him now. But as Luke finished his little speech, Emmett realized and rushed to explain.
“Luke. I broke up with Denise before you came over.”
“What? You did?”
“Yeah. I mean, I didn't know about you and Laura, I just knew I couldn't go through that again. I only ever thought I could marry her because you guys seemed happy together and I figured if you could do it, I could too. But tonight I knew I couldn’t. I just couldn't stand being in love with you and married to someone else, again. Even if you were.”
“Em – ” Luke leaned forward, burying his face in Emmett’s chest.
“And you know what else...” Emmett went on, wrapping Luke in his arms and tucking his chin on Luke’s shoulder. “I don't mind if you want to go public. I mean, it's your career – you already showed me you can throw it all away and rebuild it if you want. If you don't care, why should I?”
Luke pulled back, grasping Emmett's forearms. “No, it's your career too. Even more now – you got your own business and your own band – ”
“Yeah.” Emmett couldn't help smiling as he thought about it. “It's funny, but now I see things like you do. Times have changed. I’ve changed. I mean, I might lose some business – maybe even a lot of business – but I won't lose it all. There's always gonna be some people who like my work and don't care about the rest. They'll stick with me, and that's good enough for me. Maybe it'll be tough for a while – I might even have to lean on you a little, if you don't mind helping me out – ”
“Anytime,” Luke breathed.
“But it's just like you said. We'll figure out a way to make it work. We have to.” He tugged Luke closer and kissed him again. This time Luke responded fervently, holding Emmett's face in both hands and pressing back with growing urgency. When Emmett slid his hands under Luke's t-shirt, Luke paused for breath and reached for the buttons on Emmett's pajama top.
“Can I get you out of these now? Please?” he whispered.
“You first.” Emmett pulled Luke's shirt over his head, then unbuttoned his jeans and started to push them down. Luke kicked everything off impatiently and once he was fully stripped, Emmett leaned back against the headboard so Luke could get started on him.
“Hey Luke,” Emmett said, running his fingers down the line of Luke's spine. “Would you mind if I just held you tonight? I think I want to just ... feel you against me all night.”
“Anything you want.”
In the morning Luke woke up smiling, but when he stretched an arm out and didn't connect with anything his eyes opened in alarm.
“I'm right over here,” Emmett said. He stood beside the sofa, holding the phone in one hand. “Just getting Diane to clear everything so I don't have to be anywhere today. And I asked Sarah to hold on to Mary-Ann for the morning.”
“I should've remembered, you're always up before me.”
Emmett came over to the bed, carrying the phone. “You want to call Janie? Our flight's not till late afternoon, so we can hang out here a while if you want...?”
Luke pulled Emmett back onto the bed and kissed him, then took the phone and rested his head on Emmett's thigh to call Janie. When that was done Emmett moved the phone away and looked down at him, stroking the hair off his face.
“Wanna fool around?” Emmett said. “I'm not too old, you know – it was just so much to take in last night.”
“Yes please.” Luke laughed. “But I didn't bring anything with me, I wasn't that confident when I came over yesterday.”
“I got some.” Emmett produced a bottle of lube from the bedside table. He saw Luke's surprise and explained, “I've, uh...had a few guys up.”
“Oh yeah? How come? You never used to pick up men...”
“You know why. I missed you too much.”
Luke sat up, smiling, and kissed Emmett's arm. “I bet none of those guys suck your dick like your boy does though.” He took the small bottle and turned it around in his hands for a moment, then put it down on the table behind him. “Y'know I ain't done this in seven years. Maybe we should take it slow for now.”
“We got lots of time to get you ready again,” Emmett agreed.
“The rest of our lives.”
They spent the morning getting each other off, taking turns and then recovering in each other's arms, laughing at how much longer things took now, and reminding themselves of everything they used to enjoy. It was noon by the time they started to notice how hungry they were. Emmett ordered omelettes and coffee, and Luke retreated to the bathroom when room service arrived.
