El & Em, page 21
“Whatever. Just...don't let it happen again. And if I ever hear about you telling anyone this – ”
“Never, I swear.”
“All right.” Emmett glanced at the table where José had been sitting. Despite his words, he didn't exactly want to share a meal with the man. “Guess you already ate?”
“Oh – yeah. I'm just leaving.” José threw his arms around Emmett with relief, and Emmett suddenly wondered if he'd been up all night worrying. Then he wondered if Luke had. Perhaps all three of them had lain awake in the dark for hours in their separate rooms, each of them haunted by slightly different versions of the same thing.
After breakfast Emmett went back to the gym for another long workout, the best way he could think of to burn off what remained of his resentment and pain. He took some pride in having managed so far without any recourse to violence; all the years of touring had surely taught him to manage his temper. But the confused bitterness he felt when he thought about Luke remained.
The band had a show that night, and Emmett was glad for the distraction of getting ready. His day was booked up with the usual pre-show activities – consultations with his stylist, instrument techs and manager before heading to the venue for sound check, dinner, hair and wardrobe. He was still in his hotel room, meeting with the stylist, when Diane answered a knock at the door and Luke came in.
“Hey, Em, you got a minute?”
“Not really.” Emmett kept his voice cool and didn’t look in Luke’s direction. “I'm – ”
“It's about the show.”
That was a different story; Luke was still his employer. Emmett frowned and excused himself. The suite was full of people so he followed Luke out to the hall.
“What's up?” he asked stonily.
Luke shut the door carefully behind them and glanced up and down the hall to make sure they were alone. “Thanks, Em,” he said, still trying to sound genial. “I tried to check in this mornin’ but I guess you were sleeping. Anyways, José told me you talked to him this morning and everything's okay.”
“I wouldn't say that.”
“I mean, you ain't – ”
“Do you actually need to talk to me about the show?”
Luke lost the bright, eager look he'd been sporting and slumped against the wall. “No. I just needed to see you.”
Another lie. Emmett reached for the door handle. “Then I'm going back in.”
“Wait – ”
Emmett looked down at Luke's hand on his forearm, and then up at Luke's face.
“Can't we talk? Please?” Luke asked.
“Not yet.” He pulled his arm away and went back into the suite.
That night, for the first time in ten years, Emmett played on stage and wished he didn't have to interact with Luke. He did, of course – they both performed with their usual gusto, striking all the classic poses and hamming it up together in between – but his heart wasn't in it; and though even the keenest front row fan couldn't have detected it, he felt Luke's constraint as well.
And so it went on for the next two days. Every morning Emmett woke up, remembered what happened, and checked in on his feelings to see if he could manage the talk he knew they had to have eventually. But every morning he was out or instructed Diane to say he was unavailable when Luke phoned.
On the third day Emmett got a call from Angela, one of his regular dates. He liked Angela and found her very compatible with his requirements; she was smart, fun, foxy, and not at all interested in a relationship with him – she was interested in her own career as a model or dancer. He often took her to events or parties with him, where she could meet people and make connections in the entertainment industry. There was no expectation of exclusivity on either side, though she didn't know about his involvement with Luke, and Emmett was careful to sleep with her just often enough to avoid raising speculation about his interest in women.
But today, when she suggested they attend an industry dinner together and hinted at a rewarding after-party in his hotel room, he declined. Though he'd never considered his arrangement with Angela to be a betrayal of Luke – on the contrary, the whole point of it was to protect him – it somehow felt wrong just now; a kind of hypocrisy.
On the fourth day, after lunch, he found an envelope slipped under his hotel room door – sealed, with his name on the outside in Luke's handwriting. He picked it up before Diane saw it. Inside was a folded sheet of notepaper with a few scrawled words: I know your mad but don't punish me for too long. Your boy needs you. L
Something shifted inside Emmett as he read the words. Of course Luke needed him. Of course he couldn't be left alone too long. Emmett's job was to keep him safe; being angry was a luxury for people who didn't have that kind of responsibility.
It was an off day, with no travel or performance scheduled. Emmett went to the phone in the suite’s living area, called Luke's room, and left a message that he'd be in his hotel room all afternoon, if Luke wanted to drop by. Then he settled back to wait.
Chapter 20
The knock came about thirty minutes later, just after Emmett had made himself a drink from the bar fridge and sat back down again. Diane answered the door and, seeing Luke, waved a good-bye and went out, with her usual discretion.
Luke checked that the door locked behind her and glanced around to confirm they were alone in the suite, which, for once, they were. When he was sure, he came over to Emmett and started to lower himself to his knees, but Emmett caught his arm.
“No. Go sit over there.” He nodded toward an armchair across from the couch, and Luke moved to it reluctantly.
“Thanks for letting me come over, Em.” Luke leaned forward in the chair, hands clenching his thighs. “I been wanting to tell you I'm sorry.”
“For what?” Emmett asked curiously. He felt strangely detached right now, like he was taking a purely clinical interest in what Luke had to say.
“For sleeping with José. And – for lyin' to him. I mean, I knew damn well you wouldn't be okay with it.”
“I'm not. But...you're right, we never talked about it.”
“You didn't need to tell me, I knew. Just like you know I'd hate it if you slept with another guy. Hell, I don't even like it when you sleep with girls.” Luke gave a sheepish laugh.
“We've been through that, Luke. You know – ”
“I know. I know, but it don't mean I like it. But that don't mean there’s any excuse for what I did with José. I'm sorry.”
Emmett sipped from his drink, still oddly dispassionate. “So...why'd you do it then? If you knew I wouldn't like it.”
“Because I – I thought it'd solve our problem. I thought after I did it once, you wouldn't worry so much about hurtin’ me.”
The detachment vanished abruptly, replaced with baffled frustration. “For real? That's the best way you could think of to deal with it?”
“Well, I – ” Luke leaned back in his chair abruptly. “It seemed like the solution.”
“Fucking someone else was the only idea that occurred to you? You couldn't think of anything else? And you had to do it without talking to me first?” Emmett’s voice rose disbelievingly.
It seemed to occur to Luke to consider this for the first time. After a pause he said, “I knew if I asked you ahead of time, you'd say no.” He shook his head slightly and raised his hands. “I mean, I know you're mad. You can punish me, I won't complain. I'm surprised you ain't hit me.”
Emmett leapt to his feet and strode past Luke's chair, across the room. “Are you out of your mind? I don't want to hurt you! I want to keep you safe. That's the whole point!” He stopped pacing but Luke didn't say anything, and when he turned around Luke was staring at the floor. “So you tell me I'm in charge of your life – you'll do whatever I say – but the moment you want to do something you know I won't agree to, you just – do it anyway and figure you'll sweet-talk me later. All that talk about me being in control was a lie.”
“It wasn't a lie.” Luke lifted his head. For the first time, Emmett noticed his pale skin and tired eyes. “But you're right, that's what I do. I've done it my whole life...if I want something bad enough I just – go after it and deal with the fallout later. I knew you'd be mad but I figured you'd forgive me in the end.”
“Jesus, Luke.” Emmett sighed. He came back and dropped onto the sofa. “You're right, I will forgive you. But I'm not going back to the way things were. It's not like I wanted to be in charge in the first place. I'm not gonna keep playing pretend.”
“It ain't pretend, Em. You know it ain't.”
“Apparently it is, whenever you don't like something.”
“I won't do it again.”
“You just said it's what you always do.”
Luke reached out toward Emmett. “Please, can't I come over to you – ?”
“Absolutely not.” The last thing Emmett wanted was Luke kneeling at his feet. Not just because he was no longer sure he wanted to play that game, but because he knew from experience how hard it was to think with Luke in that position. He waited, while Luke looked at the floor in silence for a few moments.
“It's...a habit I need to break,” Luke said finally. “I been doing it a long time, I pretty much made a whole life outta taking risks but...I never want to risk losing you. I'll do better, I promise.”
Emmett hesitated. Wasn't Luke's willingness to court disaster part of his charm, part of the reason for his success? “I don't know if – ”
“With you. I won't take risks with you, I ain't promising to change myself completely.”
Emmett found himself smiling a little, at last. “I wouldn't want you to.”
Luke shot him a hopeful glance. “Does that mean – ”
“No, man. I still don't get it. Why did you want to sleep with José so bad that – ”
“It wasn't like that. It's not like I wanted him, I wanted you. I really wanted to do it with you and I thought this was the only way.”
“But it's not like I said no without a reason. I was worried you'd get hurt. How did you figure it's better to let someone else hurt you instead?”
“I just wanted to get it over with. And anyway – it didn't hurt that much.”
“I mean.” Emmett wrinkled his brows for a moment, considering. “It's not a bad idea, getting help from someone with experience. But why couldn't you just talk to him? Why'd you have to go straight to doing it?”
Luke gave a helpless shrug, but the colour was starting to come back in his face. “I guess I’m more of a doer than a talker.”
“You couldn't talk to me?”
Luke cocked his head skeptically, and for the first time sounded slightly annoyed. “Come on, Em. I tried talkin' to you about it and you shut me down.”
“What? No I didn't.” Emmett thought back to their previous conversation. “I told you why I didn't like it and you just dropped the subject.”
“Because it seemed like your mind was made up.”
Emmett’s hands laced together, then unlaced again, as he considered that. “It's true, I didn't really like talking about it – but I did anyway. If something's important to you, I'll always talk about it.”
“But you said point blank you wouldn't do it with me.”
“I said neither of us had enough experience to just start fucking. But we could've figured it out together. We could've talked to Ray or José or – or used something or – I don't know, got a pamphlet from the GAA or the men's health centre or something.” Emmett frowned again. “I hope José was careful.”
“He was real careful with – ”
“Haven't you heard about this new disease gay guys are getting? They don't even know what it is, but I heard some guys are dying. We have to be really careful; you might need to get tested or something. Did he use some kind of protection at least?”
“Yeah, he used a rubber but c'mon, Em, José's fine.”
“We don't know who's fine. We need to find out more about it. I know you think I'm over cautious, Luke, but that wasn't just taking a risk – it was reckless, dangerous. I still don't get it. Why do you want to do this so bad?”
Luke tried for a playful smile. “Curiosity?” He saw Emmett's look and dropped the smile. “I mean, it's supposed to feel good. And...it's just been so hard, Em. No privacy, not getting time alone with you...It's like – I got hit records, I got all these screaming fans, but the only thing I really want I can't have. Sometimes I start to feel, I dunno, kinda desperate.”
Emmett thought he understood. He'd seen that side of Luke.
“And then sometimes I feel like...doing this one thing with you would kinda seal the deal, you know? Make it real.”
“It's already real, Luke.”
“I know. Listen, Em, I fucked up, I know, but I didn't mean to disrespect you.” Luke took in a long breath. “Please can I move over there with you?”
Emmett relented. “You can sit here, beside me.”
Luke came over immediately, lifting Emmett's arm to lean against his chest. “Thank you. Now are you gonna keep punishing me or can we go to bed?”
“It's three o'clock in the afternoon, man.”
“So what? I been missing you.”
“You got plans tonight?”
“Just a dinner thing. I'll be back by nine. Can I come over?”
“Okay. But don't expect me to – ”
“I know, you ain't gonna fuck me.”
That wasn't exactly what Emmett meant, but he let it go. He'd been missing Luke as well. “Hey Luke,” he said after a moment.
“Yeah?”
“How'd it feel? When José – ”
“It hurt a little at first, but he was real slow and careful, and he – he used his fingers first. To make room...”
“Huh.”
“And that lube I showed you, he gave me that. He used lots of it and that really helped.”
“Did it...stop hurting after a while?”
“Yeah, mostly.”
“And then...did it feel good?”
“Uh...sort of. I didn't come or nothin'. It was a weird feeling, but I can see how it'd feel real good if...if the right person was doin’ it.”
“Did you do it more than once?”
“No, man, I wasn't tryin’ to get off, I just...y'know.” Luke laughed a little. “Wanted to stop being a virgin.”
“Hmm.”
Luke gave Emmett what might have been a hopeful look. In any case, Emmett couldn't stand being angry anymore. He turned and took Luke into his arms and felt Luke melt against him in response.
They spent that night together, and in the days that followed things almost returned to normal. The first time they woke up apart, Emmett took Luke's morning call like he used to, happy to speak to him, but declined to provide any orders when Luke asked. The next time Luke called again, and this time he didn't ask, which suited Emmett well.
And so they went back to their usual routines, except that Emmett no longer issued instructions or set tasks for Luke to follow, and Luke didn't ask for permission or explicitly defer to Emmett's approval. When they found time alone together, they went back to fooling around without any of their more recent games or rituals.
Emmett didn't quite understand his own reluctance to resume control in their relationship. It wasn't exactly because he thought Luke treated his authority cavalierly, though that was part of it. During their few days apart, he'd had time to dwell on his overall misgivings. Instinct and experience, and everything he'd ever learned from his upbringing, told him happiness didn't last forever. His love for Luke – that wasn’t going to change. One way or another, he'd continue to love Luke to the end of his days; that's just the way things were and always would be. He didn't doubt Luke's current love for him either – if anything, Luke loved him too much, too recklessly.
But this idyll they enjoyed would surely someday come to an end. They'd be caught; or trapped, and forced to make a choice; or Luke would get over his infatuation and fall for someone else. Time had a way of changing people, and so did money. Emmett knew by now that Luke had become a very, very rich man; his wealth far exceeded that of anyone else in the band – something about royalties, and song-writing credits, meant Luke was earning hundreds of times more from record sales and radio airplay than the band did collectively from tours. Just as Luke's fame and celebrity far outstripped Emmett's and the rest of the band's.
Of course, Emmett was thrilled for Luke's success and never begrudged him his fortune. If he foresaw a reckoning somewhere on the horizon, that didn't stop him from relishing his current happiness. On the contrary: someday he might need these memories to sustain himself. Given Luke's overly-romantic, overly-dramatic impulses, Emmett sometimes thought he might, one day, have to protect Luke by ending things himself. However much he loved being the object of Luke's adoration, his over-riding obligation was to safeguard Luke's well-being; he'd sacrifice his own enjoyment for that if – or when – he had to.
Emmett didn't mean to let fear of some unknown future pain guide his actions today – but still; was it really wise to dig himself in quite so deep? Luke's deliberate submission, his willingness to hand over his power to Emmett, was seductive – a siren song that would surely just make it harder to lose him in the end. Now that Emmett had broken away from it, would it be fool-hardy to walk right back into that temptation, especially when Luke himself had shown he was willing to abandon it at his convenience?
Despite all the uncertainties, the confused feelings of love and anxiety, having Luke back was a huge relief, and a responsibility Emmett always took seriously. Although the subject didn't come up again, he thought a lot about their conversation that afternoon. At last he took Ray aside, and after a bit of nervous circling asked for advice on how to safely have sex with another man. If Ray was surprised, he hid it well, and he carefully avoided asking detailed questions while providing information and guidance; he even supplied a few pamphlets about the disease Emmett had heard of, and a kind of how-to book for gay men, which Emmett studied earnestly. He began to feel more confident about trying it all out with Luke. But for some reason, he hesitated to bring it up just yet.
