The Music of Souls, page 17
Sebastian was smiling at me and nodded, encouraging me to continue walking forward. I gulped and turned around again; running away wasn’t an option. Besides I didn’t want to stand there out in the open for too long, anyone passing by might recognise me start asking thousands of questions.
I walked up the path to the front door. It felt like nothing had changed here, everything still looked the same. I rang the bell and my stomach felt like it was ready to heave. I could feel the sweat breaking out all over my body. I had expected some kind of reaction, but I hadn’t thought that my body would activate some kind of self-destruct protocol.
After what felt like ages my mother finally opened the door. She smiled brightly when she saw me, just as if nothing had happened in the past. Like I was just here to drink some damn coffee on any random Saturday, and I don’t even like coffee.
“Ava, darling. Nice to see you, come in,” she greeted me. I wasn’t able to form a sentence or even a word, so I just nodded and stepped inside.
Nothing had changed inside, either. Not a single thing, it looked exactly the same as when I’d left. Wait, no, one thing had changed: the melodies in the house weren’t as obnoxious anymore. Not because my father had changed, but because my mother had gone back to a more tolerable melody. She sounded a lot more at ease.
I had already realised that the last time I’d seen her, but back in this house it was even more obvious.
That was something, at least. That way I didn’t have to suffer through those horrible melodies and be confronted with memories I didn’t want to remember. Another thing was obvious too, though: there was another melody in the house. A new one, and from the sound of it, it must be a small child.
“Is there a visitor?” I asked, suddenly very wary. I wasn’t prepared to meet a stranger. My mother eyed me with a look that told me she knew I was listening to the melodies she so hated.
“It hasn’t stopped then,” she remarked.
“No, Mother, and it won’t ever. Now, who else is here?” I replied. I sounded cold and distant now, I knew that, but I had thought that over the years my mother would have come to accept me, which, as it now appeared, she really wasn’t capable of. She sighed and apparently decided it wasn’t worth a fight, so she just put her dolphin smile in place again.
“I will introduce you two, come,” my mother walked towards the living room. I had trouble setting my legs in motion. I had this bad feeling that whatever was in that room, I didn’t want to know. But I didn’t have a choice, I had to go in there. I could hear muffled noises through the closed door.
“Promise me to behave,” my mother said.
I held back the urge to roll my eyes and nodded. I was sure nothing could be worse than going to trial because of a homicide I had committed.
My mother searched my eyes for a moment, looking uncertain and scared.
“Mother, please open the door. I really have to get this over with,” I said, and she waited for a little longer, then she sighed and opened the door. The picture that presented itself to me was so unbelievable, I wasn’t sure if I was actually awake. But this couldn’t be a dream, because no way would I ever have dreamt that anything like it would be possible.
A small boy was jumping all over my father with a small dinosaur and my father was laughing and playing along. My mouth dropped open. I stared at them and they didn’t even seem to realise I was standing in the door.
“You had another child,” I said in a high-pitched voice. I must have sounded close to a mental breakdown and to be fair, I wasn’t that far away from it.
I ripped my gaze from the two of them and looked at my mother.
“Yes,” she replied and started nervously stepping from one foot to the other.
“And when did you plan to tell me I had a brother?” I asked in a lower voice this time, trying to sound less like a crazy person.
“The circumstances really weren’t the best,” my mother tried to explain, and I couldn’t help but laugh out loud.
“Right, because the circumstances are so much better now,” I said coldly.
“Hello Avalynn, good to see you,” I heard my father say and turned to him. The little boy was hiding behind him, looking at me with curiosity. He was obviously my brother, he looked so like me when I was his age. He must be around four or five. They really hadn’t waited long to have another child after they’d kicked me out of the house. I breathed in and out a few times to get my anger under control.
The child didn’t deserve a family drama, not that he would understand anyway.
My mother quickly walked into the room and grabbed the boy’s hand. They were standing there like a freaking dream family and it made me want to scream.
They’d built a new family while mine burned to ashes. If you could ever call what we’d had ‘a family’ in the first place. Not once had my father played with me. He didn’t have time, or he kept telling me should study and focus on the important things in life. Always high and mighty. Always the strict father. Now look at him, even letting his son walk all over him. Literally.
I had to stop thinking about this or I would not be able to make it through this meeting. I needed to settle the things for the trial and go back home again. I needed to leave this place.
“This is Adrian,” My mother introduced my brother. He looked up at me with big eyes. I wished I could hate him so I could just forget that I had ever seen him. But he looked so innocent and lovely. It wasn’t his fault. I clenched my hands into fists and arranged my best smile. The smile I always had to set on my face whenever my parents had dragged me to one of their events.
“Hello Adrian, I am Avalynn, but you can call me Ava,” I said and crouched down to be more on his level.
“Ava is your big sister,” my mother explained to him and his eyes got even wider, if that was possible.
“Sister?” he asked.
“Yes,” I answered, still smiling. He ripped his hand away from mother and rushed towards me, jumping at me. I barely managed to catch him without falling over. He was holding on to me for dear life and it almost felt like my heart was breaking in two.
“Now I have a sister, too!” he said and beamed a bright smile at me.
I looked at my parents, not understanding what he was saying.
“All of his classmates have siblings and he was the only one who didn’t,” she said and shrugged.
“All of them?” I asked. That sounded rather surprising, usually there is more than one child without a sibling.
“The class is small,” she answered, and I nodded. Probably a small private school, the best of the best, of course.
Adrian continued to cuddle me, and I patted his head. I wasn’t even sure how to act around a sibling and now I was expected to be a big sister.
“Now come on Adrian, your sister and father have important things to discuss,” my mother said and carefully took his arm.
“But I want to stay where Ava is,” he said and grabbed my sweater.
“If you are a good boy, Ava might come to visit us more often,” my mother said and looked at me. She was really hoping I would drop by more often now? Like I had more reason to be here?
Adrian fumed for a bit longer before releasing me and leaving the living room with our mother. The door closed behind them and I stood up.
My father had his stone-face back on.
“Congratulations,” I said bitterly.
“Don’t be like that. We both know that there has never been a good time to introduce your brother to you,” he said.
“And you think that it’s a good time now?” I asked.
“No, but it can’t be helped. This might be a way to reconnect,” he said. I looked at him and arched my eyebrow. I still wasn’t buying this act of his.
“Let’s just go over the trial,” I said and sat down on the couch.
“Fine by me.” He grabbed a file.
“All I need from you is you being honest and traumatised, but I doubt you will have trouble with that,” he started, and I stared at him in disbelief.
“Oh, come on, don’t act like I shot your puppy. Of course you are traumatised by what happened! You aren’t the type of person to be unfazed by hurting someone like that, in fact I am still surprised you are even sitting here carrying such a load on your shoulders,” he said. “You weren’t even able to hurt a spider when you were a child.”
“It was self-defence! I had no other choice,” I justified myself.
“Of course, and that’s exactly what you have to say during your trial. You are innocent; you were just fighting for your life,” he said and made a few notes.
“That’s all?” I asked.
“That’s all. You did nothing wrong so you can just tell them the truth. But for the love of God Avalynn, don’t mention anything about weird melodies,” he said and looked at me. I looked away from his gaze. I had never spoken to my father about it, because I never really felt that it was relevant to him.
“I wasn’t planning to,” I whispered.
“I knew they had something to do with it. Avalynn, are you sure you are okay?” he asked, but he didn’t really sound concerned about my health. It sounded more as through he was judging my mental state. Maybe he really thought that I was crazy.
“Yes, I am fine. And I won’t mention them,” I said, looking directly at him now. We stared at each other in silence, then he sighed.
“Fine, then it will be okay. I am sure the special agents told you this already, but the man didn’t die directly from the stab wounds. He died from a heart attack,” he said.
“Yes, they told me. But the sudden blood loss was most likely the trigger,” I replied, playing with one of the buttons on my jacket to distract myself. I hadn’t even taken it off because I’d been so stunned with this new development.
“A normal and healthy person might have survived though. So let’s take it as it is. Be mentally prepared for Monday and don’t act tough. I know that you sometimes try to present a strong facade so people don’t pity you, but in this case, people should pity you. You have to look like a victim and not a perpetrator,” he said and put the file away again.
“Remember: I have had worse cases and won. Your case is looking good. The witness who was with you in the shop also has your back. Her statement matched up with yours perfectly and she is convinced that you just wanted to help to protect her life and your own. She did mention that you could have just fled the store but decided to help her. This makes things look even better for you. They might also ask you about the previous occasion when you first saw that man, so try to repeat what you told the police that night,” he continued and leaned back in his chair. He looked comfortable and at peace. Honestly, I hadn’t often seen him in this state. He always used to be fidgety before, always on the go. Maybe having another child made him settle down more or maybe he was just getting old.
“Okay,” I replied. I wasn’t sure what to say to him anymore. The urge to leave the house was starting to grow stronger, mainly because Adrian’s melody kept hitting me in waves. His cheery and innocent melody was a bit too happy for me to handle, especially in this house. The childhood I’d had here had not been so cheery and innocent. I looked around the room and saw all those photos of them, in all kinds of places. They even travelled now, it seemed. We never travelled. I couldn’t help it, but I felt envious of Adrian. He was getting everything I ever wanted.
“You are free to move in again, if you don’t know where to go,” my father said out of nowhere.
“I don’t think I belong here,” I replied truthfully.
“This is your home; this is your family. If you don’t belong here, where do you belong?” he asked. I looked at him and wondered if he really was this forgetful or if he just didn’t realise how much living here had been a nightmare for me. They had taken everything away from me and now I was supposed to feel at home here, part of the family?
“I don’t know, but I just can’t forget what happened,” I answered, trying to stay vague.
“At some point you’ll just have to let it go, Avalynn. People make mistakes and so did we. But we can’t fix things if we don’t allow it to happen,” he said. I stared at him, wondering where the man had gone who never admitted a mistake. Wondered what happened to him. But it hadn’t been his best friend that had jumped in front a train before his very eyes and it hadn’t been him that suffered so badly without the music. It also hadn’t been him who’d been medicated for an ‘affliction’ he couldn’t help and was left feeling utterly alone all the time. Since he had been the person causing it, together with my mother. But I decided to let it go for today, I didn’t want to upset him because I needed him.
“Maybe,” I said instead and for now he seemed satisfied with my answer. He probably thought I was reconsidering everything and would just happily join this family again.
A knock on the door ended the conversation and Adrian came rushing in.
“I want to show you my room,” he announced excitedly. I really wanted to leave but I couldn’t say no to him.
“I'm sorry about him bursting in like that. Adrian, I told you that you have to wait for a ‘come in’ before you enter a room,” my mother scolded him, and he shrugged. He had an attitude for sure, I would have peed myself if I had acted like that in front of my father, and he would have told me a thing or two about proper behaviour.
“It’s fine, we were done anyway,” my father answered though, totally unfazed by his son.
“Okay, let’s see your room then, but afterwards I have to go,” I said to Adrian, because I really had to leave this room and get away from the man standing next to me.
“You could stay for dinner,” my mother proposed hopefully. She was wearing an apron now and strands of hair were falling into her face where her bun was coming undone. She didn’t look as strict anymore either, she’d gone back to a more comfortable appearance. That’s how she had looked like when she was brushing my hair every night and was just spending time with me, before asking me what I was humming. I shook my head, both to forget the memories and to decline her offer.
“I am sorry, but I still have things to do,” I answered, and she nodded, looking a bit sad. Adrian was tugging at my sleeve, urging me to follow him. I started moving and took out my phone to text the boys to pick me up again.
Adrian led me up the stairs and stormed into the room that once upon a time had been my room. I walked in and saw that they completely renovated my room before giving it to Adrian. It’s like I just got replaced here. I was about to get furious when Adrian started talking about his favourite toys and held up one after the other.
I smiled at him and acted like I was listening, when really my ears were ringing, and I couldn’t hear a word he was saying. But he seemed satisfied with the response I gave him.
“Your room is down the hall now,” my mother said from behind me, startling me. I nodded and went down the hall to the last door there. This used to be a storage room for all kinds of stuff. I opened the door. They’d put a few new bits of furniture in there and decorated it a bit. It still smelled of freshly painted walls, so they’d probably finished this room just recently.
“We thought that if you ever wanted to come back, you would have a place to stay here,” my mother said with a smile.
“Thanks,” I replied, but I didn’t really feel that thankful. This was probably the best they could do in a short period of time. They hadn’t wanted me back for a long time and only acted when they realised that I would come to visit, see my brother and also see that they’d put him in my room. Props to them that they didn’t actually want to crush me entirely, but this room wasn’t filled with love like Adrian’s room. Maybe they would accept me here again, but I am not sure that they really meant it. I think they were happy with how they were living now. I wondered what they wanted to achieve by having me back.
“The special agents are outside,” my father called from downstairs. Those were the first words since I entered this house that really made me feel happy and at ease. Thank God, I could leave!
“I should go then,” I said and turned around.
“I will see you on Monday,” my mother said and awkwardly pulled me into an embrace.
“See you on Monday. Goodbye, Adrian,” I said, and he looked like he was about to burst into tears.
“Will you come back soon?” he asked, and I smiled at him, unable to give him a clear answer. He demanded a hug before I went downstairs and shared one last look with my father who held the door open for me.
“We are a family, Avalynn, don’t forget,” he said and, I left the house without bothering to reply. I wasn’t the one who forgot that, you were, I thought to myself and got into the back of the car waiting for me.
Andrew immediately drove off and I saw him trying to get my attention through the mirror. But I didn’t want to look at him, I just wanted a moment to myself, to find my centre again. I didn’t know what to feel or think, I was confused. I hadn’t expected anything like this and in some kind of way, it hurt me deeply. My thoughts were whirling around. I just couldn’t believe that they’d had another child. And that they were showering him with love and affection. What had I done to deserve such a strict childhood and he just had everything nice and loving? Did they actually learn from their mistakes and wanted to do better? But then they could have reached out me sooner. Why didn’t they? They had made it clear that I wasn’t part of the family anymore, but now he told me I shouldn’t forget that we were a family. What was going on? We were driving for a while and no one said a word. The air was tense, and I tried to calm down. I wanted to share my thoughts with them, but I didn’t know where to start. We had almost reached the house when I took a deep breath.
“So apparently I have a brother,” I said in a trembling voice and like the floodgates just opened, I started crying without holding anything back. Because this was my family and they were allowed to see me broken. And if there were people out there to fix me, it would be them. Sebastian reached for my hand from the front seat.
“Tell us everything when we get indoors,” he said, and didn’t let go of my hand until we got to the house, and I felt so grateful and at home already. And for the first time I understood what people meant when they say: home is where the heart is. Because my heart was truly with them, with my family.
