The Music of Souls, page 13
I sighed and let myself relax for a while. I was not sure whether this day was the worst day of my life. Could it beat the day of Maddy’s suicide? I had killed someone, but he was a bad person. Did that make it better?
A cold shiver went down my spine and I wrapped the blanket around me. How could I be so merciless? When did that happen? I tried to calm down and not let negative thoughts cloud my mind, but it was impossible. I felt overwhelmed and started to cry quietly until I fell into a restless sleep.
I woke up at some point, feeling groggy. I recognised a new melody in the house, and it startled me. I didn’t want to meet new people right now, I felt vulnerable and just wanted to hide. I closed my eyes and listened to the melody for a while. The person had a quick and stormy sound. Probably someone who was always on their toes. But it also was rather light and warm. From the melody I would assume it to be a woman, most likely my age. I got out of bed and stretched. I glanced at the mirror.
The person looking back at me looked like me, but something had changed.
I brushed my hair and gathered it up into a ponytail.
My eyes were bloodshot from crying too much and my skin looked ashen. All in all, I looked pretty lousy.
I opened the door and heard people talking down the hall, probably in the kitchen. A lovely smell of food reached me, and my stomach growled in response. Before joining them in the kitchen I walked into the bathroom to wash up really quickly.
It wasn’t really surprising when I entered the bathroom and it looked really pretty, too. I’d guess not one room in this house would look anything less than wonderful anyway.
After feeling a bit more human again I walked into the kitchen.
“Hi,” I greeted them with as much enthusiasm as I could manage. The three special agents turned around.
“Hello, Avalynn,” Andrew said.
“Feeling better?” Connor asked and I shrugged. He shot me an understanding look before smiling slightly.
“It will get better someday,” he said. For some reason I got the feeling that he knew exactly what he was talking about.
I nodded and spotted the woman. She was standing by the stove with her back towards me. There had been no response from her since I had entered the room. Was she ignoring me?
Andrew walked towards her and tapped carefully on her shoulder. She turned around and saw me standing there after looking at him in confusion for a moment.
“You must be Avalynn,” she said. She spoke slowly and it sounded a bit odd to me. I nodded while I tried to figure out why she sounded like that.
“I am Laura,” she said.
“Nice to meet you,” I replied. She nodded and smiled.
“Laura is deaf,” Connor said next to me.
“Oh okay,” I said. That explained her strange speaking voice. “She can still speak well though.”
“She used to be able to hear and she tries to talk still,” Connor explained. Laura looked annoyed then and tapped on Andrew’s shoulder.
He started signing something to her. So, Andrew could actually use sign language, that was really exciting. But when you had a deaf significant other, it was probably a good thing to learn sign language, too.
“Thank you,” she said, turning to me again. I had to be honest, she looked gorgeous. She had wonderful long blonde curls, bright blue eyes, and she was rather tall. She might be a model for all I knew. But all of them looked like that, standing in this crowd made me feel like a grey mouse.
I couldn’t imagine what it was like to be unable to hear. Especially with my gift. All I did was hear melodies all the time, what would happen to me if I lost that?
Laura turned around again and continued cooking.
“Any news?” I asked Connor and sat down next to him.
“Nothing really. I mean besides the fact that someone leaked information to the public. That you are a producer of really popular music doesn’t really help now,” he said.
“Most people don’t even know my face or my name though. I tried to stay in the background as best as I could,” I said.
“There are still enough people who know you,” Brown said.
I never realised that I might be popular with some people. I mean, yeah, there was that one person asking for an autograph before, but aside from that?
He must be really disappointed right now as well. I’d been kind of his role model and inspiration. I groaned, remembering that.
“You okay?” Connor asked.
“Yes, I just realised that I might have disappointed a lot of people,” I said.
“Don’t worry, Avalynn, your father will probably solve the case in your favour,” Andrew said. Yes, my great father would handle it and then I would be in his debt forever. Not to mention that even if he did, that still didn’t mean that my name would be cleared afterwards. Then again, was that really something I should care about? In the end, me having killed someone isn’t a lie.
That didn’t make me feel better at all and I still couldn’t trust my father. Why would he pop up out of nowhere, acting as if I was his one and only precious daughter? How did he even know about the case anyway?
“Do you guys know why my father knew about the case?” I asked.
“You didn’t reach out to him?” Brown asked.
“When would I have done that? You were with me the entire time and I haven’t been in contact with him for a long time,” I answered.
“Maybe the news spread faster than we thought,” Andrew suggested. That freaked me out. They hadn’t reached out to him and neither had I. Yet there he was, all of a sudden. I knew that my father always kept tabs on a lot of things, but that really was beyond creepy.
I chewed my bottom lip and tried to think about possible reasons why my father would know about what had happened. Maybe someone within the police department who recognised my surname had told him. That could be a good explanation, right?
But even then, it would be weird. Why would someone contact him just because they assumed it could be my family? People can share a surname but have no family connections whatsoever.
“Do you want to eat with us?” Andrew asked and pulled me out of my thoughts.
He seemed worried and I thought I probably looked like I had spaced out once again. I looked at his plate and saw spaghetti on it.
“Yes, thank you,” I answered. I really was quite hungry, maybe it would also help me to feel at ease, or at least as much at ease as possible.
I took the plate Andrew handed me and followed him to another room. It was a large dining room.
“Do you have lots of guests here?” I asked. They had so much space, it seemed like they would throw parties every other weekend.
“At times, but usually only family and close friends,” Andrew answered. He sat down next to Laura and smiled at her. It looked as if in his eyes she was the prettiest and most wonderful person on the planet.
A small part of me wished that someone had looked at me like that before, but I always had bad luck with men. In my current state I would just drag someone down instead of lifting them up and adding positivity to their life.
Laura didn’t seem to notice Andrew’s gaze though and waited for everyone to settle down before she started eating.
During the meal there wasn’t much audible talking. I realised that even the other two were able to use sign language and it was more of a silent meal for me, while it was a busy conversation for the rest of them.
I did feel a bit out of place, but I was only a bystander anyway. A murderer they were kind enough to hide for a while.
My hunger disappeared with the growing guilt that was eating at me once again. Even though I usually enjoyed their melodies, I felt bothered by listening to them now. I tried to ignore them, tried to push them out of my head, but instead they were just getting louder and louder. I dropped my fork and I covered my ears with my hands in a flood of panic. Not that it would help much, I was not hearing the melodies with my ears after all.
My sudden movement made them stop and look at me questioningly. Especially Laura looked totally confused.
“Are you okay, Avalynn?” Andrew asked and got up from his chair to move around the table, closer to me. I could barely hear him; I was covering my ears after all. He tugged on my arm and I got up. He walked me out of the room, back to the guestroom I was going to stay in for a while. He closed the door behind us, and the melodies were slowly drifting out of my head. All of them, except Andrew’s.
I sat down on the bed, utterly exhausted.
“Do you have trouble controlling it at times?” he asked. He sat on the chair in front of me.
“Yes,” I said. I felt embarrassed about it, even though I didn’t think I had to be. He seemed really calm about everything he did, maybe that’s why I felt like such a failure in front of him.
“We all have that sometimes. Don’t feel bad about it. I guess with all that’s happened today it may get worse for you. Don’t feel so regretful though. There are times now when I see Maddy and today's incident mixed up. But you didn’t do anything wrong, in either of them. This is outside of work, outside of what the law says. This is my own opinion: You protected a woman and risked your life for that. You aren’t a brutal murderer who just killed someone for fun.” The look on his face was open and honest and I wished I could believe him. I wished I could drop this guilt and accept the fact that the man had tried to kill the woman and me and that I hadn’t had another choice.
But you always had another choice.
“All three of us have killed someone before, Avalynn. With our cases we sometimes had situations where we had to put our own safety first. The first time it happened it was traumatising and overwhelming. Especially for Sebastian. He is a peace-seeker and wants to solve everything without violence. But he learned that there are people out there whose bad sides are much stronger than their good ones. And sometimes there is no other way. It’s hard, but seeing an innocent person getting hurt because you didn’t stop the one who was out to harm people, that would be worse,” Andrew continued.
“Sebastian?” I asked.
“Special Agent Connor,” Andrew said with a slight smile.
“We are here to help you now, because we believe that you need us,” Andrew said. “And in more ways than just having a place to hide.”
I looked at him, confused. “What do you mean?”
“We three found each other and haven’t been able to leave each other’s sides ever since. We don’t know why but we feel connected in a way we can’t explain. We feel most at peace when we are together. And for some reason, your presence also added to that peace. We stopped questioning things we can’t explain and sometimes just accept them as they are. It’s what helped us the most,” he explained. It sounded similar to what Connor had told me yesterday.
“You three harmonise in the most beautiful way,” I said. Trying to remember their melodies together. They sounded so disturbed at the dining table, maybe that was causing me more stress on top of all the stress I already had in the first place. I felt relaxed with their usual melodies after all, I guessed hearing them like that had unintentionally frightened me.
“I honestly admire your talent, Avalynn,” Andrew said. He looked sad. My talent must seem great compared to his. Only seeing the biggest regrets in people, he probably had seen many terrible things.
“And you should take care of yourself and your gift. There are people that are going crazy from their talent,” he said.
“Are there a lot of people like us?” I asked.
“We met a handful and most of them went crazy because they never were able to control themselves. Some believe they hear voices in their heads and then they get locked away. They just never understood what it was all about, because no one cared enough to think that there might be more to it. But we can’t blame them. Having supernatural abilities isn’t usually regarded as a valid explanation,” Andrew said, remembering what Brown had said about that too.
He got up and pulled me into a hug. I stiffened at this sudden gesture.
“We will take care of you, so don’t worry,” he said and stepped away.
“Thank you,” I replied. I didn’t know what else to say. I actually did feel cared about, I felt like I was around family. For the first time in a very long time, I began to believe that I might be able to heal from my past, with people like them around.
Chapter 12
When I woke up the next morning the positive feelings from the night before had already been crushed. The nightmares wouldn’t stop hunting me and at some point, even just closing my eyes was terrifying.
I sighed and stared at the ceiling. I could hear rummaging in the kitchen, and I decided to leave the bed and see what the day would bring.
I grabbed some fresh clothes and quickly walked into the bathroom. Considering that I still hadn’t had a proper shower yet was making me feel disgusted and I didn’t want them to see me like that again.
The hot water on my skin made me relax a bit. It was a nice feeling, as if I could just wash away everything that had happened in the last 24 hours. That was just wishful thinking though. The man was dead, he would not come back to life again and ending his life had been my doing.
It still felt surreal; how had I even been able to react like that? I’ve never been a violent person, never thought that I would ever actually harm someone, let alone be strong enough to do so. I had never before been involved in that kind of trouble, so why in the world was I in this situation now?
The melodies.
I turned off the water and watched the drops roll off my skin for a while. The cool air quickly made me shiver but for a moment I was paralysed.
Because of the melodies I was in this situation now. If I hadn’t been able to hear them, I wouldn’t have followed the man, I wouldn’t have witnessed the murder and I might not have been in that situation in the tailor shop, or he would have left, since he wouldn’t have recognised me from anywhere.
A soft knock on the door pulled me out of my thoughts.
“Yes?” I said, finally stepping out of the shower and grabbing a towel. No one answered me so I wondered whether maybe I’d misheard, but then I heard the knocking again.
I opened the door a tiny crack and looked out, still trying to shield my body with the door as best as I could.
It was Laura. She was smiling her warm smile and a few strands of her blonde hair were falling in her face.
“Breakfast,” she said softly, and I nodded. She nodded too and turned around to leave.
I watched her go. Her ponytail was bouncing with every step and her clothes looked perfect on her. The light blue denim was hugging her curves and the pink sweater just made her look like the girl everyone wanted to go out with back in high school. She reminded me of Maddy. Just as gorgeous.
I sighed and closed the door. I looked at myself in the mirror. My skin wasn’t glowing, in fact it still looked ashen. There were dark circles under my eyes, and overall, I looked sick. But why did that even matter? I wasn’t here to impress anyone; they all had significant others already. And anyway, I was toxic, not a good match for anyone. I was a murderer.
I quickly put my clothes on and dried my hair. I didn’t want them to have to wait for me any longer than they probably already had.
I walked over to the kitchen and saw them sitting at the dining table. They were having a silent conversation, Laura being the centre of attention.
It amazed me how she was able to have everyone so focused on her, without speaking a single word. Not out loud, anyway.
I moved closer and sat down. “Good morning,” I said.
“Good morning, Avalynn. How are you feeling today?” Andrew said. I looked at him and shrugged.
“Sorry for making you wait,” I said instead of elaborating on my current feelings.
“That’s okay, Laura only just finished the pancakes,” Andrew said.
“Let’s eat then,” Brown said and grabbed one of the pancakes. I waited for them to serve themselves before taking a pancake, too.
Perfectly baked pancakes. Perfectly golden. Another thing she was clearly better at than me, since I couldn’t manage bake them so perfectly. I shook my head; I should stop comparing myself to her. What was wrong with me?
I’d never compared myself to others to this degree. I almost felt like I was detesting her for being better and prettier than me. But I had never been that petty. Why was I feeling like this?
A pat on my arm startled me, almost causing me to drop the fork. I looked around the room, they were all staring at me.
“I am sorry, I was miles away,” I mumbled.
“Aren’t you hungry?” Laura asked. She was clearly trying her best to sound as understandable as possible. If I hadn’t known that she was deaf, I probably would just suspect a speech impediment of some kind.
“I am, thanks for the breakfast,” I said and forced a smile. She frowned; she didn’t seem satisfied with my answer. Well, what did she want from me? Should I fall to my knees and praise her for the good deed of offering me breakfast?
I sucked in air, surprised by my absolutely disgusting thoughts. She just wanted to be nice and tried to make me feel good. Why was I behaving like a total prick?
No one said anything for a while, and we ate in silence. She was signing to Andrew, having a silence conversation with him, but that was about it.
In all honesty, I thought that being the way I was right now really made people uncomfortable. I just couldn’t put up with it. I felt like the world was being unfair. What had I done to get into this mess?
“I think we might have some news from pathology today,” Andrew said, and I nodded.
“What does that mean for me?” I asked. My hands were starting to sweat, and I wiped them on my jeans to get rid of the sticky feeling.
“Well, we will know what the exact cause of his death was,” Andrew said as if there was a chance that he didn’t die from being stabbed twice. I clenched my hands into fists, trying to get rid of this anxious feeling that was about to bubble out of me.
Laura stood and started to clear the table. I took my plate before she reached me and carried it into the kitchen, waiting for her to arrive with the other dishes.
