Once and for Always, page 15
Simon dreamed of Bea again that night. Not an erotic dream but she came willingly into his arms and he was filled with contentment.
Next morning, he walked to Bea’s hamlet. He did not want to cause talk by having a cab standing outside her house. And taking a horse posed the problem of where to leave it. He arrived at the meeting place much too early and he had checked his watch three times before he saw her walking towards him. He went to meet her with his hands outstretched, trying not to break into a run.
Chapter 17
Bea set out to meet Simon with a firm resolve to hear what he had to say and then send hm away. It would be hard but they could not have a respectable relationship and she could not be his mistress.
As Simon came forward to meet her with outstretched hands, she could not resist him. Her hands came up to meet his and he held them against his chest. She felt the warmth of his hands through her cotton gloves and saw the longing in his eyes. ‘Bea,’ he whispered as he lowered his head and his lips met hers.
It was a gentle kiss, almost reverent but it was her first real kiss and she returned it with an ardour she had not known she possessed. He drew back and looked into her eyes which were wide with wonder and her lips parted on a soft, ‘Oh.’ Simon had to restrain the urge to crush her in his arms and kiss her senseless.
The path was too narrow for them to walk abreast but he kept hold of her hand and led her back to a stile partially hidden behind some bushes. They sat down and he spoke the words in his heart. ‘Bea, I love you. Please say you will marry me!’
He sounded so sincere that Bea felt her eyes fill with tears. She tried to pull her hands free and stand but he did not let her go.
‘Please.’
The one word was enough to make Bea forget most of her sensible resolve but enough remained for her to move as far away from him as the wooden step allowed. She could not look at him as she said, sadly, ‘I cannot. You know I cannot. You are already married.’
Simon frowned. Oh, lord! He ought to have told her about Monica before he proposed.
‘I’m not! Not now.’ Bit by bit he told her all the sordid details of his marriage. It did not show him in a very good light. He had married on a wave of lust. Was Bea thinking him too easily led by his urges? To mitigate his past behaviour he added, ‘My parents were in favour of the match. I was the heir and they had been urging me to marry for some time. In their defence I have to say they did not know about the child.’
‘Tell me about her. What is she like?’
Simon wished she had not asked. Since being with his family he had felt guilty for not taking interest in the child. He kept putting off a visit on the grounds of more pressing matters. ‘She lives with her maternal grandmother,’ he said cautiously.
‘And?’ Bea prompted. Simon could feel himself sinking further in Bea’s regard but knew she was not going to be put off. He had to admit he did not see her. ‘I sent Christmas gifts.’ It sounded lame even to his own ears and Bea’s disapproval was justified.
‘None of it was the child’s fault. She will grow up thinking she is unloved.’
In a desperate attempt to change the subject, Simon asked, ‘Is that how you felt when that bounder Fleming deceived you?’
Bea actually smiled. ‘Rob was not all bad. He did love me in a way, just as I loved him. He was like an uncle, a friend I had known all my life. He married me when I had just lost my father. Your agent, Tanner, was threatening to throw me out and I did not know what to do. I was confused and desperate. Rob rescued me!’
That did not make sense. She had married Fleming more the three years ago. ‘Why didn’t you appeal directly to me?’
Bea stamped her foot. ‘I did not know you were Lord Ridgeworth!’
‘Is that why you went off to London with that young man? Because you were desperate? Did he make you promises he did not keep?’
Bea stared at him in outraged shock. ‘Certainly not! He is my cousin. He took me to stay with his mother!’
Simon apologised, filled with shame. Her going away with an unknown man had been the spur that had sent him rushing to Felixstowe to see if she might be open to a discreet liaison. He could not tell her that and went back to his original declaration. ‘I love you, Bea. I did not realise why I was so desperate to find you. You have always been at the back of my mind.’
Bea argued that she had only been a child when he came to her father’s shop. ‘The only other time we met you did not even recognise me.’
Simon risked putting an arm around her shoulders and smiled. ‘Perhaps not immediately. We did not have time to speak, but you were not a child in my dreams. Bea, I love you and want to marry you. To be with you forever.’
They argued. Bea cited the fear of her secret being discovered. Simon said that was unlikely.
‘If you could find me so too can other people. I will not involve you in my scandal.’
‘My past is not free of scandal but I survived. You were the innocent party and, whatever happens, we will deal with it together.’
‘Yes, but if I am not a widow I will be judged on my morals. No-one will believe Rob and I were never intimate. He stayed in my house. We were seen out together.’
Simon did not hear her last words. He heart had soared at the knowledge that the marriage had never been consummated. He hated the thought of another man touching her but could have accepted it as she had believed herself married. He wanted her in all ways and not just for an affair. He loved her, had carried her in his heart for so many years without knowing why no other woman would do.
She wanted him too. He had seen the love in her eyes and he would be honoured to call her his wife.
A dog, not her own, ran up to Bea with lolling tongue and wagging tail. He was closely followed by a working man with a lumpy sack thrown over his shoulder. ‘Afternoon, Miss Hastings.’ He gave Simon a sideways glance.’
Bea eased herself away from Simon’s embrace and bent to pet the dog. The man grinned. ‘Sorry to disturb you but I have come to cut back these bushes.’
‘Then we will get out of your way.’ Bea rose and stepped forward with the dog frisking around her. She was very close to the water’s edge and Simon went quickly to her side. She started to walk away and the man turned his interested gaze on Simon. ‘Nice afternoon for a walk, sir.’ The accompanying wink suggested other pleasures to be had in a concealed nook. Simon gave him a curt nod and followed Bea.
‘That will be all around the village by nightfall,’ Bea hissed over her shoulder when they were out of earshot.’ Your cab at my door has already been mentioned.’
‘Tell them we are about to be married. They will love it.’
Bea turned angrily. ‘I fell into one disastrous marriage without proper thought. I will not make the same mistake twice!’
‘But you love me.’
Bea could not deny it. She had already allowed him liberties and kisses. Either she loved him or she was a shameless hussy. ‘Yes,’ she whispered. ‘Once and for always.’
Simon closed the gap between them and took her into his arms. The kiss swept them both away. Bea’s hands came up to cradle his face and he lowered one hand to her bottom and pulled her closer to his arching groin.
A long, two-note whistle jerked Bea back to reality and she hid her face against Simon’s chest. He gave the bargee on the other side of the river a casual wave of acknowledgement. When the barge was safely past, Simon tilted Bea’s chin until she could not avoid his eyes. ‘You will have to marry me now, Miss Hastings.’
Bea returned his smile and against all reason said, ‘Yes.’ They kissed again with less fervour but more …., something. A promise? A commitment? Trust? Whatever it was it felt right.
Bea finally sighed. ‘But we can’t stand here in full view for all to see.’ Unable to break away completely, Bea took his hand and, on the way to her back gate, they decided how to break the news. He learned that Dora and Freddie were almost family and knew all about her past. ‘They have stood by me and I will not let them be pushed aside.’
Chapter 18
Bea and Simon entered the house through the kitchen door. Dora looked up from taking a pie from the oven. One glance at their linked hands and Bea’s glowing smile told her more than she wanted to know. With a sigh she placed the hot dish on one side.
Freddie was less perceptive. He charged around the table and glared at Simon. ‘Stay right there! I’ll fetch your hat.’ Bea grabbed his sleeve but was looking at Dora as she announced, ‘We are going to be married.’
Simon ought to have been annoyed by the lad’s, ‘What him!’ and the maid’s sullen shake of her head but they had already demonstrated their affection and loyalty so he let the impertinence pass. Indeed, at that moment he felt more like a schoolboy called up before the headmaster for some misdemeanour. The maid muttered something that sounded like, ‘We have heard that before,’ had Bea rushing to his defence.
‘It is not like that. Come into the parlour. We have a lot to tell you.’ Simon wanted to protest but he had no authority in this house and did not want to sound domineering.
Bea led the way to the front room. She drew Simon to sit beside her on the sofa while the maid perched on the edge of the chair opposite. The lad stood at her shoulder with arms folded.
‘I will take care of Bea,’ Simon began trying to ignore their sceptical glances.
Bea patted his hand and said, ‘Simon is not married.’ Simon hardly said a word as Bea told of their meetings long ago and feelings they had been obliged to suppress. It was not the whole truth but near enough not to be a lie. Bea concluded her account by saying, ‘Please be happy for me.’
‘There will be a lot to arrange,’ Simon told them. He cleared his throat and turned to Bea. ‘Will your cousin allow you to be married from his house?’
Bea looked surprised. ‘I thought we could be quietly married here.’
‘No,’ Simon replied with gentle firmness. ‘We will be married with as much fanfare as we can manage. We have nothing to be ashamed of.’
‘I have,’ Bea insisted. ‘What about the gossip?’
‘The best way to avoid speculation is to give the gossips something else to talk about.’
‘He’s right, love,’ Dora agreed. ‘People mostly see what is thrust under their noses.’ She frowned at Simon, ‘How will you explain the sudden wedding?’
‘As Bea just said, we have known and loved each other for years.’ He smiled at Bea and squeezed her hand. ‘Previous marriage vows have kept us apart for too long. Now we are both free, we want to be together as soon as possible.’ It was near enough to his previous excuses to sound true.
‘It could work,’ Bea said. ‘Jane and her family know we were both married but only Jane knows mine was not real.’ She bit her lip and looked at Simon. ‘My cousin Violet is not going to be pleased. She wanted you for herself.’
Simon frowned. ‘I can’t remember that I ever met her.’
Bea reminded him of their brief encounter.
‘I don’t remember it.’
‘She is very beautiful,’ Bea prompted.
Simon shrugged. ‘I must have met scores of beautiful women but none as lovely as you.’ Bea knew it could not be true but she was glad Simon thought so.
Dora stood up. This was getting too personal. ‘I’ll go and check on supper.’ She signalled Freddie to join her and stopped at the door when Bea asked Simon to stay for the meal. At his assent Dora had a naughty hope that he would find it a disappointment. ‘Freddie can clear the dining room while I find some serving dishes.’
Bea was not having that. They always ate in the kitchen. It was more convenient and she had never dined alone. What could Simon say but ‘Yes,’ when asked if he would mind.
It was a novel experience to be served rabbit pie and plain, boiled vegetables straight from the saucepan. It was almost like being back in Stroud although James’ servants were not so assertive. Freddie asked how Simon had got there and laughed when he said he had walked. ‘Well, mind you don’t fall in the river on the way back.’
Simon glanced at the window. The sun was low in the sky, leaving a pearly twilight. He had not realised how long they had been talking.
He left, reluctantly, as soon as the meal was finished. He thanked Dora and said he had enjoyed the meal, surprised to find that it was true and not just politeness.
Bea accompanied him to the garden gate. His farewell was more than words and Bea was flushed and slightly rumpled when she finally watched him walk away.
Dora had more to say when they were alone. ‘Bea, do you really think you are doing the right thing? You hardly know him.’
‘I know him in here,’ Bea touched her breast. ‘Simon has never been far from my thoughts. I really do love him, Dora. And Simon has always loved me, but, like most men I have heard of, took a long time to realise it.’
It was quite dark when Simon, rather footsore, reached his hotel. His shoes were not designed for long distance walks. He had hardly noticed the pain until he stopped walking as his head was too full of wonderment at knowing Bea loved him.
Noakes greeted him with relief and said he was glad his lordship had retrieved his hat. The relief vanished when his master flopped back on the bed with a silly grin on his face. ‘You may congratulate me, Noakes. I am going to marry Miss Hastings.’ Noakes was shocked out of his usual reticent and exclaimed, ‘My lord, you hardly know the woman!’
Ridgeworth sat bolt upright and glared. ‘Lady, Noakes! Miss Hastings is a lady.’
‘I beg pardon my lord but isn’t this rather sudden?’
Ridgeworth relaxed. ‘I think I have known her all my life, even before we met.’ Simon looked at his loyal servant. ‘You know me better than anyone. Did you never wonder why I did not take up the lures thrown at me? I have been searching for Bea. No-one else has every touched my heart. Monica addled my senses for a while but I never loved her.’
Noakes nodded silently. He had been the recipient of his lordship’s confidences so often. The euphoria of his brief engagement. The crushing disillusion of his marriage, quickly followed by the death of his beloved father. He had never met Miss Hastings and what he had heard of her did not sound promising. He prayed she was not another scorpion disguised as a butterfly.
Simon visited Bea again next day. They walked the river path but could not find another secluded spot so they went back to the cottage and shut themselves in the parlour – to discuss things. Only the thought of Dora rushing in with a rolling pin kept Simon from making love to Bea on the carpet. Even so he managed to give her a foretaste of the delights of a true marriage.
He had come on horseback this time and his mount was helping himself to Bea’s flowers in the rear garden while Simon shared another simple meal around the kitchen table. This one was more relaxed but Bea’s servants were still suspicious.
Simon was not sure he wanted to live under Dora Cotton’s critical gaze. He accepted that she loved Bea like a mother loves a daughter but she would have to learn to treat him with more respect. Her last words to him the previous evening had been a command to never let Bea down. Her straight look had implied he would have her to deal with if he ever hurt her beloved mistress.
‘You will always be welcome in my house, Mrs Cotton,’ he had replied formally and then grinned. ‘As my almost mother-in-law, perhaps I may be allowed to call you Dora.’
Dora had swatted him on the arms and said, ‘Get away with you,’
Restrained by the thought of interruption, the lovers spent their time catching up on the events of the missing years. Simon cringed every time Bea mentioned Rob. Reason told him Fleming was a part of her life as much as Monica was part of his.
They came close to quarrelling when Bea asked if his daughter would live with them after their marriage.
‘She is not my daughter!’
‘She is an innocent child!’ Bea watched his face although his head was bent and she could not see his eyes. His body spoke his thoughts. Disgust had held him rigid. Her censure had slumped his shoulders. Bea could not bear to see him shamed and placed a hand on his arm. ‘I am sorry I have offended you but the case still stands. I think I have a right to know what part the….. you never did tell me her name…. the child will have in my life.’
Simon wanted to say she need never see Monica’s daughter. But society knew of the child’s existence. Sending her to live with her grandmother had been seen as logical at the time. Girls in general were not highly regarded until they were of marriageable age but most widowers remarried to provide a mother for their children. He did not care what people thought of him but Bea was vulnerable. He did not want her to be seen as a cruel, uncaring step-mother.
‘Must we discuss it now? I will take you to meet her before we decide.’
‘Her name?’ Bea prompted, determined to make Simon see the little girl as a person and not just a reminder of her mother.
‘It’s Cynthia. I am not proud of the fact that I insisted on the name. I meant the sound of it to remind Monica of her perfidy. She just laughed and called me a fool.’
‘Oh, Simon,’ Bea rested her head against his shoulder. ‘We all do things on the spur of the moment that we regret later.’ She gave a bitter laugh. ‘Look where it got me.’
It was Simon’s turn to comfort. ‘Eventually, it got you here, where you belong.’ He suited words to actions and took her into his arms. They did not kiss. This was a moment of connection, a silent commitment that could not be put into words or blurred by passion. With his cheek resting on her hair, Simon accepted Bea’s love as a wonderous gift. She could see his faults, would try to help him overcome them and love him even if he failed.
