Elias knew that he and Amos were going to be in big trouble when their parents got home. He had stayed away from his brother as best he could, but they’d been forced to work together on the house the past couple of days, which they’d done without speaking. It seemed to Elias that their grandfather had intentionally assigned them projects that forced them into the same work space.

  Amos had spent the past few nights sleeping on the couch downstairs, which was fine by Elias. Then his brother would go upstairs to get dressed in the morning after Elias came downstairs. Elias knew it couldn’t go on like this forever, and he’d prayed a lot about what happened. In his mind he’d forgiven Amos, but his heart was having trouble catching up. He wanted to ask Amos how he could do such a thing. But even more, he wondered how Elizabeth could have mistaken Amos for him, unless she was longing for more than Elias had given her. He wasn’t one to write mushy poems like his brother. Didn’t she know that about him? And he wasn’t as soft-spoken or shy as Amos. Didn’t Elizabeth recognize that difference?

  He sighed. The kisses. Couldn’t Elizabeth tell that she was kissing someone else? He leaned down to tie his shoelace. Daadi had said that there would be no work on the house today because of the weather.

  Amos walked into the room as Elias walked out. Once again they avoided eye contact or speaking.

  Elizabeth had searched her heart and tried to sort out her feelings for Elias and Amos, trying to forgive herself for her role in all of this. But after a few days alone with her thoughts, she was sure that Amos was the one for her. Not Elias.

  It was terrible, what Amos had done, but Elizabeth knew she wasn’t innocent either. Amos did what he did out of love for her, and she’d responded in kind. Amos had wanted her so badly that he’d taken risks, penned her beautiful poems, and even betrayed his own brother. She didn’t feel good about that last part, but deep within she was flattered that he would go to such extremes.

  Now she just had to tell Elias that she wanted to be with Amos. It was a horrible situation, but both of them needed to know how she felt. If she’d been meant to be with Elias, she could have never fallen into another man’s arms. In a dark place in the back of her mind, she felt smug that she had her choice of the two men.

  She leaned up against the headboard, glad to have some quiet time to think. She pictured herself and Amos lying next to each other in bed after they were married. Amos would read her a poem he’d written just for her, then he’d ease over next to her, holding her gently in his arms.

  Opening her eyes, she couldn’t help but think about Elias. His ways were more abrasive, even his kisses weren’t as soft and gentle as Amos’s, yet his outgoing nature, strength, and confidence were qualities that had drawn her to him in the first place.

  She tapped a finger to her chin. Too bad she couldn’t roll them both into one and make the perfect man; a nice mix of gentleness and manliness, making her laugh when she needed to, or writing her sweet poems that spoke to her heart.

  But that wasn’t the way it worked, so she’d chosen Amos.

  It obviously wasn’t a matter of looks. Most folks couldn’t tell Elias and Amos apart. Elizabeth grinned, knowing she wasn’t one of those people. No, it was Amos’s poems that sealed the deal and showed her what she really wanted and needed in a partner.

  Tomorrow she would go talk to them both. Hopefully both Elias and Amos would have calmed down by then.

  Eve didn’t wait while Benny paid the driver, nor did she stick around to help him unload the supplies they’d brought home or their luggage. She hurried up the sidewalk, knowing her stomach wouldn’t calm down until she saw that everyone was okay.

  It was almost the supper hour, and the scent of something simmering on the stove hit her as she opened the door. Breathing in the aroma of her mother’s good meat loaf, she almost choked when she saw Elias walk across the room in front of her.

  “What happened?” She rushed to him and reached up to cup his cheek as the churning in her stomach intensified. His eye was black and blue, and a scab was forming on his lip.

  “Amos looks worse.” Elias’s voice sounded almost proud as he spoke, and Eve was still confused when her mother walked into the room.

  “Ach, I didn’t hear you come in.” Mamm locked her hands in front of her, bit her bottom lip, and narrowed her eyebrows. Then she looked at Elias and spoke in a firm tone. “Best to go help your daed with the luggage.”

  Elias pulled his coat from the rack and went outside. Eve waited until the door closed behind him before she said anything.

  “What’s going on? And what did Elias mean about Amos looking worse?” Eve just stood there, a hand to her chest, her coat still buttoned. “What happened?”

  Her mother waved a hand. “Come to the kitchen before I burn supper.” She shook her head. “It’s been a mighty mess around here since you’ve been gone.”

  For the next few minutes Eve listened to her mother describing what happened between the twins. All the while Mamm’s right hand shook viciously as she struggled to stir a pot of beans on the stove. Eve was surprised her mother hadn’t yet dropped the spoon.

  After Mamm was finished, Eve rubbed her eyes as she tried to sort it all out. She had always thought that Amos was the more sensitive of the two boys, and she felt guilty for being surprised that it happened this way when she could have more easily seen Elias doing something like this. She looked up when she heard the front door open and close. Peeking around the corner, she saw Elias and Benny carrying luggage toward the stairs.

  “And . . .” Mamm spun around to face Eve. “If all that isn’t enough, there was a big giant lizard living under my dresser, which I have since learned is named George and lives in a cage upstairs in the closet.”

  Eve clamped her mouth tight and avoided her mother’s eyes. “Oops. Guess we should have told you about George.”

  “Well, someone should have. Especially when he escaped.” Mamm sighed. “I thought I was hallucinating . . .” Her mother didn’t finish, but instead lifted her chin and turned back to the beans.

  Eve knew that her mother was thinking of the time when Mamm had called her Minnie, something they still hadn’t talked about. “I’m sorry that happened.” Eve was sorry about both instances, but she didn’t specify which she meant. “I guess we shouldn’t have left you with the boys.”

  Eve’s father walked into the kitchen then, shaking his head and grumbling.

  “Daed, what is it?”

  “Elizabeth is pulling up the driveway. One of the boys is out there—Amos, I think.” Daed pulled out his chair at the kitchen table. “I’m too old and hungry to monitor that situation right now, but someone probably needs to make sure both boys aren’t together around that girl, since they go all ab im kopp.”

  Eve walked to the window in the kitchen. A full moon lit the yard. Their people had their superstitions about the power of the full moon, as well as lots of other things, but Eve had never believed in such things. Although, today . . . she couldn’t help but wonder if the moon didn’t have something to do with the troubles her boys were having.

  “Sit. We will pray and eat.” Her father spoke with authority, but Eve didn’t move. She wasn’t hungry. Holding her spot at the window, she watched Elizabeth walk across the yard toward Amos.

  She knew she’d never hear the end of this from Mamm. She would have to listen to what a bad mother she was, how the boys had too many freedoms, and on and on. She waited until her father raised his head from prayer, then asked, “How much longer on the haus?” It had only been three weeks, and one of those weeks she and Benny had been away.

  “Big Ben will be surprised when he sees how much we got done while you were traveling.” Her father reached for a slice of butter bread. “I think probably in a couple of weeks you can go back. Everything might not be perfect, but it will be livable.”

  Eve nodded as she forced a smile, then joined her father and mother at the table.

  Elizabeth stepped out of her buggy, and Amos was quickly by her side.

  “It’s t-too cold for you t-to be out, Elizabeth.”

  “I had to see you.” She glanced around him to make sure no one was on the porch, especially Elias, then she touched his arm. “Does it still hurt?”

  He reached up and touched his face, flinching. “A—A little. It’s okay, though.”

  She glanced around him toward the porch. “Where is Elias?”

  “He was helping mei daed carry luggage upstairs. D-Do you w-want me to get him?”

  “Nee.” She reached up and touched Amos on the cheek and smiled. He must have thought she was here to make amends with Elias. “I’m so sorry that this happened, but . . .” She took a deep breath. “I know that it’s you I want, Amos. Your sweet words have won my heart.” She smiled. “And your gentle ways.”

  Amos hung his head for a moment, then looked back at her as his eyes darkened with emotion. “I don’t think I showed my gentle ways by fighting with mei bruder.”

  “You were fighting for the girl you love,” she said softly, gazing into his one opened eye. And you won.

  “You’re shivering, Elizabeth. You shouldn’t have come this late.” Amos’s teeth chattered as he spoke. “But since you’re here, I have something very important to tell you.”

  Elizabeth brought a hand to her chest as she felt herself blush, knowing he was surely going to tell her that he loved her. “Oh, Amos . . .”

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  SOMEHOW THEY’D ALL GOTTEN THROUGH THE REST OF the week and worship on Sunday, even though Elias had said he was sick and asked to skip church. Eve had agreed, knowing it might be a bad situation with both boys and Elizabeth at church. Eve still didn’t know much about what was going on, only that her younger sons were not speaking to each other. If Elizabeth had made a choice between her boys, no one had mentioned it to Eve. But she did notice that Amos and Elizabeth seemed to be keeping their distance from each other during worship service and afterward. Maybe Elizabeth chose Elias?

  With no snow in the forecast, Benny, her father, and the boys had all left early this Monday morning. Eve was ready for a lecture from her mother about her sohns’ behavior, but she would avoid it as long as she could. She curled up in the chair with the recipe box, but she could hear her mother upstairs. And she was talking. To herself.

  Eve sighed, put the box on the table by the chair, and walked up the stairs. Her mother’s voice grew louder the closer Eve got.

  “You’re not such a bad fellow,” Eve heard her mamm say.

  “You and George are friends now?” Eve grinned from the threshold as she folded her hands in front of her. Mamm was leaning down in the closet talking to George through the cage.

  But when her mother stood up and faced her, Eve gasped. Both of her mother’s arms were jerking and shaking. “Mamm, we need to go see Dr. Knepp.”

  “No.” Her mother stood taller, but the shaking only grew worse.

  “Why not? Don’t you want to feel better? Don’t you want medicines that will help with the shaking?” Eve didn’t give her a chance to reply. “Things are changing, Mamm. And change can be gut. Going to see an Englisch doctor isn’t forbidden by the bishop. Neither is having more modern kitchen appliances or using a sweeper in the kitchen.” She could hear her voice rising, but seeing her mother like this frightened her. “It just doesn’t make any sense. These things do not take away from our relationship with God.”

  Her mother gripped her hands together in front of her, but her shoulders still bounced forward as she edged closer to the bed and sat down.

  Eve couldn’t stand to see her suffering like this. “Mamm, please. Let’s go get you something that can help you.”

  “I’m fine, Minnie. Just let me be, and I’ll be better soon.”

  Eve’s eyes filled with tears. “It’s me, Mamm. Eve.” She eased closer, squatted down in front of her mother, and put one hand on her leg. “It’s me.”

  “I know that.”

  Eve could feel her mother’s leg tense from her touch, so she pulled back her hand, but she wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around her and comfort her. “You called me Minnie.”

  “I must have been thinking about Minnie.” Mamm shrugged her shoulders as spasms still shook her.

  Eve stayed where she was. Please, Lord, help me to say the right things. Help me to help her. She blinked back tears, longing for a different kind of relationship with her mother, yet fearful to open herself up to more hurt. But the words sprang from her mouth. “I love you, Mamm.”

  Her mother locked eyes with Eve. “I’ve been a bad mother, haven’t I?”

  “No. You haven’t.” Just tell me you love me.

  “I know you think all of this change among our people is gut. But I don’t agree, Eve. And I don’t think I ever will. The more we stray from our ways, the more it scares me.”

  Eve bit her bottom lip, struggling not to cry. Just wrap your arms around me and say you love me.

  “They’ll lock me up. The Englisch doctor will.” Her mother’s gaze drifted over Eve’s shoulder, her expression blank.

  Eve’s jaw dropped. “What? They won’t lock you up, Mamm. They might ask you to have some tests, but they won’t lock you up. You just need some medicine to help you with the symptoms you’re having.”

  “They locked up mei mudder.” Mamm paused, still staring over Eve’s shoulder. “Because she was crazy. And not so gut of a mother, I might add.”

  Eve didn’t know much about her grandparents; they had both died before Eve was born, and her mamm never really talked about them. “What do you mean, they locked her up?”

  “She had the crazies. I guess like I do.” Her mother’s gaze didn’t leave the faraway place over Eve’s shoulder, but her eyes filled with tears. “Your father wouldn’t do gut without me, though.”

  “You’re not crazy, Mamm. These hallucinations are from the Parkinson’s disease. I read about it, and problems with your mind can be a symptom.” Again the urge to pull her mother close was overwhelming, but she didn’t move.

  Finally Mamm shifted her gaze and locked eyes with Eve. “I was so careful with you growing up. I never wanted to hurt you.”

  Eve narrowed her eyebrows. “What are you talking about?”

  Mamm was quiet for a few moments.

  Eve’s knees were cracking, so she eased herself up and onto the bed next to her mother and waited for her to continue.

  “If I’ve been critical of the way you raised your kinner, it’s only because I feared that the freedoms they have will pull them from our district.”

  “I don’t want them to leave, but they deserve a chance to experience Englisch freedoms during their rumschpringe. And it’s always been done that way.” Eve paused, sighing. “Except in our haus when I was growing up.”

  Her mother hung her head. “I know you don’t think I’m a gut mudder, Eve, but I did the best I could.”

  “I have never said you were a bad mother. I just want to feel . . .” Eve shook her head. “Never mind.” She shouldn’t even have to say it. It should be obvious.

  Her mother stood up from the bed and turned to face Eve. “Danki for doing the recipes. It will be a big help to me.”

  Eve jumped up off the bed. “Don’t you do that!” She couldn’t recall ever yelling at her mother before, but as tears threatened to choke her words, she went on. “Every time we start to have a meaningful conversation—about anything—you change the subject. Why can’t you tell me you love me, Mamm? You’ve never said it! I don’t even remember you hugging me. Was I so awful a child that you couldn’t even hug me?” She pointed a finger at her mother. “Mei kinner will never feel that way. I tell them I love them all the time.” She sniffled. “And I hug them.”

  “Is that what you think, Eve, that I don’t love you?” Mamm was shaking so bad that her voice trembled as she spoke. She clasped her hands in front of her, but it did little to help. Her eyes filled with tears. “I’ve loved you since the day God graced me with the gift of you. Every breath I’ve taken has been for you.”

  Eve knew her parents had wanted more children but were never able to have any. So many times Eve had longed for a brother or sister.

  “Really?” Eve rolled her eyes, then brushed tears from her cheeks. “Because except when we were cooking together, I never felt it.”

  Mamm briefly smiled. “The times we cooked together were my favorites too.” Then she frowned, pulling her eyes from Eve’s. “I never wanted to be like my mother. She was so . . . strict . . . with Minnie and me. Sometimes she’d just beat Minnie like you beat the dust out of a rug. I thought if I stayed distant from you, then I’d never be tempted to be like mother, like daughter.”

  “You never touched me.” Eve swiped at her eyes.

  “I know. I guess in my mind it was safer that way. I’m sorry, Eve. And I’m sorry for judging you for the way you’ve raised your kinner. It’s not my place to judge. Only the Lord can do that.” She locked eyes with Eve. “And I know we’ve disagreed about so many things, but all this change going on among our people frightens me.”

  “It doesn’t have to, Mamm. Change can be a gut thing.”

  Her mother hung her head. “Nee, I don’t think so.” She tried to steady the shaking in her hands, arms, and shoulders. She looked at Eve as a tear rolled down her cheek. “Look how much I’m changing.”

  “We can get help with that.” Eve closed her eyes for a moment, then reached for her mother’s hand, grabbing it so firmly that there was no chance her mother could pull away. “I’ll make a bargain with you.”

  Her mother’s eyebrows shot up.

  “If you’ll let me take you to the doctor, then I won’t say another word about upgrading the kitchen with more modern appliances, a sweeper for the kitchen, or anything else.”

  “You’re sure they won’t lock me up the way they did mei mudder? She was an awful woman most of the time, but I loved her and missed her just the same when she didn’t come home.”

  “I will never let anyone lock you up. I will always take care of you.”

 

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