Dream On (Dare to Dream Book 2), page 26
“I gotta say, I don’t get it,” she stated. Kris swallowed anxiously and Seamus crossed his arms over his chest as Van looked from one to the other. “Why didn’t you just tell us?”
Kris shrugged. “I-”
Seamus interrupted. “It was a test, to see how long it would take you to work it out for yourself. You failed, by the way,” he added with a wicked grin, and Van rolled her eyes at him and grinned back.
“Yeah, sure. Tell the truth, you were ashamed,” she teased Kris, whose face only got redder even as she shook her head in denial. “Well anyway, this is good news. Now I can go to Florida without worrying how you’re going to get all the work done around here while I’m gone.”
“Happy to be of service to you,” Seamus said drily as Van left, the washhouse door shutting behind her with a bang. He looked at Kris. “Well, now they know.”
“Yes they do.” She started rummaging through the bags of groceries on the table, her back towards him. “They seem like they’re okay with it,” she said over her shoulder, her voice tentative.
“Would you give up worrying about them for five seconds?” Seamus asked, wrapping his arms around her from behind and kissing the curve of her neck. “Trust me, they’re almost as happy as I am.”
Marley’s hands were shaking as she dialled, and she took a steadying breath as she listened to the phone ringing down the line. Moments later, Bubbles answered.
“Hello.”
“Hey, it’s Marley.”
“I know. I have your number programmed into my phone.”
“Right.” Marley stared across the room at the large Pony of the Year sash hanging on the opposite wall, and her breath caught in her throat. That one piece of fabric represented years of hard labour, months of dedication, hours of anguish, and mere minutes of fleeting glory.
“What’s up?”
“I’ve been thinking about Cruise, and I might know a way to help.”
“I’m all ears,” Bubbles said quickly. “What is it?”
“Stop schooling him.” Marley listened to the silence on the other end of the phone, then Bubbles cleared her throat.
“What?”
“Just ride him for fun. Hack him out, take him to the beach, ride him bareback. Go hang out with him in the paddock with no agenda. I used to do my homework and eat dinner in the paddock just so I could watch him graze…” Marley swallowed hard around the lump in her throat. “I think you’ve put too much pressure on him. He’s not naturally competitive – he doesn’t do it because he wants to win. He just wants to please his rider. So you have to make him want to do it for you, because he loves you.”
The words were hard to say, but they had to be said. Marley was never going to get Cruise back – he was Bubbles’s pony now and she had to accept that. And if this advice worked, and made him happier, then it was the right thing to do. Even though it would hurt to see him whinny to Bubbles the way he whinnied to her, and to jump for her the way he’d jumped for Marley. Doing it all for her, saving nothing for himself. But it would be worse to let him go on as he was.
“Okay. I’ll try that.” Bubbles’s scepticism seemed to have waned, and she sounded enthusiastic. “I do take him to the beach every couple of weeks, but I’ll go more often.”
“And go bareback. In a halter,” Marley insisted. “Give him freedom, let him play up. Let him buck and roll and splash and be silly. Don’t treat him like a show jumper – treat him like a Pony Club pony.”
“Okay, I’ll definitely give that a go. Thanks.”
“Let me know how you get on.”
“I will.”
Marley hung up and flung herself backwards onto her bed, staring up at the ceiling and trying not to cry. She heard footsteps outside her room, then there was a tap at the door and Jake’s head poked through.
“Thought I might find you up here.”
“Hey.” Marley smiled and opened her arms wide, knocking her History textbook that she was supposed to be studying onto the floor. “Come on in.”
Jake grinned, walking into the room and kicking the door shut behind him. He lay down on the bed next to her, wrapping an arm around her and dropping a kiss on top of her head.
“I’ve hardly seen you all week.”
Marley snuggled up against his shoulder. “I know. I’ve been busy.”
“With Mihi.” A strain came into his voice that he couldn’t quite hide, but Marley didn’t show any sign of hearing it.
“And the ponies. And school,” she added, sighing deeply.
“Such a busy life.”
“Yeah well, idle hands and all that.”
“So you’re not avoiding me then.” He tried to make his voice light, but failed miserably.
Marley propped herself up on one elbow and looked at him. “Course not. Why would you think that?”
Jake shrugged, not meeting her eyes. “I dunno. You’ve just been more quiet than usual. I thought maybe I’d done something wrong.”
She shook her head. “It’s not you. It’s me.” Jake’s heart plummeted as she spoke, and he tried to remain calm even as she flung herself back onto the bed on her back and stared at a big black sash on the opposite wall. “It’s Cruise.”
“Oh.” His breath seemed to come back all at once.
“I just talked to Bubs. Gave her some advice on how to get him going better.”
“That was nice.”’
“It might not work.”
“I’m sure she appreciated it anyway.” He stroked her hair back off her face, and Marley sighed heavily.
“Yeah.”
“You really miss him, don’t you?”
Marley nodded. “I thought it would get easier, but it hasn’t. I don’t think it ever will. And it was a bad idea to ride him. I should’ve said no.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“I don’t know. I guess I felt guilty that he wasn’t going well for her, and I thought maybe he would feel all wrong and I could help her find out what the problem was. But if I’m being honest, part of me wanted it to happen the way it did. For him to prove that it was just because he didn’t love her like he loves me. I thought that’d make me feel better, but it made it worse, because now I know he misses me as much as I miss him.”
“Do you think that’s true?” Jake asked casually, his heart rate almost back to normal now. Marley twisted around and looked at him with a frown.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I mean, he’s just a horse.”
“He’s a lot more than that!” Marley was sitting up now, and her eyes flashed. “When I’m with him, when I’m riding him, he’s like an extension of myself. I feel incomplete without him.”
“Okay, I’m sorry, I get it,” Jake said, backtracking swiftly.
Marley shook her head, but her expression softened. “You don’t get it, but I wouldn’t expect you to. It’s not something that comes along all that often. I’ve had dozens of ponies, ridden hundreds, and I’ve never felt anything like that with any horse other than him.”
“True love, huh?”
“Something like that.” She lay back down and he put his arm around her, holding her tight.
“I do get it, you know,” he said softly.
“Oh yeah?”
“Only feeling complete when you’re with someone else? The other half of you that you didn’t know was missing?” She nodded, and Jake summoned his courage. “That’s what…that’s how I feel when I’m with you. I care about you more than anyone else I’ve ever known.”
Marley jolted in surprise. “You do?”
He nodded. “I love you.” He couldn’t remember saying those words before, let alone meaning them. His heart started pounding again, so hard that it was ringing in his ears. So hard that Marley could feel it thumping as her head lay against his chest.
“Wow.” Marley didn’t know what to say. Tell him that you love him too, said the voice in her head. Tell him what he needs to hear. Even if you’re not sure that it’s true. But she couldn’t do it. Too many people had lied to Jake over the years. She refused to be another one. And yet, if she didn’t say anything… She looked into his mismatched eyes as he watched her nervously, and tried to find her voice.
“Marley!” The call came from downstairs, and Marley sat up quickly and yelled back.
“What?”
“Dinner!”
She turned back to Jake, who was sitting up and straightening his t-shirt, trying to look casual. “You hungry?” He just shrugged, and her heart ached for him. “Jake, I…”
He stood up, brushing past her. “It’s okay. You don’t have to say it.”
“I want to,” she insisted, but he shook his head.
“Only if you mean it.”
She said nothing, and he opened the door and headed towards the stairs, his shoulders tight with tension. Marley caught up to him and grabbed his hand, turning him to face her.
“Give me time.”
“To the happy couple.”
Van held her glass up, and Marley immediately lifted hers as well. Kris shot Seamus a slightly embarrassed look, which he countered by lifting his glass high and clinking it soundly against Van’s.
“Welcome to the family,” she told him, and he laughed.
“Steady on,” Kris muttered.
“Pleasure is all mine,” he assured them. “Your family are almost as mad as my own, so I’ve been feeling right at home from the start.”
“He’s practically family anyway,” Marley replied, then took a large gulp from her water glass. “Oh, Kris and Seamus are officially a thing,” she explained to Jake. “In case you couldn’t already tell.”
Jake nodded, a light smile crossing his lips. “Yeah, I’d kinda figured that one out.”
Marley grinned, Kris frowned and Van set her glass down with a thunk. “What am I, blind?”
“Clearly.” Marley turned to Seamus. “So, tell us about your family.”
A flicker of a frown crossed his face as he speared his broccoli with a fork. “Oh now, I wouldn’t want to bore you at the dinner table. Why don’t you tell us all in excruciating detail exactly what each of your ponies did today?”
Van chuckled as Marley shot him a dirty look. “Just for that, I will. Let’s see, I gave Seattle twenty minutes schooling in the arena, oh and by the way that mud rash on his left hind is clearing up nicely…”
Seamus tucked into his meal as Marley continued, shooting Jake a conspiratorial wink. Jake grinned into his mashed potatoes as he listened to Marley prattle on, his knee bumping against hers under the table.
Later that night, when dinner was over and Jake had gone home, Marley was on the phone with Mihi, trying to explain things.
“I need to talk.”
“Go for it.”
“It’s about Jake.”
She could hear the exasperation in Mihi’s voice. “You know how I feel about him.”
“Yeah I know, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this,” Marley told her. “So try and hear me out, okay?”
“Fine.”
“Okay, so we were hanging out in my room today, and everything was going well,” she started, but Mihi swiftly interrupted.
“Too much information!”
“Shut up, I didn’t say anything. We were just talking, so get your mind out of the gutter and concentrate.” Marley took a breath, wondering why she was bothering talking to Mihi about this. She knew how she was going to react, but she had to bounce her thoughts off someone. “He told me that he loves me.”
“Did he.” It wasn’t a question.
“And that he cares about me more than anyone else in his life.”
“And what did you say?” Mihi asked evenly.
“I said Wow. And then asked if he was hungry.”
Mihi laughed. “Of course you did.”
“Well Kris called me for dinner! But that’s not the point. I didn’t say it back.”
“Good.”
“Why is that good?”
“Because it means I haven’t completely lost you to the dark side.”
“Shut up. Try and be objective here,” she pleaded.
“Okay fine. So your problem is that he loves you, but you don’t love him back?”
“I do love him, just…”
“Not the way he loves you.”
Marley nodded, relieved that Mihi understood. “Exactly. It’s just that – I think those words mean so much more to him. There are lots of things in my life that I love. You, my sisters, my ponies, my friends. And I’ve got so much going on with school and shows and everything. And Jake has…me. It’s like he’s fixated all the love that he’s been storing up for so long onto one person, onto me, and made me the centre of his universe. And I just don’t know if I can cope with that.” She chewed on a torn fingernail. “Does that make me a terrible person?”
“No, it makes you a sensible person. That whole intense You’re the only thing in the world that I care about kind of love is for books and movies, not real life. In real life, that’s what leads to crazy stalkers and psycho killers.”
“Great,” Marley muttered.
“I’m not saying Jake’s going to go crazy and stab you,” Mihi told her. “Though I wouldn’t put it past him. I’m kidding. Probably. But if it scares you now, it’s not going to get better unless you do something about it.”
“Like what?”
“Break up with him.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because that would destroy him. He’s been turned away by so many people in his life, he’s scared of it happening all the time and I can’t do it to him again.”
Mihi huffed out an impatient breath. “Sure, but you can’t stay with him out of pity. That’s not fair on either of you. Besides, what’s your alternative? Start lying about how you feel, just to spare his feelings?”
“But it’s not…it’s not lying. Not really,” Marley argued.
“If it’s not lying to him, it’s lying to yourself. Either way, you both lose.”
* * *
Marley eased Gigi back to a trot and gave her a pat as she rode her back to where Kris was sitting in the middle of the arena.
“Nice. Much better.”
Marley nodded agreement. “Yeah, that definitely helped. Thanks.”
“No problem. I’m sorry I haven’t had as much time to help you lately as I should. I’ve just been so busy, you know-”
“With the paying customers? It’s fine, I get it. We need the money.”
“Yes we do.”
Marley walked Gigi on a long rein in a circle around her sister. “Do you think we’ll ever have enough money that we won’t have to worry about where every cent of it is going to come from?”
Kris shrugged. “Well, I don’t see any of us ending up with a high powered corporate desk job, so I’d say probably not.”
“Yeah.” Marley sighed and kicked her feet out of the stirrups. “At least we’re happy.”
“At least there’s that.” Kris got to her feet and looked out towards the yard. “Can you see if Cassie’s here yet?”
Marley glanced over from her higher vantage point and shook her head. “Not yet. Hey, can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” Kris said as she walked over to the jumps in the arena and started lowering them. Marley slid off Gigi’s back and unsaddled her, letting the pony loose to roll in the arena sand. After slinging her tack over the fence, Marley joined her sister at the treble combination.
“Has Seamus told you that he loves you?”
Kris dropped the pole she was holding, and Marley had to move quickly to avoid it landing on her foot. “What?”
“Was that an awkward question?” Marley asked with a smile, and Kris rolled her eyes.
“You think?” She lifted one end of the heavy pole back into its cup, trying to quell her furious blushing. “Yes, he has. Why?”
“Did you say it back?”
“Marley!” Kris shot her sister an irritated look, but Marley didn’t have the teasing expression she’d expected to see. Instead her green eyes looked troubled, and Kris frowned.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s just that…well, Jake said it to me and I didn’t say it back and now things are awkward between us, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
Kris stared at her sister for a moment. “He told you that he loves you?” Marley nodded, and Kris took a deep breath. “I had no idea things were so serious between you two.”
“Neither did I,” Marley replied quickly. “I mean, it’s only been like, a month or so. And it’s all been pretty PG-13 so far, but he really likes me. Like, really likes me. It’s a little overwhelming.”
“Seems that way. How do you feel about him?”
Marley bit her lip. “I don’t know. He’s great, he’s one of my best friends and we get on so well and we have fun together. But he’s also kind of awkward and shy, and he gets all quiet and non-responsive when things don’t go his way. And he’s jealous of Mihi, and she can’t stand him. She says I should just break up with him.”
“What do you want to do?”
“I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He’s had too many people trample all over him,” Marley said sadly. “I don’t want to just be another person who lets him down.”
Kris lowered the planks, thinking. “Sometimes you have to do what’s best for the other people in your life,” she said slowly. “And sometimes you have to do what’s best for you.”
Marley rolled her eyes. “Well that’s helpful,” she muttered sarcastically. “Which one do I choose?”
“Only you know that,” Kris said. “But don’t forget that he’s not the only one who’s had a rough time in the past few years. You might not think that your struggles compare with his, but that doesn’t make them any less valid.”
“Everyone’s pain is relative,” Marley said, recalling their conversation on the way home from Nationals. “But remember Bree, and what she did when her boyfriend broke up with her?”
Kris looked startled. “You think Jake would do something like that?”
“I…no.” Marley shook her head. “I don’t think so. Surely not.” She sighed, looking at Gigi, who was rolling happily on her back, rubbing sand into her glossy black coat. “Why did things have to go and get so complicated?”
