Maybe Meant to Be, page 24
Nick waved back, but I didn’t. I just grinned and threw my arms around him so we could kiss for all to see. I heard Reese say to Jack, “I fucking knew it.”
Unfortunately, Nick didn’t stay on the patio for long. “I don’t want Emma to find out like this,” he whispered after politely booting me from his lap, ex-girlfriend now in sight. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“You better.” I smiled, and not fifteen minutes later, Charlie was calling me. “Fantastic news!” I greeted him. “Now we both have boyfriends!”
But the line was silent for five long seconds, before I heard my best friend say in this trembling voice, “Please come, Sage.” He let out a choking sob. “I really need you.”
My heart dropped about ten million stories. “Charlie, where’s Luke?”
More uneven breathing and hiccups, and then, “Just please come.”
“I will.” I nodded quickly. “Where are you?”
“My room.”
“Okay, I’m on my way. Calm down. I’m coming as fast as I can.”
CHAPTER 34
SAGE
I didn’t usually wake up until 11:00 a.m. on Sundays, but that morning, I rolled out of bed at 9:53, when my phone buzzed with a new text. Passing on brunch today, Luke had written. Really tired.
Well, I thought, shifting into protective-best-friend mode, “really tired” or not, we need to have a chat.
I was at his door by 10:13, after creeping through Brooks’ eerily deserted common room and up to the top floor. I hesitated at first, thinking that maybe I shouldn’t wake him, but knocked on the door anyway. “Yeah?” I heard Luke call, and I jumped. He sounded very awake.
“Hey,” I said when I walked in. “We need…”
But I trailed off, suddenly speechless. Luke’s room was a colossal mess. His bed was a wreck—an explosion of pillows and blankets—and all his dresser drawers were open, clothes spilling out of them. “What are you doing?”
“Purging,” Luke answered, rifling through his closet and emerging with two checked button-downs. And he too, I saw, was a mess. His jaw was locked and his eyes red-rimmed. I stood there like a dumbstruck idiot while he crossed his tiny room and carelessly folded the shirts before tossing them in the box on his desk. My pulse pounded, realizing what he was doing.
“Luke, no,” I began. “Don’t—”
“I want it all gone,” he said, voice ice-cold. “I don’t want to look at any of it.” He turned away and dropped to his knees to ransack the drawers under his bed. I moved forward to see that the box was over halfway full: the two Vineyard Vines shirts, Charlie’s blue EDGARTOWN YACHT CLUB quarter-zip, the Prince Charming crown, a black-and-white ribbon belt, and at the very bottom, Charlie’s bracelets.
“You can’t do this,” I said, fingering the tie bracelet. “You guys are—”
“Done,” Luke finished, brushing past me. He picked up a pen and quickly jotted something down on a notepad before going over to his dresser.
My eyes welled up, remembering Charlie last night. I’d left him on his bed, wrapped up like a burrito in his comforter and bawling his eyes out. “He broke up with me,” he kept repeating, over and over, while I’d tried so hard to calm him down…but to no avail. Curfew had then called, and I hated knowing he cried himself to sleep.
“What went wrong?” I asked, a little nervous that Luke would snap at me for being nosy. But I needed to know.
I heard him sigh, and then he was next to me again, adding Charlie’s noise-canceling headphones to the mix of stuff. “We went to the movies,” he said, “and things were great. The seats were great, the movie was great, and he was great. Literally no one was there, so he held my hand the whole time.” He sighed again. “But later, we went to the ropes course to”—he shrugged—”you know.” He paused. “But then he…” His voice driffed away before coming back hard and fast like a boomarang. “And I realized I couldn’t do it anymore.”
“Did something happen?” I asked quietly.
Luke nodded. His voice was quiet too, but angry-quiet. “On the way back,” he said, “we heard someone, and what does Charlie do?” Luke pointed to a scrape on his cheek. “He pushes me into the goddamn woods. I took a branch in the face and tripped over a rock, all so Paddy fucking Clarke and Val didn’t catch us walking together.”
Suddenly dizzy, I sank down into Luke’s desk chair.
“Which makes it crystal clear,” he continued. “He’s not comfortable with who he is.”
My heart twisted. “Luke…”
Luke shook his head. “He’s not, Sage. Yes, he’s told you and Nick, but his parents still don’t know anything, after three whole months. He hasn’t told them about me. He said he would, but he hasn’t. The only reason I met them was because of you. He hasn’t done anything. He’s fine with them just thinking of me as ‘Luke from down the street.’” He sighed. “And it’s not even their street.”
“No, you’re not…” I tried.
He ignored me. “So I can’t do it anymore. I love him.” His voice wavered. “It’s probably unhealthy how much I love him, but I can’t go on like this. I’ve tried so hard to be patient, but I’m tired. I want to be with him for real. I want to hold his hand in public and for people to know that he won’t flirt with them because he’s with me. I want him to introduce me as his boyfriend, and I want everything we’ve talked about to actually happen. I want Virginia to happen.”
My stomach swirled with a feeling that he wasn’t just referring to their Charlottesville getaway. Charlie’s blue-and-orange windbreaker flashed through my mind.
“See?” Luke fell back on his bed. “He hasn’t even told you that.” He groaned. “Charlie Carmichael gets into one of the best schools in the country and tells no one.”
Suddenly I was crying. “No, Luke, he has.” I blinked, and remembered. Here we are, UVA! the Snapchat had read, but I really hadn’t picked up on the we. It was so subtle. But Charlie had said something, in his own way. I told Luke as much.
“That hardly qualifies,” he said, then smiled sadly. “I mean, now we’re stuck together. You know, since it was early decision.” He took off his glasses. “Binding.”
“Please don’t do this,” I whispered. “Don’t give up on him. He loves you. So much.”
“I know he loves me,” Luke said. But he’s not ready, and I am—I’m so ready.” He rubbed his eyes. “The timing isn’t right, Sage. I’m not going to pressure him, I would never pressure him. Everyone deserves to come out on their own terms, but we can’t go on like this. It won’t work.” He sighed. “We don’t work right now.”
* * *
I really didn’t want to, but I agreed to be Luke’s courier. I’d return Charlie’s things and get Luke’s back. “This is a comprehensive list of everything he has,” he said before I left, handing over a piece of paper. “Make sure you get it all.” And all I did was nod and say okay. I didn’t tell him I thought he was being harsh, maybe even cruel.
Then I set off for Daggett.
“Charlie?” I said, knocking on his door. “It’s me. Can I come in?”
No answer.
I pushed the door open anyway and found Charlie wearing faded sweatpants and Luke’s gray Adidas sweatshirt. My shoulders slumped; I didn’t need to check the list to know it was number one with a bullet. Charlie was curled up on his couch, and I saw his eyes were even worse than Luke’s—not just red, but bloodshot.
“Hey,” I said gently, tucking the breakup box behind his desk. “Did you sleep?”
His voice was a croak. “No.”
I joined him on the couch and took his hand. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “Why didn’t you tell me about UVA?”
Charlie didn’t answer.
I squeezed his fingers.
“I didn’t not tell you,” he said quietly.
“No, I know,” I said, eyes prickling as I noticed the blue-and-orange VIRGINIA pennant tacked up by his house flag. “But, why? Why there?”
“Because it’s exactly what I want,” he replied. “I told you: I want to get out of here, I want somewhere big, I want…”
“Him,” I guessed. “You want him.”
There was a beat of hesitation, but then Charlie nodded.
Oh, Charlie, I thought.
Right on cue, his head dropped into his hands. “I know I shouldn’t have done it, Sage, but…” His voice quavered. “I just found him, he just found me, and we don’t want to be apart.”
We don’t want to be apart.
I remembered thinking that back in eighth grade, when first hearing that the twins were applying to Bexley, and again this fall, during college application season. Now, I couldn’t help but feel a small burst of pride, knowing that even though my friends and I would be at different schools next year, nothing could truly separate us. We would be fine.
No, better than fine, I decided, thinking of Nick. We’ll be epic.
“But you know what’s happened.” Charlie looked up, tears streaming down his face. “Luke says that now isn’t our time. He says I’m not ready.”
I sucked in a deep breath. “Then get ready, Charlie.”
He shook his head. “I can’t.”
“Why not?” I asked. Like Luke, I wasn’t going to pressure him, but I was going to gas him up with confidence. It was my job as his best friend; I was going to encourage him that he could do anything. His life was his and his alone. “Yes, you’re gay, and that’s far from the easiest thing to tell your family, but you’ve come so far! I know, Nick knows, and nothing has changed. Absolutely nothing. We still love you, and your parents will too. There’s no reason to keep putting this off. If you want to be with Luke, you should to tell everyone the truth. Why are you so scared?”
“Because it’s too late,” he said. “Because I’m already him.”
I gave him a look, confused. “Because you’re him?”
“Yes.” His voice flatlined. “Because I’m him—I’m that guy. Bexley’s big man on campus. People think I’m that guy, my parents think I’m that guy, and I’ve worked so hard to make that happen.” He raked a hand through his hair. “I’ve known for years, Sage. I’ve known for years that I’m…the way I am. I’d notice some random kid’s eyes through his hockey helmet…or another’s smile on the soccer field. And Cal, of course. There was Cal.” He swallowed. “Girls are nice…all those girls were nice, but that’s it. Nice. The only reason I hooked up with them was to shield myself, to hide myself.” He shook his head. “To be the guy everyone wants me to be, expects me to be…”
“Well, not me,” I said when he trailed off, a lump in my throat. “I don’t want you to be that guy.” I hugged him. “And neither does Luke, and neither does Nick. We want you to be happy. We want you to be you.”
Charlie buried his face in my shoulder. “People will talk.” He shuddered. “It’ll be a shitstorm. I don’t understand why Luke can’t just wait for UVA. I’ll be better, then. I can’t handle it all right now.”
“Yes, you can,” I said. “Be brave, Charlie.” I paused, uneasy but unable to lie to him. Everybody talked, and he had a reputation. “Yes, people will be shocked, but you can count on me to hold any shitstorm’s umbrella.”
I waited for a laugh, even for the ghost of one, but Charlie didn’t chuckle.
“It’ll pass, Charlie,” I added. “Everyone loves you, no matter who you are. It’ll pass.”
Again, Charlie didn’t respond. He just cried harder.
CHAPTER 35
CHARLIE
Monday morning, I stared into my watery scrambled eggs, wishing they were one of Luke’s omelets. “Hey, are you going to eat that?” Matt Gallant pointed his fork at my plate. I glanced up to see that he’d already demolished his waffles. My stomach twisted, regretting not blowing off class to stay in bed. Maybe I’ll go to the infirmary, I thought. Sleep the day away.
“All yours,” I told Matt, right as Paddy joined us and let out a long sigh.
“Well, it was a good fight, gents,” he offered Cody his hand to shake. “But it seems a choice has been made.”
Matt spoke through a mouthful of eggs. “What’re you talking about?”
Paddy nodded toward one of Addison’s window tables: the flock’s table, where Nick sat in my seat. He was laughing and eating while Sage held one of his hands, hugging it to her chest. She looked extra-awake today. And yeah, I was happy for them, but it was hard to show it. I felt Paddy clap me on the shoulder. “You and Nick gonna be okay, Charlie?”
I didn’t respond, because Luke was there now. He dropped down next to Nina with only a mug of coffee. Look at me, I willed him. God, please look at me.
He didn’t, but I kept looking at him until I saw Nina reach out and touch his cheek. What happened? I knew she was asking, and my heart lurched—back to Saturday night, in the woods. It was like someone else had taken over my body. “Sorry,” I’d blurted after shoving him off the trail, clumsily switching on my phone flashlight while I glanced over my shoulder to make sure Paddy and Val hadn’t heard anything. “It was an accident.”
Luke had silently picked himself up off the ground. “I’m bleeding,” he said, voice devoid of anything. It made the hair on my neck stand up.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated, moving close to see how badly the branch had swiped him. “It was an accident.”
“No, it wasn’t.” He backed away from me. “No, it fucking wasn’t.”
“You’re right,” I whispered an excruciatingly long second later, because Luke and I didn’t lie to each other. “I’m really sorry.”
And it had been all downhill from there.
* * *
For the next week, and the one after that, I didn’t hang out with anyone after sports and dinner. I shut myself in my room and tried to dare myself to do it—call Mom and Dad and tell them. Some nights I practiced first, after pacing for an hour. “I have something to tell you guys,” I said to a family photo on my wall. “You’ve probably noticed I’ve been acting weird, and that’s because I’m…”
But I could never actually say it—my ears started ringing before the buzzword, like they always did. “Now that’s Charlie, right?” I’d overheard Party Guest #1 ask Party Guest #2 at this year’s Hardcastle Christmas party, while I waited for a drink at the living room bar. They were a few yards away, sipping glasses of wine.
“Yes.” The first woman nodded. “He is personality-plus and apparently always has a girlfriend, but for some reason, Whitney suspects he’s gay.”
“Oh,” the second woman said as I leaned against the bar, the ringing noise overwhelming. “Well, I wonder how Jay and Allison feel about that…”
That was what scared me shitless—I had no idea how they felt, or would feel. Because I couldn’t remember them doing anything but laughing off Aunt Whit’s probing questions, and we weren’t friends with anyone like me. Sage’s uncle, but not really. We’d never met. I knew they weren’t against it, but I figured it was different when it was their own son. Would I still have to call Luke my friend? I wondered. Even if they knew?
It was a total shot in the dark.
* * *
“So does the condo sound good to you?” Dad asked. It was around 10:00 p.m., and he’d picked up before I bailed on the call. First, we’d talked about his Valentine’s plans with Mom, and then about Granddad needing a hip replacement.
“What?” I jumped a little, Post-it Notes scattering. I usually hid them in my desk, but tonight I’d spread them out on my bed—all in Luke’s handwriting, from whenever he’d been in my room. The one I was holding said: You are my entire heart.
I loved how sappy Luke got on paper.
“Turks and Caicos,” Dad said. “Theo’s invited us down for your spring break.”
“Oh, cool.” I bit the inside of my cheek.
“Yup, we’re thinking deep-sea fishing.”
“Awesome.” My voice caught.
Because last month Luke had asked me to come to Grosse Pointe for break. “Come home with me,” he’d said after we opened a chocolate chip cookie-filled care package from his mom. “I want you to meet my family.”
But obviously, it wasn’t an option now. I collapsed back against my pillow—I missed him so much, it was crippling. We hadn’t talked in two weeks. Every night I fell asleep by holding my own hand, pretending it was his.
“Oh, listen,” Dad said, “I’ve gotta run. Mom wants to watch Top Chef. Anything you need me to tell her?”
My chest clenched. Yeah, there is, Dad. I can’t go fishing because I want to meet my boyfriend’s family. And you didn’t hear wrong: boy-friend. Because I’m—
“No, nothing,” I said before the ringing could start.
* * *
My body was in knots when I woke up the morning of Valentine’s Day. 5:15 a.m., my phone read. Why can’t you do it? I tossed and turned. Why can’t you just fucking do it?
So maybe because I knew he was still asleep, or maybe because I was aching for him, I texted Luke: I’m not as strong as you.
Ten seconds after I hit send, my phone buzzed:
Yes, you are.
CHAPTER 36
SAGE
“So how’d it go?” I asked Nick while we danced. It was officially Valentine’s Day, and Mortimer had reserved the music hall for their date party. In truth, the streamers and balloons weren’t the most elegant (the guys had decorated the place themselves), but they looked chaotically beautiful with the lights dimmed, and you could always count on Ed Sheeran to set the mood. Anyway, I didn’t really care…I was dancing with my boyfriend. He looks so adorable, I thought, gently running a hand through Nick’s flaming hair as he focused super hard on not stepping on my feet. He’s handsome in the daytime and adorable at night.
