Maybe Meant to Be, page 18
“‘Get off your knees, ref!’” Paddy quoted. “‘So you can stop blowing the game!’”
They all cracked up, Emma giggling alongside them. Mom shook her head, but even she was fighting a smile. “Really, Jay?” she said as my spine straightened. “Really?”
“And who was that one Ames kid?” Dad asked once we got our entrees. I glanced down at my chicken piccata; my swishing stomach not interested. “Number nineteen?”
“Dan Richards, left wing,” Nick said automatically. He knew every prep school player and their stats. “What about him?”
“Nothing,” Dad said. “Just that he…”
“Twirls,” Paddy said, snorting. “He twirls instead of sprints, like he’s figure skating.”
“That’s because he figure skated growing up,” Emma chimed in, her cheeks pinkening a little. She knew her stats too. And did extra research.
More laughter, but it was drowned out by this buzzing noise in my ears. I felt myself slump down in my chair when I saw Dad open his mouth, which was when Sage decided to come to life, straightening her shoulders. “Don’t come at men’s figure skating, Mr. Carmichael,” she said firmly. “If I’m remembering correctly, you lost it when Nathan Chen choked in PyeongChang, and cheered the loudest when Adam Rippon won his bronze.”
Everyone was silent until Dad chuckled. “I wouldn’t dare, Sage.” He raised his beer. “To Chen’s comeback in 2022!”
Mom toasted her wine. “Hear, hear!”
Meanwhile, I slipped away to the bathroom, sagging back against the door after I’d locked it behind me. It was a one-person sort of deal. “How’s it going?” I asked when Luke answered his phone.
“In the library, starting the footnotes,” he said. “What’s up?”
I swallowed. “We’re still seeing each other later?”
“If you hang up and let me finish, yeah.”
“Okay, cool,” I said, and then asked, “Was it a pain to write?”
“Nah, pretty straightforward. I’m not sure it’s my best effort, but it’s done.”
I shook my head. “I bet it’s groundbreaking.”
“Well, I’d read it first,” Luke said, “before such a sweeping declaration.”
I laughed. “I miss you,” I murmured, even though that was stupid. Luke and I had seen each other at breakfast. I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry, that probably sounds…”
“Would you like to stay over tonight?” he asked.
Would you like to stay over tonight? I ran a hand through my hair, wishing everyone wasn’t right down the hall. But another part of me didn’t care, didn’t care at all. Just thinking of Luke made my heart ignite. He made everything better. Everything would be better when I saw him.
“I mean, you’re allowed to do that, right?” Luke went on. “Sleep over in other houses?”
“Yes.” I nodded. “But we need to get permission.” I’d done it a few times this year to sleep in Nick’s room. All I had to do was text my housemaster, Mr. Fowler.
Luke laughed. “So get permission.”
I let out a deep breath. “Should I bring my sleeping bag?”
“Yeah, plus your pillow.”
“And you’ll handle the snacks?”
“Only if you have a few ghost stories prepared.”
I smiled. “They always were my specialty.”
* * *
We were all over each other about two seconds after Luke’s door slammed shut, once the lock had clicked into place. I was still in my coat and tie from the game, so he helped me shuck off my blazer while I unbuttoned his black peacoat. “That was really impressive,” he breathed when it hit the floor.
I kissed him. “Thanks. I’m really good at unbuttoning things.”
“I had a hunch.” He grinned and unknotted my tie so I could ditch my shirt. I grabbed his hat and flung it in some direction. We started to move backward, toward his bed. “Is this okay?” he asked, our hands everywhere. “Or should we leave and go climb onto the MAC’s roof?”
I laughed and kissed him again, remembering what I told him the first night we went up there. Leni Hardcastle and her rite of passage. “Nah,” I said, nervous but also feeling this warm burst inside me. Something amazing was about to happen. “Here’s great.”
Luke tackled me onto the bed. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” I nodded, and we both cracked up while we maneuvered his sweatshirt and T-shirt up and over his head.
“Holy shit, you wear so many layers,” I told him.
“Because I get cold easily.”
I grinned. “So high maintenance.”
Luke broke our kiss. “Says the person who clearly has separation anxiety.”
“Undiagnosed,” I said after the next one.
He rolled his eyes. “Uh-huh, sure.”
I hugged him close. “I just like hearing your voice.”
“Me too,” he said. “We have really great voices.”
“We do,” I agreed.
And then we didn’t use them for a while.
* * *
“I love you,” I whispered later. “I really fucking love you.”
Luke’s hand found mine. “That’s very cool,” he whispered back, entwining our fingers. “Because the feeling’s mutual.”
* * *
He watched me fumble to get dressed after the alarm went off at 7:15. This morning’s game was at 9:00 a.m. “Can I borrow a tie?” I asked as I buttoned my wrinkled shirt. It probably wasn’t a good idea if I wore mine two days in a row. Someone would notice.
Luke nodded. “Closet.”
I opened the door and grabbed the first one I saw, solid gray. I quickly knotted it and turned back to look at him. He was still under the covers, his hair an absolute train wreck. I smiled. “You’re adorable.”
He smirked. “So I’ve been told.”
“By who?” I pulled on my blazer.
“Well, let’s see…my mom, my sisters, my grandmother, Sage, Nina…”
I laughed and flopped down on top of him to say goodbye. “Yeah, I get it. Everyone’s in love with you.”
Luke shrugged. “Pretty much.”
“Must be tough.”
“I manage.”
“Will you come today?” I asked, sort of quietly. Mom and Dad were going to be there again, but it would be Sage making the introduction, not me. “My dear friend Luke!” was probably how she’d do it, exactly how I needed it to be. I wasn’t ready for more than that.
But suddenly I did want them to meet him.
If only for just enough time for a handshake.
“You should be there to see me suck,” I added, since I was exhausted. We hadn’t gotten much sleep. “There’s a high possibility I’ll get benched.”
“Of course.” Luke grinned. “I’ll text Sage, and we’ll get coffee first.”
I grinned back and hugged him hard.
CHAPTER 23
SAGE
I was with Luke when I got an email from Daggett House, saying Charlie had “cordially invited” me to their Tacky Christmas dinner this week. Last year Paddy had asked me, and we’d obnoxiously mimed gagging ourselves while Charlie and his fling-at-the-time canoodled over decorating Christmas cookies.
“I feel kinda bad,” I admitted after Luke skimmed the invitation. We were at the bakery in town, waiting to get cupcakes for Reese’s birthday. “You should be his date, not me.”
Luke shrugged. “Better you than someone else.”
I laughed, but it felt forced.
“Just don’t get too handsy with him,” Luke warned. “I hear he’s taken.”
“Noted,” I said as we moved up in line.
“What can I get for you kids?” the friendly-looking woman behind the counter asked.
“We’ll take a dozen, please,” Luke replied, and I listened as he relayed our Reese-approved selection, ending with: “And one Boston Cream in a separate bag.”
My brows knitted together. “Is that last one for you?”
He smiled and rolled his eyes. “Of course not.”
We paid for Reese’s birthday goodies and then headed back to campus. “Where’s Charlie?” I asked after we made room in Brooks’ fridge for our white bakery box. I shook the brown paper bag. “You gonna deliver his special treat?”
Luke shook his head. “Nah, I thought you could do that. I have to call Keiko Morrissey, Esquire, about a very important matter.”
I sighed. “He’s going to be so disappointed.”
“He shouldn’t be…after all, you’re his date to the Christmas thing.”
“I thought you said you didn’t care.”
“I don’t.”
My eyes narrowed. I couldn’t tell if he was bullshitting me or not. “Where is he?”
“Knowles Basement.”
I nodded. “You want me to give him a message?”
“Yeah.” Luke smirked. “Tell him he has to settle up with me tonight.”
* * *
Daggett’s date party was the same day a bunch of early college decisions came out, including Yale, UVA, and my first choice. Jennie had gotten into Stanford yesterday (I’d abandoned my math homework and raced down the hall to congratulate her after hearing her happy scream), and at 5:00 p.m. tonight, I could finally find out my own fate. Although it would really be later than that, since I’d decided I wouldn’t check until after the party. Charlie was still staying pretty quiet on the college front. All he’d said was that he’d applied to several schools EA, and one ED.
He wouldn’t reveal anything else, but after the party, where everyone had been decked out in ugly Christmas sweaters, Charlie suggested we take a campus stroll. We walked in silence for a few minutes, passing by the girls’ houses and the library, and then Charlie spoke. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry for us not getting to hang out lately.”
“Oh,” I said, somewhat surprised. Yes, he and I hadn’t hung out one-on-one for a few weeks, but I wasn’t hung up on it or anything. We saw each other all the time at meals, and I’d lost track of how many “dates” to the movies or Pandora’s I’d gone on with him and Luke.
“It’s totally my fault,” he continued. “I spend all my time with him…”
I squeezed his arm. “Hey, relax. It’s okay. You really dig him, I get it. I don’t feel neglected or anything. I feel like we hang out tons.”
“We don’t make you feel like a third wheel all the time?”
I shook my head. “No, not usually. In my mind, I’m hanging out with my two best friends.”
Charlie nodded. “Okay, good.”
“Yeah, good,” I echoed, and forced my best smile. I really did love hanging out with Luke and Charlie, but at the same time, it could be so painful. Their inside jokes, their laughter, and the way they looked at each other…
It was a constant reminder of what I no longer had with Nick.
“So…” I ventured after another beat of silence. “Any news from Nick?” It was almost 8:00 p.m., so odds were he’d found out about Yale by now. I wondered if he’d been nervous…
Probably not, I decided, since Charlie had mentioned his brother getting a “likely letter” several weeks ago. It basically told him that he was guaranteed to get accepted as long as he didn’t screw anything up before official decisions were released. He had nothing to worry about.
Charlie laughed. “He’s probably ordering Yale-themed Christmas presents as we speak.”
He swiped into his phone to show me a text: RIDE OR DIE, BULLDOGS!
“Oh, I knew he would.” I let out a sigh of relief, breath visible in the cold air. “I bet the hockey coach would’ve burned down the admissions building if they didn’t accept him. Please tell him I say congratulations.”
Even though all I wanted to do was tell him myself.
“I will,” Charlie said, and then we randomly slowed to a stop in front of the chapel. “Should we check?” he asked. “You said your school was tonight…” He bit the inside of his cheek. “I have one too. Well, a couple, actually.”
I felt a jump of excitement. “Yeah, yeah, let’s do it.”
We pulled up our emails, Charlie glancing at me. “On three?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Okay.”
We moved closer together, and Charlie took a deep breath. “One…two…”
And when three arrived, I clicked on the link to my decision and watched it slowly load pixel by pixel. Dear Miss Morgan, finally appeared. We are delighted to offer you a place…
Time froze for a second, and I stared at the letter until Charlie elbowed me. “So?”
“I’m in.” I turned to look at him, heart pounding. “I got in! To Middlebury!”
“Middlebury?” he exclaimed. “Holy crap, Sage, yes! Fire up the confetti cannon!”
I grinned. Middlebury, up in gorgeous Vermont, with kick-ass academics and where I could ski and bike to my heart’s content. (“A reach,” my college counselor had called it, just like Yale and Bowdoin. “Who cares?” Nick had said when I told him that. “A reach doesn’t mean impossible.” He squeezed my hand. “Go for it, Morgan. Don’t just play it safe.”)
I need to text Nick, I almost said, but then remembered Charlie. “What about you? Thumbs-up?”
He nodded. “Johns Hopkins.”
“Oh, wow! Congratulations!”
“Thank you.” He smiled. “I got into UNC yesterday too.” His rubbed the back of his head. “I sort of want a bigger school…”
“So I’ve gathered.” I laughed and elbowed him. “But tell me where the big kahuna is. What’s your ED?”
He shook his head, a slight smile appearing. “I can’t, Sage. I want to, but…” He shrugged. “If it doesn’t work out, I don’t really want to dwell on it, let alone anyone else.”
“Yeah, okay.” I nodded. “I get that.”
After all, I hadn’t told him about Middlebury.
We hugged, and when Charlie pulled back, he opened his mouth to say something, but then his phone buzzed. “I need to go see Luke,” he said after scanning the message. “I’d like to tell him in person, and Virginia comes out soon, at eight…”
“And then you’ll talk about how much you’re going to miss each other?” I joked, since winter break started tomorrow. Mrs. Carmichael and my mom were driving down in the morning to bring us back to Darien.
Charlie smirked. “Oh, come on, we’re gonna do way more than talk…” He gestured to his tacky red jeans. “Have you seen me in these pants?”
“Okay, beat it.” I pushed him away. “I don’t want to hear any more.”
He didn’t need to be told twice, but then turned back to look at me. “Thank you,” he whispered.
“You’re welcome,” I said, giving his arm another squeeze. “Johns Hopkins and UNC. I’m so proud of you, Charlie.”
“I’m so proud of you too, Sage.” He paused. “But no, not that.” He shifted on his feet. “Thank you for protecting me.”
I tilted my head. “Protecting you?”
“Yeah.” He nodded. “I know that’s why you kept things with Nick a secret from everyone, to protect me. So they wouldn’t suspect…” He trailed off and shook his head. “You should hate me.”
Oh, Charlie, I thought, a lump forming in my throat. Oh, Charlie…
“I let people believe what they want to believe,” he said quietly. “You know they think we’re really in love, and I like it that way. I never deny it.” His voice wavered. “But that’s not fair to you, or Nick. If you wanted to be together again…”
Suddenly hope flared inside me. You’ll tell him? I came close to blurting. If Nick and I wanted to be together again, you’ll tell him the truth? About us? About you?
But when he trailed off, I instead heard my stupid self say, “No, no, stop. Stop right there. I could never hate you.”
“I could never hate you either.” Charlie smiled in relief, not noticing my shoulders sag in disappointment. He had no idea how trapped I was, how he was the only person who could rescue me. I still wasn’t sure if my someday with Nick should be now, but him learning Charlie’s secret? I wished it could be.
Charlie opened his arms for a good-night hug, and I stepped into them.
“You’re the best, Sage,” he whispered in my ear. “The best.”
No, I’m not, I thought as I wiped my runny nose on his coat. But I’m trying.
* * *
The walk from the chapel to Simmons wasn’t that long, but tonight, it seemed to take forever. Accepted! kept flashing through my mind as I dodged patches of black ice, but so did my unspoken: You’ll tell him the truth?
I stopped in my tracks outside my dorm…because two figures were standing out front holding hands, and even though the guy had a hat on, I somehow knew he was Nick. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes.
His girlfriend spotted me first. “Hey, Sage!” Emma called out. “Did you have fun tonight?”
“Oh hey,” I said, and forced myself to start up the pathway. “Yeah, it was tons of fun. Charlie and I got a standing O for karaoke.”
“Which song?” she asked.
I shrugged. “‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside,’ but Paddy’s ‘All I Want for Christmas’ was definitely better.”
“Oh my gosh.” Emma laughed, but Nick kept a straight face.
Then, right as we found ourselves in awkward territory, the front door thankfully opened. “Em, get in here!” Lucy waved her inside. “We’re watching the Hallmark channel, and your favorite’s on!”
Emma’s face lit up. “The one with the Christmas matchmaker?”
Lucy nodded.
So Emma and Nick’s goodbye followed. “Have a good break, Nick,” she said, moving in for a hug (thank goodness, because I so did not want to see them kiss). Then Emma stretched up and pressed her lips to his. I glanced at the ground, knowing I should’ve gone inside, but also wanting to wait so I could congratulate Nick.
“You too, Emma,” he said after. “Let me know when your flight lands.”
