Maybe Meant to Be, page 12
“Thank you,” I’d said and stared at the tie for a second. I couldn’t take it out of the box, knowing my hands would shake. So I just summoned a smile. “I’ll wear it all the time.”
“Wonderful to hear.” Aunt Whit smiled back. “Because unlike Theo, I worried that it wasn’t really you…”
At first, I’d sworn to never touch the tie, but one day, I found myself knotting it around my neck. From then on it became some sort of talisman, a sign of self-assurance. If I wore the tie, if I tried my best, I could be that guy. The chick magnet.
* * *
Everyone else showed up once Nick’s soccer game was underway. “Nina, over here!” Sage waved her arms back and forth, the crowd all of a sudden cheering. Bexley had scored the first goal.
“Luke knows to meet us here after he’s done,” Nina announced, helping herself to a root beer from the Yeti cooler we’d brought.
“When was his race again?” Sage asked.
“An hour ago. I went to see the start.”
“Ugh, you’re the best.” Sage smiled and handed Jennie a cream soda. We’d gone old school for the drinks. I looked over to see a handful of people in the stands staring at us. It was November, and we were acting like we were on a beach in July. I know, I wanted to tell them. We’re something else, all right.
For the rest of the first half, everything the girls said went in one ear and out the other. I sat there drinking my orange soda and watching Nick play goalie. It was pretty entertaining, since Ames, our rival school, was actually good. That’s my brother, I thought after he dove to redirect a shot. “Yeah, Nick!” Jack and Cody roared from the bench.
It wasn’t until halftime that I looked away from the field, someone tapping my shoulder. “First place?” I asked, expecting Luke—fuck, hoping for Luke—but instead, turned to see Val smiling. My stomach started churning.
I had tried—tried breaking up with her the other day, but it hadn’t happened. “I’m going to homecoming with Sage,” had been my grand opening line, and it so did not get the point across.
Val hadn’t even blinked. “Okay, that’s cool,” she said. “It’s your tradition, right? Going to the dance together?”
“Yeah, every year.” I avoided eye contact.
“Which is actually perfect,” she added. “Because the soccer girls are all going together…” She laughed. “I was worried about telling you. I didn’t want it to seem like I was completely ditching my boyfriend!”
Then she kissed my cheek, and my mouth went slack while the rest of me went numb. I couldn’t clarify, couldn’t do it. I couldn’t break up with her right then.
I was a horrible person, but I wasn’t that horrible.
Was I?
* * *
There were eight of us at homecoming dinner in town. Jennie’s date was the crew team captain, while Nina had Luke, and after weeks of shutting him down, Reese was going with Jack. “But this means nothing,” she’d said after telling him yes. “You should have zero expectations.”
Jack had nodded solemnly. “We’ll see.”
“It must be love,” Luke had whispered in my ear as we watched him walk away.
Of course my ball and chain for the night was the Sage Morgan—long blond hair rippling down her back, blue dress, and wearing the silver earrings I’d given her for her birthday last March.
“Will you marry me?” I asked after we hugged on Simmons’ patio, making her giggle. I forced myself to smile. I’m not entirely joking. Sometimes I thought stuff like this, what it would be like if Sage and I were together. If we could actually be the way people thought we should be. If I could actually be the way people thought I was.
Then my chest would clench, knowing it was impossible.
* * *
Bistro was sandwiched between the dry cleaners and Captain Smitty’s, and ranked somewhere in the upper-middle of town’s restaurants (the bottom was Peace Love Pizza, and the top was the Bluebird Inn). And dinner started off with a bang: Sage and I disagreed where to sit. While Nina and Luke moved to sit at one end of the table, Jack and Reese chose the other, and I wanted to sit with them. I just wanted to get lost in a conversation about hockey with Jack (he couldn’t skate to save his life, but the guy knew the NHL backward and forward). Sage had other ideas, though, yanking my arm toward Nina and Luke.
“What?” I asked. “Jack and I need to touch base on our fantasy teams.” We were in a pool with a bunch of Daggett guys, and as of now, Paddy was on top.
Sage laughed. “But I want to sit near Luke and Nina.”
I didn’t respond; instead, giving her a look that said, We’re actually going to fight about this?
She flashed me her brightest without-teeth smile. Yup!
“You guys gonna join us anytime soon?” I heard Jennie say, and when I turned to look at her, I saw that she and her date had taken the seats closest to Reese and Jack.
I sighed. Awesome.
“Yes, let’s sit.” Sage moved to sit next to Luke, leaving me to sit across from him.
It was the lesser of two evils, I guess—sitting across from him. That way we wouldn’t break off into a whispered side conversation, and I wouldn’t be tempted to knock my knee against his under the table. But still, I stood next to the chair for a beat, sort of hoping that someone would offer to trade seats.
Then out of nowhere, Luke appeared at my side and pulled out my chair for me. His arm brushed mine, and I steeled myself from the shudder that felt so good. “Happy now?” he asked.
Immediately my eyes went to the other end of the table, where the other four hadn’t seen anything, too busy listening to Jack talk about the Bruins. Then I sat down. “Thanks, Morrissey.”
“What was that?” Nina giggled.
He shrugged. “The musical just ended. He’s used to being treated like royalty.” He looked at me, and our eyes locked. “You seem to be missing your crown, though. Did you lose it or something?”
I nearly jumped, but hid it by leaning back in my chair and folding my arms across my chest. Neither of us had brought up my pop-in to his room that night until now. “I’m not sure,” I replied evenly. “Maybe I lost it…” I raised an eyebrow. “Or maybe someone stole it. Who knows?”
“Oh, well, that’s too bad.” Luke took a sip from his water glass. “It was a cool crown.”
“You think so?” I cocked my head.
“For sure,” he answered. “I think it—”
“Hello, my name is Isaac, and I’ll be your server this evening,” a new voice said. I blinked and looked away from Luke to see a bald guy standing at the ready to take our order.
“Hi,” Sage said pleasantly. “Could we possibly get a few more minutes?”
* * *
Just as we were finishing our appetizers, I glanced up to see Sage staring at something over my shoulder. Everyone else was oblivious, but I turned to see Nick. The first thing I spotted was his tie—it wasn’t the skull-and-crossbones with dancing parrots one he’d mentioned earlier; it was a plain old crimson-and-gray checked tie. His Mortimer tie. WTF? I thought.
Then I noticed who was with him: Cody, Lucy Rosales, and Emma Brisbane. They sat down at a table by the front window, with Nick pulling out Emma’s chair. She was smiling at him like he’d named a constellation after her. Bravo, Nick, I thought, since I’d suggested he invite her to homecoming. These Sage fantasies needed to end. Nick kept showing up at our dinner table, and while Sage was always friendly, nothing stopped her from texting as he talked. She wasn’t interested. C’mon, I planned to say if he hesitated. Emma’s cute, and really likes you, Nick. She doesn’t make cupcakes for just anyone. Ask her!
Although surprisingly, he didn’t hesitate. “I will.” He’d nodded. “Good idea.”
Sage was still eyeing their table a couple of minutes later. Her face looked a little pale. Luke noticed too. “You all right, Sage?” he asked before I could. “Shrimp not sitting well?”
“Oh, I’m fine,” she answered brightly, but then mumbled, “Her? Really?”
Because for whatever reason, Sage wasn’t a huge fan of Emma. “I just can’t explain it,” was how she phrased it. “But she irks me.”
But she’s nice, I wanted to say. She’s nice and won’t break his heart.
* * *
The homecoming dance went down in the PAC’s lobby, and it was my first dance of the year. There were two dance floors: one on the first floor, and then another on the second, which had its own lobby of sorts for the auditorium’s balcony. It was designed as an overlook for the downstairs lobby, so you could see the DJ and everyone else down below. Almost like a cruise ship.
Our group mostly stuck to the first floor, dancing together amid the sea of people at first, but then we swam off in different directions. Sage and I ended up next to a group of freshmen girls, and we swayed together for a while, even during the fast songs. She seemed a million miles away. Could she be jealous? I wondered. Because when we’d gone and said hello to Nick’s table on our way out of Bistro, I felt frustration radiating off Sage’s body. “You guys look great!” Emma had told us, and I knew it had taken everything in Sage to say, “You too! I love your dress.”
Meanwhile, I’d asked Nick why he bailed on the tie, and he kind of glared at me. “I guess I wasn’t feeling it.”
Now, though, Sage was checking out the second floor with Nina, and I was leaning against the wall near the DJ booth with Luke. We both had plastic cups of water (I wished it was something stronger) and he was holding his phone up, taking a video of Jack and Reese making out by the speakers. “For when she denies it,” he’d reasoned.
He cut it off about a minute in, after Mrs. Collings broke things up. My phone buzzed and I fished it out of my pocket to see a message from Luke. The music was way too loud to talk.
The question is, it said, do I put it in the group chat now? Or later?
I glanced over to see him smirking, and when we made eye contact, he raised an eyebrow. Which is it?
I went back to my phone. I say bombs away…
So eager, he replied.
I looked at him again and rolled my eyes. He laughed, and my breath caught—even though the music pretty much drowned it out, his laugh made my heart jump. It was the best sound. My fingers flew across my touch screen and then hit the send button before I really thought about it. I love your laugh, appeared in a blue bubble.
I watched Luke read the message, smile slipping off his face. Then his phone shook in his hands as he tapped a text back. My stomach dropped when mine pinged: Is there somewhere we can talk?
We made eye contact again, and Luke looked like I felt: scared as shit. I could see the nervousness in his eyes as I bit the inside of my cheek and nodded.
* * *
Down the hall, the Edelson Meeting Room was used as a greenroom for guest speakers, and I couldn’t decide whether I hoped it was already occupied or not when I opened the door and turned on the lights.
It was empty, and I swore loudly from the extreme brightness, squeezing my eyes shut. I hadn’t been in a decently lit room since before dinner. The room was dark again when I reopened them, and Luke had his iPhone illuminated. “We’re probably not supposed to be in here,” he said quietly.
“No.” I shook my head. “Probably not.” I fumbled to switch on my flashlight as well—I wasn’t sure it was a good idea for it to be so dark. I shined my way over to the couch, and my heart pressed down on the gas when Luke joined me. We sat in silence for what seemed like hours, and then Luke started to speak.
“Okay, I don’t want to be this type of person,” he said, not looking at me. “I never thought I’d be this type of person, someone who overanalyzes every interaction we have, right down to how many times we make eye contact.” He paused, took a deep breath. “So I’m just going to ask: Do you like me? As more than a friend? Because that’s what I’ve been getting from you, but maybe I’m completely delusional.”
I didn’t say anything.
“Because I like you, Charlie,” he added. “I like you so much…” He hesitated. “And I really hope you feel the same way.”
Charlie, I thought. He’d called me Charlie. I hadn’t heard him say my name since the first day of school, before we’d officially met. I remembered listening to his voice, wondering who he was—
But you can’t do this, I reminded myself. This cannot happen.
I shoved my sweaty palms under my legs and took a deep breath. “Morrissey…”
“Like that!” His excitement made me flinch. “You don’t call anyone else by their last name. Just me. And I think it’s a shield. I think calling me ‘Morrissey’ forces you to keep some type of distance between us. Never once have I heard you say ‘Luke.’”
I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. “But up until now,” I whispered, “you’ve called me ‘Carmichael.’”
“Yeah, well, I was trying to flirt with you,” he admitted. “And you know that.”
I said nothing. I did know that.
“And you walk me to class…”
I shook my head.
Luke called me on it. “Yes, you do, Charlie. I’ve seen your schedule. You have French when I have history, and we both know Knowles is nowhere near Buck.”
God, he is so with it, I thought, because he’d never let on that he noticed.
“And what about after the musical?” he continued. “I know you were drunk, but what was that?”
“It was nothing,” I responded, my vocal chords aching. “You’re my friend. You’re such a good…”
“I know you’re scared,” Luke whispered. “It’s scary. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Ever since I met you, I’ve had butterflies in my stomach.”
I felt the corners of my eyes start to sting.
Luke tried again. “Please tell me you like me, Charlie.”
“You’re my friend,” I repeated, nodding like I actually believed it. I blinked, not wanting him to see I was now crying. “You’re such a good friend. I, um, haven’t clicked with anyone the way I click with you.”
He put a hand on my knee, sending a series of tremors up my leg. “Then why can’t we be something more? What’s stopping you?”
I stood; I needed to leave. “Sage will be looking for me. Or Val—Val will be looking for me. She wanted at least one dance.”
Luke stood too. “Charlie, wait…”
But I didn’t wait. I shook him off, and then left him there in the dark.
CHAPTER 15
SAGE
I’d always thought the library’s glass-walled study rooms were great for people-watching. You could be busy doing calculus homework, and then glance up to see anything happen. A librarian reshelving books, boys playing leapfrog down the long hallway, maybe even a couple sneaking downstairs to “explore” the stacks together.
It didn’t occur to me that the windows worked both ways until Nick and I agreed to study together one night. It’s fine, I told myself when the door clicked shut behind me. It’s totally fine. Keep it professional, like you’re project partners or something. Nick was already sitting at the cozy pine table, his hair disheveled.
“Hey,” I said as I took the chair across from him. “How was practice?” Homecoming two weeks ago had brought the end of fall sports. Hockey season was now upon us. I felt a sudden burst of pride, thrilled that Nick had been named captain this year.
“Ugh,” Nick said, groaning. “Good, but also brutal. It’s No Puck Luck Week.”
I sucked in a breath to commiserate with him. No Puck Luck Week happened right after varsity tryouts, when the hockey coaches skated the team into the ground. The guys didn’t touch the pucks at practice; it was all power skating and conditioning drills. “Yeah, I heard,” I said. “Charlie was whining about it in architecture today.”
Nick half-chuckled, half-rolled his eyes. “Yet he smokes us in sprints every time.” He shook his head. “I still don’t fully get it. He’s so good, but he’s not gonna play. All the top D3 programs, and he passed.”
“Wait, what?” I stopped unloading my backpack. “He said no? He’s not playing?”
Nick nodded.
“He didn’t tell me,” I whispered. Charlie hadn’t mentioned college in a while, and I hadn’t asked. I knew he’d turned down Bowdoin after his less-than-enthusiastic visit, but then he’d stopped talking about the process altogether. My stomach swirled. There was only a month left until early decisions were released. Only Nick knew where I’d decided to apply, his response shooting some confidence up my spine. “I like that.” He’d nodded, smiling. “I can see you there.”
“Yeah,” he said now. “Back in October, he said he wanted to go…” He paused. “Nowhere near here.”
My heart twisted. Nowhere near here?
“What does that mean?”
“Not New England. That’s what he told Mom and Dad. He said he wants a lot of options, and that hockey limited them. Dad was bummed at first—he was really pulling for a NESCAC—but he’s coming around. Mom too.”
“Oh, that’s good…” I heard myself say, but trailed off. Why hadn’t Charlie told me? I suddenly felt sick from all these secrets piling up. How did we get here? I wondered. And how can we get back to truly being us?
“So I guess we’ll see,” Nick said.
“Yeah,” I echoed. “We’ll see.”
We worked on homework quietly for the next hour, only pausing to nudge each other under the table. I giggled when Nick propped his heels up on my knees and leaned back in his chair. “Stop it,” I said, covering my mouth. “People could see.”
He smiled and shrugged, dimple deepening. I wanted to kiss it, but instead, buried my face in my history book. Not here, not now.
But Nick’s dimple wasn’t the only distraction; his phone kept vibrating. “Okay, who is it?” I asked once he’d unlocked it and was typing a text back.
“Emma,” he said. “With a question about hockey stuff. She’s our manager this season.”
