Gay For You, page 11
“Look, you might think I’m being harsh, but I’m here to give you this feedback. I’m not going to handle you with kid gloves because I know you need this in order to grow.” She said, still scanning me with her eyes. “You aren’t like the kids that come to this school and treat it like some kind of extended high school years to goof off, or some of the students that treat it like a very expensive therapy. You are here to do something, and you have such potential, I can feel it!” She said passionately, waving her arms in a grand, sweeping motions.
“But you need to work on this.” She gestured to the renderings, “You need to work on taking what’s inside your heart, and transferring that to the paper. Do you understand?”
I was silent for a moment, trying to not let the critique affect me. I had spent hours and hours perfecting these two drawings, making sure that I had captured the way Evan’s body looked in the morning sunlight.
“What is it missing?” I asked patiently. I knew that after this I’d need alone time to process what she had said. My feelings were a little hurt.
“Style. How you feel. This is just a perfect image of what the rest of the world sees. But what happens when you look at something, and remix it in your head? What happens when you see a normal thing, like fruit, or an animal? Is the image in your mind, when you think about it later, the same thing that you saw? Or is it altered somehow? And in what way?” She finished.
I was so confused.
“That’s what I want to see from you.” She finished. “Did that make sense?”
No. “Yes.” I said, not wanting to give her reason for another tangent.
“All right. For now I’m going to mark you as okay for this check-in, but next time I want to see some progress. You have a lot of opportunity to make mistakes, you have a thousand pieces to create!”
I smiled, but it didn’t reach my eyes. “Thank you, professor.” Then I collected my pieces and put them in my portfolio, zipping it up with finality.
“Come back next week with something more raw!” She said brightly.
I wasn’t in the mood for this. I gathered up my portfolio and headed out of her office, carrying on through the long hallway. My footsteps echoed through the halls as the distorted, colorful faces of student work mocked me from the walls.
I leaned on the railing on the catwalk, set my portfolio down and sighed.
All that work—all that time I had put into those two perfect drawings was all for nothing. The professor wanted more… something, but wasn’t able to tell me what. Not exactly.
Typical artist.
But secretly I knew what she was looking for. She was looking for me to open up and let go; take my art more into the abstract.
Well, I could just make a shit ton of shitty line drawings of Evan and manipulate the assignment…
But then I took a deep breath and calmed myself. I was here in order to put myself through this. And I struggled in this area. I needed to learn to open up more.
I thought of Evan again, and how I felt around him. How I felt “awakened” by being with him, in his presence. There was something about him that set my soul on fire, and made me want to do certain things. I thought back to when I first started this journey to reawaken myself. The whole reason I started it was because I was reaching for something; something to save me from the endless churn and fake smiles of the business world.
Applied to art, it was no different. “What does the audience, want? Give them that,” But what Professor Washburn was getting at was different.
Art was tricky. True expression was going to take more out of me than that.
19
Evan
A few days later, I snapped my buckle on the plane in the first class seat right next to my… my boyfriend.
Everything was set for Christmas break. With the permission of my stats professor, I was able to take my exam early. Two days ago, I left the testing room, feeling confident that I would get at least a low A.
Now I could devote all of my attention to the man next to me and exploring his world.
I still couldn't believe that Sam was actually my boyfriend. When he didn’t think I was looking, I snuck a glance at him.
He was looking off to the aisle, and his jawline caught the light from the window. Just him being this close to me stirred up deep feelings of desire.
As the plane took off, my heart did too, soaring into the heavens with my spirits. I couldn’t remember that last time I’d been this happy.
He wanted me to meet his friends and family from back home!
I wondered if they would think I was good enough for Sam. I was still haunted by my past, coming from a trailer park in Tennessee. And here I was just hanging out with by this person who was way out of my league.
“Do you want a drink?” He asked me with that shining smile of his, tantalizing me.
“A—a drink?” I asked. “I probably shouldn’t…”
“Fuck it, you’re on vacation.” He tempted.
He was like the devil on my shoulder, telling me to relax.
I nodded and accepted. “Yeah. Fuck it.”
A few minutes later, I had a beer in my hand while we were cruising the high altitude and Sam was clutching an old fashioned. He was swirling the perfectly square ice cube around. It made a soft tinkling noise as it clattered against the glass.
“Are you nervous?” I asked, eyeing his swirling drink.
“Flying makes me… a little nervous.” He admitted reluctantly.
I put my hand on his, caressing the length of his index finger with my thumb. He looked down in surprise at my touch, then and made eye contact. His hazel eyes were simmering and melting; liquid gold.
So this is what Happy Sam looks like, I thought to myself.
“You’re really special to me, you know that?” He said.
My heart felt like it was swelling with joy. “Yeah, I know.” I replied softly.
He leaned over and gave me a soft, gentle kiss on the cheek. I turned back at him and brushed my lips against his for a more tender, heartfelt kiss.
I’d never felt like this before, not with anyone. I didn’t realize that I could feel this good just by being around someone else. It was like his aura was intoxicating. He made me so happy.
Ugh, I thought of going back after this two-week break and having to go swim again. I was not looking forward to that. The practices were long and hard, and early in the morning. They were intense, and I couldn’t ever eat what I wanted and had to stay super disciplined. There was no wiggle room for fun. And the guys on the team were okay, but all they ever talked about was girls and sports, and put each other down constantly. I could never get on board with that. I just didn’t get it. I acted like I did in order to fit in, but I needed more out of my friendships.
I looked over at Sam, taking him in with my eyes again. How his perfect features shown in the golden light of the afternoon sun, bobbing above the clouds.
I could see what he looked like, but exploring underneath him, under the surface was like exploring a diamond mine. The more I learned about him, I wanted to keep going deeper and deeper, unearthing all of his secrets and all of their facets. There just was so much to him, and so much more that I wanted to find out. I was… captivated by him. Whatever was going on in that head of his, I probably couldn’t understand, but I wanted desperately to try. He filled me up with the thing I was missing, the thing I needed.
I held his hand, feeling the warmth and chemistry of his body, flow into mine through the whole flight. Normally I would have gotten sick of touching someone for so long, but in this case, I longed for more. It felt like his energy, warm and safe, was flowing through me.
After three hours or so, we landed and he took his hand away, getting up out of the seat. I immediately felt colder than I had before. I wanted nothing more but to regain his touch.
We quickly maneuvered our way out of the airport and into a rental car. The plane ride had been long, and I was greeted by the cold, dry air of Colorado.
There was something different about the air here, something new. And as soon as we got out of the airport, I saw the mountains in the distance rising up like sawtooth to cut the sky. I’d grown up in Appalachia, but this was the first time I’d seen mountains like this. They were majestically beautiful; the purple earth reaching up to challenge the yellow-orange sky.
I watched Sam’s eyes taking them in too.
“Feeling inspired?” I asked. I was beginning to recognize when his mind was turning, taking in the surroundings, and processing it into something else. Something beautiful.
“Maybe a little.” He smirked at me, coming out of his reverie.
He looked so beautiful in that moment… words couldn’t describe what was happening inside me. It felt a lot like melting.
And just waiting outside the airport with him made me kiss him, in front of all those people. I wondered if even the onlookers could feel the chemistry between us coming off like the shockwave of a bomb blast, because it was enough to almost knock me on my ass.
My lips pressed against his, leaning up a little since he was taller than me. He leaned down, meeting his perfect, soft sculpted lips to mine and we stood there for that moment, sharing that connection.
It was like the world stopped moving around us. We were frozen in time.
I wanted to say it then.
I looked up into his eyes, and saw his hazel ones looking down into mine, flickering back and forth to meet my gaze. I loved the feeling of his strong hands on my back, pulling me in close.
Then he looked up at the terminal, breaking our eye contact. “I think our car is here.” He said.
I looked around and saw a BMW pull up next to us with a woman in big sunglasses in the front seat with this huge, all-encompassing smile plastered on her face. She beamed, bouncing with excitement in the driver’s seat as she put the car in park, her brown curls raffling around her head.
Even from here I could tell she was beautiful, inside and out.
When she parked the car and turned on the flashers, she excitedly got out of the driver’s seat and hurried over to us.
“Sam!” She said, throwing her arms out into a huge hug and tried to pull him into an embrace.
But he got the best of her with his linebacker form, wrapping his huge arms around her and lifting her up and swirling her around. She cackled madly.
Then he set her down, still giggling.
She looked over at me, and for a second I felt awkward. But then she threw her arms around me too, enveloping me in a hug that channeled warmth and acceptance.
“Is this him?!? Is this the magical man you’ve been telling me about?” She gushed, rocking back and forth.
I struggled against her embrace, but let it overtake me in its love. I looked at Sam with questions in my eyes.
With a proud smile, he said, “Evan, this is my baby sister Katie.”
20
Sam
I sat in the back seat of Katie’s BMW next to Evan so I could hold his hand again. Normally I shied away from physical touch, but there was something different about touching Evan. Whatever it was, I could feel this insane energy passing between us when we made skin contact. It felt like my soul was close to a warm bonfire on a cold winter night.
“—and then she got up and danced on one of the poles!” Katie exclaimed from the driver’s seat. She was in the middle of telling me about the bachelorette party she’d just attended. “So I got up on the pole too!”
Evan burst out laughing; that bright, brilliant sound that lifted my spirits and made a simple joy unfurl somewhere in my chest.
“I bet you were great, Katie.” He said, with genuine caring in his eyes.
I could see Katie straighten up a little in the drivers seat and a proud, smug look bloom upon her face as she absorbed the compliment.
My sister was proud; weak to compliments and boy, Evan had already found that out. It make me so happy that he was able to charm my sister.
I remembered that she hadn’t liked Kyle very much.
“So! What are you going to show him while you’re here?” Katie asked me.
I thought for a moment.
“The—“ I started, but she cut me off.
“The hot springs are always a good place!” She offered. I could tell she was so excited to see me, and she had thought about everything we would do already. I listened patiently.
“Oh! Another thing— there’s a new restaurant downtown that just opened up; Mom and Dad are taking us there tonight!” She said brightly. “I can’t wait to check it out!”
“What kind of food?” I asked, peeking at Evan nervously. I knew he was a picky eater; he cared a lot about his body.
“Thai fusion!” She piped up brightly.
I peered at Evan for a reaction.
“That sounds amazing!” Evan beamed, and then turned to me, “I can’t wait to meet your parents; if they’re anything like you two, they’re probably the most wonderful people.”
“Thanks! Yeah they’re pretty great,” Katie confirmed. “Do you like to ski, Evan?” She asked.
“I’ve actually never tried it,” He muttered softly.
Was that shame on his face?
Perplexed but wanting to be supportive, I squeezed his hand.
That moment stuck with me as we continued the car right up the winding mountain roads into Aspen, this town that I’d been familiar with all my life. It was a strange thing, about hometowns. They can put you in a place, take you back to that same mindset from when you were younger and knew less.
I knew I’d made plenty of mistakes.
Shaking my head and clearing out the dark thoughts, I peered out the window to the twilight sky. I jostled Evan and said, “Look!”
Though, when I looked at his face, I saw he was still uneasy. I made a mental note to ask him what was up later.
But he quickly hid his discomfort with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.
I was dedicated to making him truly happy, whatever that took.
We finally pulled into the driveway of my childhood home; an expansive sprawling cabin tucked into the side of the steep valley. The snow was falling softly in huge flakes, and landed on the pristine driveway. I saw tire tracks leading up to the garage – that meant Mom and Dad had just gotten home.
I was nervous to see them after so long, but excited to show off Evan.
“Come on,” I said, tugging at Evan’s hand with a smile spreading across my face. “I can’t wait to introduce you to my family.”
Then a genuine smile spread across his face as he hopped out of the car and onto the snow.
I held his hand as he stepped out of the car, steadying him so that he didn’t slide down the slope.
He was pressed up against me, and I loved feeling his body up against mine like this.
“Oh come on you two, get a room!” Shouted Katie as she shut the car door with a “clack!”
Together, the three of us marched up the driveway, up the steps to our cozy, inviting home. Katie moved the festive Christmas wreath aside and politely knocked on the door three times.
She turned to me and smiled, her hazel eyes twinkling. “Mom and Dad are gonna be so happy to see you!”
That was Katie. Always bright and naive to a fault. She didn’t know what it was like growing up as a creative type to two engineer parents, and being gay on top of that.
Then there were a few soft footsteps coming up to the door and it opened to reveal my father, shorter and much older spitting version of me, with a ridiculously festive sweater on. The Christmas lights on it lit up, lighting the evening with multicolored twinkling lights.
“Ahhhh!” He exclaimed, wrapping me and Katie in a huge bear hug and pulling us in close. Even though the old man was smaller than me, he had a crushing grip.
When he relented, he focused his attention on Evan.
“And this must be your new boyfriend!” He greeted warmly with his crinkly-eyed smile, reaching out for a hug.
Momentarily I panicked, not knowing if Evan was okay with hugs or what. But to my delight, Evan returned it enthusiastically.
“We’re so happy to have you here!” My old man said jovially when he pulled away, “Come in, come in out of the cold!”
He fussed his way in the house, then began fussing over Katie and her coat, checking to see if she was warm, like always. She was such a daddy’s girl.
Being in this house, I felt the love seep into me like I was absorbing it through my skin.
I turned to Evan to check in on him, nervously surveying him and seeing if he seemed to feel welcome.
He smiled back at me that brilliant white-toothed celebrity smile.
“Welcome home,” I said, “can I take your coat?”
“Sure,” He said, shrugging it off.
I took it off of him, pulling at the sleeves. My dad and Katie left into the other room, chatting up a storm.
Letting my hands linger on his shoulders, I slowly moved them down his arms, tracing his outline. I could feel the lust building up within me, and moved my arms to his chest. Feeling his rippling outline of his washboard abs under his thin cotton v-neck.
Leaning my head down to his ear, I brushed against it with my lips and whispered, “You are so fucking hot…”
He turned around, pressing himself against me. His dark eyelashes flickered up into my eyes. “So are you.”
And he pressed his lips to my mouth for a longing, lustful kiss.
After I’d gotten a taste, I pulled away when I felt my cock twitch. I couldn’t have a boner in front of family – they were right over in the other room!
“You better stop that,” I warned coyly, “Or I’ll have to punish you.”
“I’d like to see you try!” He whispered with a wink, then quick as lightning planted a kiss on my nose.
I growled at him playfully, then took off my coat. I opened the closet door and hung them in there, then shuffled them away and closed the door.
“You must be Evan!” Screeched my mother joyfully from the kitchen. She must have just come into the entry hall. “Ohhhh, how are you, dear?” She came rushing towards Evan, wrapping him in a warm hug.
