Open Your Eyes, page 18
“Yeah. I chose a boy. Maybe you should go online and choose a girl? From India or Peru maybe? Even if we had to eat baked beans on toast some nights, it would feel good to know we were making a difference to someone’s life. Not only the children’s lives – whole communities.”
I was gobsmacked. For years I’d begged him to sponsor a child and he’d refused.
Gabriel rounded the desk and crouched in front of me, taking my hands in his. “I'm sorry I never listened to you before. You’ve always wanted to help others and I didn’t see the point. Always suspicious that the charities were stashing the money and not using the funds appropriately.” His thumbs caressed gently over my knuckles. “But we just have to trust, don’t we? Have a little faith that they will do the right thing.”
He lifted my hand to his mouth, his lips skimming over my fingers. “You were right. It feels so much better to give than receive.”
My mouth opened and shut again. Just when I started really liking to receive. Compliments, kind gestures, little gifts. Receiving was as delightful as giving.
He leaned forward and placed his hand on my cheek, his thumb on my lips. “Shh, don’t say anything. Just listen.” He increased the pressure on my lips. “You’re right. It took me nearly dying to realize what we had and how precious life is. I don’t want to make that mistake again. I want another shot at life – a life with you in it. Surviving the heart attack was the first step. Life gave me another chance. But now it's up to me what I do with that chance.”
His eyes were blazing, an unknown depth in them. “I’ve done a lot of introspection lately. Hell, I’ve had nothing other to do than think. And I realized the truth: if I keep on doing what I’ve always done, I’ll keep on getting the same bad results.” He sighed, closing his eyes for a few seconds, before opening them again and staring into my eyes.
“I want to change. To be a better man. For you. It's taken nearly losing everything that mattered to see what an idiot I’ve been. To see how much you really mean to me. How much I want you and me to work. Please forgive me, Natalie, for all the hurt. For being so blind. Please say you’ll give our marriage another chance?”
I blinked, totally at a loss for words. Turmoil raged within me, twisting my insides out. Slowly the gulf between us was closing. This Gabriel was alluring and sexy as hell.
Why on earth had it taken so long? And why was it happening now, just as I was falling for another man?
What the hell am I going to do?
It weighed heavily on me, becoming more and more difficult as each day passed. Because while I was spending precious time with each man, I was truly enjoying his company. Was I a two-faced bitch? I couldn’t understand how I could simultaneously be so attracted to two men, poles apart in their personalities, both tugging at my heart.
Both men loved me, of that I had little doubt. It wasn’t something anyone could feign. And the weird thing was I loved them both too.
Was I crazy? Twisted?
Tormented – most certainly.
I was at a crossroad; I had to make a choice soon. Too many hearts were dependent on my decision.
Chapter Forty-one
A flicker of confusion passed across his beautiful face. He rubbed his hand across his nape, searching my face intently for answers.
I wrung my hands together. “There is more at stake here than just you and me, Nick. When my mother died, I was devastated. Then my dad died two years later. It crushed me, even though I was already thirty-three when it happened, an adult with my own three kids, it hurt so much. Frankly, I don’t think I've ever recovered from the sense of loss.”
“It's different – your kids still have both their parents,” he said, shaking his head. He paced the room like a caged lion – up and down the living area of his hotel suite. His eyes were dark and stormy, his skin ashen.
My wrist rubbed my chest, at the dull pain in my heart. “The loss of a family unit is like death. Something kids find hard to survive, no matter their age, even if they are all grown up themselves, it still hurts like hell.”
Nick raked his fingers through his hair. “So decide what you really want, Natalie. Then grab it with both hands. Because life wants to give you all of that and more. You just have to be clear about what it is that you really want.” The pacing continued, reflecting his mood. Restless and on edge.
How am I going to get through to him?
My gut clenched. “Starting over with Gabriel is about our family. Giving all five of us another chance. I hope you can understand that?” I took a step closer to Nick and placed my hand softly on his cheek. It seemed to calm him down slightly. At least the pacing stopped.
“I don’t want to hurt you. You were nothing but good to me. No – you were more than that – you were good for me. You helped me grow and become a better person. You helped me to see my blessings. Oh boy; and how you taught me!”
His sheepish grin at my last words tugged at my heart, unbridled love for this man poured out of me, but I had to push on. “I don’t regret one moment I spent with you. You were my lover, my friend, my teacher. You came into my life at exactly the right moment; when I needed you most.”
“Were?” he echoed, his voice cracking, his stormy eyes filled with an unfathomable sadness.
I reached up onto my toes and planted a soft kiss on his cheek. His arm automatically shot around my waist, pulling me roughly toward him. I laid my head on his chest. What I had to say was difficult enough without seeing the expression on his beautiful face, the dawning of understanding in his eyes.
“I know you are strong, I know you can carry on without me. Gabriel will fall apart if I leave a second time. I have to choose Gabriel and my family.” A puff of air squeezed from my lungs.
The words hung between us, heavy in the air.
Nick drew in a sharp breath, his body stiffening. I remained in the circle of his arms, my chest burning.
My throat was dry and tight. “I’ll always keep the memories of us in my heart. They will sustain me in difficult times when things aren’t going well, because I'm not that foolish to believe it will be all sunshine and roses. I know Gabriel and I have a lot of issues to work through. He’s trying his best – we both are… And that’s all we can ask of one another right now.”
“God, Natalie, you are killing me.” He blinked rapidly, his jaw tight, a vein throbbing in his neck. He let go of me so suddenly I nearly fell over.
The relentless pacing started again. I stood in the middle of the room, twisting my hands together, my knuckles white, my palms sweaty. This wasn’t going well. He came to a stop and punched a fist into the wall, hard. I jumped at the thud and the way the pictures shook.
“Sometimes we are so stuck in our own reality; we don’t see the options open to us. We get stuck in our way of thinking, believing that is the only way our lives can be. You don’t have to do this; you don’t have to go back to Gabriel,” he bit out through clenched teeth. He was flexing his fists, the muscles of his biceps bulging, as if he wanted to hit something again.
He came to stand in front of me. I didn’t move. Our eyes locked. Would he take out his anger on me? His lips were drawn to a thin line, his chest heaving, nostrils flaring. But I was never afraid. In his eyes were love and pain. I had put it there – both the love and the pain. As if I had ripped his heart right out of his chest, making him bleed.
Slowly Nick drew in a shaky breath, rubbing over his eyes with the backs of his hands. “You are asking more than I can bear to give you.” It was not his fists, but his words that knocked me over. “Can we be together one last time? Will you at least give me that?”
My voice quivered. “Wouldn’t that make it more difficult for us both? Harder to walk away when we are done?”
“No. I need it. One last time – to connect deeply with you – if I am going to survive this at all. You are asking me to walk out of your life and never come back, when all I really want is to hold on to you forever. So give me this – please?”
The longing in his eyes was more than I could stand. Yes, I still wanted him with all my heart and soul, even though I had made my final choice to go back to Gabriel. A surge of tears behind my throat made it impossible to speak.
My heart was completely shredded.
Chapter Forty-two
Nick
Her words had sent me over the edge. I was in my own personal hell.
Natalie had made her choice.
God, it's not me! My heart squeezed in my chest, I wasn’t sure I was not going to have a heart attack of my own. It hurts so fucking much.
I wanted to plead with her, grovel at her feet. Beg her to change her mind. How would I live without her? Would I even want to? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!
She thinks I'm strong. That I can survive this. Jesus fucking Christ! Doesn’t she realize she is my life?
Her entrancing scent drifted to my nostrils, I inhaled deeply, sending everything about her to my memory banks. For the inevitable ‘later’ that loomed like a monster, when she walked out that door and all I had left were memories. Fear gripped my heart. I had to show her how much I loved her. Maybe she would change her mind. I couldn’t – no, I wouldn’t – give up now.
“Baby,” I moaned as I buried my face in her hair, pulling her so tightly against me I doubt she could breathe. My heart pounded in my chest, God it was hammering nine to the dozen, ready to shatter. The only way I could still it was to feel her lips, drink her in, and consume her. I crushed her to me, wanting to feel every inch of her against me. The animal in me was wild, the beast untempered.
My mouth came down hard on hers, sucking her breath into me. I was beyond desperate. She trembled in my arms, wanting this as much as I wanted it. Her fingers twisted in my hair, pulling painfully at the strands – but I loved that pain, it was what she always did when she was so overcome with passion that she couldn’t control herself.
I pushed her backwards toward the couch. I fisted her hair as I rained kisses on her eyelids, her nose, along her jaw till I found her mouth again.
Throw me a lifeline, I can't breathe, I'm drowning fast! I need resuscitation! God help me!
She opened her mouth with a gasp and I pushed inside, our tongues dancing the kiss of death. Desperate. I'm fucking desperate.
“Nick,” she breathed, pushing me away. “Stop, you’re scaring me.” Her eyes were wide, her lips bruised from my assault.
What the fuck was I doing? Our last time together and I was raging like an animal. Having a fucking meltdown. “Baby,” I choked out, “I'm so sorry.”
She held out her arms, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Make love to me. Real love.”
I edged closer, my eyes screwed shut.
Another chance – she’s giving me another chance.
Slow down, Nick – don’t fuck this up.
This time it was she who kissed my eyelids, my cheeks, my nose, all along my jaw, slowly, tenderly, her breath still coming in gasps, but she was trying to slow us down, calm me down. This memory had to last forever, didn’t it?
She slowly unbuttoned my shirt, running her hands along my shoulders, pushing the shirt off gently. My eyes were still tightly closed; I couldn’t bear to look at her. Feather-like kisses brushed my chest, her breath warming my skin. She flicked her tongue over my nipples – everything in me tightened at the delicious onslaught of her mouth. I groaned loudly, wanting so much more.
Patience. I had to be patient. My dick lurched in my pants, screaming for that mouth.
She must have read my mind, for she pushed me back and loosened my belt, her trembling fingers slowly undoing the buttons of my jeans. God, why wasn’t I wearing the jeans with a zipper instead? It was torture.
“Let me help you,” I breathed, as I reached down and fumbled for the buttons. Finally I kicked the jeans off and freed my cock.
Yes, oh fuck yes; take me in your mouth, baby.
Only she didn’t.
“Look at me, Nick,” she whispered, “see me.”
Obeying her, my eyes drifted open. What a sight she was. Intoxicating. Her hair messed up, her lips red from my kisses, her eyes glowing, her lips curved into a heart-stopping smile. I wanted to engrave this picture of her into my mind permanently.
My gaze hungrily swept over her body, she was still fully clothed. Her breasts had swollen, her nipples straining against her T-shirt, begging for my caress.
“Fuck, you’re so beautiful,” I groaned, my cock twitching in agreement. She smiled at that, making my heart expand in my chest. I growled as I pulled her toward me, eager to shed the clothing from her luscious body – to feel her skin naked against mine.
She pulled her T-shirt over her head and shook her hair out of her eyes. Radiant eyes that were now locked onto mine. Then she reached back and undid the clasp of her bra. I watched in wonder as she freed her glorious breasts; her nipples hardening as the cool air hit them. I reached up to cup those breasts, sumptuous and heavy in my hands, eager for my caress. Tweaking her nipples with my thumbs, I rolled them between my fingers as she moaned, her mouth slightly open.
I leaned over and pulled her lower lip into my mouth, sucking it as I kept stroking her breasts. Then I dipped my head and took a taut nipple into my mouth, tugging gently at first, then harder as her head fell back and she let out a cry.
Naked. I wanted her completely bared to me. I had to get her out of her jeans – eager to feel her wetness – taste her core. Impatient fingers struggled with the tiny top button, and I cursed as the zipper resisted my attempts to slide it down. Mother of God, why was this so hard? She let me peel the pants from her legs, leaning back into the couch, closing her eyes in surrender. I watched as her breasts spilled over the sides, her teeth biting hard into her lower lip. Her skin was glowing.
Natalie had never looked more beautiful. I was lost to everything but her.
She must have sensed that I was looking at her, her eyes flickered open under heavy lids and she peered at me from beneath her dense lashes. We were both in a drug-like state – completely beyond any form of self-control – giving ourselves to one another unconditionally.
“God, I love you so much!” I growled, eager to bury myself inside her.
Slowly she licked the sensuous swell of her lips as she watched me pull her panties down. Then her eyes widened as I sniffed at them before I tossed them to the floor.
“You smell so good. But I want to taste,” I grunted hoarsely as my head dipped between her legs. My fingers dug into her inner thighs, spreading them open.
Moaning, she opened her thighs wider at my touch; it drove me wild with primal lust that she was so giving. She gasped as my tongue found my favorite spot. As always I was amazed; she was already wet for me, her lips swollen, her sweet cunt ready for the taking.
“Natalie,” I groaned, “you taste so fucking good.” A taste that went straight to my groin, igniting a fire in every nerve in my already aroused body. I couldn’t get enough of her sweet nectar, my tongue sliding up and down her smooth pussy, then swirling around her clit. Her fingers tangled in my hair, pushing me deeper into her folds. I pushed two fingers inside her.
“Let go, baby. Come for me,” I ordered as I thrust deeply into her, her slippery wet heat making me lose my mind.
She arched her back. “Nick!” she moaned as she exploded around my fingers. I kept licking as she rode the orgasm out, biding my time, loving how long her spasms continued; coaxing every last one from her body with my mouth.
“I want you inside me. Please baby.” I loved when she begged me to enter her. I slid up her body, kissing her skin as I did, till my throbbing tip was at her entrance. I had to slow down, or I would explode the second I pushed into her wet heat.
I kissed her mouth tenderly, every emotion in my heart poured into that one kiss. Her legs slid over my hips and she nudged me gently, first the tip, slowly, then all of me slid into her waiting pussy, planting myself to the balls. Fuck, she felt so good. Like home. I wanted to stay there – forever.
Shoving her hips against mine, we connected as closely as two human beings possibly could. I pulsed inside her in response. Slowly I started thrusting inside her as I kissed her soft lips.
Heaven.
She bit my lip and her nails dug into my back. “Deeper, Nick, deeper,” she moaned, pushing my ass with her heels. “I can't get enough of you,” she groaned, her hips pushing up to meet mine in a frantic rhythm. I rolled my hips, so I could let her feel every inch of me, deep inside her.
“Open your eyes, Natalie – ”
“– so you can see me.”
Her eyes melted into mine. “One last time,” I croaked.
“I. Love. You.” I ground out. “Come with me.” I barely managed to pant it out as she gripped my cock, coming hard around me. I exploded, pumping myself into her. Even after I stopped moving, I still felt her milking me, taking every last drop I had to offer.
I shuddered. As much as I craved her, needed her like a drug, I had to let her go – back to him.
Could I make this sacrifice to ensure her ultimate happiness? She didn’t need to know how near impossible it was for me to do. It felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of my lungs.
She was never mine to hold onto.
I wanted her to want me as much as I wanted her.
But she chose him. Gabriel. Fucker!
It was then I knew; I would love this woman till the day I died. But I had to set her free, even if it killed me.
I got lost in her eyes. This was the last time I would see her like this.
Chapter Forty-three
Natalie
Leaving Nick after our final goodbye was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. Harder than ending my marriage, harder than childbirth, harder than losing a loved one. Because something inside me died a little that day. I had to bury this feeling, hide it under every other emotion. It was the only way I would survive giving up Nick’s love.
As soon as I got back home again, I had a long bath, soaking in the tub for over an hour, formulating plans in my head of how my life would work going forward.
