But first I desperately needed a bit of a clean-up. “Is it OK if I have a quick shower? And borrow some track pants?” I called from the hallway as I started stripping out of my dress.

  “What the fuck, you’re not wearing panties,” Miranda screeched behind me. “What the hell happened to you?”

  “Nick. Nick happened.”

  “Nick? You mean he’s here – in Sydney. Good God! And you just screwed him, didn’t you?”

  “Well, not quite, but close,” I yelled above the noise of the running water as I felt the warm water rinse away my sins. Crap. Crap. Crap. This was bad.

  Miranda laughed as I rolled up the sleeves of her borrowed sweatshirt and the legs of the pants. “You’re such a short shit,” she observed – once again. She liked to rub it in that she was tall and slender. Unlike me with my ample boobs, Botticelli bum and child bearing hips. And of course, compared to her, I was really short.

  “You’ve got to tell me what happened before you go,” Miranda wailed as I headed for the door. I gave her a big hug and ran down the driveway. “Not if you want to save Gabriel’s life. We don’t want him getting another heart attack while we chitchat – do we?” I laughed, a little bit too hard, a lot too hysterically. “Tell Gabriel I'm on my way home if he calls again.”

  “I’ll just call Gabriel and tell him to calm down. That you are on your way home.” She blew me a kiss in the review mirror.

  Chapter Thirty-five

  Gabriel was waiting for me. “You’re home,” he said with a mixture of concern and relief as I walked into the house.

  “Yip, I'm home,” I said as casually as I could. I hadn’t bargained on having Gabriel babysit me. Or checking up on me. Hell, we’d been separated for nearly two years. Living our own lives. Where was he when I needed a man to change the light bulb or fix something that had broken down? Now he was breathing down my neck, and I didn’t like it one bit. All those times when I wanted him to show he cared – this was too little, too late.

  He didn’t have the guts to ask me outright where I’d been. He’d lost that right when he left. But I knew that somehow he would try his damndest to get the information from me. Especially when I saw the vein in his thick neck throb. Under his calm exterior, he was seething. I’d have to calm him down and fast.

  “Why are you wearing that tracksuit? It can't be yours; it's way too big for you.” He screwed his eyes up as he skimmed my body, looking for clues. “It looks like something Miranda would wear, you don’t like purple. But… you weren’t there when I phoned her.” No shit, Sherlock! Note to self: leave a change of clothing at Miranda’s house.

  Years ago I would have trembled at his interrogation. Even if I were totally innocent, he’d have a way of making it sound as if I had sex with the Pope. Or anyone else that would have me. And he’d make a point of letting me understand that he thought it was impossible that any other man in his right mind would really want me. Which was why I didn’t understand his twisted mind or why he didn’t trust me. He was a contradiction of terms. Jealous yet condescending. No, jealous and condescending.

  During our marriage I would have madly tried to explain myself, hoping that he could see how ridiculous his accusations were. But usually the more I tried to explain, the deeper I put my foot in it.

  Which was why I was so surprised at my answer: “Oh, it's a long story and I don’t want to bore you with it.” I yawned behind my hand. “Let’s get you settled for the night, OK?”

  I’d never had the confidence to ignore his inquisition before tonight. To brush him off so nonchalantly. What changed?

  He frowned and mumbled something as I led him back to the main bedroom. I had given up my bed and moved to the spare room so he could be more comfortable, since he was supposed to stay in bed most of the time till he was stronger.

  Gabe waited, playing along while I made him comfortable. But the frown had turned to a dark scowl, the corners of his mouth turned down to show his displeasure. I chose to ignore it.

  Just as I was about to leave the room, he grabbed my arm. Tightly. “You’ve changed,” he breathed as he pulled me down on top of him.

  “Don’t – be careful – your heart!” I cried out, completely taken by surprise.

  “You are breaking my heart. You’re fucking some American guy.” He must have read the shock on my face. “Yeah, I know about him. Fuck, everyone knows about him. Nicholas Gallagher. Some rich dude you picked up while you were on holiday with our daughter. What kind of example is that for her? Besides you cheating on me, how do you think that looks to our family and friends?”

  Stunned by his outburst, I felt the blood rise to my cheeks. “Let go of me!” I tried to wriggle loose, but his grip just tightened. He had rolled us over and was practically lying on top of me.

  “Olivia is a grown woman. I was married with a toddler, pregnant with a second child at her age. You made sure of that. Remember? As for the cheating allegation: we have been living separate lives for the last nineteen months – to be exact. We are married in name only – because you refuse to sign the goddamn papers. It never really worried me, because I had no intention of getting into another relationship again. It just happened.”

  “I’ll kill the fucking asshole. Tell him to keep his dick away from my wife. And you are still my wife!” he roared as he pressed his mouth down on mine.

  I stopped breathing for a second. I didn’t kiss him back, which only infuriated him more. Oh dear lord, no! This anger can't be good for his heart!

  He lifted his head, rage searing in his eyes. “You’re killing me,” he groaned as he leaned back into the cushions, clutching his heart.

  “Gabriel! Are you OK?” I shrieked. I didn’t want him dying in my bed.

  “No, of course I’m not OK. My wife fucks around and then won’t kiss me back…”

  “Calm down! The doctor said you had to take it easy. Please. Please just calm down,” I pleaded. “I'm sorry.” There I was apologizing again, although I wasn’t even quite sure what for.

  He held out his arm, indicating for me to lie with him. “Come here,” he said, suddenly calmer when he saw my distressed face. I edged closer and he pulled me to his side. He shifted down in the bed, his arm around me and stared up at the ceiling. I just lay there, afraid to move. At least he had calmed down.

  We lay like that for more than half an hour; I hoped he would fall asleep. I closed my eyes, focusing on my breathing, trying to sound calm.

  He sighed. “I’ve fucked up royally, haven’t I?” Slowly, he blew out a breath, deflated.

  Does he want me to answer that? What do I say? Yes, Gabriel, you fucked up badly. I daren’t.

  “Natalie?”

  “Yes?” I whispered.

  “I still love you. I’ve never stopped loving you. So the thought of you with someone else drives me crazy. It turns me into a madman. I’m really sorry. I know that’s not the way to win you back. And I want you back. I want our family back together again. You, me…the kids.”

  Damn, he was clever – bringing the kids into it. He knew they were my weak point.

  “I’ll forgive you this time. For fuck sake, I’ve had my share of affairs while we were separated.” He paused and took a deep breath. “But now that we are getting together again, I don’t want you to have any contact with him again. Is that clear?” His voice rose slightly and his arm tightened around me.

  I was trapped. How was I going to get out of this one?

  “Shh, we’ll talk when you are better. Rest now so you can get strong again,” I wasn’t going to make him promises I couldn’t keep. And I never agreed to get together the way he wanted either. But I wasn’t going to stir him up again. So I just let it go, till later.

  He planted a kiss in my hair. “How could I be so stupid to let you go? I’ll be a better husband, I promise. Starting tonight. I'm glad I didn’t sign the papers – you’re still mine…” he said as the sleeping tablets I had given him earlier finally kicked in and he fell into a deep sleep.

  Chapter Thirty-six

  The ringtone of my phone startled me, and I woke up with a shudder. I was still lying next to Gabriel in what was once our marital bed. He had his arm wound around me, as if he was afraid I would disappear in the night. I must have dozed off after him, relief washing over me when he finally fell asleep. I was shivering, even though it was a hot summer’s night.

  The phone stopped ringing.

  I carefully lifted his arm and shrugged out from under it. Thankfully the sleeping tablet would take care of him for a while. I needed to pee and go off to sleep in the spare room.

  Who tried to call me? Probably Miranda. I peered at the clock. It was midnight.

  The phone started ringing again. “Shit, shit…” I scrambled to get it before it woke Gabriel. Let sleeping dogs lie…

  I left the room before answering. Nick.

  Is this night never going to end?

  “Nick, hi,” I whispered, still sleepy.

  “Natalie! I woke up and you were gone!” He sounded distressed. “Where are you? Are you OK?”

  “I had to come home. You were sleeping so peacefully I didn’t want to wake you. You must still be jetlagged, so why don’t you just go back to sleep?” I coaxed. “We can talk tomorrow.” Truth be told, I wasn’t really OK, I was emotionally strung out, I couldn’t handle another meltdown tonight.

  “I just thought for a moment there I had frightened you away…with my… lustful behavior. I’m sorry I lost control tonight. You do that to me. I lose my head – no, both heads – when I'm around you. ” He sighed. Even when he apologized he made me smile. I couldn’t help it; he always made me feel good.

  “Why did you leave me? Tonight, I mean,” he asked. “When I woke and you were gone, the room felt so – empty.”

  “I have a patient to take care of, remember?” I gently reminded him.

  “How could I forget? Your non-husband husband. Why don’t we put him in a nursing home, he’ll get good care there, from qualified nurses. And it will free you up,” he asked, hope in his voice.

  “You know I can't. It's complicated.” Damn, it was going to be really difficult managing these two men. And to keep them apart – which I had to do at all costs. There was no telling what would happen if they came face to face.

  “You are still giving me a guided tour of Sydney tomorrow, yeah?” He quickly changed the subject when he sensed my reticence.

  “Yes. I did promise in New York that if you ever came to Australia I would. And I always keep my promises.”

  Damn. I didn’t know back then how difficult keeping my promises would turn out to be. Placing me in a very vulnerable position. A whole day with Nick was more temptation than I could stand.

  Since when did my boring little life get so very bloody complicated?

  Chapter Thirty-seven

  Friday night. Dressed up in heels and a pretty dress and hanging out at a trendy restaurant. Miranda had talked me into keeping our monthly girls’ night out with our regular group of friends.

  I would much rather have spent the evening alone with Nick – every moment he was here was precious. Yet, I also knew a bit of distance would be good tonight. Give me time to contemplate my next move, sort out my confused mind.

  Having spent the last few days with Nick, showing him the highlights of Sydney as I had promised, was difficult enough. We were both trying to behave in public when really we would so much rather be consuming one another. The sexual tension between us was palpable, drawing us to one another.

  Magnetized by a force field we could not deny, we couldn’t resist touching one another every chance we had. There was no way we could be together tonight and not be physical, carnal, lustful. Right now I wanted more. Much more. And so did he.

  Dragged out of my wicked thoughts by Vicky’s naughty laugh, Miranda nudging me in the ribs. By now we all had a few too many glasses of wine and were getting to the loud and raucous stage of the evening.

  “I’m going home to jump my husband’s bones,” Vicky said, grinning widely.

  “You initiate sex?” Wendy asked incredulously.

  “Hell, yeah! What do you think I married him for? His excellent lawn mowing skills?” Vicky laughed.

  I gulped. Wow! I’d never really done that, ever. When I was first married to Gabriel, it wasn’t necessary to initiate sex. Gabriel would want sex all the time, even in the middle of the night, and as much as five times per day sometimes. But I guessed that was normal for a young couple in love. When, where and how many times we had sex, was always up to Gabriel.

  Fast-forward twenty-three years. He simply hadn’t wanted me anymore. And I was definitely not going to risk rejection.

  “So now that Gabriel is back home with you, how’s it going in the sex department?” Vicky winked at me cheekily.

  Strangely it was Miranda who bailed me out. “Remember Gabriel’s had a heart attack – he’s only been home a week now – that means no sex for maybe another six weeks. So Nat is off the hook for a while yet.”

  There was no way in hell I was going to ‘jump Gabe’s bones’ – now or ever. The damage from the past cut too deep even to contemplate that.

  Nick on the other hand – yes please. I felt safe enough in the knowledge that he wanted me as much as I wanted him. And if it weren’t for this mess, I would be on my way to his hotel room this minute to do just that.

  Miranda placed her arm around me protectively as we stumbled our way out of the restaurant together. We all bundled into a taxi, giggling, behaving like the tipsy women we were. So here I was on my way home to my ex-husband when in reality all I wanted was to be with Nick. Have Nick making love to me all night long. I wondered what he was doing, if he had gone to bed early as I had suggested, to catch up on the weeks of sleep deprivation.

  * * *

  Thankfully all the lights were out when I got home – the house was in darkness except for the front porch light. It was past midnight and Gabe would be sound asleep. I quietly unlocked the door, taking my shoes off as I snuck into the house.

  Gabriel was sitting in the living room in total darkness, a glass of whiskey in his hand.

  I gasped when my gaze fell on his face, etched against the dim light of the moon flooding the room. A scowl turned his mouth down, a deep furrow settled between his brows. Even in the dark, he looked pale and in agony.

  “Gabe,” I breathed, panic clear in my voice, “are you OK?”

  He didn’t move or even blink. God, don’t tell me –

  My purse crashed to the floor as I scurried across the room, my heart beating so furiously in my throat that it nearly jumped right out. Any tipsiness from the wine was gone as adrenaline spiked through my body.

  It was only when I drew close to him that I noticed his labored breathing. Thank God! I dropped to my knees in front of him and buried my face between his thighs. Relief washed over me, at least he was alive. Clearly not happy, but alive.

  His hand stroked over my hair. I shuddered and let out a small whimper.

  “Nat. You’re back.” His voice was low and racked with pain.

  Guilt tore through me at leaving him alone tonight.

  Shame washed over me at my desire to be with Nick tonight.

  “Why…why are you sitting here? Why aren’t you…sleeping? And…you know you shouldn’t be drinking –” I removed the glass from his grip and set it on the side table, avoiding his eyes.

  Without any warning, his hand shot out and cupped my chin, lifting my face up to his. His big graphite-gray eyes were pools of sadness. A wry smile twisted his lips.

  “I was waiting for you. The house is so empty without you in it.” He shrugged as if that was all the explanation needed.

  “God, Gabe, you scared me.”

  “I'm sorry. I just couldn’t stand you not being here. Everything in the bedroom reminded me of you. And…I thought – ” he swallowed hard, “I dreaded you weren’t coming home tonight. That you were…with him. It’s fucking with my mind.” Deflated, he blew out a breath.

  So much pain swirled in his eyes that I had to close mine; I couldn’t bear to look at him, knowing I caused his distress. “I'm home now,” I whispered through a tight throat, tears welling up behind my eyelids.

  “I'm glad,” he said simply, relief in his voice.

  “You should be in bed. Sleeping. Come let me help you.” I stood and held out my hand to him.

  He placed his hand in mine, but instead of getting up, he me pulled me into his lap, folding his arms around me, squeezing me to his chest. I laid my head against his shoulder and just nestled there for a moment as I gathered my thoughts. It felt strangely comforting, familiar in ways I had forgotten.

  Small circles twirled up my back, all along my spine, as we sat there in silence.

  Finally Gabe cleared his throat and spoke softly at my ear. “Nat, after this…nearly dying…I have realised that you are the most precious thing in my life. I still love you. More now than ever. But I know I can't make you love me. Your love for me has probably been squashed by my heartless behavior…I'm not proud of that and I can't blame you. I regret being so foolish more than I can ever explain.”

  “Gabe, I –”

  “Let me finish. I have been thinking about this – day and night. Please give me a chance to show you how much I love you. Give me a chance to prove to you how good we can be together again. Please?”

  There was no mistaking the anguish in his voice. His fear of my rejection. Ironic how now it was up to me if we would save our marriage. That I was the one to make the final choice. To give Gabriel – and our marriage – a second chance.

  I’d never thought I’d see the day that Gabe would be pleading with me.

  The timing couldn’t be worse.

  Nick had come all this way to tell me how much he wanted me in his life. And I was just at the point of wanting to accept all he offered me. Really falling for him.

  Now this.

  Before I could utter a word, Gabe continued, “I won't press you for an answer this minute. But I want you to really think about it. Essentially I have around six weeks to prove to you that we can be happy together again. That you can love me again. Just give me that chance.” His voice faltered. “Say ‘yes’.”

 

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