“If I had my plasma dagger!”

  “If only I had my pile bunker!”

  The two generals entered battle with what-ifs in unison.

  “So it comes to this, Cecilia!”

  “I always knew this would happen, Ling!”

  It’s said in myth that the fiercest enemies are the dragon and the tiger, and in poetry, a clash between two bitter foes is often alluded to as such. Ling and Cecilia were doing their best to fit the description.

  “YAH!”

  “HAAH!”

  As their carriers clashed, their arms intertwined, fighting each other to a standstill.

  “Ce-ci-li-a... Give... It... up...”

  “You... First... Ling...”

  They strained against each other, each occasionally relenting in hopes the other would lose their balance but unable to work their arms out of the tangle when it happened, their bodies swaying wildly. The only difference between them, the counterbalance provided by Cecilia’s breasts.

  Charlotte’s battle with Laura was the same. The haves on one side, the have-nots on the other. Life was unfair. God was dead, and only the cruel truth remained.

  “And there’s one other ‘have’...” Kanzashi set her sights on Houki and Houki alone. Nervously, Houki turned, her breasts following a moment later, which only added fuel to Kanzashi’s fire. “I won’t let myself lose!”

  “Not bad, Kanzashi! But not enough to beat me!” Just as her counterattack began, a voice rang out, drawing everyone’s attention.

  “Orimura Ichika enters the fray! Take his headband for five hundred points!”

  It was Tatenashi. And the headband, like during the school play, was rigged to give an electric shock when removed, so Ichika certainly wasn’t about to give it up himself.

  “This again?!”

  “The more the merrier, right? Do your best!”

  Everyone else turned, rounding on Ichika. After all, he was worth 500 points. No girl would pass up a chance to rocket from dead last to the top.

  “GIVE ME THAT HEADBAAAAAND!” As one, they charged at Ichika. As he stretched out a hand to fend off their attacks, all he could grasp were breasts.

  “Eeek! Ichika, you’re such a pervert~” Just to make sure she knew who she was, she followed up with “Seat number one, Aikawa Kiyoka!” Ichika couldn’t help but think that he didn’t really need the introduction.

  “I-chi-kaaaaa!” It was said that breast grudges lasted seven generations. I think. Was it? “Dieeeeeeeeee!”

  Ling swiftly deployed her IS Shenlong, firing her impact cannon as it materialized.

  “Gwah!” Panicked, Ichika brought out Byakushiki’s shield to defend.

  “It’s not over yet!” Flame leapt from the barrel of Schwarzer Regen’s revolver cannon. “Die! Die!”

  Fleeing from the girls, Ichika took to the skies. But there, a blue flash awaited him.

  “Aerial battles are just my forte.” A hail of laser fire from Blue Tears’s bits closed in from all four sides. Ichika was able to block them all with the shield on his arm-mounted Setsura, but he had nowhere left to run but even further upward.

  “Got you!”

  “...Check.”

  A swoop downward by Houki, a barrage upward from Kanzashi. There was nowhere left to run.

  “Save me, Charl!”

  “...I don’t even know you.” As she spun on a heel disgustedly, Ichika was swallowed in a swarm of explosions.

  Chapter III: Bubble Daydream

  “Ugh... They chewed me up and spit me out...”

  It was still before noon, but I was a wreck as I trudged along the... Well, officially, it was the “relaxation area,” but really you’d just call it a lawn. There were seats and benches scattered around, with girls sitting on them, all enjoying their lunches.

  “What am I gonna do for lunch...” Probably have it with the usual group, I guessed.

  “Ichi—”

  “Found you, Ichika!” I felt something light climb onto my back. It was Rin.

  “What the hell are you doing?!”

  “Hehehe. You were lost, and I found you! You should be grateful!”

  I was about to argue with her, but out of the corner of my vision, I noticed Tatenashi.

  “Heeeey, Tatenashi! Let’s all have lunch together!”

  “Eh? Um, uhh...” For some reason, she suddenly seemed like she was thrown off balance.

  “C’mon, let’s go!” She tensed up even more as I took her hand and began to walk off. Silently, she followed, looking down at the ground and with her cheeks beginning to redden. What was up with her? Did she think it made her look like she was lost or something? A short way away, the cadets were waiting at a circle of seats spread out on the lawn.

  “Oh, there you are.” Hearing her sister’s voice made Tatenashi even more embarrassed.

  “Ichika, why are you holding her hand?” Houki immediately interrogated.

  “Why don’t you bother Rin instead? Maybe figure out why she’s climbing on my damn back!”

  “Beautiful views from up here today!”

  “What are you, a meteorologist?!” Reluctantly, she hopped off, in a fluid catlike motion. “You’re still so light.”

  Especially in the chest area.

  “Ichikaaaa, I’m gonna kill you if you’re thinking what I think you are.”

  I wasn’t! Really!

  “Anyway, Tatenashi, let’s sit down.”

  “Umm... But I’m a second year, and...” It wasn’t like Tatenashi to turn down something like this.

  “Doesn’t matter! I’m sure everyone’s looking forward to your cooking.”

  Tatenashi cooked really well. I wasn’t a slouch myself, but I still couldn’t compete. Maybe she’d teach me? I’d have to ask her later, when things calmed down.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, let’s all share. We can even feed each—”

  “Yes!” I hadn’t even finished extending the offer to Tatenashi when Cecilia thrust a bite toward me. What was going on here?

  “Relax, relax. Let’s have a cup of tea or something and calm down first.”

  “Yes!” This time, it was Charl holding out a thermos full of tea.

  “Gah! Cool it! Or at least, let other people cool it! Tatenashi’s still standing, for goodness sake!”

  I beat back the rush from the others, and made a space for Tatenashi next to me.

  “Hold on a moment.” There weren’t enough seats for all of us, so I spread out my handkerchief on the ground for Tatenashi. “Here you are.”

  “Thanks...”

  I felt like I was being a bit showy, but I couldn’t just make her sit directly on the grass. I could see the grimaces on the faces of everyone else as I did it, though.

  “We really need to do something about your thing for older women, Ichika.”

  “C’mon, Houki. I’m just being polite. I’m not gonna make a girl sit on the grass.”

  “If you’re so concerned about treating a lady right, I could use a manservant.”

  “I’m nowhere near posh enough for that.”

  “Hey, Ichika, why not treat me to a parfait later? I’ve been hankering for one from San Diego, the place by the station.”

  “C’mon, Rin! You still haven’t even paid me back for the ones in middle school!”

  “There’s a finishing school for young gentlemen, Ichika. We could try it out together.”

  “If I want to learn how to be a gentleman I can just try to imitate you, Charl.”

  “Be my shield on the battlefield.”

  “That’s beyond just being a gentleman, Laura.”

  “No fair only doing it for my sister.”

  “Sorry, Kanzashi, but I had to do something.”

  While I was dealing with them, Tatenashi, the center of the mess, snapped a fan open—of which it read “fairness.”

  “I see. Why don’t we do this? For the next hour, each of you gets a private ten-minute lunch with Ichika. That way, you all get to enjoy yourselves.”

  At once, everyone brightened up.

  “That sounds like a great idea!” The first to speak up was Houki. Her eyes glittered as she clutched her lunchbox.

  “Makes sense. I like it,” Rin agreed, too, and the other girls nodded. “Let’s choose an order by playing rock-paper-scissors, okay?”

  A fist-wave, a second fist-wave, and then they showed their hands.

  “All right, I’m first!” Rin cheered.

  “So I’m to be second... Very well,” remarked Cecilia as her hair waved in the breeze.

  “I’m third. Could be worse.” Houki stood with her arms crossed.

  “...Fourth,” Kanzashi half-whispered.

  “Ugh, I can’t believe I’m bringing up the rear,” Laura muttered, and Charl whispered in her ear.

  “Hmm? Hmm. I see. That’s a good idea.” They’d decided on something. What agreements women come to in private are none of a man’s business.

  “Hmm? What about you, Tatenashi?” I’d noticed that Tatenashi didn’t participate, and she sighed when questioned.

  “Sorry. I’d love too, but I’m honestly too busy.”

  “Really? It’s just a few minutes.” Something was up. This definitely wasn’t the Tatenashi I was used to. Oh well.

  “All right, let’s get started! Ichika, let’s sit on that bench.”

  “Okay.”

  Rin dragged me off toward the bench, quickly plopping her lunch box in her lap and popping the top open.

  “Ta-dah! My sweet-and-spicy cashew chicken!”

  “Ooh, it looks good.”

  “It doesn’t just look good, it is good!” She seemed pretty proud of herself. Even puffing out what little chest she had as she spoke.

  The boyish look isn’t that bad, I guess. Since what’d happened a few days back, I was really starting to notice the girls, but Rin was still my precious second childhood friend.

  “Anyway, let me feed you.” She took a piece of chicken in her chopsticks. “Say ‘ahh!’”

  Ugh. This was gonna be a problem.

  “Nah, I’m fine. People are watching. I can feed myself.”

  “Seriously? Now you decide to be embarrassed by it? C’mon, open wide!”

  “Really, I can feed myself.”

  “I told you, open wide!”

  “Mmph!” I’d clamped my mouth shut to show my refusal. Shut as tight as Amaterasu’s cave.

  “So you don’t want to eat my cooking?” Her eyes gleamed as threateningly as swords.

  “I’ll eat it, I’ll eat it! Mmm.” I quickly stuffed a piece of chicken in my mouth, but Rin’s eyes gleamed even brighter with dissatisfaction.

  “I’m going to feed you! Open wide!” A piece of chicken was thrust at me like a lancepoint.

  “That’s dangerous!”

  “Don’t try to get away!” Rin thrust. I dodged. Rin thrust. I dodged. This happened over and over, dozens of times, until her pigtails were standing on end in frustration. “Ichikaaaaa!”

  “Yeah?!”

  The impact cannons of Rin’s IS Shenlong phased into existence on either side.

  “If you dodge left or right, you’ll die— Just eat my food already!”

  Ugh, she was taking this seriously. Rin shoved a piece of chicken straight forward. As it entered my mouth, I felt shots from the cannon blow past either side of my head. I could feel my back get covered in a cold sweat.

  “So? How is it?” she asked as she gave me a more-than-perfect, 12/10 smile.

  “Ymmh... It’s... good, Rin.”

  “That’s nice.”

  And then, her 10 minutes were up.

  “I’m quite sure you’ve been looking forward to this. Next, you’ll have the privilege of tasting Cecilia Alcott’s cooking!”

  I could practically hear the applause. We were at a table in the cafeteria, laid out with a fancy silk tablecloth which must have been her own. Cecilia’s cooking has gotten a lot better, so I guess I don’t need to worry. It wouldn’t be as bad as before. I don’t think I’d ever felt so much relief.

  “And today’s menu is...”

  I heard an orchestra hit. An actual orchestra hit. Not just some kind of sound effect like in a comic book, I swear I heard it.

  “Uh, Cecilia? What’s in the bowl?” I glanced suspiciously at the lidded ramen bowl she presented.

  “Aha. I’ve come to enjoy cooking!”

  Ah, that explains it. No, wait, that explains nothing! I heard it again.

  “And why are there antennae poking out?”

  Cecilia chuckled and said, “Open it and see!”

  It was some kind of crustacean. At least, it didn’t look like an actual bug. So that was okay-ish. Summoning up all of my courage, I lifted the lid, and a waft of steam floated up.

  “Gaaaaaaaah! My eyes, my eyes! It’s not just hot! It hurts! My eyes hurt! What’s in this?!”

  “It’s tom yum goong. I’m not sure if you know this, but ‘tom’ means boiled, ‘yum’ is the spice mix, and ‘goong’ means shrimp.”

  I knew that much! I meant, what was making it smell like that?! It was spicy! Even just the steam was too spicy!

  “I cooked the finest Ise lobster, along with the best squid, oysters, abalone, salmon, and sea urch—”

  “I know, I know! But why is it so red?!” The tom yum goong was bright red. Crimson, even. I could almost see it glimmer.

  This soup in front of me is burning red! Its shimmering glint tells me to dig in!

  “I’ve heard capsaicin gives you energy, so I used plenty of ghost peppers.”

  “Ghost peppers?! You mean the hottest ones in the world?!”

  “And then I spiced it up a bit with a concentrated extract, as well.”

  She honestly looked pleased with herself. I could tell she was telling the truth when she said she enjoyed cooking now, so she didn’t mean any harm by it. And while things may have definitely improved, she’d done what every beginner chef does when they start to get their bearings—she’d experimented. And... There’s no way I can eat this!

  The red one was, uh, way more than three times spicier. A literal red comet. The gods of death were lining up now. Covered in blackness, but burning bright red.

  “Am I a dying man...”

  “Huh?”

  “Oh, nothing.” Cecilia smiled broadly as I lifted the spoon, gingerly carrying a sip of soup to my mouth.

  “Ugh... My fingers hurt already...”

  “What are you waiting for? Go right ahead!”

  If this was how I died, so be it. Buddha have mercy! I dumped the spoonful of red, red soup into my mouth.

  “GWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” It was so spicy it hurt! It hurt so much, like with the intensity of a thousand suns. The extra-super-spicy soup spread through my mouth, scorching my nostrils, burning my tongue, destroying my throat, and stabbing at my stomach. “Graack! Ghg! Grah!”

  The worst part was the steam entering my lungs and choking me. Tears fell from my eyes.

  “Well, well! I appreciate the tears of gratitude!”

  “Ah, haha, ahahahaha...” I couldn’t taste the seafood at all. Somehow, though, I’d survived my 10 minutes with Cecilia.

  “You’re late, Ichika!”

  I was still gasping for air as I met up with Houki in the dining hall. Just breathing brought fire-hot wafts of steam back and I couldn’t speak up.

  “Sorry,” I barely managed to gasp.

  “H-Hey. You’re sweating like a pig. Are you okay?” Houki could tell something was wrong, and leaned forward to peer at me worriedly.

  Ba-dum. For just a moment, my heart leapt.

  “I... I’hhm fine...” I shied back in embarrassment, but she followed even closer. As she did, the swell of her chest tenting her gym clothes swayed alluringly.

  “What happened? Be honest.”

  “Well, what happened was...” I explained myself.

  “Ugh. Just hearing about it is making my own tongue tingle.”

  “Yeah... So, uh, I don’t think I’m even going to be able to taste whatever you have for me...” It wasn’t anything either of us were to blame for, but I still sunk my head apologetically. “Sorry, Houki.”

  “Well, um... Actually... Really, I think I’ll have plenty of chances to show off my cooking. It’s okay.” She seemed a little embarrassed herself. I kind of found it cute.

  I’m such a weirdo. As I self-critiqued, Houki clapped her hands together and said, “Ooh! I have an idea! Hold on a sec!”

  She raced to the lunch counter. I panted like a dog as I waited, trying to cool down my tongue.

  “Sorry to keep you waiting.” Houki had somehow managed to find a shaved ice this late in the year. It was a beautiful cup of snow with sweet adzuki beans and green tea syrup. Just looking at it cooled me down. “I talked them into making this. Have some, it should tone down the spice a bit.”

  “Houki.”

  “Wh-What?”

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome,” Houki laughed shyly. Seeing her smile sent my heart racing again.

  “We don’t have much time, so I guess I’d better eat quick!” I dug into the shaved ice to distract myself from thinking of her as a woman.

  “H-Hey. If you eat it that quick, you’re going to—”

  The world froze.

  “Gah, my head!” I’d given myself brain freeze. First my stomach, then my head! Was this some kind of torture? “Ughhhh...”

  “It’s because you ate it so quick. Jeez.” Houki got up close to me and rested her palm on my forehead. “That must have hurt. You don’t need to push yourself so hard.”

  “I guess...” Her kindness—and her breasts directly in my line of sight—made my heart skip a beat.

  “Just relax.”

  “Okay.” Grateful for her concern, I slowly finished the shaved ice. And that’s how my 10 minutes with Houki went.

  “And it’s finally my turn. You must be getting pretty full, Ichika.” Kanzashi held out a wafer pastry. “When you’re tired, you need sugar.”

  “Sugar, huh. Yeah, you’re right. Pastry’s a sweet way to get enough of that.” I nearly rolled my eyes at my own pun.

  Cough. Cough, cough. Eh? Kanzashi’s face was expressionless as she coughed up pieces of her own wafer.

 

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