She didn’t say anything.

  “These men are probably going to XX and 〇〇 you before they finally △△, I’m sure of it. You might not like it, but they’ll probably force a □□ ☆☆ into your—”

  She still didn’t say anything, but she gave a sharp intake of breath and the blood drained from her face.

  I’m sure she was picturing the sort of depraved stuff that would have violated the Under-18 law in Japan. The girl started to weep.

  “What are you saying?!” Hikaru-san demanded. “Have you gone completely insane?!”

  “Oh... no...” the girl moaned.

  “Oh, you poor, unfortunate soul!” I cried.

  “Will you shut up already?!” Hikaru-san shouted.

  I, however, went on tossing out one idea after another, listing off things that would give an ero game writer pause. Honestly, I was a little bit frightened by how readily I could reel off a whole slew of words you definitely could not say on television. But, uh, let’s not worry about that for now.

  “N... N... Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!”

  The girl’s terror had finally reached a fever pitch. She trembled and wept as if she had completely forgotten she even had a knife at her neck.

  “So on that note,” I said, “do you think you could crouch down for me? I’m going to fire off some magic.”

  “Huh...?”

  With all the strength I could muster, I swiped away the hand of the guy grasping my shoulder, raising my own right arm. It was my extreme good luck that the men, confident of their victory, hadn’t immediately stopped me from talking to the young woman.

  For a second, the girl was as surprised as they were, but as I swept the man’s arm aside, she closed her eyes and ducked down. And then—

  “Tifu Murottsu!”

  A gust of wind slammed into the men. With a collection of short cries, they were blown away... along with the girl.

  I thought I had aimed the spell high enough that it would just catch the men’s heads, but apparently the girl had gotten tangled up with the kidnappers as they all went tumbling and had been pulled along.

  Geez. I am really, really sorry about this.

  As I mentally apologized, I rushed over to the groaning men. I thought there was a chance I would have to hit them with another burst of magic. But maybe I really nailed them, because they all just lay there moaning, not showing any sign of getting up.

  “Gosh...”

  For better or for worse, it looked like my magic had come out considerably stronger than I’d expected. Okay, so it wasn’t great that I had caught the girl in the blast, but she looked uninjured, and she was still breathing.

  All’s well that ends well, right?

  ..................No?

  As I was nervously hauling the girl up, I heard Hikaru-san whisper, “Don’t tell me... Did you deliberately get yourself captured?”

  “I was afraid it wouldn’t be strong enough if I didn’t get close,” I said. “I’m just a beginner, so my magic isn’t very accurate, either. Then again, that helped me hit all of them, I guess.”

  “And all those terrible things you were saying...?”

  “To cover up my chanting,” I said with a rueful smile.

  Their crystal wouldn’t let them know I was using magic, so the only real problem was actually intoning the spell. I needed the girl to scream in order to cover the sound of my muttering an incantation.

  Trust me, making girls cry by describing horrific carnal acts to them is not how I get my kicks.

  ......Seriously, trust me. Please?

  The girl’s eyes drifted open.

  “Oh, you’ve come to.”

  “Ahhhhh!” she screamed.

  H-Hey, no, I swear I wasn’t—

  I was just about to try to explain myself when I felt something cold against my neck. I didn’t have to turn around to know what it was. I could see the tip of a sword out of the corner of my eye. Someone was holding a blade to my neck from behind me. Whoever it was, if they wanted to, they could slit my throat with the slightest motion.

  The man exclaimed angrily.

  Now that was something I understood, ring or no ring. Nice try, or something like that.

  Crap. I dropped the ball here.

  I knew that when it came to magical attacks, my amateur abilities couldn’t stand up to those of a full-fledged mage; I wasn’t as accurate and couldn’t use a spell repeatedly. But it looked like there was a real difference in power, too. Given that the girl had regained consciousness, I shouldn’t have been surprised that her more physically fit captors had one or two members who would recover quickly. Maybe this guy had just pretended to be knocked out like the rest of his friends and waited for a moment when my guard was down.

  This was very bad. I was going to die.

  Panic caused my mind to go blank. Here I thought we had cleverly escaped the Assembly of Patriots, but I had badly underestimated them. What to do? What to do? Was there any possible way I could escape this situation?

  I tried to think over the fear inspired by the cold steel, when—

  Shunk.

  There was a dull noise. Just for a second, I thought maybe it was the sound of my throat being slit, but I felt no pain, and there was no blood.

  At length, there came a heavy thump, like something hitting the ground. That was when I noticed: I no longer felt the blade at my neck.

  Ever so slowly, I turned around.

  And there was Hikaru-san with a sword in his hand.

  He must have snuck up behind the guy and attacked him. I assumed he had gotten the weapon from one of the Patriots who was still on the ground. From the fact that my own antagonist wasn’t spurting blood, I guessed Hikaru-san had hit him with the flat of the blade rather than stabbing him.

  “Yikes...”

  The man’s eyes had rolled up into his head. That must have been a pretty powerful blow.

  “What?” Hikaru-san asked almost sulkily as I looked at him.

  “Nothing, that’s just... really something. Swords are heavier than they look. I’m impressed you were able to swing that thing around.”

  I had once gotten an opportunity to hold the weapon of one of the royal guards at Eldant Castle, and I had felt like it weighed a ton. Apparently these wide, double-edged longswords were created less to cut than to smash through armor, and as such were naturally heavy.

  “I like to keep in shape,” Hikaru-san said, putting his hands on his hips. “You think it’s easy to wear girls’ clothes? You put on one ounce of excess weight, and suddenly you don’t fit anymore.” He sounded like he was in his element.

  “Heh, right,” I said drily.

  Then we both gave very, very long sighs, relaxing at last.

  First things first: we tied the Assembly of Patriots guys to a nearby tree with some rope. Conveniently for us, it was in the carriage along with several pairs of handcuffs and manacles; presumably, they had been planning to kidnap more than one person. The birds had become docile—in fact, they hardly moved at all, so we just tied them to the tree. I guessed this effect was deliberate so that if whoever was controlling them with magic lost consciousness, they wouldn’t just wander off somewhere.

  I wondered if that meant the birds who had attacked Minori-san had calmed down, too.

  Then Hikaru-san and I, along with the kidnapped girl, got some distance from the men and waited for Minori-san.

  After what had happened with Bahairam, Minori-san had given me a super small broadcasting device to carry. The battery was only good for about twelve hours, so she had warned me only to turn it on in the event something happened to me. She would come running.

  “Um...”

  Suddenly Hikaru-san was looking at me uncomfortably. He held up his hand so I could see him removing his ring. He must have wanted to talk about something that he didn’t want the girl to overhear. Since both parties to a conversation had to be wearing rings for them to work, we could prevent her from understanding our words by taking ours off. Well, technically, she wouldn’t be understanding our words regardless, but anyway...

  I took off my magic ring.

  Only then did Hikaru-san begin to speak, his eyes on the ground. “About that ero game...”

  His eyebrows furrowed. Maybe it was the way his shoulders were slumped, but he looked oddly small. It was especially weird to me because it made him seem—well, kind of sweet, almost endearing; even though I knew he was a guy. The way he was usually so brazen—almost sadistic—gave this vulnerable side of him a “moe of the gaps” quality.

  No! I wasn’t moe for him. I was not moe for him. I wasn’t.

  Or so I insisted to myself like a mantra.

  “And the trading cards, too... I didn’t... I guess I didn’t quite think them through. I admit there was... a failure of imagination on my part. And I’m sorry for that.”

  I looked at him with my mouth hanging open. I had never expected him to admit his mistakes so candidly. The game and the cards might not actually have anything to do with the kidnapping by the Assembly of Patriots—but seeing real addicts appear among the student population, and finally being present at a real kidnapping, had apparently shocked him into reconsidering his perspective. Had made him realize that things don’t always go the way you expect.

  “But what are we going to do? Even if we confiscate them all—”

  His point seemed to be that you can’t put the genie back in the bottle.

  Then there was the issue of that crystal ball with that image recorded on it. We could confiscate all the game systems and all the ero games around, but the content would continue to circulate in the form of those crystal balls. It made me think of all the gameplay videos on all the video sites on the web and all the views they got.

  It was testimony to how hard it was to stop people from seeking out what they wanted. Regardless of what the original creator might have intended...

  “Oh, that.” I, however, gave a confident nod. “I have... well, let’s call it a special plan.”

  Hikaru-san looked at me, puzzled. Maybe it seemed strange that I should be so confident at this point. But I could at least say this: Hikaru-san might have been smarter than me, and a better businessman, but there was just one way in which I overwhelmingly outclassed him.

  Experience.

  I had been in the Eldant Empire for close to a year and had a sense of things that he couldn’t possibly have after just a month. I knew who the people of this country really were, much better than he did.

  For better and for worse, the people of the Eldant Empire had a pure approach to culture. They had accepted trading cards and ero games, which we had simply floated as ideas, eagerly. It’s just like how, if you’re not used to drugs or alcohol, even the weakest stuff can have a profound effect on you. I had learned that firsthand long ago.

  “Anyway... Just leave it to me.”

  I clenched my fist and then gave him a big thumbs-up.

  Three days later.

  I was at Eldant Castle.

  “Shinichi. This way,” Petralka said, beckoning to me.

  Specifically, I was on a balcony overlooking the central courtyard, along with Petralka, Minori-san, Garius, and Prime Minister Zahar. Down in the courtyard was a huge crowd including knights, nobles, the nobles’ kids, and on and on. There probably hadn’t been a gathering this big since our infamous movie showing.

  “Ahem. I believe all is ready,” the prime minister said.

  “That’s a big help,” I replied. “Thanks.”

  “Don’t mention it,” Garius said. “It was you who caught the gang we were all after, Shinichi. This hardly amounts to a reward, but the least we can do is accommodate your request.”

  The people from the Assembly of Patriots had been arrested, thanks to which the other kidnapped girl had also been safely recovered. In general, things were looking up.

  Incidentally, Eldant also captured and was investigating the big birds with the spikes through their heads—there seemed to be every indication that Bahairam had been pulling the strings here. More to the point, that made it appear that Bahairam was supporting anti-government factions in Eldant behind the scenes. The Patriots’ profound class prejudice seemed antithetical to the all-are-equal ideals of Bahairam, but apparently they figured that the enemy of their enemy was their friend. Garius, as head of military matters in the nation, evaluated the situation like so: “There is danger in having such an unprincipled and undiscriminating group for enemies, but the silver lining is that we’ve obtained a perfect example of the Bahairamanian secret weapon about which we wondered so much.” Then again, given that it was a secret weapon and they knew they were giving it to a group with opposite ideas to theirs from whence it might fall into the hands of the enemy, I thought it would have been logical to attach a self-destruct device or something. But whatever.

  I stepped forward, holding in my hand a megaphone I’d borrowed from the JSDF. Petralka stood beside me, to lend me authority. I took a deep breath to relieve my nervousness, then looked out once more over the courtyard.

  The gathered crowd looked back at me, quiet, waiting for me to speak. They didn’t know yet what I was going to say. I had simply asked that the nobles and other people who lived around here—specifically, anyone who had been involved with the ero game in this instance or who seemed like they might encounter such a game in the future—be brought here to hear something important that Kanou Shinichi, the evangelist of otaku culture, had to say.

  That meant everyone here was of a certain social station—and they all possessed magic rings.

  I swallowed audibly. This had been my idea, but faced with so many people, I couldn’t help being a little nervous. Ugh—hang on. Were my knees trembling?

  “Shinichi...” From beside me, Petralka discreetly took my hand.

  “Petralka...” I looked at her, and she nodded to me with a small smile.

  Ahhhh! You’re so cute, Your Majesty! You’re adorable!

  Even as the moe excitement welled up in my heart, outwardly, I became more calm.

  All right. I can do this.

  I took a deep breath.

  “My friends, it has often been said that I like pretty girls.”

  I didn’t have to talk very loud for the megaphone to pick up my voice and carry it to the entire courtyard.

  “My friends, I like pretty girls. No, friends, I love pretty girls!”

  A mutter ran through the crowd at this startling pronouncement.

  “I love maids. I love loli girls. I love big-sister types. I love kouhai characters. I love sailor suits, blazers, and swimsuits. I love tsunderes and boyish girls. At school, in the classroom, in the hallway, in the schoolyard, at home, at the pool, at the beach, in town, in a big mansion, in the woods—I adore every type of girl that exists in two dimensions!”

  I could hear my own voice getting louder and louder as I spoke.

  Yes! I can speak! Mein Führer, I can speak!

  “I love when a powerful tsundere character thunders something and sends the protagonist flying with a kick. My heart leaps with joy when, later, she shows her softer side. I love yanderes who do the most outrageous things because they love the protagonist so much. And the feeling when she chopped off that disgusting MC’s head and put an ax in her rival’s belly was so exquisite. I love kuuderes, with their expressionless faces and sharp gazes. It moves me deep within my heart when an otherwise impassive heroine blushes just for a second.”

  The murmuring among the nobles became louder. I ignored them, clenching my fist emphatically.

  Yeah. Now would be the perfect time to have some glasses, or at least a Charlie Chaplin moustache.

  “Gentlemen, all I ask for is beautiful girls—for two heavenly dimensions! Gentlemen, I ask you, as fellow brothers-in-arms, what is it that you really want? Three dimensions? Merciless, stinking reality? No! Yearn for 2D!”

  As my shout trailed off, I heard someone in the crowd shout back: “Two-dee!”

  Uh, actually, I have to admit... I had engineered that one.

  I’d heard how important timing was in getting a spark to catch when it came to things like this, so I had planted Myusel and Elvia in the crowd, dressed in Hikaru-san’s clothes so they looked like nobles. And then...

  “2D!” someone else shouted.

  Perfect! The spark is burning!

  “2D! 2D! 2D!”

  The shouts began to overlap, filling the air with a rumbling echo. It was mostly students who were shouting—them, and their brothers and sisters. In other words, the people who had already been “infected” by otaku culture. Their parents seemed, for the most part, just surprised. But that wasn’t a problem.

  “2D! 2D! 2D! 2D! 2D! 2D!”

  To any outside observer, I’m sure it would have been a truly bizarre sight. But as far as I was concerned, it was exactly what I had been waiting for.

  “Very well. Then 2D is what you shall have.” Unconsciously, the corners of my mouth turned up. The point here was to make sure it was the nastiest, cruelest smile I could muster. “We are a clenched fist, about to come crashing down with all the strength we can muster. For we who have wallowed in the darkness of reality for so long, simple ‘ordinary’ 2D will no longer suffice! 2D! Exceptionally beautiful girls!”

  Mmm. That felt good.

  I went on in high spirits.

  “We are just one part of one country, numbering less than a thousand strong. But I believe that each of you is a tried and true warrior, every single one of you worth a thousand troops. So between us, we represent a Comiket with the power of a million and one men!”

  Caught up in the excitement, I raised both hands. I didn’t even know if the megaphone was still projecting my voice, but by this point everyone was hanging on my every word, and frankly, it didn’t much matter what I said.

  “Let us bring low those who will not turn their eye toward 2D! Let us show them the joy of beautiful two-dimensional girls! They shall know how wonderful the second dimension is! They shall know that there is more moe in heaven and earth than is dreamt of in their philosophy! Our kampfgruppe of one thousand otaku is going to burn this world down to moe ash! Stand with me, friends!”

 

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