The Doctor's Orders, page 15
“I could go to church. But it might be really different. It probably would be. I don’t think I’d be able to be a deacon. There would absolutely be people who stopped associating with me, who kept their kids from me.” When Erin made a face, Nick held up a hand. “It’s how some people think. It isn’t right, no, but I’m not interested in walking away from a whole community that’s been so crucial to every aspect of my life and my family’s life. That church saved us when we nearly lost our house, when my father died and the business was going under. They kept me going when that old board was jerking me around and pretty much mocking me openly. I get that it might seem an easy choice to some people, to walk away if they don’t support me, but that’s not how it is for me.”
“But surely your family would stand by you.”
A thick, heavy bag of emotions exploded within Nick with the impact of that statement. He took several deep breaths and shifted in his chair as he worked out how he wanted to respond.
Once again, something hijacked his consciousness and spoke for him. It led with a story about his father.
“My dad, I swear, never slept. He was up at dawn, fussing with something broken in the house or going over work he brought home—and sometimes he made breakfast for my mother. When I woke up, he was always already dressed, smiling and admonishing us to eat our oatmeal and get ready for school. He sat up with me and helped me with my math homework the night he died. I remember he kept rubbing his chest and didn’t look good, but he told me he was fine and I should focus on getting my algebra done. It wasn’t until after he was gone, until I was older, that I found out how much he’d been fighting, how things were hard because he’d dared to take on the corrupt hospital board.”
Erin appeared stricken. “I’m so sorry for my family’s part in your father’s struggle.”
Nick didn’t want to dredge that battle up again. “The point is, he worked, and he sacrificed. So who am I to complain because I want….”
“Happiness?” Erin leaned forward, his expression soft. “I don’t think your father would begrudge you that.”
“He would definitely have begrudged me this particular path to it. His views on homosexuality were stark and clearly stated, repeatedly, directly to my face. He didn’t like hearing about it on the news. He didn’t like it anywhere. He viewed it as an abomination to God and manhood. He’d have been the first one in line to tell me it was sinful and wrong.”
Erin nodded, wincing a little. “I’m not saying it doesn’t matter that your father, who you so admire, had unfortunate views about your orientation. Or that it doesn’t matter that your church does, because I know it means a lot to you. Surely, though, you see it’s not a reason to deny yourself a full life? Your grandmother is the one who always asked me if I was happy, and I’ve never heard her say anything untoward about Owen and me.”
“Yeah, well, there’s other people, and then there’s her grandson.” Nick ran a hand over his hair. “Mom and Grandma didn’t talk about it as much as Dad did, no. But I know they wouldn’t like me coming out. It’s a complicated thing. They can think it’s wrong and still be civil to people who are gay. Besides, what you do in your own time is your business. But I’m their business. This is about our religion, our family name, and their sense of what a man is supposed to be like. I’m meant to carry on the family name, have all the babies.”
“But you can still do both of those things as a gay man. Also, right now, you don’t date. Have they pressured you to see women?”
“They used to introduce me, but they stopped when I moved back because I was so stressed with everything going on. It’s started to pick up again, though, with things calmed down.”
Erin spoke carefully. “Do you think… maybe they know? Or suspect?”
The thought left Nick cold. He’d tried so hard not to dwell on that, even though part of him had never not been worrying about it. “It’s possible,” he said when he was able to find his voice again. “If they do, they’re operating on the idea that I’m doing the right thing, not acting on it.”
“You’re doing an incredible amount of assuming. I know you’re going to say I don’t know your family like you do, and you’re right. But as someone who knows them a little, and as someone you’ve said yourself is good at reading people, please consider you might be letting your fear of their rejection color your thoughts. I’m not saying you’re wrong. I’m saying you can’t know you’re right.”
“Well, how do I know how they’ll react, then?”
Erin sighed. “I don’t know. It wasn’t like I formally came out to my father, so I’m not one to talk. Owen simply kissed me in the middle of the bachelor auction. Even if I had made an announcement, though, it wouldn’t be the same as your situation. We don’t have the relationship you do with your mother, grandmother, and sister. My father’s also not a fifth of the person your mother and grandmother are on their worst day.”
“The only thing I’m sure of is I have to find a way to at least try to make this work with Jared. I’m willing to walk a bit outside of my comfort zone, but I can’t leap off the diving board into the deep end.” He glowered. “Though I can’t drag my feet so much that he gets a roommate. Especially since I know Matt Engleton will be the first person to apply.”
Erin sat up straighter. “Wait, what’s this? Jared wants a roommate? Is he having trouble with the mortgage? He told us we bought him out with enough. Why didn’t he say something?”
“It’s not about money.” Too late, Nick realized this was likely information Jared didn’t want the others to know, but he couldn’t stop the train now. “He’s lonely, apparently.”
As expected, Erin seemed crestfallen. “Oh, no. I had no idea. Why didn’t he—? We told him he could move in with us, we said he could have whatever….” His shoulders sagged farther. “Of course he felt like he couldn’t say anything to us. I feel awful.”
“Please don’t tell the others. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“How can I not?” When Nick gave him a long look, Erin grimaced. “Fine. But I will find excuses to bother him more.”
“I don’t think it’s that. He misses people around in the morning when he wakes up and when he goes to bed, making dinner with people. It’s different, living with someone versus visiting them.”
He froze, and as he stared at Erin, it was clear they were thinking the same thing. Except while Erin was excited by the idea, Nick was terrified.
I could be the one to answer his call for a roommate.
“It’s perfect,” Erin said.
“It’s bananas. They’ll want to know why I want to move out all of a sudden.”
“So come up with a reason.”
“Well, the only one I can think of is I want to fuck my secret boyfriend.”
“A reason other than that. We can think of something if we do it together.” Erin tapped his fingers against his laptop, then smiled. “What if we used the truth? You’re concerned about Jared. You reconnected with him while you spent all that time in the elevator together, and he confessed things to you he hasn’t told other people. One of the things was he’s incredibly lonely now that everyone else has moved out. You want to move in with him.”
Nick held up a finger. “They’ll ask why doesn’t somebody else move in with him. They’ll want to know, why does it have to be me?”
“Ah, but see, he doesn’t want to room with someone he doesn’t know well. This is why he hasn’t put up a notice about rooms for rent. He can’t bear to room with a stranger after rooming with people he was so close to for so long. That’s why it can only be you. You were friends for years, and you were quite close. They know this. It’s not a lie at all, not a word.”
It honestly could work. Goddamn, but Erin was good. “Okay… but what if they suspect me already? What if they suspect the two of us already? What if it’s worse than you said and they knew about us in high school?”
“You honestly think if they knew in high school they wouldn’t have said anything?”
Nick felt dizzy. “I can’t even guess at this point.”
“Okay. So tell me this. What happens if they do suspect you? What if they call you out? Does the world end?”
The world might end. Except of course that was only a feeling. A huge, heavy one, but it was real. A fear, as Erin had said. Nick shut his eyes. “I don’t know.”
“Let me rephrase. Is this the kind of risk you feel like you could take, to try to be with Jared?”
Nick swore under his breath and slouched in his chair. “You sure don’t pull any punches.”
Erin said nothing, only folded his arms and waited patiently for a reply.
Nick rubbed his hair and sighed. “I think… maybe. Yes. I’d have to consider how I’d word it and what I’d do if they called me out, but I feel there’s a path here.”
His heart beat so hard against his ribs his chest hurt. But for the first time when he thought about this, he knew almost as much excitement as he did fear.
Erin’s smile seemed to say he understood this emotion without being told. “Then I’d say you have a legitimate reason for asking Jared to lunch again.”
Nick smiled too. “Yeah. I think I do.”
Chapter Nine
ON THE last Tuesday in June, Jared was weighing a three-month-old baby when Helen stuck her head around the corner of the well-baby room, eyes wide as saucers. “Dr. Kumpel. I have a message for you.”
He didn’t look up from the scale. “Can it wait until I’m finished with my patient?”
“Well—yes, but I didn’t think you’d want it to.” She frowned at the infant. “Why are you weighing babies?”
“My nurse is sick, and I feel bad bothering the float nurses all the time. Besides.” He smiled at the little girl gazing up at him with a toothless grin and caught one of her sets of brown toes. “I love an excuse to spend more time with my angels.” The infant let out a coo that melted Jared’s heart, and he wrinkled his nose and made a goofy face to see if he could coax out another adorable sound as he continued to talk to Helen, his voice taking on an edge of baby talk. “So what was it you had to tell me, hmm?”
“Mr. Beckert’s office called and said he’d like you to stop by. They want to know if you’re available for lunch, or if he should catch you after clinic hours.”
Jared finally glanced up. “Oh?”
Helen’s gaze took on a far-too-interested sheen. “Also. He wanted to know if it would be more convenient if he came to you for lunch instead, but he didn’t want to intrude if you were busy.”
Nick, you need lessons in gossip management. “Well, I should think he’s the busier one of the two of us.” He returned his focus to the baby, though his heartbeat was quickening now as he tried to guess what Nick wanted and why he hadn’t just texted.
Of course, maybe he had. Jared hadn’t had two seconds to glance at his phone.
The baby gurgled to get Jared’s attention, and Jared blew a raspberry. “What’s my schedule?” he asked, then waggled his tongue until his patient giggled.
“You have an hour and a half open starting at twelve thirty, unless we fall behind.”
Jared looked up, aghast. “How is my schedule that open?”
“Two cancellations back to back, and we didn’t fill them with walk-ins because of the nurse issue. Copper Point People is buzzing about it, parents all up in arms because they think it’s unfair.”
Everything was normal, then. “Well, I’d say I should decline lunch to help out at the clinic, but how do you refuse the CEO?”
“Should I tell him you’ll be up?”
Jared smiled at the baby as he clapped her fat feet together. “Yes. Ask him what he wants to eat, then order it for me, would you?” He paused to make one last face at his patient, who was loving this personal doctor theater zone she had going. “I owe him for the last time he dropped by.”
“Will do.” She hovered, looking as if she wanted to say more, then gave up and disappeared.
Lifting the baby from the scale, Jared drew her into his arms, then leaned in close to whisper, “Your doctor has a date, Danielle.”
She cooed excitedly in reply.
At twelve forty-five, Jared finished climbing the last of the stairs to the third floor of the hospital. He wasn’t exactly winded, but he was keenly aware he didn’t take three flights of stairs on a regular basis. Ironically, despite Nick having been the one with the initial elevator phobia post-accident, he had quickly conquered it and was now riding the elevator with ease when the situation called for it. Jared, on the other hand, had never officially had a panic attack and yet went out of his way to avoid the things. He was about ready to force the issue with himself, though, because he was a little tired of all the accidental StairMaster sessions.
He was catching his breath as he nodded at Wendy and knocked on the open door of Nick’s office, brandishing the food bag from India Palace instead of saying hello.
Smiling, Nick rose and came to greet him. “Good to see you.”
Nick took the bag from Jared and set it on the coffee table near his sitting area. Then he shut the door, drew Jared against the wall behind it, and gave him the greeting he’d been waiting for.
Jared laced his wrists behind Nick’s neck and let his body go slack as Nick ran his hands up his sides and closed his mouth over Jared’s in a lazy, sensual kiss that had heat behind it but no rush. It was unexpected and delicious, making Jared’s skin shiver and his bones melt.
“Hello to you too,” Jared murmured when Nick finally pulled back. Unconsciously, he chased after his lips.
Nick nipped his nose and caught Jared’s hand to lead him to the food. “Sit down with me. I have something to tell you. Or rather, suggest to you.”
“I love it when you get suggestive.”
Nick shoved him lightly, but he was all smiles as they sat. “Let’s eat first, though. I’m hungry.”
“You’re teasing.”
Except even as Jared said that, he realized it wasn’t true. For all Nick’s relaxation, he was a little nervous. He wasn’t teasing. He was stalling.
Nick put a hand over Jared’s leg. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m not here to break up with you. It’s a good thing. Let me do this in my own time, all right?”
Jared sighed, and Nick held up a piece of naan laden with butter chicken for him to eat instead of mope.
He did his best not to worry, but his brain went in ten thousand directions, wondering what Nick wanted to tell him, and though he’d said it was a good thing, Jared could only guess negatives. If it wasn’t breaking up, it was probably slowing down, which was a laugh because they were already a glacier. If it was that they had to be more discreet, they might as well not speak at all, because they could barely see each other as it was.
Nick flicked the center of his forehead. “Stop it. I can practically hear you worrying. Can you really not think of anything good I might be about to tell you?”
Jared rubbed at the spot where Nick had hit. “It’s not that. I just… I don’t know. I guess I’m afraid to guess the wrong thing and get my hopes up.”
Setting down his tray, Nick turned to face Jared on the sofa, lacing his fingers together. He looked serious, apprehensive… and a little excited. “Well, you’ll have to have your hopes up a bit. I can’t promise this will work for sure. I have to approach my family, which I think I’ve worked out how I’ll do. But I’ve been trying to figure out ways for us to be together, and this is the best thing I could think of.” He let out a slow, nervous breath, lifting his gaze in an almost shy smile. “If the roommate position is still available, I want to apply.”
Jared stared at him as the world became soft and slightly out of focus, his breath abruptly heavy and loud inside his ears. “Is this a joke?” he whispered at last, voice trembling.
Nick’s smile faded. “You think I’d make a joke about this?”
“No, but—” Jared’s breath caught in his throat, and a tear he hadn’t known was there ran out of his eye and down his cheek.
Nick stopped it with his thumb, his expression transforming into something possessive and sheltering.
More tears appeared out of nowhere, surprising Jared as much as they did Nick. Jared reached up to wipe them away, then gave up and searched for a box of tissues. When he couldn’t find one and Nick produced a handkerchief for him, a sob escaped as well.
“Sweetheart.” Nick stroked his hair, his cheeks. “Why are you crying? I didn’t mean to make you sad.”
“I’m not s-sad.” Shutting his eyes, Jared slouched forward and rested his forehead against Nick’s shoulder.
For once, Nick didn’t worry about the damn door, too busy comforting him. “You’re crying.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry. But what did I say?”
Jared buried his face in Nick’s neck. He searched for a less vulnerable reply, then gave up. “That I might not have to be alone.”
The arms that wrapped around him felt so good he wanted time to stop. “Have you felt that lonely?”
Jared shrugged, sinking deeper into Nick’s embrace. “I tried not to focus on it.”
“You should have told the others.”
How pathetic should he be? Might as well dive all the way in. “You assume I’ve only felt this way since they moved out.”
“Baby.”
Jared’s heart, fluttering like a nervous butterfly inside his chest, settled down as Nick lifted his face and kissed him again, this time full of promise as well as passion.
“You’re not alone,” Nick whispered hotly into Jared’s forehead as he pulled back. “Neither one of us is anymore.”
Sighing, Jared relaxed into him.
Nick stroked Jared’s hair, his low, rumbling voice quiet in Jared’s ear. “So am I to take it this is a yes, you’ll have me?”
“Of course it’s a yes,” Jared said, and held tight to his man.
NICK WANTED to figure out how to talk to his mother and grandmother about moving in with Jared right away, but the universe, as it was wont to do, heard he had an agenda and rushed to fill his plate with other things.
