Record Love, page 7
“It’s what you always wanted though, right? It’s all good changes from here on out.”
“Yeah… But for some reason, it’s still hard. Plus, I mean, is it really all good changes?”
“I’m not following.” I glanced over at him quickly as I continued to drive.
“Being famous and having money doesn’t just make your life perfect. There are even more problems that come along with that. You said it yourself, all of this is really just a job. I’ll still be lonely if I can’t meet people. And theoretically being famous would make it very easy to date, but like… Does it make it easy to date genuine people? How are you supposed to know who really cares about you and who just wants you for the fame and money?”
“Well, yeah, actually that is a real problem some famous people end up having,” I acknowledged.
He sighed again. “I should have taken advantage of the last few years. I should have found someone I really liked before this opportunity came along. When you have someone who is by your side even when you're broke and waiting tables, then you know they really care about you. Now I don’t even know if I’ll ever find that.”
“I think you will,” I assured him. “What a lot of celebrities do is just date other celebrities who have similar amounts of fame. People who have nothing to gain from being with them.”
“I guess that’s true. But that seems like such a small dating pool compared to the whole population. And the last thing I need to be doing is limiting my pool of potential partners.”
This made me laugh. “What? Why would you need to worry about limiting your pool? It’s not like you’re unlikeable, Caleb. You’re nice, you’re good looking, you’ll have women all over you in no time. Even other celebrity women, I bet you.”
“No, it’s not that. It’s not that I’m worried about people not liking me. Not to sound cocky or anything, but I think you're right. It’s more that I’m worried about not finding anyone I like. Maybe that makes me sound really picky and obnoxious, but it’s the truth. There aren’t many people in this world that I genuinely care for. It takes a lot to get my attention.”
“That only makes you sound a little cocky,” I teased him as I pulled up to his house.
“I know, I know. Hey, maybe I won’t find anyone just because I’m a big cocky asshole.” He laughed.
“Oh, you will,” I encouraged. “You’re young. You’ll find someone you truly care about.”
He stared at me intensely, not saying anything and not making a move to get out of the car.
“What?” I asked.
“What if I already have?”
“What if you already have what?”
“Found someone… That I truly care about.”
Wait… Was he saying what I thought he was saying?
But before I could ask, he leaned in and kissed me.
It felt amazing. It was a beautiful, electric moment that I’d never experienced with any other man before.
But I pulled away.
“Oh, I’m sorry—” he stuttered. “I just thought… I thought you liked me too.”
“I do,” I said. “I really like you, Caleb. But I’m not sure if this is right.”
“Why not?”
“Well, because I'm your boss and about a decade older than you… And you’ve never even dated a man before.”
“I don’t care,” he said defiantly. “None of that matters to me.”
“But—”
“No.” He cut me off boldly, which surprised me. He hadn’t been very bold during our time together. “It doesn’t matter, Mason. I want to know one thing: do you care about me?”
“Yes,” I admitted. “I know I don’t know you too well yet but… There is a spark between us I can’t deny. I definitely care for you, yes.”
“Then what else matters? Do you know how hard it is to find someone you seriously care about? Because I do. I haven’t found anyone else like you. And I have this fear that if I let you go, maybe I never will.”
I shook my head. “You’re just drunk, Caleb.”
“So what if I am? That doesn’t mean what I’m saying isn’t real. You think alcohol is making me having feelings for you?”
“No,” I answered honestly. “I thought you’d had feelings for me for a while now. I had a hunch, anyway. But you haven’t been brave enough to even slightly make a move on me until you’ve been drinking.”
“Okay. Sure, that part is true. I will admit that alcohol gave me the push. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to. I just didn’t have the courage.”
“Exactly!” I told him. “Without alcohol boosting you forward, you didn’t have the courage to go after me. And I think that’s because you aren’t ready to accept your sexuality.”
“I’m accepting it now!” he argued. “Well, I mean, I’m not saying I like men. I really haven’t explored it. All I know definitively is that I like you. I like you a whole fucking lot.”
“And I believe that. But when daylight hits tomorrow and you’re sober, coming to terms with the fact that you like me a whole lot is going to be harder to do. I’m not convinced you're going to be able to handle it. Coming to terms with your sexuality is hard. I know it, because I’ve been where you’ve been. In pretty much every aspect of your life, I’ve got more experience. And I also have experience with other men who were struggling with their sexuality. And it’s never as easy as ‘well, I guess I’m gay now.’”
He thought about this. “You might be right. Maybe tomorrow, this is going to be hard for me to come to terms with. I can even see myself trying to deny my feelings. I don’t think you're wrong.” He paused. “So kiss me right now.”
“What?!” I laughed. “Caleb, you’re not making any sense.”
“Sure I am. I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring. I don’t know if I’ll deny my feelings for you. So I want to take advantage of the moment we have now.”
It was stupid. I couldn’t just kiss him because he was drunk and he wanted me to. Especially when tomorrow it might all go to hell. I was already so attracted to him, how could I hurt myself like that? By getting more into him just to have myself rejected later when he couldn’t cope with the sudden shift in his romantic life?
But there he was, staring at me with those deep blue, pleading eyes. He was so gorgeous, so sweet, so absolutely perfect for me.
How could I deny him?
9
Caleb
I wasn’t expecting him to actually kiss me back. I knew my reasoning was bullshit. I knew I was being drunk and impulsive when I said I wanted to take advantage of this moment, regardless of what came tomorrow.
And he wasn’t drunk or impulsive. He was sober and he had the ability to actually think about his actions. So I didn’t think he was going to kiss me, I thought he was going to kick me out of his car.
Instead, he put his hand on my cheek and gave me a soft, gentle kiss.
As soon as his lips touched mine, I thought it would result in a full on make-out session. Maybe even lead to something more. I wanted to run my hands all down his stomach. I wanted to kiss his neck. I wanted us enveloped in each other.
But that wasn’t what happened. He gave me that one, soft, gentle peck and then pulled away.
“That’s all you get,” he whispered, sending chills down my spine.
“But I want you,” I whispered back, running my hand down his right shoulder.
“It’ll be too much, Caleb. I can’t have sex with you. It’s going to be hard enough for you to come to terms tomorrow with the fact that you kissed me. If we had sex… well, it’d be a lot for you.”
“No, no…” I moaned, forcing myself to hold back from taking him into my arms. “I can handle it,” I told him. “I promise.”
He smiled softly. “I want you too, Caleb. That's not the problem at all. But you're confused and drunk. It would be wrong to take advantage of the situation this way. No matter how much I might want you.”
“But you’re not taking advantage!” I insisted. “I want you! It’s me that’s going after you.”
He ran his fingers softly through my hair. “I know. But you’re wasted. It's wrong, I'm sorry.”
“So what do I do?” I asked. “I want you more than anything. What am I supposed to do?”
“You walk back up to your apartment,” he said. “Walk up there, have a nice long rest. And, if in the cold light of day, you still want me tomorrow… Well, then give me a call.” He kissed the top of my head softly.
I wanted to argue more but I could see there was no point. His mind was made up.
I stepped out of the car and before I shut the door, I turned to him and said definitively: “I will be calling you tomorrow.”
He flashed me that smile I loved so much. “I really hope you do.”
When I woke up the next day, I hardly had any memory after getting out of Mason’s car. I must have just collapsed in bed in all my clothes, because I was still wearing my outfit from last night when the sun’s rays woke me.
There was a pounding in my head that I could not ignore as the events from last night flashed through my mind.
Now that I was no longer drunk and uninhibited, that knot in my stomach had returned. Just like Mason had said, I was filled with doubts about last night.
There was a part of me that believed I really wouldn’t. I was so sure of everything while I was drunk. My feelings for him were so strong.
How could I be so hesitant now?
Were my feelings for Mason even real? I believed that they were, and I knew I really did like him as a person… But I was drunk.
And in the harsh light of day, I really didn’t know.
I think I was just so intensely lonely that I would latch onto anyone that was even remotely likeable. And Mason was, definitely. He was a good person. Despite his high status and wealth, he was surprisingly sweet and down to Earth.
But just because he was likeable didn’t mean I needed to chase something romantic with him, just because I hadn’t dated in a long time…
Did that happen? Could you get so lonely that you’d latch onto anyone? Even someone from your same gender?
I didn’t fucking know. I didn’t know if what I felt was real or just the alcohol. I had no idea of anything anymore. I was so fucking confused.
I looked at my phone and pulled up my contacts, staring at Mason’s name.
I was fuzzy on the details once I got back into my house, but up until then I remembered the night pretty clearly. And I remembered what I’d said, about calling him today.
A few times, I got really close to pressing his name. But each time I was about to click it, the knot in my stomach grew. The confusion inside me started brewing again and I didn’t even know what I’d say to him.
What was there to say? You were right? I’m confused, again? I know I said I was so sure and that I wanted you, but now I don’t know?
God, I had said that. I said I wanted him. How could I feel like that about a man? Now I couldn’t even imagine having sex with him.
But at the same time, I did remember how I felt last night. I remembered the chills that ran through me when his soft lips had pressed against mine.
Maybe it was just the alcohol, but a kiss had never affected me like that. No kiss with a woman ever compared to it. A simple kiss never made me want to jump into bed with someone.
A part of me knew it was not just the alcohol. Alcohol didn’t make you do things that you would never even consider sober. It lowered your inhibitions for things you already wanted to do…
But even still, I couldn’t bring myself to call Mason. I couldn’t even force myself to keep thinking about him. I knew I was in denial, but I didn’t want to change it.
To face this shift in my identity would hurt. I’d have to confront the lump in my stomach and I wasn’t ready. Too much was happening at once. With my sexual identity and with my career, I was leaving my old life behind.
But it was more than that. I felt like I was leaving the old me behind. And that was the part that really stung for me. It was like I had to entirely let go of who I was to get to who I was going to be next.
I just wasn’t ready.
I got out of my contacts and turned off my phone. I wasn’t going to call him. I wasn’t even going to think of him. Whatever was between us, I wasn’t ready for it.
I had my first meeting with a producer that week and I successfully avoided Mason, to my relief.
I thought maybe I wouldn’t be able to avoid him. That he’d know I was meeting with the producer that day and then come to see me. It didn’t matter if I darted in and out of the hallways if he knew where I was.
But he never came into my meeting, so he must not have known I was scheduled with a producer that day.
No, wait, that wasn’t right. He must have known. He owned the damn record company, so there was no way he was unclear about the schedule.
So I guessed he just chose not to come see me. That seemed like the more likely scenario. That would be something he’d be considerate enough to do. He was a nice guy. If I seemed uncomfortable, he wasn’t going to push that. He was sweet like that.
But God damnit, I wasn’t! For days I successfully avoided thinking about him. Which meant I also successfully avoided the fact that I had just never called him and never gave him an explanation.
He was probably expecting that call. I knew my feelings for him didn’t go one way. He liked me just as much as I liked him, maybe even more. And I had sworn I was going to still be interested him the next day and then I just… wasn’t.
That had to sting. It’d sting for me if I was in his position. And if I was in his spot, I probably wouldn’t be able to hold myself back from coming into the studio and confronting me. I’d want answers, if I was him.
But he wasn’t me. He was a much, much better man than I was. An older, nicer, more successful and experienced man. A good guy… That I was letting slip through my fingers.
I knew it. I knew I was letting go of one of the good ones. But I still didn’t do anything about it.
How could I be this self-destructive?
When I went into work the following weekend, I came with my two week notice in hand. It made me nauseated, knowing I was going to have to say goodbye to this life.
All this time, I had hated serving, and now here I was already missing it.
I knocked on the door of my manager’s office.
“Come in!” he chimed.
I could feel my heart pound as I stepped in.
“Hey, John,” I said softly as I walked in.
“Oh no,” he said instantly. “What’s wrong?”
He knew me so well.
I handed him the paper and he knew what it was before I said anything.
“You’re leaving?” he asked.
“Yep,” I said softly. “I, uh, finally got that record deal.”
“Are you serious?!” he said, elated. “Oh my God, Caleb! That is fantastic!”
“Yeah.” I smiled. “It is pretty great… But it’s going to be hard to leave this place.”
“Screw this place!” He laughed. “You got a God damn record deal. You should be happier than this!”
“Oh, I’m happy,” I said. “Really, I’m happy. It's just hard to walk away from my old life. Everything's going to change for me.”
He laughed. “And that’s a good thing, Caleb. You want things to change for you. I mean, really, what’s so great about your old life that you need to hang onto?”
I shrugged. I actually didn’t know. I guessed there wasn’t anything in particular I was hanging onto. I was just… scared.
John went on to tell me that I didn’t need to continue working for two weeks. He had enough staff right now to cover my shifts. Unless I wanted the hours, there was no need to come in.
I didn’t need the hours, but I almost said I did. The thought that this was going to be my last shift just made me sick to my stomach. But I couldn't continue to be scared of every change in my life. I had to move forward. This was the next step.
Thankfully, it was actually a pretty shit shift. I got bad table after bad table. All of them tipped pretty badly. It reminded me of just how good it was that life was changing for me. I needed this little kick in the ass to keep moving forward.
I didn’t bother to tell any of my other coworkers about the record deal. It just felt too braggy. I wasn’t the only one here who dreamt of making it in the industry. It was pretty common for waiters in LA to have entertainment industry goals.
And a lot of them would never make it and had realized that by now, just like I did. I didn’t want to remind them of that reality.
I did tell people it was my last day, and got a few hugs. I wasn’t going to miss serving, but I would miss these people. They were the closest thing to friends I had for many years.
I was standing at the Posi, my hand hovering over the screen to close my last tab. I had my cut slip in my other hand so this was the last check I was ever going to close out. I wasn’t ready to clock out.
And I was also pretty disappointed that Mary hadn’t come by today. I was really hoping that I’d get to end my last shift with her. It wasn’t like I’d never see her again because she didn’t come in, though. Of course I could easily contact her through Mason, and I would.
But I still didn’t have the courage to talk to Mason. Not for a while. And I didn’t want Mary finding out from someone else that I had quit.
I printed out the tab, stuffed it in a check presenter, and walked over to my last table that was comprised of two older men.
“Here’s your check, sirs.” I put on my best customer service face. “If there’s anything you need, don’t hesitate to let me know.”
“Thank you, young man.” One took the leather check presenter from me while the other man reached for it.
“James, it's my turn to pay,” the other man insisted.
“No, no, I’ve got it today,” the man who had grabbed the check responded.
Ugh, I absolutely hated when customers did this in front of me. It was awkward.
I quickly shuffled away, not wanting to watch the argument of politeness that was about to unfold.
