Record Love, page 4
“Right, that makes sense.” Again, he couldn’t hide his disappointment.
Was I right? Was he really interested in me?
I wasn’t lying when I said I handled the big picture stuff around here, but I was able to sit in on recordings and often did for some of our bigger stars. I had been a producer myself for many years before working my way up the chain, and my opinion was often asked for.
So I very easily could be present for Caleb’s recordings. Obviously he wanted me to be.
But I couldn’t be. Even if he was interested in me, it wouldn’t be right for either of us. Not just because I was his superior but because he was so young. I’d already decided I couldn’t date someone his age. I needed to find someone on my level.
And he probably wasn’t interested in me, anyway. It was just my infatuation imagining things. Maybe he wanted me in the recording studio with him because he was nervous. Just wanted to see a familiar face when he had his first meetings with a producer.
I reached out for his hand and gave a firm shake. “I’ll be in touch with you, Caleb.”
“Great, looking forward to it,” he said as he grabbed his bag and headed out the studio door.
“Drive safe!” I waved to him as he walked out.
“Will do.”
As soon as he was out of the room, I sank into my chair. Before this meeting, I had a mere crush on him. But now, I felt genuinely affected by him. I didn’t think I’d ever been this interested in another person.
He was just so unique, such a beautiful musician, with a gorgeous soul. And obviously an attractive body to boot. I liked him, I really did. I just could never act on it. Which meant I needed to force myself to stay away so I was never tempted to.
Still, I felt a weight on my chest now that he was gone. Knowing that this would be the last time I saw him for a long time, and that I was never going to get to explore a relationship with him… It caused almost an ache deep in my stomach.
I was craving him. And not just physically, attractive as he may be. But what I wanted more than physical interaction was mental interaction.
I wanted to learn more about him, I wanted to have more open discussions about our lives. I wanted to get to know him in any way that I could. I’d be satisfied to even have a piece of him.
I was about to walk out of the room when I saw it… The CD I had ditched into the empty wastebasket. Without hesitation, I picked it up and took it back into my office.
At least, through these songs, I could hold onto him a little longer.
5
Caleb
It had been a weird week, since I’d had my meeting with Mary’s grandson.
What I expected to feel after a meeting with a record exec was absolute elation. I was getting the deal of a lifetime and I should be over the moon about it.
And I was, actually. I was thrilled to finally have an opportunity do what I’d always wanted to. There was no denying my complete and utter excitement.
It was just that excitement wasn’t the only feeling I had right now. Mixed in with the happiness was a lot of… confusion.
I had really enjoyed my meeting with Mason and not just because he was offering me the deal of a lifetime. It was more than that. I actually genuinely enjoyed talking to him. I had meant it when I’d said that having a conversation with him was like having a conversation with Mary. I found myself drawn to him.
That terrified me.
It wasn’t often that I found myself actually wanting to get to know somebody further. Not that many people held my interest. I hadn’t even really dated anybody since I was in high school.
Despite feeling lonely lately, I still never had the urge to go out and try to get to know anyone. I didn’t know why. Maybe I just got so wrapped up in my work that going out and meeting people seemed like just a waste of my time.
Maybe that was the reason I found myself so interested in talking to Mason. Perhaps now that I knew I was actually going to get to started on my career, I was less stressed about my work. And that just opened up the door to me wanting to seek new friendships.
Yeah, that had to be it. Now that it felt like the career area of my life was starting to blossom, I had a new drive to form social bonds. So I wanted to be friends with Mason, no big deal. He was a likeable guy.
That was an understatement, actually. He was more than likeable. The man was downright charming. I was surprised he didn’t already have a spouse and family because I couldn't imagine he had any trouble dating. Especially here in LA, where the pool of good looking gay men was pretty endless.
Even beyond his looks, though, he was just so easy to talk to. I really believed I could have spent all day just talking about our lives with him. In fact, I had been hoping that was what we would do. Before he said he had another meeting.
Things still didn’t make sense, though. If all I wanted to do was make friends with him, why did the thought of seeing him again make me so nervous? I almost had a feeling of guilt when I thought of being around him again.
What was wrong with making a new friend? I never felt weird about talking to Mary, and our friendship was certainly unconventional. So it wasn’t like it bothered me that he was in his thirties or anything.
Was it that I had a problem with the fact that he was gay? I’d never been homophobic before, so I didn’t think so. And he hadn’t flirted with me in the slightest, even when Mary was obviously pushing him to.
You know, for a normal person, this probably wouldn’t be that hard to figure out. I had a feeling most people had a pretty good idea of why they felt the emotions they did. But I was so out of touch with myself, I had to do serious analysis to even begin to guess at the reason I was feeling uncomfortable.
I guessed that was what happened when you spent years wrapped up in your work, avoiding any kind of deep reflection on your life. It wasn’t hard to see why I did, either. When forced to think about my life, I was forced to realize how lonely I felt. And that was in addition to facing the fears that I was never actually going to make it and all this time I’d spent alone had been wasted.
Being out of touch with myself and my emotions was really starting to backfire, though. On top of not being able to understand the reasons behind my emotions, I was starting to feel really unsettled with even feeling them. I wanted to distance myself from the confusion and discomfort, desperately.
Which usually I was able to do pretty successfully. I just threw myself into work and music and it helped me to detach from the world around me. That hadn’t been a possibility this week, though. I’d been trying to write a new song and every time I did, the only lyrics I could think of were highly emotional and drove me to think back to my situation with Mason.
That might be why I was so uncomfortable. Talking to Mason forced me to actually feel something. We weren’t simply making small talk about the weather. We were talking about our lives. Talking about the kind of things I usually spent all my time trying to forget.
Yep, that had to be it! It was hard for me to deal with actual emotions, that was all. That was the only reason I was uncomfortable. And that was no big deal; I could get past that. I was going to have to get past it, in fact. If I wanted to be, you know, a healthy human being and all. I couldn’t be numb to the world forever.
I continued to tell myself this was the reason for my confusion, but it still didn’t seem to be right. I couldn’t shake the idea that there was a bigger reason for my nervousness when it came to Mason. But I pushed it out of my head, as I usually did.
I had several meetings with a lawyer at the record studio to discuss my contract, though I had no problem with it to begin with. Not only was it very generous, they only wanted to sign me for three albums, which gave me a lot of freedom. Usually, I heard of contracts for first time singers to be as big as six to nine albums.
Every time I had to come into the studio, I found myself searching for Mason in the halls. At first, I thought I was going to want to avoid him because of all the feelings that had been weighing on me.
But when I was actually there in the building, I didn’t think of avoiding him at all. I was really hoping that I’d find him. It was a weird combination of emotions, being nervous but all excited at the thought of him.
To my disappointment, I never did find him. Maybe he didn’t come in everyday. I mean, he ran the whole studio, so I was sure he was good at delegating responsibilities. If I was him, I wouldn’t bother with working every day when I didn’t have to.
He was here on that Saturday that we met, though, and I didn’t think the studio was even formally open that day. Maybe he just did that as a favor because of what I did for Mary.
That was another thing that was still in the back of my mind, too. Did he really think I was as talented as he claimed? Or was this all a big favor to me because of what I’d done for Mary? That could be why he was being so nice to me, too.
Though I got the feeling he did really like me. I was pretty good at reading people’s body language. He seemed to be pretty receptive to me.
It was the last contract signing I had at the studio and I was twirling a pen in my hand while I waited for the lawyer to return with copies of my contract to discuss and sign. Each day, they had me come to this boring little office. There was nothing on the walls, which were painted a light grey.
Although there were a few thriving house plants in the corners of the small room, the focus of the room was a large walnut desk that the lawyer sat behind. I sat in a small office chair in front of him and listened to him spew a bunch of legal jargon that I didn’t really understand.
I didn’t care; based on what Mason was willing to pay me out the gate, I didn’t suspect they were trying to screw me over. The smart thing would have been to hire my own lawyer to look over things. But I didn’t have the money, even if I was feeling skeptical.
I was tracing the fine wood grain in the desk with my eyes when the lawyer burst back into the room. The door squeaked quite loudly, which I already knew after three days of being here, but every time it still shocked me.
This time around, I actually dropped the pen I’d been fidgeting with and tried to hastily pick it up before the lawyer sat back down.
“Okay, this is the last of it. Just go ahead and sign by all the highlights.”
“No problem.” I said, flipping through the pages, which were also marked by thin Post-its at the edge of the page. “And then we’re done for the day?”
“Yes, then everything is taken care of. It is my understanding that you’ll be contacted with a time to come into the studio and speak to a producer.”
“Awesome, thanks!” I said eagerly as I finished up signing the last few pages.
As I handed them back, a thought came to me. I wasn’t sure if I should act on this thought, with all my conflicting emotions, but the words just flew from my mouth before I even thought about stopping them.
“Where is Mason’s office?”
The lawyer raised an eyebrow. “Mason? Do you mean Mr. Clarke?”
“Right, of course, Mr. Clarke.” God, why would I just call him Mason? He was the damn owner. I bet nobody here spoke about him that casually.
“It’s down the hall and to the left. Do you have a meeting with him?”
“No, I don’t. I just wanted to stop by and thank him. Uh, do I need a meeting with him to talk to him?”
The lawyer shrugged. “I’ve never seen anyone speak to him without a meeting. But I don’t know if there’s an actual rule about it so I suppose you could try.” He collected the papers and shook my hand before walking out the door. “Good luck on your first album.”
“Thanks. And thank you for all your help.”
He nodded and left. He was a very serious guy, so I wasn’t surprised that he didn’t say more to me even after three days of spending many hours together. Even a ‘good luck’ was more than I had expected.
I wasn’t sure if I actually should go see Mason. The lawyer did make a point I hadn’t even considered. Was it normal for people to just walk into his office and make conversation?
I mean, I doubted he’d be rude about it. I saved his grandmother’s life, for crying out loud. Obviously we were entering a professional relationship, but we still had that personal connection.
Still, I couldn’t. I wasn’t brave enough to do that. What would I even say? Thanks again for the deal? See ya?
Nope, I wasn’t going to do it. I grabbed my keys off of the walnut desk and left the office, turning right and heading toward the exit…
But halfway there, I turned around. I walked right back down the hall without even thinking about it. It was like my legs were walking without my permission. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to do this, but my body seemed to do it, anyway.
I reached a large office door that said ‘Mason Clarke’s Office’ in bright gold lettering. The lettering almost made me back out. Something about it just screamed ‘important’ and I really didn’t feel worthy of barging into his office unannounced anymore… Even if I did save his grandma’s life.
He was still the most important man in this entire company. One of the most famous record companies in all of Los Angeles. It suddenly hit me that this was a man who regularly talked with some of the biggest pop stars in the country.
And I thought I could just come in and talk to him?!
I was about to turn around when the door opened suddenly, catching me completely off guard. Mason looked equally thrown off.
“Oh, Caleb, hello,” he stuttered.
“H-hi!” I stuttered back stupidly.
Then there was an extremely awkward silence between us. We both just stared at each other, confused and unsure of what to say next.
“Do you… Want to come into my office?” Mason suggested.
“Yes, please!” I said, just happy that he said something.
He held the door open and I walked in. This office was three times the size of the one I had just been in and was far more decorated. Along the walls were framed platinum records, photos of him with ridiculously famous people, limited edition posters of bands who always topped the charts.
“I’m sorry to bother you,” I began anxiously as I sat down in the chair in front of his office desk.
“No, you’re never a bother.” He flashed that winning smile at me again. “Did you need something?”
“Oh, no. I didn’t. I just wanted to come and thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I finished the last of my contract today, so it’s all official.”
“That’s fantastic! Congratulations!” He grinned. “But don’t thank me. It’s your pure talent and hard work that got you here, not me.”
“Well, let’s be realistic, talent and hard work gets looked over every day in Los Angeles. You gave me an opportunity that might have never come for me. I’ll be forever grateful.”
“Hey, it’s nothing compared to saving the life of the woman who means the most to me. And it’s not exactly a big favor. I honestly believe you’re going to be making me a lot of money in the near future.”
“I hope so!” I’d have been lying if dreams of fame and a lot of cash hadn’t been going through my mind lately.
We were quiet for a moment. This was probably the point where I should excuse myself so he could get back to his work. But I didn't want to excuse myself.
I felt the same thing I felt during our first meeting. There was an almost magnetic connection between us and I couldn’t drag myself away from his pull. I’d never been filled with feelings like this before. It made me feel weird. Like I was a completely different person.
“Do you want to go dinner?” I blurted out.
Or, the person that I was currently blurted it out. Because the person I normally was would never have the bravery.
“To dinner?” he asked, his brow furrowed.
“To celebrate… you know. Me getting the deal and everything.”
“Right, yeah…” he said hesitantly.
“What is it?” I asked quickly, feeling my bravery deflating with the possibility of rejection.
“I’m just not sure if that would be entirely professional.”
“Oh, right,” I agreed. “Yeah, that makes sense. Sorry, I didn’t think of that.”
I dug my heels into the carpet nervously, trying to think of a way to escape this extremely awkward situation. I didn’t handle rejection well, I never had.
Not that I was asking him out on a date or anything, I wasn’t. I was still straight and had no interest in dating. I only wanted to hang out, explore a friendship with the guy. But being rejected for a friendly hang out surprisingly felt even worse than being rejected romantically.
“Well, I better head out then, I’m pretty hungry.” I gave a laugh to try to play the whole thing off but it only made me more pathetic sounding. “Have a good one!” I said as I got up.
I made it to the doorway when I heard Mason’s voice call out from behind me.
“Caleb, wait!” he said, standing up from behind his desk.
“Yeah?” I asked, hopefully.
“It’s just a congratulatory dinner, right? There’s nothing really wrong in grabbing some food together. I’m pretty hungry, myself.”
I tried to contain my goofy smile. “Nope, nothing wrong with that at all!”
6
Mason
I had my headphones in as I went through the messages my secretary had written down for me. I was replaying Caleb’s CD, which I’d already listened to dozens of times.
I felt like a creep listening to it. I played it while working and in the car going to and from work, and blasted it while cooking dinner. I had every lyric memorized by now.
And I wasn’t just listening to it because I was so incredibly interested in Caleb. I still was, naturally. But even outside of that, the demo CD he made me was a God damn masterpiece. I hadn’t listened to a CD this good in years, and it wasn’t even done in a serious recording studio.
