The Peas and Carrots Series Boxset 1, page 61
part #1 of Peas and Carrots Series
‘She’s probably after my wedding ring.’ Yvette huffed walking over to the fridge and pulling out a bottle of white wine. ‘Or my liver. You can be cert—’
‘Yvette. Please, talk to her. Give her five minutes. If, after that, you want to send her packing then that’s fine. I’ll drive her to the station. She doesn’t deserve your time or generosity, I get that. But you listened to me, and I didn’t deserve it either.’ He moved forward and took her hands in his. They had aged too he realised as he wrapped his fingers around hers. The skin with thinner, colder, frailer. ‘You’re a reasonable woman, Yvette. You’re a good woman. Don’t let all these things that have happened change the fact that you’re a good person. Be the better woman here.’
Yvette’s eyes went to the ground. She shuffled her feet as if thoughtfully preparing for some intricate dance step.
‘You should probably be there to referee,’ she said eventually.
‘I think that’s probably wise,’ Eric agreed.
The baby had finished her feed and was lying across her mother’s shoulder. With her bald head and plump chubby cheeks, she didn’t look to be more than a few weeks old at most. Katrina was repeatedly patting the baby’s back while shaking and shimmying her bottom. Occasionally the tiny lips twisted with the promise of wind, helping to distract from the adults’ painfully obvious silence.
‘She never wants to wind,’ Katrina said, after five minutes jiggling. ‘It doesn’t matter what I do. I’ve tried all the stuff from the pharmacy, drops, syrup, and I’ve watched all the videos on YouTube about it. There’s meant to be this special way you can hold them that brings up the wind straight away, but it doesn’t work. Nothing I’ve tried makes any difference. Most of the time it makes her sick.’ She upped the rate of her patting. ‘I thought maybe it was colic, you know, because she cried so much. I took her to the doctor, but they said it’s normal. It doesn’t sound normal, though, does it? Does this sound normal to you?’ Eric listened, but he could hear nothing other than the occasional gurgling of a recently fed baby. ‘I wanted to go back to the hospital, but Philip said I was being ridiculous, but there has to be something wrong, doesn’t there? Why else would she be like this all the time?’
Her eyes went from Eric to Yvette and back again. Eric cleared his throat and prayed the floor would swallow him up before he was forced to think of something to say to break the tension. He was trying to remember what Abi was like at that age, see if he could offer some words of advice, but before he had even recalled what Abi looked like back then, Yvette started in with her interrogation.
‘What do you want, Katrina?’ Yvette’s voice was devoid of emotion. ‘Why are you here? If Philip sent you for more money, there is none. He already took it.’
Katrina’s pale skin blanched further.
‘Philip doesn’t know I’m here. In fact, I’m not even sure where he is.’
Yvette shifted her position. ‘What do you mean he doesn’t know you’re here?’
Yet again, the whimpers from her shoulder began to rise in volume. Jiggling the baby up and down, Katrina’s eyes glazed as she tried to hold back the tears.
‘She never stops. It’s all night, all day. Sometimes I think she knows. That’s why she does it.’
‘Knows what?’ Yvette said. ‘And where is Philip?’
‘Because it’s not right. No matter what the doctors say. It’s not. I know it’s not.’
‘Katrina,’ Yvette’s voice was sharp, and out of patience. ‘What are you talking about? You’re not making any sense.’
Slowly, Katrina’s gaze lifted. There was no subtle glaze to her eyes anymore. No attempt to hide it. Tears escaped and slipped down her cheeks in an ever-increasing torrent.
‘I think she knows that I don’t know what I’m doing,’ she whispered in a staggered breath. ‘I think she knows that I shouldn’t really have had her. That I wish I hadn’t had her.’
Chapter 10
YVETTE HAD TAKEN the baby and left it to Eric to find a box of tissues. After two minutes of searching for them, he gave up and plucked a half-full toilet roll off the holder and took it through into the living room. He passed the roll to Katrina, who ripped off a strip of squares and blew her nose, after which she used the same piece of tissue to wipe her eyes. Eric shuddered silently. It was the type of unhygienic move Abi would have pulled. No one had spoken since Katrina’s previous statement, other than Yvette when she stretched out her arms and spoke in no uncertain terms.
‘Give her here.’
Katrina had instantly obliged.
It was another three minutes before anyone felt able to speak again. That anyone was Katrina.
‘I’m sorry.’ A pile of damp toilet roll lay scrunched up on the arm of the sofa beside her. ‘But it’s so hard. It shouldn’t be this hard, should it?’
Yvette laughed. ‘It’s always this hard. It’s called having a baby.’
Katrina shook her head.
‘No. This is different. I know what it’s like to be around babies. I have friends with babies. Cousins too.’
‘Then you’ll know it gets better.’
Katrina bit down onto her bottom lip, causing it to swell out at the side. ‘But I don’t sleep. Most days I hardly eat. It’s impossible.’
‘That’s normal,’ Eric attempted to assure her. ‘We were just the same. Everyone’s the same. My friend Ralph reckons he hasn’t had a full night’s sleep in six years, so you’re definitely doing better than him.’
From the look on her face, his assurances weren’t doing much good.
‘She doesn’t like me. It sounds stupid saying it out loud, but it’s true, I know it is.’ Katrina turned her attention to the baby, currently swaddled in Yvette’s arms, sucking on a dummy. ‘She would never be like that with me.’
‘It takes time,’ Yvette said.
Katrina recommenced her head shaking. ‘It’s been four weeks, and it’s getting worse. Not better. Every day I’m not sure if I’m even going to make it through to bedtime. And what difference does it make if I do? It’s not like she sleeps. I’m not meant to do this. I’m not meant to be a mother yet.’
The baby emitted a muted murmur. Yvette manoeuvred herself out of the seat and began rocking her arms as she walked.
‘It takes time,’ Yvette repeated. ‘You need to give it time.’
For a split second, the women’s gazes met. Eric, holding his breath as he watched, felt his pulse rise.
‘Where’s Philip?’ Yvette said, severing the moment and releasing just a little of Eric’s tension. ‘Why don’t you know where he is?’
Katrina snorted. ‘He bailed before she was a week old.’
‘Bailed?’
She was struggling to stem the tears again. ‘He left a note. And two hundred quid. Can you believe that? Two hundred quid. Do you know how much nappies are? And wet wipes and baby grows? Because they grow so fast. It’s all gone. All the money. And I can’t go to my family. I can’t. I just can’t.’
Yvette’s head was still shaking. ‘Surely not. Surely he wouldn’t do that?’
Katrina shrugged. ‘He did. Three weeks now. I’ve not heard a thing. I thought maybe you would know.’
It was Yvette’s turn to snort. The bitterness reappeared in her eyes.
‘Fat chance. If he turned up here, he’d be leaving in a coffin. What sort of man doesn’t even come to his daughter’s funeral?’
‘Funeral?’ Katrina’s eyes widened. ‘I don’t understand.’
That was when Eric realised what had been wrong about before. Katrina hadn’t just asked to see Yvette, she hadn’t just wanted to know when Yvette was returning home. She had asked about them both. Yvette and Suzy. Eric’s ribs began to burn the way they always did whenever he encountered someone who did not yet know the news. Katrina didn’t know. Her expression conveyed that clearly enough.
‘Suzy?’ She turned to Eric, her mouth agape. He managed one, single nod.
‘How?’ The air in her breath cast the word into a long stream. ‘I’m so sorry. I had no idea. Truly. I didn’t … I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.’
Yvette’s glare focused on the young girl.
‘You’ll forgive me for saying your thoughts mean very little to this family.’
Katrina’s lips pinched. She looked to the ceiling and managed to blink away whatever tears were coming. When her gaze lowered back down, it landed on Eric. She met his eyes. He didn’t want to look at her. He didn’t want more sympathy, but he couldn’t look away.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I truly am.’
He nodded once again, turned his attention back to his mother-in-law, and prayed he could keep himself together.
With the baby now silent and asleep, Yvette lowered herself back into the armchair. She lifted her elbow, making a cradle, and slid the baby down from her shoulder into the gap. A new, saddened silence expanded around them.
‘Katrina.’ Eric felt it necessary to break the silence, for fear it may go on all night. ‘Philip isn’t here. If you were hoping to find him—’
‘No,’ Katrina shook her head. ‘I wasn’t looking for him. I thought he might be here, but really, I was looking for you. For you and for … for…’
‘For Suzy?’
She nodded.
‘Why?’
Seconds passed.
‘I can’t go back on the ships,’ she said eventually. ‘Not with her. And I don’t have any other way of making money.’
‘There must be some—’
‘Dance is all I know. I can’t do classes because of the money it costs me to rent a studio, and no one is going to hire me like this. I can’t even get a part-time job waitressing or in a bar or something cos I can’t afford the childcare. I’m trapped.’
‘Even if we wanted to help,’ Eric said, a pang of sympathy blooming within him. ‘We’re barely making ends meet.’
‘No. I don’t want your money,’ she said, a small sound buzzing on her lips as her eyes were drawn across to the bundle in Yvette’s arms.
‘Then what do you want?’
‘I want you to take the baby. I want you to adopt my baby.’
Yvette and Eric had disappeared to the kitchen under the exceptionally weak ruse of making some more tea, leaving Katrina and the baby in the living room.
Yvette’s hands, Eric could see, were shaking almost as much as his own.
‘She needs help,’ Eric said. ‘Professional help. Clearly there’s postnatal depression of some degree going on there. Not to mention all the family issues she’s got. We know that much from when her psycho brother smashed the place up. She probably needs a good night’s sleep or two as well,’ he added.
He moved over to the cupboard, this time selecting the box of teabags closest to hand. Without bothering to look what they were, he dropped two into a pair of mugs before adding in hot water and placing them down in front of Yvette.
‘I remember what it was like when Abi was born. It was horrific. Crazy. Like, the worst hangover of your life but without being able to enjoy the getting drunk part. No wonder she doesn’t feel like she’s coping. Particularly with Philip bailing. What a shit. What an absolute shit. And God, if that brother of hers is still on the scene. No wonder she’s having trouble coping.’ He went to the fridge for the milk. ‘Maybe she needs to go back to the doctor? See if they can’t offer her some sort of help. I’m sure she’d be able to make an emergency appointment for something like this.’
It was only as he went to add the milk to the tea that he realised Yvette had been entirely silent in the exchange. Her hands were resting on the mugs.
‘Yvette,’ he said. ‘Is everything all right?’
Yvette turned to him, her hands still on the mugs.
‘I would give anything for another day with my little girl. Anything. For one more lunch date, or afternoon gossip. To have seen one more of her school plays or read one more of her stories.’
Eric placed the milk down.
‘I know,’ he said.
‘Both my girls. From the moment they were born, I would have run into a burning building for them without a second thought.’
‘Of course you would have, you’re their mother.’
Yvette shook her head. ‘And yet she’s in there, ready to hand her over?’
Eric scratched behind his ear.
‘Well we don’t know all the ins and outs. She’s obviously under a massive amount of stress.’
Yvette tutted and muttered something under her breath. ‘Asking a complete stranger to take her. That woman doesn’t deserve a child. She deserves to rot in hell.’
Eric stepped back. He had seen his mother-in-law angry before. He had seen her bat-shit crazy, but this was different. The bitterness and venom that had cocooned her when Katrina had arrived continued to fizz below the surface of Yvette’s skin.
‘Yvette?’
‘You should have thrown her out the moment you realised who she was,’ she spat.
‘Now hold on a second,’ Eric said. He was surprised to find his finger pointing at her in a most outraged manner and his voice sounding uncharacteristically commanding. ‘She’s young. She’s scared.’
‘She’s no younger than I was when I had Lydia.’
‘But you had Philip.’
‘So did she,’ Yvette spat back.
‘Obviously not quite the way she thought.’ Lowering his finger, Eric moved over to the table. ‘You were married, to a man you loved, you had family around you. Katrina’s in a very different situation. Clearly her family are bonkers. She has no job. No partner.’
‘I would have run into a burning building,’ Yvette repeated.
Eric looked her squarely in the eye. ‘And that’s what she feels she is doing. Don’t you see that? Asking us for help like this, that’s exactly the same. She’s doing whatever she thinks is necessary to save her baby. True, it’s probably a little bit of a misstep, but that’s what she’s trying to do.’
Yvette’s cheeks remained pinched, her eyes watery.
‘Come on,’ Eric said. ‘You’ve got to see that. If someone as emotionally inept as me can manage to put that together, surely you can see it too?’ He reached out his hand and placed it on top of his mother-in-law’s. She tensed beneath his touch, before relaxing and expelling a long and breathy sigh, her shoulders and chest dropped with the weight of it.
‘It hurts, Eric,’ she said, her eyes full of pain and apology. ‘Surely you understand that? Surely you can see that too?’
‘Of course I can,’ he said. ‘I can’t imagine what this is like for you. But I can’t imagine what it’s like for her either. We’re not in her shoes. Look, we’re jumping ahead of ourselves. For all we know, tomorrow morning, after a good night’s sleep, she’ll come to realise this was all a ridiculous idea, call Philip, and everything will be sorted.’
Yvette offered a half-grunt as a response. ‘Philip wasn’t much use when my girls were born either. Used to have an awful lot of rehearsals that always started around dinner and bath time. But I just got on with it. That’s what you did. That’s what you had to do.’
‘And that’s probably what she wants to do,’ Eric said.
‘It’s what I tried to do. I swear, it’s what I tried to do.’
Eric and Yvette’s heads turned to the doorway. Katrina stood with the baby in her arms, bouncing it gently up and down. Her face was etched with tiredness and sadness and a hundred other emotions Eric couldn’t begin to fathom, but on top of them all, she tried to smile.
‘I realise,’ she said, ‘that I never told you her name. It’s Mabel. Mabel Elizabeth.’
Yvette muscles tensed again. ‘Elizabeth after Philip’s mother, I assume?’
Katrina shook her head.
‘After Elizabeth Bennett. From Pride and Prejudice? It was my favourite book growing up.’ With a deep breath in, Katrina pushed back her shoulders revealing her dancer’s posture for the first time since her arrival.
‘I know what you’re in here saying. I do. You think I’m just being weak. That I’m tired and I need to get on with things. You probably think that I deserve this for what I did to you and your family.’
‘Pretty much, yes,’ Yvette said. Eric shot her a glare even Suzy would have been proud of.
Katrina nodded. ‘Maybe,’ she said. ‘But it doesn’t change the fact. I can’t do this.’
‘You’ve barely tried,’ Yvette said, lifting her hands to the air. ‘It’s an adjustment. You suck it up.’
Katrina chuckled sadly. ‘I’ve tried. Believe me. At 3 a.m. when I can’t sleep. At 6 a.m. when I’m searching for a job I can do where I can take her along, or some course I could complete, because I never finished school because I was just dancing. Dancing was always what I was going to do.’
‘Having a baby is a sacrifice. You have to work at it.’
‘I have tried. I am trying. I’ve tried talking to people, seeing if I’m the problem here. But it’s not helping. It’s not helping any of us. It would just be better if I could … if I could …’
‘Give her up?’ Eric said.
‘I might not know much about raising children and families and taking care of a new-born baby, but I know what happens when someone has a child they don’t want. When someone must pretend every day that this is the best thing in their life when it isn’t. They resent it. They resent the child for being there and stealing their life. And they think they’re doing a good job of hiding it and they think the child can’t tell, but they can. They know. A child who grows up being resented will know it, and Mabel doesn’t deserve that.’
‘And you feel like that already?’ Eric asked.
She tilted her head, her brow crinkled. ‘Not all the time … but sometimes, yes. And it won’t get easier, I can feel it.’ Her eyes looked up, pleading beneath her long, matted lashes. ‘I love her. I do, with all my heart. She’s perfect. But it’s not enough. I can feel that it’s not enough. But if I do this, if I give her away and if she’s with a family who love her, some of the guilt will be lessened. Because there’s so much guilt right now I feel like it’s going to crush me. There’s just so much of it.’
