“She’s a midget!” Buck said.

  “God Almighty, Buck!” I said. “Please don’t embarrass us.”

  “And I believe the preferred term these days is ‘little people,’” Alex said.

  “I don’t know,” Buck said. “That sounds more offensive than calling them midgets… oh man, I can’t wait to meet her.”

  I parked in the driveway, said a quick prayer regarding Buck, and headed toward the mustang with Alex and ‘the fool’ in tow.

  “Well… hello, I’m Sassafras Jones, but you boys can just call me Sassy.” She sucked on her lollipop, then licked her lips and smiled at us.

  “I’m Layton Shayne, and these are my associates: Alex Shayne and Buck Taggerty. And you can call me Layton.”

  “I think I’ll just do that,” Sassy said, leaning back against her car’s windshield—her ample breasts raised our way. “It’s such a glorious day out, I wish I had time to lie out and soak in the sun.”

  “You are fabulous!” Buck said, excitedly. “You’re like a Barbie doll size Dita Von Teese.”

  “Buck!” I said. “That was—”

  “Unbelievably flattering, you tall, handsome drink of water, you,” Sassy said, stretching her hand out to Buck, so he could help her off the hood. “What a gentleman you are, Buck Taggerty. And how does such a sweet looking man like you know about a burlesque goddess like Dita Von Teese?”

  “Am I in the twilight zone here, or what?” I said.

  “Hush now, hun,” Sassy said. “Give the man a chance to talk.”

  “My mom was a lead showgirl in Vegas; that’s where she met my pops,” Buck said.

  “Somehow that explains a lot,” I said.

  Alex nodded my way in agreement.

  “Hey, don’t go knocking showgirls because of me,” Buck said. “Most of them are smart… and I’m talking the really intelligent kind of smart.”

  “Don’t go proving their point, Buck, honey,” Sassy said.

  “Speaking of points,” Buck said. “Since my mom was a showgirl, we kept up with all the superstars of the biz, and nobody’s bigger than Dita—if you consider her a showgirl. In reality, she’s much more than that, though—she’s a star.”

  “Enough about Dita for now,” I said, watching Sassy suck on her Blow Pop lollipop. “You really like lollipops, don’t you, Sassy?”

  “I’m very oral,” Sassy said.

  She looked at our shocked faces, then laughed loudly.

  “I’m just screwing with you guys,” Sassy said. “I’m down with the gays, my brother’s one too. He’s in show biz.”

  “Hey, what makes you think we’re gay?” Buck said.

  Sassy looked at him and raised her eyebrows. “You’re cute.”

  “Tell me, Sassy, are you the litterbug who left lollipop sticks by our Jag in Mt Ore,” I said.

  “Guilty as charged,” Sassy said. “I was checking out the terrain and seeing how you worked.” She started up the pathway to the Bed and Breakfast with Buck nipping at her heels.

  “You’re really pretty for a little person,” Buck said. “I mean your body is proportionate and all, just like a real woman, only smaller—well, except for your boobs… they’re pretty big.”

  “That’s because I am a real woman,” Sassy said. “And a word of advice, Buck; people will only make so many allowances, even for a beautiful man like you, so maybe you should talk only when it’s absolutely necessary.” She smiled, then slapped his ass. “You may be a bit clueless, but you really are a cutie-pie, Buck.”

  I hung back with Alex for a moment when the other two walked into the B & B.

  “Did everything that just happened really happen, Alex, or am I delusional?”

  “I was just about to ask you the same thing. Can things get any crazier?”

  “Please don’t even say that, because I have a feeling that things can, and just might get crazier.”

  -21-

  Prudence

  “Hello there, you two, come on inside. I’m Prudence Bailey, and I’d like to welcome you to my home and bed and breakfast.”

  She continued talking, and I just watched her. She was a happy sort with her silvery-gray hair up in an elegant do. She was every bit of… at least sixty, but looked good for her age. The chartreuse pants and jacket she wore would’ve seemed loud on anyone else, but worked surprisingly well with her vibrant blue eyes. A couple of pounds more and her full figure would’ve ventured dangerously into overweight territory—something she’d just said jarred me from my thoughts.

  “As I was saying, Mr. Shayne, my dearest and oldest friend, whom you’ve met—Billy from the campgrounds, told me that you boys have a hearty appetite, and absolutely adore dessert.”

  “I can’t disagree with that, Mrs. Bailey, and please call me Layton.”

  “Alright, Layton, and you absolutely must call me Prudence. I was thinking maybe we’d lost you for a minute there. After all that excitement at the campgrounds, would you like to take a little nap?”

  “Oh, no, Ma’am,” I said. “I was just impressed by your attire, not many women could carry off such a bold color. And very few could carry it off as nicely as you do, if you don’t mind my saying so.”

  “I’ve never been one to mind a compliment, Layton. But back to the topic at hand, I normally have a batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies waiting for my guests, but Billy suggested that after fighting those nasty zombies, you men might be hungry for something more.”

  “Those cookies sounded good to me,” Buck said, sadly.

  “Don’t look so sad, my lil, Buck-eye, Mama Pru knows how to take care of her guests. I whipped up my homemade, super scrumptious, delicious, vanilla triple layer cake with chocolate fudge frosting, so I could make y’all my special cake sundaes with real vanilla ice cream, warm chocolate sauce, and homemade whipped cream.”

  “I have died and gone to Heaven, Mama Pru,” I said, trying to keep from salivating just thinking about the sundae.

  “Well, come along then, we can eat out on the porch,” Prudence said. “Oops, silly me, I forgot to mention that Miss Lucy and her boys brought your luggage and put it in your rooms—well, all except Sassy’s, but I’m sure you boys won’t mind getting it while us girls set everything up out back.

  Sassy reached into her purse, took her car keys and tossed them to me.

  “Thanks, boys, my luggage is in the trunk.”

  Buck, Alex, and I went out to Sassy’s Mustang and I opened the trunk.

  “Holy, moly!” Buck said. “I’m turning straight and marrying that lil Dita wannabe… just look at all this stuff.”

  “That’s some arsenal,” Alex said. “And, Buck, I don’t think you can just turn straight, the same as someone straight can’t just turn gay.”

  “I don’t know about that,” I said and grinned. “There was this very straight guy on my football team in high school that was a teeny bit curious one night… and a whole lot willing—”

  “And!” Buck and Alex said unison.

  “And I had that straight boy’s legs in the air in ten seconds flat. It may not have turned him gay, but he sure enjoyed it… at least, for the night.”

  “Wow,” Buck said. “I was just kidding about turning straight, I’m not that dumb—you guys know that, right?”

  “Sure we do,” Alex said.

  “We don’t think you’re dumb at all, Buck… a little naive and childlike, but not necessarily dumb,” I said.

  I handed Buck a rolling bag, and Alex a smaller carrying case. All the while, I couldn’t help but admire the array of guns, rifles, and knives Sassy had neatly arranged in special flat racks in her trunk and on the underside of its lid, along with a prominently displayed license granting her permission to carry them all. After one last look, I grabbed a garment bag, then shut the trunk.

  “OK, now onto more important things—like dessert,” I said.

  Back inside, we were greeted once again by Prudence.

  “If you dears don’t mind taking that up to Sassy’s room; it’s upstairs, first room to the left with the all pink decor. I’ll be heating up that chocolate sauce.”

  She left, and Buck rushed up the stairs, which were up against the wall to the right, but open with a shiny wood railing on the left side.

  “I’ll be right up, keep an eye on Buck for me,” I said.

  “Sure thing, boss,” Alex said then smiled at me and winked.

  A picture on the wall had caught my eye, and I took a moment to look around the entry hall. It was a nice, fairly large space with a living room to the left and a library to the right. A crystal chandelier hung right above my head, and tasteful floral wallpaper hung on the walls. The wood bannister and railing of the staircase were ornate, and stained a dark natural color. On the left wall hung a landscape painting, and to the left of that was a photograph with a label stating that it was of a young Prudence acting in a Ramard Playhouse production of The Curse of the Green-Eyed Lady—featuring one of the original green-eyed lady statues, which was held by Prudence in the photo. It looked like it could indeed be the real statue. I took one last look at it before hurrying upstairs.

  When I walked into the room, I discovered Alex and Buck looking around with their mouths hanging open.

  “I have never seen so much pink in my life,” Alex said.

  “It looks like someone just coated the entire room and everything in it in Pepto-Bismol.” I said.

  “Ugh!” Buck said. “Even the walls and the woodwork are pink.”

  “Even the curtains and the bedspread are pink,” Alex said.

  “Don’t forget the pink shag rug,” I said. “C’mon let’s go drown our disgust in some cake sundaes.”

  * * * *

  We must’ve made a pretty picture sitting on the back porch eating our sundaes. I had taken off my jacket and was sitting barefoot in the white wicker porch swing with my legs stretched out holding a bowl containing a cake sundae piled high with whipped cream. Alex, who was sitting next to me, had stolen the cherry from my sundae and was giving me an evil, self-satisfied grin. Buck sat in a white wicker rocker, happily rocking away while totally concentrating on his sundae. Sassy sat daintily next to Prudence on a wicker sofa with turquoise colored cushions and tangerine pillows.

  “Prudence, these sundaes are such a decadent delight; that was so sweet of you to make them for us,” Sassy said.

  “Oh, it was my pleasure,” Prudence said. “Are you gentlemen enjoying your sundaes?”

  “Heck, yeah!” Buck said. “There’s nothing like homemade cake, all warm and gooey with ice cream on top.”

  “I’m not usually one for desserts, but this one is out of this world,” Alex said.

  My mouth was full, so I raised my spoon in response. Prudence smiled, and her eyes lit up.

  “Thank y’all for taking Sassy’s luggage up to her room,” Prudence said.

  “Speaking of rooms,” Buck said, “what gives? The rest of the rooms I’ve seen around here are all classy and nice n’ stuff, but that room looks like a lil boy’s worst nightmare.”

  “Buck, that’s not a very nice thing to say,” Alex said.

  “It’s alright, Alex,” Prudence said. “Buck is quite astute; it takes a man of refined tastes to see the use of a different hand in decorating that room. I bet you’d feel that one lil green pea under all those mattresses, wouldn’t you, Buck?”

  “Huh?” Buck said. “Hang on—it took me a minute to get that. You’re saying I’m like the princess in that fairy story The Princess and the Pea.”

  “Exactly,” Prudence said. “Would you believe that once upon a time, I played the role of the princess in our local theater production of The Princess and the Pea?”

  Buck laughed before responding. “That’s funny—I like the way you said ‘once upon a time.’ Well, my mom and pops always said I had refined tastes. I remember one time they had the mansion redone by some fancy decorator—nope, sorry, that was the beach house they had redone—oops, wrong again, it was the mountain home—or was it the home in Palm Beach?”

  Everyone was staring at Buck as he scratched his head. If I didn’t know better, I would’ve thought he was trying to be a snobby show off, but he was just being Buck.

  “I remember now!” Buck said, jumping up and almost spilling his sundae. “It was the beach house, because after that, Momma went and took interior decorating classes at the local junior college, so she could do her own decorating. You should’ve seen what that decorator did to the beach house…holy moly, it was a mess. Multi-colored stripes everywhere—the walls, the ceilings, even the floor. It took forever to have everything primed and redone. So, did your decorator go crazy on you too?”

  “Buck, darlin’, have you ever thought about working on the stage?” Prudence said. “I think you may just have the knack for it.”

  “I did a little of that stuff when I was young, but I didn’t like having to memorize all the lines, and I wasn’t too good with the stage directions either.”

  “That’s a shame,” Prudence said. “Would you believe I decorated this entire house myself… well, everything but that pink monstrosity—that was my daughter Abigail’s room.”

  “Do tell,” Sassy said before taking a spoonful of her dessert.

  “Well, that little missy daughter of mine took it upon herself when she was about ten years old to paint the entire room pink—woodwork and all. And she’d done it on purpose, knowing how I detest the color pink.”

  “What did you do when you saw what she’d done?” Alex said.

  “I nearly fainted at the sight, I tell ya,” Prudence said. “Then I decided that since she was so proud of herself for what she’d done, she could live in it just like it was. Heck, I even added the pink area rug, curtains, and comforter. That girl hated every minute of being in what folks around here have always referred to as the Pepto room. The room is so famous now that there are actual websites dedicated to it, and people even request that room when they book their stay. Miss Lucy specifically requested that room for you, Sassy.”

  “That was kind of her, knowing how much I just adore the color pink,” Sassy said sarcastically.

  “Oh, I see,” Prudence said. “That happens a lot too. Some big footballer or businessman comes to stay, and finds out his friends or associates have booked him into the Pink Pepto Room. It can truly be funny sometimes.”

  “Do you act in a lot of plays, Prudence,” I said. “I noticed that photo of you in a production about the green-eyed statue on the entryway wall.”

  “That’s an oldie, but goodie,” Prudence said. “One of the townsfolk wrote a play about the green-eyed lady statues, and Billy’s partner, whose name shall not soon pass these lips, lent us his authentic statue to go with the one we had. Everyone in the surrounding areas came to see our show, or to be more specific, to see the green-eyed ladies. We were a huge success, and even extended the show by two weeks. My personal hope was to see the play performed annually as a Ramard tradition. You know, like they continuously run that play Unto These Hills in North Carolina.”

  “That sounds like it was a good idea,” I said. “What happened?”

  “You betcha sweet ass it was a good idea,” Prudence said, shocking us all. “That lil no good, pissant, motherfuckin’, son of a bitch, piece of shit, low down, dirty flea-bitten dog of a man, whose name won’t leave these lips, refused to let us use his statue in the play anymore. He didn’t even give us a reason why—the little shit.”

  We all just stared at her in disbelief with our mouths hanging open, Buck even dropped his spoon on the floor and looked like he was about to cry.

  “Another illusion shattered,” Buck said. “And I thought you were a real lady, Miss Pru.”

  “Honey, I am so sorry,” Prudence said. “I don’t usually talk that way—it’s that man of Billy’s, he’s dead now; but he still gets me riled up and gets my blood boiling.”

  “Isn’t it always a man,” Sassy said before leaving her seat, picking up Buck’s spoon, and leaving the room with it and her empty bowl.

  “That’s just shocking, Miss Pru… just shocking,” Buck said. “I’m feeling so troubled, I may have to lie down.”

  I looked over at Alex while licking fudge frosting off my spoon. It was unbelievable—Prudence’s outburst really had affected Buck, who was a grown man. Prudence stood up, walked over to Buck and wrapped her arms around him.

  “Poor, baby boy, I didn’t mean to upset you so,” Prudence said before turning to Alex and me. “My younger child Linus is an emotional type like Buck; some folks are just born that way. It’s my fault for not minding my manners. Buck, honey, you cheer up, and I’ll bake you some nice warm chocolate chip cookies to have with milk at bedtime.”

  “You know, I’m feeling a lil upset and shook up myself,” I said.

  Prudence laughed and said, “Don’t worry, I’ll make enough for everybody. Layton, hun, you have a lil chocolate sauce on your upper lip.”

  I licked my lip. “Mmm… thank you for pointing that out.”

  Sassy walked back onto the porch and handed Buck a clean spoon.

  “Stop your whining and eat your sundae,” Sassy said.

  “Prudence, could you tell us about the history of this area,” I said.

  “Now, I can really tell you folks some interesting and colorful stories,” she said.

  -22-

  Snooping Around

  “So the town of Aurora has been here a while,” I said. Prudence had been rambling about the locals and the two towns for some time now.

  “As I said, people were wary of the hippies at first, but they were nice enough, so things eventually settled down,” Prudence said. “I always give that community a lot of credit for my being able to conceive Abigail and later her brother Linus.”

  “Why is that?” I said.

  “Those people over there have their ways about them. I don’t go for all that new age religious stuff, but there’s something to be said for their sense of peace and tranquility. I guess I had something like a nervous womb that I needed to bring some inner peace to, so I visited the place. There was this sweet little home where Louise Parkinson lived with her husband; they had a lovely garden in back, where they would teach people how to relax, do yoga, relax the womb, and stuff.”

 

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