Seven Weeks to Forever, page 19
I close the door behind him and then sink down to the floor. The tears I’ve been fighting back all night spill down my cheeks, and I don’t try to stop them this time.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Countdown to The Life-After: day zero.
In the entire time I’ve been back here in The Before, I’ve never hoped that morning wouldn’t come. But at 2 a.m., after I’ve been lying awake in my bed for hours, I wish that time would stand still. I breathe in slowly, trying to clear the image of Riley out of my mind. I can’t think about him now. If I do, every part of me will want to go back on the decision I’ve made. My love has to be stronger than my fear of what’s going to change.
All I can do in these last hours is try to stay calm. I pull myself up to sit cross-legged, my back propped up against the pillows on my bed, and put the tips of my index fingers and thumbs together. Resting my hands on my knees, I focus on my breath like Amarleen taught me to do.
It feels like my eyes have been closed for only a few seconds when I bolt awake, my head jerking up from where it’s fallen forward. Every one of my limbs tingles, the energy so strong that my spine feels like a live wire. It takes me a minute or two to catch my breath and settle into the energy.
When I look over at the clock, I see that three hours have passed since I last checked the time. There’s also something on my bedside table that wasn’t there before — an indigo feather.
Thanks, Noah, I think. He’s here with me, I know, even though I can’t see him. I will soon.
I rub my eyes with my hands, fighting back a yawn. It’s time to get out of bed for the last time in The Before, but it takes a lot of effort. My body doesn’t want to co-operate with me, or maybe it’s me who doesn’t want to co-operate with myself.
“A little help, please,” I whisper into the still-dark room. Then I’m standing, effortlessly, putting a comb through my hair and getting dressed. My clothes are the ones I’ll be found in when my body is pulled out of the ocean.
The streets are empty when I leave my house to drive to Malibu, since it’s still too early for most people to be up. It will look like I went for an early morning run on the beach, and then maybe waded into the waves to cool off. Even at sunrise, it’s already a blisteringly hot day. They’ll think it was all just a tragic accident, a young girl who didn’t know about the riptide.
I park my car in a deserted beachside parking lot. Once I’m on the beach, I jog for about a mile, leaving footprints in the sand. I’m doing my best not to think about Riley when I pass by the spot where he left the bouquet of pink roses that morning a couple of weeks ago. The flowers aren’t there anymore but I’m reminded that Amanda must have walked this way too, maybe also trying to keep Riley from her mind.
I stop jogging as the first rays of daylight hit the beach and I get to the spot I need to be at. Dropping to my knees in the sand, I let the sound of the ocean waves fill my ears. I close my eyes. Soon the golden glow of The Life-After is all I can see, the light stronger than it’s ever been since I left to come back as a second-timer.
The glow remains around everything when I open my eyes again. Noah’s here now, standing by the shore.
“Ready?” he asks, reaching for my hand.
“Ready,” I echo, letting my fingers join his.
I put one foot in front of the other, keeping hold of Noah’s hand while we head for the ocean. My feet meet the water and I feel as if I’m floating on top of it, even though I wade deeper into it with each step. I can’t feel the temperature of the water, and I know I won’t be aware of anything when I go under. When I’m waist deep, I look back to the shore for one final, silent goodbye.
Then I’m moving again, deeper and deeper until the water is at my shoulders. I start to bend my knees. The water is up to my eyebrows and I’m close to breathing it in when I feel myself being lifted up and carried somewhere high above the surface. It’s only a few seconds until there’s sand beneath my feet. When I open my eyes, I’m back on the beach. Noah is nowhere to be seen.
The shoreline and the cliffs around me are still outlined in golden light, so I know I haven’t lost my connection to the energy of The Life-After. I look around for Noah again but still can’t find him. What I do see makes me squint into the sunlight and wonder if I’m still submerged beneath the ocean’s waves, having some kind of between-life dream. I can’t possibly be seeing what I’m seeing, because what I see is David at the end of the beach. The breeze ruffles his dark, shaggy hair.
He’s walking closer to me and there’s a smile playing on his lips. I should smile back, but my mouth, much like the rest of me, doesn’t want to move. If I can reach out and touch him, maybe that will tell me if this is real. Still, my arms stay glued to my sides.
In the decades since I left my life here as Anna, and for most of the years since my return to The Before, I’ve imagined finding David. I dreamed of disproving everything Noah told me about what happened to him once he vanished. I wanted to believe that David’s energy was here somewhere, lingering, because energy can’t be destroyed. Every time I let myself have that daydream, though, I was so swept up in the relief and excitement of seeing him again that the feeling lasted even after the daydream was over. Now that the daydream is real — or I think it is, at least — relieved and excited isn’t how I feel.
I know that I loved David once, very much, and I’m sure that a part of me still loves him. But it’s different now. When I look at him standing in front of me, I don’t feel the way I did back then and I can’t come up with the words to tell him this. I don’t need to, though, because he seems to hear my thoughts.
“It’s okay,” he says. “This is how it’s supposed to be.”
It seems like it’s been forever since I last heard that voice. I want to know where he’s been since he disappeared a lifetime ago, but something isn’t letting me ask him.
“How did you get here?” I ask instead.
“You freed me.” That’s all he says.
“I don’t understand,” I tell him. He nods, reaching out to touch my arm. I expect to feel a tingle of energy like I do when Riley touches me and our energy connects, but I don’t. When I focus, I realize it’s because my energy isn’t reaching out to connect with his. It should be. Our energy used to be linked so strongly that it destroyed me when I didn’t have that connection to him anymore. Or at least that’s how Noah explained it to me.
“This is how it’s supposed to be,” he repeats, answering my thoughts again. If he can hear them, then his energy must already be elevated to a level that’s far above mine. This doesn’t even begin to make sense.
He moves his hand away from my arm. I watch him, hoping that something in his energy will tell me everything I want to know. It doesn’t. Either I’m thinking that or it’s clear what I’m trying to do, because he opens his mouth to speak again.
“When your energy started connecting with Riley’s, my energy started to become free from where it was bound. The more you connected, little by little, the more free my energy became. When you opened yourself up fully and let yourself love again, what I did wrong was set right. Pardoned or forgiven, I guess, since your energy healed things. It’s like I served my time and now I’m free to move on.”
“You couldn’t somehow tell me this as your energy was set free?” Maybe that’s not how this works, but it seems like he would have been able to reach out to me as his energy became more free.
He holds out one of his arms. “Do you recognize this?” he asks, opening his fist. A white feather lies flat on his palm. I stare at it.
“The feathers were from you?” I ask.
“Yes. They were all I could send when you started connecting with Riley.”
A hand touches my shoulder, and I force my eyes away from David and the feather. Noah stands beside me.
“Are you ready?” he asks. I start to answer him, but then I realize he isn’t speaking to me.
“I’m ready,” David says.
I open my mouth to ask him what he’s ready for, but he fades away in front of me and the feather flutters into the air. Within seconds, there’s no sign that he ever stood here on the beach, except for one white feather that’s landed on the sand.
“What just happened?” I keep my eyes on the spot where David disappeared.
Noah squeezes my shoulder. “He went home,” he replies. I shake my head, still not understanding. He smiles. “The Life-After.”
“But I thought—” I stop. None of this feels real. “I don’t get it,” I mumble, letting myself sink down to sit on the sand. Noah sits down beside me.
I watch the ocean, silent while I try to figure out how to say what I’m thinking. It’s hard to find words that won’t make me sound like a spiteful person who’s finding the universe just a little bit out of balance. Finally, I just say it.
“David gets to return to The Life-After because of something I did to set him free, and I have to abandon the kind of love that almost everyone else in The Before gets years to explore and enjoy? That’s how this works?” I know I won’t feel this way when I’m in The Life-After, but here in The Before, on this beach, it just seems messed up.
“Not quite,” he replies.
“Then what?” I ask.
“It’s not your time.”
“But today is the day I go back,” I argue. I’m certain it is. I’ve been counting down to this day for eighteen years.
“You thought so, but it’s not,” Noah says. He scoops up a handful of sand, letting it slip through his fingers. I watch it scatter in the breeze. “Today is the day you freed David.”
“So when do I go back?”
“After you finish your life here with Riley.”
“I can’t see Riley past today, though. You already showed me what happens if I stay.”
He scoops up another handful of sand. “No. You saw what you needed to see so you could make the decision on your own. You chose to be guided by a love for Riley that went beyond your own wants, so that he could have the life he’s meant for. That kind of choice is the truest love there is.”
“I still want that for him, more than anything. I want him to get to The Life-After when he’s supposed to, and to be happy for the rest of his time here.”
“He’ll do both of those things, but you’re going to do them together.”
I look at Noah, not sure if I’m really hearing what I think I’m hearing. He smiles.
“Let me show you. Close your eyes and think of Riley. You’ll understand.”
He reaches out and takes my hand. I close my eyes. Golden light glitters for a moment and then images begin to appear. The first image is similar to something Noah’s shown me before. Riley sits on a sofa, reading to a little girl who’s about three or four years old. But this time, she’s the daughter Riley and I had when I saw his future if I chose to stay, and not the girl I watched him read to in the other vision.
He looks up from the book, just like he did the last time I saw this. When his eyes move to the doorway of the room, I can see the woman standing there. It’s me, and I’m holding a baby boy who looks to be only a few months old. There’s a ring on the third finger of my left hand, I notice. Riley has one, too.
His eyes light up when he sees me standing there with our son. I walk over to sit beside him and our daughter, holding our son on my lap, and we read the story together. Our daughter’s eyes shine with delight when Riley makes up voices for each of the characters. On my face, I see deep contentment and love.
The image fades and what I recognize as a film set comes into focus. There’s a whole crew of people on the soundstage, and I can tell from how much time I spent on sets as Anna that everyone is getting ready to shoot a scene. I can’t figure out why I’m being shown this image until I notice a young woman sitting in the corner, waiting as a makeup artist finishes touch-ups to her face. The young woman is me.
I go back into acting? I wonder, just as the scene fades out and another image takes its place. Riley’s with me this time, and we’re making our way from a limousine onto a red carpet. Flashbulbs light up the night and I blink a few times, but I’m grinning from ear to ear and so is Riley. We wave at the people standing behind metal barricades on either side of the red carpet. Then we make our way over to a step-and-repeat backdrop for photos and interviews where we’re greeted by a slew of photographers, videographers, and reporters. One of the reporters holds his microphone out to me and the scene fades.
It’s replaced by the image I’ve seen before of Riley at a book signing, hundreds of people crowding around him. The line of people waiting to talk to him and get his signature wraps around the store several times. I feel a surge of pride watching him scribble inside of the novel that’s handed to him. He beams as he passes it back across the table. Selena is there, too, standing right beside me. We must make up and become friends again. Maybe the note I left in her mailbox was the start.
Right after that comes the image of Riley receiving an award, and then the benefit concert where he’s singing on stage, receiving wild cheers from the thousands of people in the audience. I see flashes of fundraising dinners and charity events similar to the ones I saw before, but both of us are there this time.
When the familiar pictures fade, a new one flashes before my eyes. We’re older now, probably in our fifties. Our daughter and son sit with us at a dining room table, along with a baby in a high chair. A young man I haven’t seen before sits beside our daughter, and both of them are wearing wedding bands. This is our son-in-law and the baby is our grandson. It’s a vision of a life I didn’t think was possible, and that I can’t wait to live.
Golden light appears in front of me again, and its brilliant glow is all I can see. I open my eyes, blinking a few times to bring myself back to the present. Noah watches me.
“This is different from what you showed me before,” I tell him. Of course he already knows that.
“It is,” he agrees. “Like I said, what you saw before was what you needed to see to listen to your heart, instead of being overpowered by the fear of what you’d be losing. It’s all energy.”
I think about that for a minute, and then about all I’ve just seen. A life with Riley, and our children and grandchildren. A friendship with Selena again. Doing great things for the world to raise the energy of others and of ourselves. Having the successful career that was cut short when my time in The Before as Anna came to an end. Another chance at this part of life and at love, blessed with all of the things I never thought I’d have.
“Take a few minutes to process it,” Noah says, squeezing my shoulder again. I turn to face him and for the first time that I can remember, wrap my arms around him in a hug.
“Thank you,” I murmur, my voice coming out muffled since my face is pressed into his shoulder. I feel him put his arms around me.
“Welcome back to life.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
It’s still early in the morning when I rap my knuckles against Riley’s door. I know I’m probably waking him up, but something inside of me wants to see him right now and can’t wait a couple more hours. I know that I have the rest of my life here and in The Life-After to spend with him, but part of me needs to be sure that everything that’s happened today isn’t just my mind playing some huge prank. If I can see Riley and hold him, then I’ll know that this is real.
I’ve barely touched the door when it opens. He’s disheveled from sleep and bleary-eyed, but Riley’s face still lights up when he sees me. His smile sends warmth through me from head to toe. I take a step forward into his arms. He smells good, like sleep and fabric softener and a hint of soap. The scents mingle together and comfort me in a way that I know nothing else can.
“Did I wake you up?” I ask him, burying my head in his shoulder.
His arms tighten around me. I feel him shake his head. “Something woke me up a while ago, and I couldn’t get back to sleep.” He takes my hand, leading me inside. I push the door closed behind us.
We stop by the kitchen, where Riley presses his lips against my forehead. “Coffee?” he asks.
I bring a finger up to his bottom lip, touching it gently. He kisses my finger, then wraps his arms around my waist.
“Let’s go back to sleep,” I suggest.
He nods, taking my hand again and leading me past the kitchen and into his bedroom. I sink down onto his bed, burrowing under the covers and holding them up for him to slide in next to me. Lying beside him was all I wanted to do last night when I thought I was leaving. Now I know that I’ll be doing this for the rest of our lives.
He doesn’t ask me why I’ve shown up at his door not long after dawn. And then I realize something. I’m not sure if I get it on my own, or if it’s Noah who puts the thought into my head, but it doesn’t matter. Riley wants me to be here, and he doesn’t care what time it is or why I came. And here is where I always want to be, snuggled up like we are right now, so close I can feel the rise and fall of his chest. I feel myself relax against him.
“Comfortable?” he asks.
“Very,” I say, yawning.
He kisses the top of my head and then lets his chin come to rest there. After a minute or two his breathing becomes deep and even, and I know he’s fallen asleep.
When he wakes up, I’ll tell him about the yoga weekend Lauren mentioned. I’ll ask him if he wants to come with me, and if he wants to come to Amarleen’s class some time. The thought of introducing the boyfriend I never thought I’d have to the new friends I also never thought I’d have makes me want to laugh. Not because it’s funny, but because the surprises I’ve been given make me happy in a way I never could have imagined before. I have years of this happiness ahead of me now, and I’m grateful.
I shift my eyes to the window, just in time to see an indigo feather float by. It stays suspended in the air for a few seconds, held up against the glass.
