This Love, page 9
part #45 of Forever and Ever Series
Like always, my body tensed whenever he was near. My breathing changed and increased slightly. My palms felt clammy and sweaty at the same time. My mouth went dry. My heart may be broken but everything else was still alive and well.
He stopped when he was in front of me, just a breath away. “I’ll give you as much time as you need. I know I messed up and it’s going to take longer than a few months to get over it. But I’m going to be here no matter what. You can push me away, you can say hateful things to me, it doesn’t matter. You and I are forever.”
I took a deep breath and felt my lungs ache when the air was released. Where was this determination when I needed it most? When he hurt me, why didn’t he just stop? Why did he have to damage my heart so badly that it could never be repaired? “Arsen, we’re never getting back together.” I kept my voice steady as I said those painful words. “Some distance would be good for both of us, until we can get over each other.”
“Get over each other?” A sarcastic laugh was deep in his throat. “I’ll never get over you. I don’t want to get over you.”
I didn’t either.
“And you’ll never get over me.”
I looked away and stared at the brick wall.
“You’re the love of my life, Silke. You’re the mother figure my daughter needs—”
“Don’t you dare bring her into this.” My heart ached for Abby. I’d never considered myself to be motherly but when I fell in love with Abby my world changed. She was the daughter I never had. She was my whole world. Losing her was the worst part of all this.
“But it’s the truth.” He came closer to me, just inches away. “Let’s be a family. I won’t mess this up again. I promise.”
“Your promises mean nothing, Arsen.” He’d broken too many of them.
“I’m just asking for one more chance.”
“My heart can’t handle it anymore. I want a nice guy. I want a safe guy.”
“No, you don’t.” His eyes burned as they stared into mine. “You want a love so hot it’s combustible. You want a guy that you are so hard-up for that it actually hurts. You want sex that leaves you breathless and sore. You want me, all the good, the bad, and the ugly.”
I couldn’t look at him anymore. It was too difficult.
Without any warning Arsen gripped my face and pressed his mouth to mine. He kissed me hard on the mouth, like I was his and there was nothing I could do about it. His lips moved against mine and he gripped me tightly.
Naturally, I responded to him. I felt the heat of his kiss and wanted to dive head first into it. I wanted to feel the burn from the fire. His tongue moved into my mouth and it met mine instantly.
He squeezed my waist and pulled me into his chest, solidifying our affection. He was claiming me, forever.
I finally came to my senses and stepped back. My fingers touched my lips because they were on fire. A glare was on my face because I hated the way Arsen seduced me. He played me, like always.
There was no remorse on his face. In fact, he looked more determined than ever before.
The sound of footsteps tapped on the hard floor, and I looked over to see my dad slowly backing out of the firehouse, like he was hoping to leave without us noticing him.
Shit.
Arsen turned and spotted him too.
Dad froze, looking awkward. “Uh…sorry for the interruption.” He turned around and walked out.
I covered my face in humiliation. My dad just watched me make out with Arsen, and he probably heard Arsen’s comment about all the hot sex we used to have.
Arsen didn’t seem to care at all. “He knows we love each other, Silke. Don’t be embarrassed.”
“He’s not your father. You don’t get it.”
“He is my father.” He said with confidence. “And I know he wants us to be together.”
“No, he wants me to be happy.”
“And we both know I’m the only guy in the world who can accomplish that.”
***
My apartment was empty and lonely. All my stuff was here but I hadn’t unpacked. It was a place to live but it certainly wasn’t a home. My bedroom had boxes of my things, and my furniture was hardly used.
I hated Arsen.
I hated what he had done to me. This on-and-off-again relationship had been going on for nearly four years. As much as I wanted to believe that we would get a happily ever after I knew we wouldn’t. Like always, there would be a bump in the road and Arsen would have a meltdown.
He did it time and time again.
I wasn’t perfect by any means, but I never pushed him away like he did to me. I was always in the relationship, completely and utterly. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life going back and forth like this. I wanted something comfortable. Something safe.
I did something I never thought I would do. I signed up for a dating app and made a profile. After I included all my information and uploaded a picture, I started getting responses from various guys. To my surprise, a lot of them were cute. I assumed only weirdoes used online dating, but it seemed like I was wrong.
There was one guy in particular I noticed. He was cute but not over-the-top attractive like Arsen. He was a pharmacist at the New York Medical Center, and he was just two years older than me. We had a lot of the same interests, and before I could finish reading everything else about him he messaged me.
Hey Silke. Is that pronounced like the fabric?
I typed away. Yes. The E is silent.
Very cool. My name is Luke. The E is also silent.
I chuckled at his humor. Thanks for the heads up.
You work at the MET? I’ve been there a few times. Well, I have to play tourist guide when all my friends and family come for a visit.
I laughed again. I know how that goes.
We seem to get each other. How about dinner tomorrow night?
I stared at the words on the screen but didn’t make a move. It was fine talking to him through the computer screen, but actually going on a date was a whole new level. All I could think about was Arsen, the only man I’ve ever loved.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to rush things. We can get to know each other better on here if you prefer. I understand a woman’s hesitance. There’s a lot of weirdoes out there.
I made my decision to move on from Arsen and I needed to pursue that. If not, I would be stuck in that heartbreaking vortex for all eternity. I would love to. How about Italian?
He responded almost immediately. Sounds great, Silk. (I’m going to spell it phonetically.)
I laughed. Then I’m going to do the same, Luk.
There was a knock on my door before it opened. The fact they just walked inside told me it was my Dad. He was the only person who did that. “Hey, sweetheart.” He shut the door behind him and stood in the entryway. “Busy?”
“No.” I left my computer and approached him. “What’s up?”
He rubbed the back of his neck like he was uncomfortable. “I wanted to apologize for the other day…I wasn’t spying on you. I just showed up and—”
“Dad, it’s okay. I know.” I held up my hand to silence him. The fact he saw us still made me uncomfortable, but he was probably just as uncomfortable as I was.
“Just wanted to make sure I wasn’t pulling a Sean.”
Despite the awkwardness I laughed. “I don’t think even Sean would do that.”
“You catch my drift.” He eased up now that the hard part was over. “Have you made anything for the gallery yet?”
“No, but I will. I’ve just been busy with my other job.”
Dad walked to the refrigerator and grabbed a beer. He took a seat at the table and drank it. “That’s a lot to juggle.”
“It is.” I returned to my seat and looked at my computer.
Luke had written something else. What time?
I quickly typed back. Seven o’ clock at Fabian’s.
Sounds good.
I closed the computer and pushed it aside.
“Were you working on something?” Dad asked.
“No…” I may as well tell him. It was better to be honest instead of catching him off guard later. “I’m going on a date with this guy.”
Dad was about to take a drink but stopped before the top reached his lips. “A date?” He couldn’t keep the surprise out of his face. After seeing Arsen and I make out the other day he was probably confused.
“Yeah…I think it’s for the best. Arsen won’t stop chasing me, and he doesn’t think I’m being serious when I say we’re never getting back together. He won’t give up until it’s clear I’m never going to change my mind.”
Dad stared at me and felt the bottle in his fingertips. He didn’t say anything, probably because the situation was a conflict of interest. “Who’s the guy?”
“Some guy I met online.”
“Do you know him?”
“No. I used an app.”
“Don’t let him pick you up. Meet at the restaurant.” The protective side of him came out.
“I know, Dad.” At least he didn’t try to talk to me out of it altogether.
“I can go with you if that would make things easier.”
“It’s fine. Really.”
“Okay.” He seemed to understand he was getting too close to the line so he backed off. “Does Arsen know this?”
“No…but he’ll figure it out eventually.”
“So, that kiss I saw the other day…it didn’t mean anything?”
Dad and I didn’t talk about my personal life a lot, at least not before Arsen. But now that he was so tightly knit to our group it was difficult to ignore it. Dad wasn’t being nosy but he needed to know what was going on. “It did mean something. It always means something. But I’m tired of being seduced by him and his pretty words. Every time he pulls me in, he just pushes me away later. I want what you and Mom have. Sometimes you fight and butt heads but you know where both of you belong. You never run away and neither does she. You guys are in it together—forever. With Arsen…he’s always a flight risk.”
He didn’t take another drink of his beer. Instead, he fidgeted with it. “I understand what you mean.”
“Arsen and I have been doing this dance for a long time. At this point in my life I need something more stable. He’ll never give that to me. It doesn’t matter how much I love him.”
“So, you do still love him?”
“Pathetically.” I hated myself for it. Why couldn’t I shake him off? Why couldn’t I just snap my fingers and forget about him?
Dad nodded slightly.
I watched him and was surprised he didn’t give his advice like always. “You’re okay with this?”
He stopped touching his beer and crossed his arms over his chest. “Sweetheart, do whatever makes you happy.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“If you’re looking for assurance, you have it. There’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing. Arsen messed up really bad. I won’t sit here and tell you to give him another chance. You deserve to be with a man that doesn’t need to mess up three times before he gets it right.”
Those were the words I wanted to hear.
“But being with someone just because you think they’ll never hurt you is no way to live. If there’s no fire, no heat, then the relationship is stale and pointless. You want someone who makes you feel alive. Don’t pick a guy because you think he’ll never hurt you.”
“But I’m so tired of this…”
“I know,” he said gently. “You can find someone that makes you feel alive every single day of your life but also loves you enough to protect your heart. Just don’t settle. That’s all I ask.”
I stared at the top of my computer.
“Is Arsen the one?”
My eyes turned back to him. “Unfortunately.”
He peeled the wrapper off his beer.
“But I don’t want him to be the one.”
Dad nodded in understanding. “Do whatever makes you happy, Silke. If Arsen doesn’t make you happy, then you’re right to move on.”
That was the problem. I knew he could make me happy, so happy I floated to the clouds. He’d done it before. The problem was, he always sabotaged it with his insecurities and meltdowns. Just when I was at the top of the mountains he pulled me down to the deepest valleys. The highs and lows were getting old.
My heart couldn’t take it anymore.
Chapter Eight
Ryan
I was dreading this.
Silke was my daughter, my whole world. Even if she didn’t realize it, her mother and I constantly looked after her. I never babied her as a child because I wanted her to grow up and be an independent woman just like her mother, and I succeeded.
I was so proud of her.
And I was proud of Slade as well. I had two magnificent kids. Now that they were adults, they were my friends as well as my children. I was the luckiest guy in the world. At one point in time I didn’t want kids. But now I couldn’t picture my life without them.
But now I had a third son.
Arsen.
I loved him like my own and I didn’t think of him as a pity case. I didn’t even think of him as an adoption. He was the long lost son I never knew I had. Like him, I never had a father and I decided to be that for him. And in the end, he really did become my son.
So telling him this was going to kill me.
Arsen was an inspirational person. He’d been through more than most people faced in a lifetime. His mother was terrible to him, but he eventually found the strength to forgive her. He had a daughter, and while he abandoned her in the beginning, he manned up and took responsibility for what he had done. And as a result, he became a great father.
People who’ve seen the things he has don’t come out on top, not like he has. He has a heart of gold, and I knew he loved Silke as much as he loved Abby. I was proud of him too.
Even if he lost his way a few times.
The fact I had to tell him about Silke broke my heart. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to see the devastation on his face. While I agreed with Silke’s decision, it didn’t make this any easier.
Arsen ate his sandwich across the table from me. We just left the gym and we were both starving after our workout. Slade and I never worked out together because Slade preferred Krav Maga for exercise. I preferred weight training, as did Arsen.
Arsen ate a few chips while he watched me. “Something wrong?”
Yes. “No. Just tired.”
He continued to stare at me. “If this is because of what you saw the other day…”
“It’s not.” And I didn’t want to keep talking about it. It would always be uncomfortable for me to see my daughter be affectionate with a man, no matter how old she was. It was the same thing as her seeing me kiss her mother.
Arsen dropped the conversation but suspicion was still in his eyes.
I decided just to get it over with. “Actually, there’s something I want to talk about…” I cleared my throat and prepared for the destruction my bomb was about to make.
“What is it?”
“It’s about Silke.”
Arsen didn’t look surprised, like he expected me to breach this subject. “I know you don’t approve of me anymore and I can’t say that I blame you. But I really love her, and I will work my ass off to get her back. I’ll make it up to both of you.”
I cringed because that just made it worse. “It’s not that.”
“Then what?”
I sighed in preparation. Sometimes I wish Janice would take the reins sometimes. But I knew she was more upset with Arsen than I was. “I talked to Silke the other day…she has a date this week.”
Arsen didn’t react noticeably. He just stared at me, speechless. He was so still he didn’t look real, but a figurine. Then his eyes subtly changed. They dilated like the light had dimmed and he could no longer see. His hands slowly formed fists on the table. His chest started to rise and fall at a quicker pace. The movements were subtle, but together they were unmistakable.
I hated this.
Arsen retained his silence, suffering behind the look on his face. As seconds passed he looked even more heartbroken. The pain rose to the surface, and soon he looked like a man who lost everything he ever cared about.
I really hated this.
He finally spoke. “She—” His voice cracked and came out weak. He cleared his throat and spoke again. “She said that?”
I nodded.
He swallowed the lump in his throat. I actually heard his saliva go down. “What else did she say?” His eyes were glued to mine but they were shinier than they were a few moments ago.
“That she wants to move on…because she’ll never trust you again.”
He took another deep breath, and the sound was full of agony. “Who is this guy?”
“I don’t know. She met him online.”
He cringed like that information was even worse. “She’d rather be with some random stranger instead of me?”
I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t know what to say.
Arsen rested his elbows on the table then covered his face with his palms. He didn’t break down in the middle of the deli, but he needed a moment to himself. His hands shook slightly like he couldn’t get them to remain stationary.
I looked out the window to give him some privacy.
He lowered his hands and looked at me. Now his eyes looked dead, like nothing was inside his soul. His hair was messy from gripping it. He looked like a wreck. “Ryan, you need to intervene.”
I was afraid this might happen.
“You need to say something to her. She listens to you.”
“I’m sorry.”
He leaned over the table and lowered his voice. “You know I love her. You know I’ll do right by her. I hit a bump in the road and lost it for a moment, but she would do the same thing if she lost Janice.”
That wasn’t true. “She would lose her way, yes. But she wouldn’t push you away.”
Arsen didn’t even blink. “Ryan, please. You know how I feel about her. I can make her happy. I can fix this.”
It broke my heart to say no. “I can’t help you, Arsen.”
“Can’t or won’t?” he snapped. The anger and resentment started to burn in his eyes. “Ryan, I need you. I’m practically begging you right now. Please help me. Am I your son or not?”
