We all tended to eat, drink, and mingle, and I always loved coming to these things. But not this time. I was bad company. It had been a week since I’d walked out of Evie’s place, and I felt like I was in some dimension of hell where my punishment was watching my heart fall out of my body and shatter at my feet over and over. If it weren’t for my work schedule, I would have numbed the pain by getting shitfaced, but I couldn’t afford to even be buzzed when I was potentially dealing with people’s lives.

  And then Kat invited me and Evie to this shindig.

  “Do we finally get to meet your lady love?” she asked. Any other time, I would have laughed at her silly choice of wording, but instead, I barely kept my voice steady when I answered her.

  “We’re, uh … we’re not together anymore,” I told her.

  “Oh Eddie,” she cried. “I’m so sorry. What happened?”

  “Sorry Kat, I don’t mean to be rude, but I just don’t want to talk about it right now.”

  “I understand. But I’m here for you when you need to get it off your chest.”

  I told her thanks, and we hung up, and three days later, I found myself spilling exactly what happened to almost everyone who was at the barbecue.

  At least I had the presence of mind to tell them that I wasn’t looking for any advice or opinions and then walked away before anyone could say anything. Then I found myself sulking in a chair by myself, watching as the younger generation showed each other things on their phones, oblivious to my pain. The older generation was divided. Half of them went about their lives, enjoying the little get-together, while the other half was clearly either worried about me or dying to give me their two cents. They kept shooting me looks of pity over their shoulders.

  Mason, however, was the first to break my imposed silence.

  “I said I don’t want to hear it,” I told him.

  “Yeah, well, I don’t give a shit,” he replied. “Eddie, you’re my friend, but you’re also more than that. You’re like a son to me. I hope you know that by now if you didn’t already. I’d like to think you feel that way about me too, maybe even see me as some sort of father figure.” I did, so I nodded. He looked momentarily relieved as if he’d actually been afraid that wasn’t the case. He was the first stable male role model I’d had in my life, and he’d been there for me when my own mother hadn’t. Of course, he was like a dad to me. “Good,” he said with a nod. “So as your sort of dad,” he said with a bit of a smile, and I couldn’t help but smile back even with the glumness overtaking the rest of my body, “I can’t, in good conscience, let you do this to yourself.”

  “I’m not doing it to myself. I’m doing it for myself.”

  “Bullshit,” he spat at me. “Look, if you don’t want to take my advice, I can’t force you to, but you’re at least going to listen to me.” When I didn’t say anything in response, he continued. “You’re worried about losing Evie in the long run, so you are losing her now instead?” It was a fact, but he posed it as a question. “Do you hear how fucking absurd that sounds? It’s a risk, Eddie, not a fact of life. Instead of cherishing every moment you can have with her, you’re throwing away every moment period. I couldn’t ever imagine not having Kat in my life for even a second. If, God forbid, she left this earth tomorrow, I’d be fucking done, so I get where you’re coming from. But I would hate it even more if I didn’t get to enjoy whatever time we did have together. Love, in itself, is a risk. And you took that risk. Can you honestly tell me you’d turn back time and give up the time you’ve had with Evie? You want to return the past few months?”

  “Never,” I answered without hesitation. I’d given Evie my heart willingly, and I didn’t want it back. I just didn’t want to be left without her. I wanted to protect my heart from impending doom.

  “Do you honestly, for one second, think that the heartache you’re feeling now is going to be any less just because you’re together longer? If you love, Eddie, you love. That shit about loving more with every day? Bullshit. I loved Kat with everything in me before, and I love her with everything in me now. There wasn’t a possibility to love her more because my love was already at full capacity. You think you’re going to love Evie more later? And that if she leaves, it’ll hurt more then? Sorry, Eddie. Doesn’t work that way. Heartbreak is heartbreak is heartbreak if you’re already in love.”

  “This way, at least I leave knowing she’s alive. If something happens to her, then I won’t know.”

  “Really?” he said as he arched an eyebrow. “You think you can live without keeping tabs on her? You think you can love her and not know what’s going on her life? If something does happen to her, you’ll be the first to know, and you’ll feel like the world’s biggest fucking idiot for wasting so much time when you could have had so many beautiful moments together.”

  I didn’t want to admit that I’d driven by her house at least a dozen times, checked her social media almost every hour, and even checked her GPS a couple of times. But I thought that was because it was still fresh, still right there in the forefront of my mind. I was counting on time to lessen my need to know she was all right.

  Mason must have read my mind. “Your stalking tendencies will decrease with time, but you’ll still check on her, Eddie. You’re not saving yourself from a worse pain later; you’re just causing the same pain to come sooner.”

  “I can’t lose her,” I whispered.

  “So don’t.” As if it were that simple. Any day, her job might take her away from me. “And any day, you might get hit by a car crossing the street,” he said. I must have said those two sentences out loud without realizing it.

  “Don’t waste time without the woman you love, Eddie. Take it from me. I wasted so much time pushing Kat away, so many valuable moments I could have spent loving her instead of fighting her. You think I don’t regret them? I do. Don’t regret your moments.”

  He was right. I was an idiot. I suddenly shot up out of the chair.

  “I have to go,” I announced, but it was a courtesy because my feet were already moving me away from the party and to the car.

  I heard Mason say, “That’s my boy,” and I chuckled. I vaguely heard the rest of the folks yelling things that ranged from “Good” to “Go get her.”

  I was pretty sure that was Kat.

  I planned on it. I just hoped she’d let me.

  Evie

  “What the fuck?” Nelson asked beside me and then stopped in place as we made our way toward our squad car.

  It had been the shittiest week and a half.

  I’d cried for about a day after Eddie had walked out. Luckily, I didn’t have to work the next day. Although arresting some assholes might have made me feel better. I didn’t answer any texts or calls from Yasmine or Sadie, whose texts got increasingly worried since I was pretty good about responding when I wasn’t on duty.

  Next thing I knew, I was being roused from sleep—I’d cried myself to sleep every time I woke up—by them storming into my apartment.

  “That fucking asshole,” Yasmine announced the minute she saw me without even knowing what had happened.

  “How do you know it was his doing?” Sadie asked.

  “Look at her,” she said. I didn’t answer.

  “That fucking asshole!” Sadie yelled. That actually got a smile out of me.

  “You realize you’ll have to tamper with evidence to keep me out of jail after I murder him, right?” Yasmine told me.

  I smiled simply because I loved my friends, and they clearly loved me. Then they forced me into the shower, made sure I put on clean clothes, and then fed me something Yasmine threw together from whatever I had in my fridge.

  “What happened?” Sadie asked after I finally felt a little more human.

  I told them everything.

  “Why are men so dumb?” Yasmine asked after I had finished.

  “He’ll come around, Evie. He’s just scared of losing you,” Sadie said.

  “Again, I ask, why are men so dumb? He just lost you. How is it any better to hurt now rather than later?” Yasmine asked.

  “That’s the same question I had,” I told her.

  “Sadie’s right,” Yasmine replied. We both just stared at her in shock, our mouths agape as though we had just learned aliens existed. “What?” she asked innocently. “In this case, she’s right. The dumb fucker loves you. And love makes us do some batshit crazy things. Exhibit A,” she added as she pointed her whole hand at me, moving it up and down as if I were a car on display. “But the point is that he loves you, and when he realizes just how much he’s hurting both of you, he’ll get his head out of his ass. You just have to figure out if you want him back after he does.”

  “He walked out without looking back. He hasn’t tried calling or texting me,” I pointed out.

  “It’s been a day, Evie. Even I know it’ll take at least a week. And this is me we’re talking about. So I expect you to be even more optimistic and give him at least two.”

  “I … I don’t think he’s going to change his mind. You didn’t see how broken he was. And I can’t give up my job.”

  “He will, but let’s not worry about that right now. Now’s the time to cheer your sorry ass up.” And then she produced three bottles of wine out of nowhere. “One for each. You’re calling in sick tomorrow, by the way.”

  “No,” I told her.

  “Yes, or I’ll do it.”

  I didn’t bother arguing after that. I called in sick, which coincidentally I needed after drinking an entire bottle of wine. At least both my friends did too.

  We spent the next day pampering ourselves after we’d gotten rid of our hangovers. And I actually felt renewed. Not whole, but not shattered.

  I went back to work the next day, which was a nice reprieve from thinking about Eddie. But as each day went by, my hope dwindled, and I crept toward shattered a little more.

  “I told you one week for me, two weeks for you,” Yasmine had reminded me the day before. I believed her lie. I believed it because not believing meant I no longer had a heart since Eddie had claimed it. He took it with him when he left, and he hadn’t given it back. I was waiting for him to come back so I could feel it beating once more. The sad part was, deep down, I knew I’d have to learn to live without it. I just didn’t want to … not yet.

  “What?” I asked Nelson before looking up to see what had gotten that reaction out of him and gasped.

  Standing a few feet away in a more open area of the parking lot were a dozen little kids dressed as superheroes, all holding signs that spelled out, “Cops are superheroes.” And at the end was Eddie, dressed up in the cheesiest cop outfit I’d ever seen, with a sign that said, “Will you be my superhero?”

  “Is this the asshole that broke your heart?” Nelson asked beside me. I hadn’t told him anything, but he clearly didn’t need to be told to know what had happened between us.

  “Yes,” I answered.

  “Looks like he’s done breaking it,” he said matter-of-factly.

  “Guess so,” I answered, trying but failing to hold the tears back as they trickled slowly down my cheeks.

  I guess that was his cue to walk away from the kids and toward me, leaving the kids behind, out of earshot.

  “The kids are patients of mine,” he explained. “All volunteers, with the permission of their parents, of course,” he added as if I would accuse him of kidnapping even though I’d yet to say a word. “All the parents were on board once I told them what I’d planned. And me on site, a cop I treated said he owed me one. This was the favor I called in.”

  “While I appreciate you explaining the details,” I told him, “what I really want to know is what the heck, Eddie?”

  “I’m an idiot, no worse, a dumbass and an asshole. I thought I would spare my heart worse heartbreak down the road, but I can’t imagine my heart hurting worse than it did this week. And I’m preparing for the worst by thinking that way rather than enjoying every single moment with you by my side. Instead of embracing one of the reasons I fell in love with you—you being a strong, hot cop,” he said with a little sly smile, “I used it as a reason to push you away. I’m so sorry, Evie. I’m so very sorry. I can’t promise I won’t be dumb anymore because let’s face it, it’s me, but I can promise never to push you away. Please, Evie, forgive me and give me another chance. What do say? Will you be my superhero?” he asked with a cheesy smile right before he held up the giant sign right in front of me, blocking his face.

  Eddie had hurt me in a way I’d never been hurt before, but I knew that was because I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone, more than I could ever love anyone. And I knew he did it out of love. Was I happy about it? No. But I understood what he’d done. And the truth was that I forgave him the minute he walked out the door. I just couldn’t make him come back, couldn’t make him stay if he didn’t want to. But I wanted him to.

  “Put the damn sign down so she can kiss you, you idiot,” Nelson yelled to us from just a couple of feet away.

  I laughed just as Eddie put the sign down. “Is he right? You going to kiss me?”

  “Yeah, Eddie,” I said with a smile. “I’m going to kiss you, but don’t you ever do that to us again.”

  “Oh, thank fuck,” he cried out. “I promise. Never again. You’re stuck with me, Evie.” And then he pulled me into a kiss before I had the chance to kiss him first. We broke away quickly when we heard the kids behind us making fun of us.

  “I guess I should let you get to work,” he said with a hint of disappointment, but still smiling. “See you tonight?” he asked.

  “Yeah,” I said, then gave him a quick peck. I watched him walk toward the kids before calling his name.

  “Yeah?” he asked.

  “That outfit,” I said as I pointed at the lame cop costume he was sporting. “It’s got to go.”

  “Up in flames,” Nelson added as he materialized beside me like a stealthy ninja.

  Eddie chuckled. “I love you, Evie,” he yelled so loudly that some of the people walking out of the building looked our way. It was Eddie’s declaration, his way of saying he was proud of who I was, and that he loved me not despite it, but for it.

  If it were possible, I’d love him just a little more right then. But as fate would have it, I already loved him with everything in me. “I love you too,” I told him but much quieter. After all, I was at work. “See you later,” I added.

  “No, Evie, see you always.”

  Three Months Later …

  Eddie

  “Um, Evie,” I called out to her nervously from our room—yes, our room, officially as of the night before. After our almost two weeks apart, we’d spent the better part of a week getting reacquainted all while I apologized over and over for what an idiot I was and promised I’d never do something like that again.

  “Eddie, shut up already, or I’m going to arrest you for harassing a police officer. You’re sorry, I get it. You won’t do it again, and I believe you. I’m here, aren’t I?” she’d finally responded, her voice full of annoyance after roughly the hundredth time I’d apologized.

  “Will you stay?” I’d asked her.

  “Of course, Eddie.”

  “No,” I said as I shook my head. “I mean here, with me.”

  “You’re not making any sense,” she told me.

  “Move in with me,” I blurted out, finally finding the words I wanted to say.

  “Eddie, it’s … it’s too soon,” she responded hesitantly.

  “Who says?” I asked. “I love you; you love me. Do you plan on going anywhere? I don’t. Been there, done that. It fucking sucks without you. Being with you is the best part of my day. Please move in with me.”

  “I have to think about it.”

  “Okay,” I said and nodded. I understood that.

  Evie argued that we hadn’t been dating long enough to throw in the stress of sharing space and finances just yet. I didn’t agree. It took me a month to convince her to move in.

  “Eddie, I swear to God I’m going to arrest you one of these days,” she said after I’d hounded her once again to move in.

  “No, you’re not. You’re going to move in with me.”

  “Yes, Eddie, I will.”

  “Yes you ... wait, what?” I was so prepared to argue with her that her words only registered halfway through my counter-argument.

  “I’ll move in. But I want to get all my things in order at my place first. I don’t want to worry about my place and yours at the same time.”

  “You don’t have to worry about a thing. I’ve got everything covered here,” I told her. I got a glare in return. I should have known my independent, strong woman would want to be equal in everything.

  She decided she was going to keep her home and rent it out, but it took her about a week to weigh the pros and cons of selling versus renting. She wanted to get her finances in order, then go through her stuff, which I did help with, but damn, did she have a lot of stuff. After that, she wanted to make sure all her mail and whatnot went to the right place. “I’m not letting a random person renting my home get their hands on my personal mail.” After that, she picked out a management company she trusted. Only then did she agree to move in with me. Of course, we had to pick a day we had off and could make it work.

  That day had finally come yesterday. And now, I was meeting her family. They knew all about me, and we had tried to have the official “meet the parents” thing on several occasions, but something always came up. Now, though, their little girl had moved in with a guy, and we’d invited them over to see the place—and, of course, to meet me and vice versa, so there was no way they weren’t coming.

  “Yeah, Eddie?” Evie called out from the kitchen as I stared down at a picture of Evie and her dad when she was just a little girl.

  I’d seen a few pictures of Evie as a cute little girl with pigtails. And I’d seen a couple of pictures of her dad from the recent past. He looked familiar, but I hadn’t given it much thought.

 

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