I didn’t think Eddie was cheating, I really didn’t, but I also didn’t think I was nuts. I just couldn’t figure it out.

  Which was why I’d confided in my girlfriends. But they spent the better part of an hour going back and forth between themselves, arguing about why I should give him the benefit of doubt versus why I should dump his “cheating ass.”

  I ended up drinking way too much wine as I listened to them argue.

  And the next thing I knew, the night was over, but I was in no state to drive. Neither were Yasmine or Sadie, so we ended up getting Ubers and making our way to our respective places, except somehow, I ended up at Eddie’s.

  “Not that I mind,” Eddie said as he opened the door, his hair a little disheveled, probably because it was obvious I’d just gotten him out of bed, with his beautiful bare chest on display and his pajama pants hanging low on his hips. “But weren’t you supposed to be out with your friends tonight?”

  “I was, and now I’m here,” I told him, not even bothering to stare at his face and just admiring his body. I heard him chuckle before he ushered me in.

  “And I’m glad you are,” he said as he leaned in for a kiss. I let him capture my lips, enjoying the lingering taste of his toothpaste on his lips mixing with the wine I’d drunk that evening.

  He moaned as he grabbed me and pulled me close. We didn’t kiss; we inhaled each other. See this … even our kisses, there was just something different about them, maybe even a little “extra.” It wasn’t bad, and I wasn’t complaining. I was just … stumped.

  “Eddie, what the hell is going on?” I asked, pulling away and ruining the moment.

  “Um, we were enjoying each other’s company, I believe,” he said as he stared at me in confusion. “And then we were going to move this to the bedroom and enjoy it some more.” I gave him a dirty look. “Or not,” he muttered.

  “I mean, what the hell is going on with you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’ve been different,” I told him. “Yasmine thinks I’m crazy, and Sadie thinks you’re cheating one me. I don’t know what the hell to think.”

  “What the fuck?” he asked, clearly annoyed and a little pissed. “You think I’m cheating?” he asked, his voice growing louder.

  “I don’t. Sadie does,” I whined a bit. I wasn’t a whiner, which made me realize that the wine I’d drunk all night was wreaking havoc with my emotions and even my words. I wasn’t saying what I wanted to say and saying what I didn’t.

  “Why the fuck were you talking about me cheating with Sadie and Yasmine? And when the hell did I ever give you any reason to think I was cheating?”

  “I wasn’t!” I yelled, defensively. “I was telling them how things are different, and I couldn’t figure out why. And then they gave me their opinions. That’s all.”

  “That’s all?” he asked. “That’s all?” he repeated, his voice rising. “If you had a problem with me, with us, why didn’t you come to me? Why didn’t you discuss it with me? Instead, you went to your friends, not even bothering to tell me something was wrong, and you spent the evening discussing what’s wrong, thinking I’m cheating, instead of coming to me. I’m … I ...”

  He stormed out of the room to his bedroom. Normally, I’d be mad at his outburst and that he didn’t let me explain, but I felt a little guilty because his words rang true. Still, I didn’t like how he just walked away from me, and that, of course, trumped my guilt. So I stormed into his room right after him.

  “Don’t you walk away from me,” I told him. “If you’re mad, the last thing you do is walk away. Do you know how many times I’ve seen or heard someone walking away with angry words never to come back again? Never ever walk away.”

  “I didn’t fucking walk into the street,” he told me angrily. “And it was a hell of a lot better than going behind your back like you did.”

  “I didn’t go behind your back.”

  “Oh? And what do you call me not even knowing there was a problem, but your friends did?”

  “There isn’t a problem!” I yelled.

  “Then what the hell, Evie?” he asked, his anger disappearing and sadness creeping in. I stared at him and realized he wasn’t angry with me. He was hurt. He was hurt that I thought there was an issue with us, and even more hurt that I hadn’t approached him but had instead asked for advice from someone else. The thing is, there wasn’t an issue. It was just my dumb feelings, and I didn’t want to sound like a crazy person to him, so I needed someone to vent to. Yasmine and Sadie were my solution.

  “I’m sorry,” I started off. “I just felt like something was different between us in the past few weeks. I never said it was bad, just different. And I couldn’t put my finger on it, so I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want you to think I was crazy. But we were drinking today, and I guess the wine made my lips loose, so I told them. That’s all. I swear it was nothing, Eddie. I just … I just don’t know what’s different between us, but I know it’s there, and it’s driving me nuts that I can’t figure it out,” I admitted.

  “I love you,” he blurted out, and the shock on his face made it obvious he hadn’t necessarily intended on telling me.

  “You what?” I asked.

  “God, Evie, I fucking loving you. That’s what’s different. I’ve wanted to tell you from the minute I realized it, but I didn’t know how. So I’ve been hoping the right moment would present itself, and I’d know. I guess this is it,” he said with a shrug. “Not exactly the most romantic way, but …” He trailed off, and I launched myself into his arms.

  He almost fell backward before he righted himself, wrapping his arms around me to hold me up.

  “Say it again,” I asked against his lips.

  “I love you, Evie. I love you so fucking much. And I wanted to tell you the minute I realized it three weeks ago, but I got nervous, then I got scared, and then I just couldn’t figure out how to tell you. So whatever you’ve been feeling that’s different about me, well, that’s it. And I just wanted you to know. You don’t have to—”

  “I love you,” I told him, cutting him off, knowing where he was going with this. Truth be told, I hadn’t thought about it before. But the minute his words were out there, I knew with one-hundred percent certainty that I felt the same way. I loved Eddie. And I was sure I had for a while, but I just didn’t know it.

  “You love me?” he asked with such awe that it was actually cute to stare at his face.

  “I love you, Eddie. I really do.”

  “Thank fucking Christ,” he said before he devoured my lips, and then he devoured me.

  Eddie

  Working in a hospital provided me with a different experience every single minute of every single day. When I was doing my inpatient rounds, I was much calmer than when I was in the ER. And a hectic day in the ER came with more anxiety than a slow day. Even when it was chaos, I enjoyed what I did because, like many other doctors, I felt like I was making a difference. I especially loved when little kids looked at me as though I was a superhero. Absolutely skyrocketed my ego. If I saw Evie on those days, she’d tell me my big head was bigger than normal. To which I’d reply something like, “Oh, I’ll show you my big head.”

  She always rolled her eyes or laughed at my lines and would call them cheesy. But I knew she secretly loved it. Just like she loved me. Damn, it had been one blissful fucking month since I’d found out that little tidbit, and it still floored me.

  She was smart, funny, beautiful, kind, and strong, and she loved me. Me. I wasn’t too proud to admit that I was one lucky son of a bitch.

  You could say we were in the honeymoon stage of dating but on fast-forward since we practically saw each other every day. We’d had a few stupid little arguments but nothing serious. Like how it pissed her off when I took off my clothes and threw them on the floor in her room. Or when she didn’t clean the hair from the brush after it decided to steal about half her hair. She laughed when I told her that. Funny part was I wasn’t joking. I didn’t know how she had so much hair left on her head when that damn brush was full of it.

  I liked to call these fights the moments we needed to ground us so that we knew our relationship wasn’t too good to be true. We were just a normal couple who worked shit out.

  There were, however, shitty days at the hospital too. Days when I had to give someone hard news or bad news. Days when things didn’t go as well as I’d planned. And then there were the days when I lost someone. Those weren’t just shitty days; those were downright painful days.

  I swear Evie had a sixth sense because on those days, she somehow felt it even if I didn’t see her. She’d call me just to tell me she missed me, or she’d send me a text telling me she loved me, or she’d give me a big hug like I was a little kid when I’d see her after my shift. Her comfort went a long way.

  Today was a bad day on steroids, painful turned up times ten.

  We had a cop come into the ER. It was eerie in the sense that it was a traffic stop gone bad. The minute I heard that, and the minute I saw the cop on the stretcher, my mind flashed back to when Evie came in like that.

  In all honesty, sadly, most cop ER visits were a result of a traffic stop going south. It shouldn’t surprise me that was what brought the officer in. But my mind didn’t get that memo. And all I saw before my eyes was Evie lying on that stretcher, and it brought back the fear I’d felt when it was her. The difference this time around was that I loved her. Thinking back on that time made the pain I’d felt more amplified.

  I had to mentally shake away the thoughts to focus on my job and help the officer currently under my care. Just like with Evie, though, I knew the minute I looked at him that this was going to be bad.

  I listening to the stats and facts as I got ready. And once I was there, I was there. I didn’t let my personal emotions interfere. My assisting doc and I did everything we could. We did everything right … but it wasn’t enough.

  We lost him.

  I learned shortly after that the young cop we lost had a wife and a new baby. We’re trained not to get attached, but we’re not heartless. It hurt us, and it pained us. But this time? It killed me. I had to walk away, go find an empty room, close the door, and fucking cry as though I’d just lost someone close to me. Why? Because it hit too close to home.

  Because I pictured Evie on that table.

  Because I pictured watching her life slip between my fingers, and I couldn’t do anything about it.

  Because I pictured our life together, and I was the spouse left behind.

  Because I pictured our new baby left without a mom.

  It was unreasonable, and it was unfair, but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help the feelings that took over me. I couldn’t help the pain that poured out of me. And I couldn’t help the despair I felt when I imagined what could happen.

  Love fucking hurt.

  I couldn’t do it …

  I couldn’t live this kind of life …

  I couldn’t willingly put myself through this kind of pain …

  But I’d never ask her to choose.

  The ironic part was what made me fall in love with her—her strength—was the thing that was currently breaking my heart.

  I just didn’t know what to do to make the pain stop.

  But I knew I needed to see Evie. So I wrapped up my night and made my way to her place. And I knew the minute I saw her my heart would know what to do.

  Evie

  I knew the minute Eddie came over that something was wrong. He was an open book, so it wasn’t hard to tell when something was bothering him. And I’d learned quickly when he’d had a bad day and needed some extra comfort. I could literally feel his appreciation for the little solace I provided him just by being by his side on those days.

  This day, however, was something even I couldn’t anticipate.

  This time, it wasn’t just a matter of him walking in with a dark cloud surrounding him, waiting for me to blow it away. It was like he brought a sandstorm. The pain he was feeling was equivalent to tiny grains of sand filling up every inch of available space, replacing the very air we breathed with the force of his emotions.

  I couldn’t just blow the cloud away. Not this time.

  In fact, I even felt the suffocation of his pain.

  “What happened?” I asked as he immediately wrapped his arms around me, holding on tighter than he’d ever had.

  After grabbing me the minute I opened the door, he hadn’t even said a word yet. And he held on for a few minutes before I even spoke.

  “I couldn’t save him,” he whispered into my hair.

  “You tried,” I told him. There was no point in telling him I was sorry. He knew I felt bad for him. I also knew Eddie did everything he could. I didn’t even know who or what, no details, but I knew Eddie and what he was capable of. I also knew that whoever it was, he must have been special to Eddie because he’d been distraught over the loss of a patient before—sadly, on more than one occasion. This, however, wasn’t “distraught.” This was broken.

  He pulled away but didn’t let go, just moving away enough so that he could stare into my eyes, and I had to force myself not to gasp at the raw emotion I saw in his eyes. It was so powerful that it threatened to cripple me the same way it was clearly crippling him. “He was a cop, Evie,” he told me quietly and sadly. I flinched. I couldn’t help it. We were a close community even if we didn’t know each other. The moment he said cop, I felt like I’d lost one of my own people. “Young, with a wife and new baby. And it all started with a stupid traffic stop.”

  “That’s … that’s …” I trailed off, my emotions beginning to overtake me. That’s horrible. But I couldn’t get the words out.

  “I pictured you,” Eddie said, his voice just above a whisper—enough for me to hear, his tone full of shame, regret, and pain. “I remembered the day they wheeled you in like that. It was one of the scariest days of my life, thinking I might lose you then. And I didn’t yet love you, Evie. Today, when I saw the officer in uniform, I pictured you,” he repeated to me, his voice raw. “I pictured losing you. Pictured you leaving me behind, leaving our kids behind. I cried, Evie,” he admitted. “I fucking cried, and I haven’t cried since Kat died.”

  “Eddie,” I said his name quietly, my own pain mirroring his. It vaguely dawned on me that he’d just envisioned a future with me, but that wasn’t the point right then. “That wasn’t me. I’m right here.”

  “I know, Evie. But it could have been.” That sad part was that he was right. That was a risk of the job, but we were trained, and it was rare.

  “It won’t be,” I told him.

  “You can’t say that. You can’t guarantee that. I love you, Evie. Do you understand that? I love you so fucking much that when I pictured losing you, I couldn’t handle it. And that’s who you are. That’s your job. That guy, that poor cop … that could have been you. I can’t do this,” he said suddenly and with more force and pain than he’d said any other words. Then he pulled away from me completely. He’d been my anchor in the ocean, holding me afloat, and now without him, I was drowning.

  “What are you saying?” I asked, but I knew what he was saying, which was why I felt the water rising slowly over my head and pulling me under.

  “I can’t risk losing you,” he said sadly.

  “And what is this?” I asked, suddenly angry, my voice much higher than it was before, my words spat out with an edge. “What the hell is this, huh? This isn’t losing me?”

  “It’s different,” he told me calmly.

  “How the hell is this different?”

  “It just is.”

  “No, Eddie, it’s not. It’s just you making the choice of when and where. You’re a coward,” I spat out. “You don’t even want to stick around to see where our life can take us. We could live together until we’re eighty, we could break up in a year, and yes, one of us could die tomorrow, but it could just as easily be you. You don’t see me walking away from you.”

  “My line of work doesn’t involve that kind of risk,” he told me, his own voice rising.

  “So you’re making me choose?” I asked, shocked.

  “Never,” he said with so much vehemence that I believed him. “I admire you for it. Which is why I’d never make you choose.”

  “It sure as hell sounds like that’s what you’re doing.”

  “No, Evie,” he said solemnly. “I’m walking away before your job takes you from me. I’m not making you choose. I’m saving myself from heartbreak.”

  “Oh, yeah?” I asked with a sarcastic bite. “How’s that working out for you now?”

  “It’s not,” he said as he shook his head. “It’s fucking killing me but imagine how much worse it will be later.”

  “You’re anticipating my death!” I screamed at him.

  “No, Evie, I’m protecting my heart from the worst.”

  “Then you’re just like the rest of them.”

  “You deserve better,” he said instead of rebutting my statement.

  “Go,” I told him, but he was frozen in place. “Go!” I yelled. “Get the hell out of here. Go now!”

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered as he backed up, staring at me as if committing my face to memory. He kept walking backward until he reached the door. “I love you, Evie,” he told me when he’d backed into the door before turning to open it and walk out.

  It wasn’t until he closed the door behind him that I answered, “Not enough, Eddie. Not enough.” And then I completely drowned.

  Eddie

  “You’re an idiot,” Mason said as I sat on one of the chairs by the pool in his backyard. He and Kat were hosting a barbecue. They did this often so that everyone could get together. And everyone was there, including the usual suspects, my mom, John and Chain, and even Mason’s friend Adam and his family.

 

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