Bojan, page 9
“It’s something that I’ve done since I was child. I treated the energy almost like a game, as a part of me. And maybe because of that, it ended up being such a part of me and a part of my world. I don’t really know, but I’ve been hoping to talk to Terkel about it one day and to see if there’s any way to develop it further than what I currently have. I went to med school to try and help people, so that leaves me without too many options for the time being.”
“He’ll take you on in an instant. You know that,” Bullard stated. “Anybody with that kind of talent, Terkel wants and helps develop it further.”
“Sometimes I wonder about bringing it up, but I don’t really know the man,” she admitted in an anguished tone. “We’ve touched base on the odd occasion, but it’s not as if I’m in his sphere or anything,” she said, for lack of a better word.
“Yeah, you are,” Bojan disagreed. “You always knock yourself down.”
She looked astonished at hearing him say that. “Yeah? It’s not so much that I knock myself down,” she replied in exasperation. “I just don’t build myself up.”
“And there is a difference, isn’t there?” Leia pointed out.
Just then, Pia walked in, pushing a cart laden with food.
Lacy looked at it and smiled. “So, do I get to stay and eat?”
Pia looked at her, as if noticing her the first time, and his mouth dropped in shock. “Why are you even out of bed?” he roared.
She groaned. “Oh, I’ll take that as a no then.”
“I suggest you eat,” Leia noted, “and then get back to bed for some rest, before they decide to argue further, which they will.”
“Well, that was the plan,” Lacy shared, with a sigh. “I just hadn’t really expected to be surrounded by all these mother hens around here.”
“You were shot today,” Bullard pointed out. “You might want to remember that in terms of everybody else’s expectations.”
“Oh.” She frowned, looking at them. “Was that today?” They all frowned at her and nodded. “Well, it’s a good thing that I wasn’t badly hurt and that I had the benefit of immediate care by such a highly skilled surgical team,” she said, with a bright cheerful smile. She maneuvered herself to the table, then dropped in the chair beside Bojan.
He looked at her, raised an eyebrow, and declared, “Don’t be looking to me for protection when they all come charging to get your ass back up to bed, because I’ll be helping them.”
She glared at him and added, “You know perfectly well how I’m doing.”
“I know somewhat how you’re doing,” Bojan replied, “but, in order to know more than that, I would have to look deeper, and I’m not doing that.”
“Too late,” she snapped. “You already opened the damn door.”
At that, he glared at her, then got up and walked around to the far end of the table and sat down, basically as far away from her as he could get. It was hard to handle the hurt his actions brought out, even though they both knew why he was doing it, but that still didn’t make it any easier.
Feeling her bottom lip start to tremble, she firmed herself up, then looked over at Pia and said, “I didn’t want to make you do the stairs, so I came down for a little bit of food, if that’s all right.” Her tone was very formal. “I promise I’ll go right back to bed.”
He just looked at her, dumbfounded, then over at Bojan, who remained silent. Pia didn’t say anything but started serving the food, giving her a platter first. She took that to mean she was supposed to eat and then to leave. She ate quietly, the conversation around her uncomfortable and muted, yet it flowed nonetheless.
By the time she had eaten, she felt a little better. However, at the same time, Bojan’s actions hurt her way more than any bullet. She finished eating, then stood and nodded to the rest of the table. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be going back up.” Carefully she headed toward the stairway. She made it to the second step before the first strangled sob broke free. Behind her, Bojan swore, and seconds later he picked her up and carried her up the stairs.
“Leave me alone,” she sobbed. “I know how much you hate me. Just leave me alone. I’ll be fine.”
“Shut up,” he said, his voice not unkind. “You know I can’t stand a woman’s tears.”
“Yeah, but what you really mean is you can’t stand me.”
He sighed. “Lacy, if that were true, I’d be gone. You know that. I don’t have to be or to do anything other than what I want.”
“No, of course not. You’re always just you, an arrogant, mean, and pompous ass,” she said, for lack of a better word. Tears streamed down her cheeks, even as he pushed open the door to her bedroom, carried her in, then gently laid her down on the bed.
“I’m not trying to be, you know.”
“You don’t have to try,” she muttered, feeling the pain kick in something awful. “You just do it naturally.”
“Well, sorry about that,” he said. “Some things take a little longer.”
“They don’t have to,” she argued. “You just enjoy keeping it alive.”
At that, he stopped and stared at her, his face twisting. “Is that what you think?”
She continued to glare at him. “I’m in my bed, so you can leave now.”
He hesitated, then nodded. “That’s probably for the best.”
“For the best, of course it is. What else could you possibly want with me? You’ve already humiliated me, yet, at the same time, I’m supposed to thank you for keeping me alive.”
“I don’t want you to thank me,” he said, then stepped back, frowning at her.
She tried hard to return the frown, but she wasn’t feeling well enough to manage it. She waved at the door. “Go back down and eat,” she ordered.
“Stop ordering me around,” he said, with a sigh.
“That’s hardly the worst thing in the world,” she muttered. “No, wait, apparently that’s me. I’m the worst thing in the world. So leave, go on, get out of here.”
“You’re telling me to leave?” he asked, with a note of astonishment.
“Yes, I know you don’t want to be here.”
He sighed. “I wanted an awful lot of things in my world that I didn’t get a chance to have,” he reminded her, “but you still don’t get to order me around.”
She sniffed, pointed at the door. “Hell if I care, now go.”
Shaking his head, he walked to the door, then turned back. “Now would you please stay up here, take care of yourself, and don’t get into trouble?”
“That’s all I do, right? Get into trouble. That’s me,” she muttered.
“Yeah, I know,” he said, “and honestly you’re killing me.”
At that, he stepped back to leave, and she couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. She rolled over and sobbed into her pillow. Then hearing a strangled exclamation, she suddenly felt herself gently picked up in his arms and tucked against his chest. He wrapped another blanket around her.
“Stop, please, stop,” he whispered, but she couldn’t.
Lacy was well past the point of no return. She cried and cried. When she finally ran out of tears, she fell into a deep slumber, not even realizing that she was still wrapped up in his arms, all the while she bawled her heart out.
When she woke again, she felt better, but raw, as if the inside of her had been ripped out. And she was still wrapped up in his arms. When she blinked up at him, he looked down at her, letting loose a hard sigh.
“What am I to do with you?” Then he lowered his head and kissed her.
It opened a well in her heart that she’d been trying so damn hard to keep shut, but now there was absolutely no way to resist, especially in the state she was in. She struggled with the blanket and finally got her arms free, then wrapped them around his neck and held on tight.
When he finally lifted his head, he rested his forehead against hers. “Jesus,” he muttered.
She didn’t say anything, her throat sore, her heart beating too hard, too fast, at something she’d wanted for far too long. She just waited, knowing that his next words would either crush her or set her free—could completely destroy her world.
He lifted his head, looked down at her, and sadness filled his eyes. “I’m sorry. I’ve been an absolute ass.”
She raised one eyebrow, scarcely able to breathe, scared what his next words would be.
*
This was the part that Bojan had held off from forever, and suddenly, not only was he here, he was on the other side of it. He crushed her up against his chest, immediately releasing her when he heard her gasp in pain. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.
She shook her head. “I’m fine. I am, really.” He glared down at her, and she smiled. “You know I am.”
He nodded slowly. “It took me a long time to forgive you. You know that, right?”
“I didn’t think you ever had.”
He nodded almost absentmindedly at that. “No, maybe not. It wasn’t exactly what I’d planned on doing, but I did.”
“Well, none of this is what I’d ever planned on either.”
“I guess I hadn’t been ready to acknowledge that,” he admitted. “For some reason, it was easier to blame you than to see that our actions back then changed the path of my life. It set me onto something I wasn’t planning but absolutely wanted to be on, then suddenly it wasn’t my path anymore,” he shared. “It was pretty devastating.”
“Yeah, I got that,” she said. “You made that very clear.”
He winced at that. “I wasn’t trying to be cruel.”
“No, but you didn’t even have to try,” she replied, some of her own anger and heartache rising. “It seemed to come to you quite naturally.”
“I think, when we’re hurting, we strike out, not necessarily realizing how much we’re hurting the other person. So, for the record, I don’t blame you.”
She stared up at him. “You don’t? Seriously?”
“No, I don’t,” he confirmed, “and I realize it’s taken me way too long to get there.”
She nodded. “Yeah, it sure has.”
He quirked his lips at her. “Not going to let me off the hook, are you?”
She shrugged. “All these years have been pretty rough.”
He sighed. “No, I get it, on both sides.”
She nodded. “And, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. If I’d had any idea—”
“No, and that’s the part I had to figure out, finally realizing that, as much as I wanted to make you the bad guy in this, you weren’t the bad guy, and you weren’t the one responsible. Plus I had always looked at you as a little sister, and our actions didn’t measure up to what a good sister or a good brother should be doing,” he added. “The guilt has really been something I’ve struggled with.”
She snorted at that. “That’s hardly the issue, but I can see that, for you, with all that bloody honor, … it choked you up.”
“Not exactly choking me up, when I couldn’t even be civil to you.” He gently hugged her close again. “But, with you taking that damn bullet,” he muttered, looking down at her side, “I didn’t even hesitate.”
“Good, I’m glad. It would have been a much different story if you hadn’t started the healing process ahead of time.”
“Maybe, but that’s not what I want to do in life.”
“Oh, I’m very aware of that,” she noted, giving him half a smile, “and I get it. I know it sounds like I don’t really understand—and I never meant to make life as difficult for you as it probably appears that I did—but honestly it was necessary at the time.”
“Yeah, it was,” he agreed, “very necessary for the person in question.”
“For the child in question,” she pointed out.
He nodded. “That part is water under the bridge. However, the ramifications in my world were another story.” He had to leave it at that.
She nodded. “There’s not much I can say except to reiterate I didn’t do it on purpose and had no idea what the repercussion would be. Still, they’d been massive and you paid the ultimate price, not me.” She tried for a calm deep breath. “For the record,” she murmured, “I really am sorry.”
He sighed. “We won’t go there. Remember?”
“Well, I think it would help if we would clear the air. I know there are an awful lot of questions downstairs, and we will get hit with it one way or another. They have to ask questions.”
“Particularly of me, since I haven’t done very well by you.” When she looked at him in surprise, he shrugged. “Not too many men would appreciate anybody treating a woman the way I treated you.”
“You mean, by saving my life?” she asked.
“No, of course not,” he said, with a sigh. “You always make things so simple, and you know that it’s not that simple at all.”
“It always was for me,” she murmured. “At least I thought so.”
“Yeah, and that’s what got us into trouble,” he stated. “So, we will give them an explanation, but I really didn’t want to air our dirty laundry here.”
“If we could have maintained some degree of civility, we might have successfully done that, but I think we’re well past that.”
“Yeah, and, for that, I owe them an explanation, and I owe you an apology. It was never my intention to humiliate you.”
She looked up at him and smiled. “Believe me. I know that.”
He groaned. “Doesn’t matter. I still feel that I’m very much in the wrong, and that’s not a position I particularly care to be in.”
She chuckled. “I don’t think anybody does, and I’m sorry that you feel you need to do something about it, that you feel the need to explain. I think they would all understand.”
“I don’t,” he replied. “You found people here who care about you.”
“Yeah? What a surprise,” she quipped, with a weak smile. “It took me a long time to find acceptance within myself. I felt terribly guilty for the longest time.”
“And, for that, I can apologize. Then you can apologize, and we can still end up not getting anywhere,” he said, “or we can just move on and acknowledge that it happened, knowing that we will have to provide some sort of an explanation for everybody downstairs to calm down the atmosphere here. Then hopefully we can get past it.”
“So, how do you want to do it?”
He frowned. “It’s probably best to just take it on the chin. I’ll go down and explain what happened and tell them that things will be easier between us now.”
“Well, you’re not doing it alone.”
“Really, and why not?”
“Because it’s my fault.”
“No,” he declared. “The time for that kind of blame is well past.”
“But you can’t just take the blame for something that I started.”
He stared at her with a wry expression. “We will discuss that at another time because, at the moment, I don’t think who is to blame is really part of it, as much as just making peace with the people downstairs. Especially since we are guests in their house.”
“I know”—Lacy winced—“not to mention how badly I’ve already blown things with Leia.”
“Do you really see her being in trouble?” he asked.
“I don’t know what I see,” she admitted, sounding vexed. “Just so much is going on, and I don’t know how much of that is because you are here.”
“Maybe—with a little bit of work—the two of us can clear up our issues, and then we can help them get Leia through this.”
“It would be nice if we could,” Lacy agreed, “because I’m not sure that Leia will have more children.”
“Yet I’m pretty sure that’s already in the plans,” he mumbled, staring off in the distance.
“Well, I thought that too, but I feel that this soul of the ghost twin is important. He or she needs to stay with them.”
“Great, so we will do everything we can to help her. You do know healing everybody isn’t how I want to spend my life, right?”
“I know,” she noted. “Which is one of the reasons I’m trying to spend my life saving people, when I can, … so that you’re off the hook, you know?”
“I don’t think it works that way.”
“I’m not sure we have a choice anyway.” She shifted so that she was out from under the blanket. “I suggest we go down and clear things up. Then maybe at least we can get some sleep tonight.”
“Maybe,” he murmured, “will you be okay to get up?” He looked at her with concern, as she walked to the bathroom.
“I’m feeling better. I’m just not great, you know?”
“I don’t really want to take away more pain,” he explained cautiously, looking at her for understanding.
“I get that,” she replied, “and I agree that it’s better if I don’t do too much. It’s just a hardship that will take some getting used to, and the fact that I know that I could be pain free doesn’t help. Yet I know this is the best thing for me.”
He nodded slowly, watching her move gingerly as she came back out of the bathroom.
“Come on, then,” Lacy said. “Let’s go face the music together.”
“It’s my music,” Bojan stated. “You should just stay here and relax.”
“Not happening,” she declared. “It will be more expedient if we show a united front.”
He sighed. “You’re awfully amiable, considering how things all blew up back then, plus all that’s happening now,” he pointed out.
“I was devastated at the time, and torn, but I didn’t know how to make it right, couldn’t figure out a way to get there.”
“That’s because there is no making it right,” he muttered. “I just hadn’t yet come to the point where I understood that it wasn’t you who was in the wrong.”
“I’m just glad we’re finally talking and getting somewhere now.”
“Come on then. Let’s go downstairs and talk to them.” And, with that, he walked to the door and watched her critically as she carefully walked over.
“I’m fine,” she murmured. “At least you’ve given me another shot of energy to get through this, so thanks for that.”
