“Once it’s over it’s over.” I knew what he was getting at. And yeah, I agreed. “But Timothy’s life meant something. You remember him. You’re telling me about him right now.”

  “As a cautionary tale.”

  “No, Cesar, as a good memory from a tough time.”

  “Yeah.” He leans his head back into the couch. “That might be another way of looking at it.”

  “So, what do you want to do with your life?” I ask. “Other than pour drinks down drunk women’s throats.”

  He opens his shining eyes and stares at me with a crooked grin.

  “You’re soooo jealous. I love it.”

  “I’m not jealous. I’m just pointing out the obvious.”

  He scoffs. “Sure, thing you’re not jealous.”

  “Answer the question.”

  “Right, what do I want to do. Well…I want to help people.”

  “Help them how?”

  “I’m not sure. Maybe counseling war veterans.”

  I study him for a moment. “I think you’d be good at that.”

  “You do? Why?”

  I lean over, planting my lips on his cheek. “Cause you get what they’ve been through, and you have an easy going personality, and more importantly you’re a caring guy underneath all this bravado.”

  “You think so?” He laughs. He uses his fingers, tickling me along my rib cage as I squeal.

  When he stops, his eyes held a hint of sadness but it quickly is replaced by lust. He lowers his head, capturing my lips with his. I open my mouth to him. He kisses so good. As he kisses me, I make a vow to never let him down. He’s seen enough hard shit in his life. I hoped to be his soft place to fall for as long as he’d have me.

  He tugs his fingers through my hair and I emit a soft moan. He pulls me closer to his strong body, and I know I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to. I didn’t want to stop.

  “Guess what, baby?”

  “What?” I respond almost breathlessly.

  “I’ve never been with anyone in this house. It’s a virgin.”

  That news kind of shocks me but also makes me happy. We can christen the house together. I will be it’s first.

  “Cesar, make me come.” I was so forward, so unabashedly unashamed.

  “I thought you’d never ask.”

  I wanted to ask him that and more. To be with me. To never stop. To move in with me permanently. But, I didn’t want to scare him off. Hell, he just told me that he was afraid to buy a new sofa. So why the hell would he want to make a commitment to me?

  I continue kissing Cesar as I straddle his lap on the couch. I can feel his erection growing as his hand slides up my shirt in no time. His mouth following right behind. He sucks down along my nipple the way that I like, and I yelp in delight. He pulls off my shirt off, and unsnaps my bra. Tossing them to the floor. His eyes dig into mine as I feel my body build with heat.

  I grind my hips against his hardness, and slide my hands down to unzip his zipper.

  “Fuck, Janelle,” he moans with pleasure.

  He tugs his shirt over his head, showcasing all of his delicious muscles and beautiful tats, and I try not to drool but it’s hard. Cesar is a beautiful man. After all the clothes are off, and the condom is set in place, Cesar takes his sweet time making me come over and over.

  All night long.

  On the boring grey couch.

  He’ll need to buy a new one.

  Chapter Seventeen

  I was getting somewhere with Cesar. I still didn’t know much about military life or PTSD and wasn’t sure how much I would be able to help him in the long run but I was trying. If he was having a bad day, I would give him his space. If he needed some extra “love” that day, I would give him that too.

  Even though he said I was the first person to make him feel anything in a long time, I still had a niggling sensation rooted deep within about my own stuff. Now that I’m helping Cesar with his issues, what on earth did I want for my life?

  If I’m being honest, he has been the first person to wake me up from this mood of self destruction I’ve been living with. The first person to make me question my motivation in life outside of my family. It’s like a sun had come into my orbit, shining a light on the complete mess inside of me. It’s not New York that is the problem, or even my family, it’s me.

  Now…how do I make it better?

  Since Cesar isn’t in bed with me, I travel into my living room to look for him. As I suspected, he is nowhere to be found and I figure he is with his shrink or going for a run.

  Hell, maybe I should see one?

  I pick up my phone and dial the closest thing I have to one–Lenny.

  “Hey,” I say into the phone when he picks up on the second ring.

  “Hi, buttercup. You okay?”

  I take a deep, cleansing breath. “What’s wrong with me?”

  He laughs. “What are you serious? Nothing’s wrong with you sugar. You’re gorgeous.”

  “No, seriously. Not how I look, but what’s inside. I have major issues don’t I? I mean, Lenny, you run an entire marketing department for a boutique fashion house. I work at a nightclub.”

  It was his turn to take a big, noisy breath as he spoke. “Everyone’s got issues. You’re still young and figuring things out. What’s making you feel this way?”

  “I don’t know. Remember the bartender?”

  “Yeah, the hot ass cowboy?”

  “Well…” I trailed off.

  “Get out. You’re still playing around with that one? Oh my God,” he squeals into my ear like a pig. “I bet the sex is amazeballs.”

  “I really like him, Lenny.” I am breathing rapidly from admitting my feelings out loud to someone. “I mean, I think I may be in love with him.”

  I can tell he’s excited too.

  “So, what? You’re like a couple now?” Lenny asks.

  “I don’t know. It started out with a bet and now we’re in this new kind of place with each other. I guess we’re a couple, but I don’t really know. I guess I’ve been too afraid to put a label on it.”

  “Well, bitch, labels are how people know what they are getting. Tell him how you feel and be clear about what you’re doing. That’s the first step in getting your head on straight and your life together. Not living in your truth has always been your problem. Talk to him.”

  Tell him how I feel? Doesn’t that usually make men run for the hills? But, he had a point. Maybe I shouldn’t be afraid and just face the situation head-on. And tell Cesar how I feel.

  That’s exactly what I’ll do. We’ve shared things. I mean really shared things. So why not?

  “Thanks, sweet cheeks,” I say, hanging up the phone.

  “I’ll send you my bill in the mail,” Lenny jokes.

  ***

  I wait and wait and I wait for Cesar to come home. To my home. But, it never happens. He’s been gone the entire day. It is getting late, and I am wondering where he was. If he’s okay.

  I try his cell, nothing.

  I piddle around my apartment, cleaning every square inch. I turn on some music, throwing my hair around as I fail miserably at twerking.

  Hours and hours go by, and finally around sometime in the middle of the night after two glasses of merlot, I pass out.

  Two days later, still nothing.

  He hasn’t been to work. The managers have no clue where he is and now I’m officially worried.

  After a week, I realize Cesar is gone. I’ve stalked his shrink’s office. I’ve stalked his brownstone. I called the hospitals and the morgues. I even searched the internet for contact information for his parents to no avail.

  And finally, after another week, I stroll into work and low and behold...there that motherfucker was.

  Chapter Eighteen

  He was wiping down the bar, with a big grin across his face, chatting it up with Marissa.

  What. The. Fuck.

  My face grows hot with anger. With a fit of boiling hot heat anger. I was furious.

  I march right up to him, past the empty tables and waitresses setting everything up.

  “Cesar,” I say.

  He spins around and gives me the most casually disrespectful greeting ever.

  “Janelle, hey.”

  He doesn’t even sound remorseful or anything.

  “Where the fuck have you been?” I probably sound crazy to everyone in the club, because no one really knows about our temporary living arrangement, but I didn’t care.

  Marissa looks at me with confusion and Cesar’s eyes bounce around the dimly lit bar as he chuckles. “Out.”

  Oh no he didn’t. The anger swarms like a fiery ball inside of me. I couldn’t contain it if I tried.

  “Out?!”

  “Yeah, you know...out.” He shrugs.

  Oh, I can be out. My bitchy side came out. Full blast.

  “Oh, okay. Well make sure at the end of the night that you come get all your shit and GET the fuck out.”

  I turn and practically stomp away from the bar. Marissa runs after me.

  “What just happened between you two?” She asks. It’s not her fault. I didn’t tell her about me and Cesar, but I’m like a crazy person right now.

  “He was living with me, fucking me, and then he disappeared. That’s what happened.”

  Her mouth as agape as I stomp away.

  I spend the entire night making Cesar jealous. It’s like my life’s mission now. I unbutton an extra button on my top, making sure you can see my cleavage. I hang on all the drunk old men, telling me my hair is the color of rain or some bullshit. I laugh all night long at all the lame jokes I hear. I dance around with a tray full of drinks, showing my tables how I can party and not drop a single glass.

  It’s pathetic.

  It’s sad.

  But he hurt me in the worst way and so I’m hoping to do the same to him.

  I try my hardest not to glance at Cesar but every so often, his eyes would meet mine. He looked lost.

  Good, I hope he was.

  I couldn’t wish for more perfect timing when I spot Grant of all people walking toward me. I haven’t talked to him in weeks. This will be perfect though. He’ll come in handy.

  “Hey, Janelle.”

  “Grant. You’re just in time. I’m on break.”

  He looks pleasantly surprised as I grab his arm, taking him to a secluded area in the back. Down the dusty hallways and into the break room.

  I swing around, throwing my arms around his neck. I plant my lips smack dab on his.

  This is fine.

  This is working.

  See, I’m halfway over Cesar already.

  Grant’s tongue tickled along mine, and I try not to bust out laughing. He can’t kiss, not like Cesar, but it will have to do. His hands travel south. His fingers dig into my skin.

  This is perfect I lie to myself.

  No thoughts of Cesar enter my brain. Instead, they were already there. And I tried to pretend this is working, but it isn’t.

  Before I could apologize to Grant and tell him I made a mistake, the door flew open and Grant’s body was being plucked away from mine.

  It was Cesar.

  His face was angry, his eyes on fire.

  “What the fuck is going on?” he shouts at me.

  Grant wipes his mouth and loosens from Cesar’s hold.

  “Are you fucking kidding me, Janelle. This guy again?”

  I shake my head. “Out. Both of you out.”

  I push on both their shoulders as they glared at each other. Cesar tries to speak, but I wasn’t letting either him or Grant get a word in.

  Thrusting them out into the busy club, I make my way to the restroom. I needed a minute.

  Who did Cesar think he was?

  I continue my shift in silence. Barely making eye contact with anyone, especially Cesar. Grant ended up leaving after one too many shots of bourbon. Which I was happy to see him go. Very. I was embarrassed by my actions and I’d owe him an apology later.

  Cesar didn’t mention a word about the break room incident, and I pretended not to notice. But inside I was dying. A little crack here, another there. More than anything I wanted to go back to a week ago. The week I thought we were falling in love. That we made love.

  Well, I thought it was love.

  How stupid of me.

  I travel home in a blur. Sure, Cesar tried to get my attention at the end of the night. He even tried to follow me, but I showed him my can of pepper spray and he backed off.

  I wasn’t in the mood for an official break up. Truth is, we were never an item. So, I shouldn’t be taking it as hard as I was but I am.

  I miss him.

  His laugh. His smile. The way he made come. I missed it all.

  I tear into my apartment, a madwoman, wanting nothing more than to cry myself to sleep.

  I shut my phone off, turn my music on as loud as it will go, and sink into the couch.

  Fuck men. Fuck everyone.

  I guess I shouldn’t be so upset, but I was. And I was happy about being sad. It was what I deserved. Don’t hear that everyday, do ya? But, yeah, I was happy wallowing away in my self-pity. Feeling sorry for myself. This was good. This was fine.

  A knock at my door pulls me out of my dark thoughts. I imagine it is Grant or maybe Cesar, but whoever it was– I wanted that person to go away.

  “Go away, Grant” I shout over the loud music. I take a guess and assume it’s him.

  Another knock.

  “It’s not fucking Grant and I’m not going anywhere,” Cesar shouts through the door.

  My heart flips, and I scold the little traitorous bitch.

  Don’t flip flop when he speaks. Don’t do anything at all.

  He keeps knocking. Again, and again. Over and over.

  Ugh.

  The neighbors are going to call the cops if I continue to let this go on.

  I stomp to the front door and swing it open. “What?!” I clip.

  “Janelle, please help me.”

  As my eyes took in his face, I can’t help but open the door for him further. I guess I’m a glutton for punishment. His eyes were bloodshot as if he’d been crying. His slumped posture was pathetic and sad. He wore a black leather jacket over a white t-shirt and his jeans.

  “Are you okay?” I ask as I close the door behind him.

  “No.” He shakes his head. “I’m not.”

  His eyes sank into mine, feeding me his pity. My heart cracks at the seams.

  I lead him to the sofa, and as we sat down together I am a bundle of nerves. I twist my fingers in my lap like I was knitting a fucking sweater. I wait with bated breath for him to speak.

  “Please say something,” I say, unable to take the silence anymore. “What is going on?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Good start.

  “For?” I egg him on.

  Ever had those people who drag out a story? Well, that’s what he was doing. I wanted to shake him to get on with it, but I could tell with one glance at him, he was trying his hardest.

  “Everything. I thought I could handle everything. But, the truth is...I’m a fucking train wreck.”

  I lay my hand atop his along his thigh.

  “You’re an asshole but you’re not a train wreck.” I smile.

  “I got scared. You scared me. So, I ran to my parent’s house upstate for some space. I’m so fucking sorry.”

  I breathe a sigh of relief.

  He was at his parents.

  “Cesar, I only want to help you. I care about you.” I scoot closer. “But I deserve better than how you’ve been treating me.”

  His big eyes shined with tears. “I know you do. I am seriously fucked up. I get that. And I don’t want to hurt you. That’s why I ran. That’s why I always run.”

  I wanted to say more. Like, I loved him, but at this rate I’d send him running for the hills. So I stay quiet.

  He moves to hug me, but something still feels amiss.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask.

  “You and Grant...you’re not back together or anything, are you?”

  “What does that matter?”

  “It fucking matters to me.”

  “Because?”

  “Because I love you, Janelle. There’s no running from it anymore. I love you and I know it might be a little too late, but I’m willing to wait for you. Just tell me you don’t love that guy.”

  I smiled a guarded smile.

  “I hadn’t seen him since before you left. I used him to make you jealous.”

  His face lights up like the sky on the fourth of July. “Well, it worked.”

  He leans into kiss me, and I let him.

  Over and over again.

  Until I beg him to stop.

  Epilogue

  A Few Months Later

  Cesar has his good days and some bad but all in all he’s great. And yes, we’re an official couple now. And yes, fuck Marissa with her evil stares every time we arrive at work. I know I was wrong for not telling her about Cesar, but he’s mine now. She just needs to learn how to get on board with that.

  Cesar has been getting serious about his future and he no longer works at the club as much while he attends the local university to get his counseling degree.

  What about me? Well, I signed up for a few classes too. In what? Would you believe me if I said ninja training? No? Okay well, there’s no such thing, but instead I signed up for a few exploratory liberal arts classes. I really like the art class I’m taking.

  It is Cesar who convinced me one night while lying in bed. He said my love for color would be appreciated in the art world. So, watch out people because purple will be invading your area in a big way soon. Maybe I can convince Lenny to produce and market a line of purple lingerie. Cesar loves my purple panties. I’m sure other people would love them too.

  As for my Overwatch Division veteran…he is the one thing I’ve gotten really right so far. He is the perfect guy for me. He really is.

  A few few more months later….

  I sold my first painting and it was all because of Cesar. A picture of him, one night as I listened to him explain his time at war...I drew.

 

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