The Embers Of My Heart, page 26
"Please stop." She turned her back on me and I saw her shoulders shaking.
"He's basically admitted it to me, but not in so many words. He talks about what you two are going to do once you find jobs, where you might move to, so on and so forth. Every time he talks about the future, you're in it."
"Don't tell me this!"
"He loves you," I repeated.
She spun around and threw herself at me. Her tears soaked my shirt. Once she gathered herself, she pushed herself away and looked up at me. "Swear to me you're telling the truth."
"I swear."
"Bring me back."
I nodded and let the mental realm fade. The effort of keeping it focused was too much for what I had to do. She looked around as the walls disappeared and the white expanse reappeared. "I'm going to share my Sight with you, so you can see what I'm doing," I said.
"This is what you see?" she asked as the power trickled through her. "This is beautiful!"
"It's a series of connections between everything," I said. "And the connections themselves, connected to other things. I can focus down to the connections between cells, or out to the connections between the planets. I can see the connections between all of us. See?" I pulled her with me, out of the mental realm, sharing my Sight of the hospital room. The emotional bonds between all of us stood out.
"I've never looked at myself like this," she said. Her voice was in my own head, uncomfortably close and loud. "And I can see what you mean. I'm at the center. That's why you're afraid."
"Watch these lines," I said, wiggling the ones focused on healing her body. I forced second tier power through them. My clumsy attempt at biokinesis faded and power trickled through her body. In its wake, cells healed, divided, and restored function. Time passed for us, but outside of my focus on her body, our friends stood still as if frozen. Her body would return to life in the blink of an eye from their perspective.
"That feels strange," she said. "I can feel it, at some sort of distance. Like someone's having the feelings for me and relaying it."
While the healing progressed, I began forcing the tangle of silver lines back into her body. Some of them splayed away and some of them vanished into the distance, some into my body. "Does this hurt?" I asked.
"My pain tolerance is way up there now," she said. "Don't worry about it."
My healing threads finished their work. "Looks like we're set," I said. "Ready?"
"No. Wait." Her voice rose in volume. "Look! My body's still dead! It's decaying right there!"
"I'll just restart your heart."
"It's more than that!" She started to gain an edge of hysteria and I forced myself to stay calm for the both of us. "It's dead, Kevin! You're going to push me back into a dead body!"
I focused on her body and saw she was right. Her heart and brain weren't beating or functioning. There was no bridge between her essence and her body to let her cross. I forced the silver tangle in again, but nothing changed the subtle distinction from a dead body into a living one. "It's all right," I said. "I'll get this."
"Please stop!" Her voice was echoing now. "This isn't right!"
"I've got one more idea," I said, and I pushed my mind out to overlay her body. It was a strange sensation as my mind sunk into her, almost being in two places at once. I felt her slide across, like a river diverting into a new course, and it took me with her.
I blacked out. Just for a second, but that was all it took. "Kevin?" I heard Max's voice from a different angle. Whiteness fell away and I saw Max from an odd double perspective, until I saw my own body collapse to the floor. "Kevin!"
"What happened?" Lisa's voice was different. I heard it from her lips, from my own lips. "What did you do, Kevin?"
"Lisa?" Drew's hand gripped ours, hard, painful. "You're alive?"
"Kevin?" She repeated.
"I'm here with you," I said.
"What?"
"I'm in your body, I guess. That's what it took," I said. "But now you're alive again!"
"No pulse. Code blue!" Our head snapped to the doctor, who was kneeling by my body, her fingers pressed to my neck. "What happened? I just saw a flash of light and then he collapsed and she's alive?"
"Miracles happen," I said.
"But you're dead now!" Lisa shouted aloud. Our body sat up straight.
Heads turned to us. Max paled. "Kevin?" he whispered.
"He's inside me!"
"He's dead," the doctor insisted.
"He's perfectly fine," said a new voice. Our eyes glanced to the door and Absynthe stepped through, her eyes already glowing green. "Don't worry about it, doctor. Please cancel the code."
"I'll do that," the doctor said.
"And please give us some privacy. We need to mourn."
"Sure." The doctor walked out of the room. My friends all stared at the strange woman in black, before each of them slowly sat down on a chair or on the floor.
Her eyes focused on ours. "Giving your own life to save hers? How noble."
"What?" Lisa's outrage burned inside her, inside us. "Kevin, no!"
"I wasn't trying to do that!"
"How did you expect to get back to your own body?" Absynthe asked. "She doesn't have the power to bridge you back. You trapped yourself in with her. You can't expect to share her body for the rest of her life. She'll go mad. You'll kill her as surely as she's already dead."
"I was trying to save her!" I said through Lisa's lips.
"And you're going to hijack her body when you need to? Like you are at this moment?"
"No!"
"You don't think about these things," Absynthe said. "You used the second tier again, twice in one night, without permission or training. You've broken more laws, rules, and understandings than I can count. You've sentenced your friend to insanity and a miserable death, which you will be an intimate witness to, as everything she experiences and feels will echo through you. You've done something monstrous." She shook her head. "And so, once again, I'm here to clean up your mess."
"What can I do?" I asked.
"Return to your own body," she said. "We're going to explain this night as a latent, uncontrolled second tier manifestation due to emotional duress. It's true, isn't it? Then you and I are going to have a long talk."
"How do I return?" I asked. "I don't have the power."
"I'll bridge you across. I have the presence of mind to do it without losing myself." She shook her head. "If you weren't too late, it could have worked, Kevin. That's the worst thing about this."
"Too late?"
"You can't bring back those who are unwilling. I'm sorry." Her cold gaze softened slightly. "And I'm doubly sorry for you, Lisa. No one deserves to die twice."
"I don't want to live like this," Lisa said. "I'm all right dying again. Do you think it'll hurt as much this time?"
Absynthe's gaze didn't falter. "It'll always hurt."
"But it'll only hurt for a moment." Lisa sighed and reached down where Drew was slumped against the bed. Our hand stroked his hair. "I wish I didn't have to put him through this twice."
"Don't worry about that," Absynthe said. "I'll make sure none of them remember this particular incident."
"Good. Who are you, by the way? You already seem to know me."
"Absynthe. I'm Kevin's mentor."
"Thank you, Absynthe." Lisa smiled. "I'm ready to go now."
"Can't we do this without her death?" I asked. "Absynthe, it's got to be possible!"
"Her essence is already scattered and broken. She's broken." We recoiled at her words. "Even if we managed the miracle, even if we brought her back, she wouldn't be Lisa Marie Chen any more. Only parts of her. Some of it's gone forever. Some of it remains in each of you who knew her. It can't be put back together, not as a whole."
I shook our head. "I didn't mean for this to happen. Lisa, please forgive me."
"You were trying to do what you thought was right," she said. "There's nothing to forgive."
"Without a thought for the consequences," Absynthe added. "Lisa. Please forgive me, as well."
"It's ok. Thank you."
Absynthe manifested her power. Psionic energy flashed through our conjoined mind and we screamed. A bridge to my own body formed, built with her will. "Push him away," she commanded Lisa. "Force him away from you. Focus on yourself without him. You can do it."
I slid toward my own body. Lisa pushed. Absynthe pulled. I crawled. With a sudden tearing sensation, I was back in my own self. My body was warm and my heart was beating, but everything was pure agony for a moment. My body had only died for a minute, but that was enough. It was worse than any beating Shade had given me.
Absynthe forced me to my feet with a psionic grip. I watched as the life faded from Lisa's eyes for a second time. This time, she didn't scream. This time, she passed with a small smile. This time, I watched the tangle of her essence disperse completely, threads fading off in every direction. One struck me and I felt her hand touch my cheek. "Thank you for trying." Her whisper, a phantom kiss to my cheek, and she was gone.
I hit the ground on my knees as Absynthe let me go. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. She gave me only a moment before placing her hand on my head. "You are going to help me modify everyone's memory of this incident," she said. "And undo all the healing you did to her. Right now."
"But-"
"Now."
I bowed my head. "Yes, Absynthe."
Chapter Twenty Two
It was finally over.
The last five days had been some of the longest days of my life. No one close to me had died before. Arranging a wake and funeral took less time than I thought they would, but those days were long. Her body was flown home. We followed three days later.
After Absynthe and I had finished modifying everyone's memories, she took me to a special debriefing. Alistair Ripley tore me down. I couldn't remember what he said, not in specific. All I remembered was how small I felt afterwards. There would be another hearing down the line to discuss how Kevin Parker unconsciously manifested latent powers and fucked things up again. I didn't even remember leaving his office.
I didn't see Drew until the day we left. He holed up in Andreas's room and didn't come out. Andreas refused to let anyone in to see him. It stung. He was my friend too, but it was what he wanted. I didn't fight it.
On the other hand, Jess was inseparable from Max. She lived in our room for those days. It was uncomfortable. She didn't talk much, only in barely audible words, and she cried constantly. She kept me awake. She couldn't look at me without bursting into tears. I couldn't take it after the second day. I walked outside and stayed out until I was sure she had cried herself to sleep. Even though I knew how she felt, even though I understood, I couldn't be around her any more. Max was far stronger than I could ever be.
I felt accused. Even after the memory modification, even after what had happened in the bathroom at the hospital, I felt like Max and Andreas were blaming me. Voices lowered if I walked in. Eyes cast aside. I wanted to scream at them. I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't have done anything. I knew it, they knew it, but I was the superhero in their minds, and I had failed.
I believed it as well.
The trip to her hometown took hours. We took Andreas's van. The ride was quiet. Andreas and Drew sat in the front. Jess, Max, and Kaitlyn sat shoulder to shoulder in the back. I stared out the window. Quiet sparks of conversation sprang up in front and behind me, but none of them lasted. Halfway through the trip, I wanted to scream. I wanted my friends back. I wanted her back.
Her parents met us at the funeral home. Her mother was tiny, with bags under her eyes, a trembling voice, and she looked old, so very old. Her father was taller and his grip was firm, but his eyes showed a shattered soul. He had outlived his only child. Both of them thanked me profusely for coming. "She spoke of you often," her mother had said. "She thought very highly of you."
"I thought very highly of her as well."
Drew had been the last to greet her parents. He towered over her mother by what looked like two feet. When she approached him to hug him, he dropped down to one knee. Her mother began sobbing as she clutched him. Her father stood there with one hand on her shoulder, trying his best to maintain the facade of strength in front of all of us, but when a tear rolled down his cheek, I had to look away.
The wake itself was long. She had been a social butterfly her whole life. Scores of her friends from high school came by. A surprisingly large number of people made the trip from Ripley. I drifted into the background with Andreas. Her family had asked Drew to stand with them. Jess and Kaitlyn stood close, as two of her closest friends, and Jess wouldn't let Max leave her side. Andreas and I simply stood vigil.
After the wake ended, Drew beckoned us over to join her family. Her father cleared his throat. "We would appreciate it if you would be pallbearers tomorrow. My brother and his son will join the four of you. Would you do this for us?"
I rode in the back of a hearse for the first time the next morning. The coffin was closed and sealed and took up the vast majority of the space, leaving the six of us on tiny little benches. We communicated without words as best we could, bearing her weight to her grave. We set it down and stepped back. Her mother laid a single rose down in front of her headstone.
The minister didn't speak long. I didn't listen. I just wiped my own eyes. I couldn't save her. I couldn't bring her back. All around me, they mourned her passing, but I also mourned my own failure. My weakness. She hadn't deserved this. She deserved life. Happiness. Love.
Drew stood at the edge of her grave. I watched him stand, staring down at the coffin, even as others dispersed. His lips moved, but those words were for her and her alone. I wanted to reach out to him, but I had nothing I could possibly say. Her mother turned to him and saw him standing alone. She reached up to his shoulder, pulled him down, and for the first time since it had happened, I saw him crack. I saw him cry. I saw him sink to his knees, cling to her, and weep.
It was finally over.
Chapter Twenty Three
Our door opened and I looked over my shoulder to see who it was. Drew slipped into the room and slowly pushed the door closed behind him. We looked at each other in silence for a moment. His eyes were dark, almost bruised, and his skin stretched thin over every muscle and bone. I didn't know if he ate anymore. "Hey, man. Where you been?" I asked.
"Hey, Kev." He pushed himself off the door and walked toward his desk. "I had a group meeting with my advisor, the dean, and someone from the registrar's office."
"Oh," I said. I didn't know what I could say to that. "Problem with your courses?"
He shook his head. He had shaved it clean after the funeral. Only a hint of stubble showed now. "Not a problem. Just needed to discuss my options and future plans."
"What did you decide?"
"I dropped all but one of my classes for the trimester."
"What? You're not going to graduate on time!"
"You think I care about that right now?"
I took a moment to compose myself before responding. "I didn't mean it like that."
"I know." He sighed and spun his chair away from me. "I've been giving it a lot of thought, even before. Did you know my grades were slipping? Engineering's no joke, man. I can't imagine what those nerds up the hill go through. I'm going to bail out of the program. My advisor's talking to the dean to see what I can get into without setting myself too far back. I might be a freshman all over again next year."
"I didn't know you were having problems with your classes," I said. "Any thoughts on what you want to do?"
"Not a clue," he said. "Not a damned clue. That's why I dropped everything but a basic psychology elective. Gives me more time to think about it. I do know one thing I want to do, though."
"What's that?"
"I'm going to get EMT certified." He pulled his desk drawer open. I knew he kept a picture of himself and Lisa in there. Max had told me about it. He had also told me how often Drew looked in there and how much it freaked him out. "I don't know if it's something I'd do for real, but I think it's something I should do."
"I think she'd appreciate that."
"Yeah. I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what?"
"Being like this."
I shook my head even though he couldn't see me. "Drew, you don't need to apologize. I'm your friend and I'm here for you." The words were sappy, but he knew what I meant, and I did mean it.
"At least you are."
"What?"
He looked back over his shoulder at me. "You're the only one talking to me these days, man. Think you're the only one who can stand being around me at all. Max just vanishes whenever I see him, poof, cloud of smoke. Jess and Kait start crying whenever they see me. Can't have a conversation with someone who's sobbing, right? Andreas is around, but he's starting so many new projects he doesn't have any time."
"They're all trying to cope in their own way," I said.
"Sure. Everyone's coping. Max and Jess can turn to each other. Kait might turn to Andreas or maybe get a train run on her at every frat party until she can't remember her own name. They might as well all move in together. Where's that leave me? Here with you."
"You're welcome."
He didn't seem to recognize my sarcasm. "They're all going off together. Clinging to each other for comfort. Who gives a rat's ass about the guy standing alone, right?"
"Hey. Drew, chill." I didn't like where this was going. He'd dipped into self-loathing lately. I wanted to head this one off before it could get worse. "No one's forgetting about you. It's just hard to deal with you right now."
"Deal with me?"
"Sorry. Bad choice of words. It's hard because you bring back memories. It hurts and they don't know how to deal with that other than staying away from you until it heals."
"It's not going to heal, Kev." His eyes weren't focused on me. I didn't know what exactly he was looking at. "It's not the sort of thing that heals and goes away. Things aren't going to go back to the way they were."
"Not with that attitude, they won't."
