BrookLyn's Journey, page 16
“The crazy thing is that she probably thinks she’ll get me back.”
“I’m sure she does.” Maybe I should concede. I never asked for this.
“She probably also thinks you’re going to run. I’m sure she thinks we’re going to break up.”
BrookLyn turned off the water and grabbed her towel. She dried off behind the shower curtain, listening to Gabby talk. She didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t deny the thought of leaving had crossed her mind a few times, but she had nowhere to go.
“Are you planning on leaving me?” Gabby asked.
“No.” BrookLyn wrapped the towel around herself, getting ready to step out.
“That doesn’t sound convincing. Besides I heard what you said earlier.” Gabby’s tone changed. She was hurt.
How could BrookLyn sound convincing when she hadn’t even convinced herself. She told me I could take my time figuring it out, but how can I at this pace? If she understood she’d back off a bit too.
“What did I say? You asked if I was leaving and I only heard myself say no.”
“You know what I heard you say.”
“I said no, Gabby, that’s what I remember saying. I’m not leaving. I need to come out so if you’re not going to repeat what I said, then leave so I can come out.”
“No problem, BrookLyn.” Gabby walked out without another word.
That went well. BrookLyn wanted to scream. She wanted to do a lot of things, but she decided to just get dressed for school.
She wasn’t mad at Gabby, but she definitely wasn’t happy. There’s no such thing as a fairytale, but BrookLyn wanted today to be like her first weekend with Gabby. That was a fairytale weekend. What she needed was to go back to that and start this whole thing over.
She dressed and threw her hair back into a ponytail. That was all she had time to do. Looking at her reflection, she steadied herself with a deep breath. You’ll get through this. Believe in yourself. You are a nice person, BrookLyn, and you’ve never hurt another soul. This moment in life has to get better.
She walked into the bedroom to see Gabby sitting on the side of the bed. The brightness that usually shone when she was in the room wasn’t there today. Gabby was angry with Shante, but BrookLyn knew that she had hurt her too. She didn’t seem to know how not to, right now—she was hurting too. It wasn’t Gabby’s fault. It was the recent changes in her life, but if it weren’t for her, BrookLyn wouldn’t be where she was right now. And she wouldn’t be safe either.
“Are you ready?”
“Yeah, I’m ready.”
***
They rode in silence all the way to school. Gabby showed BrookLyn where the office was again and turned to leave, but BrookLyn grabbed her arm. “Gabby, I really am sorry,” she whispered.
“I heard you think that maybe you should, but you can’t just concede. Don’t give up on us, please.” Gabby looked down at her feet.
“My two worlds have collided and you’re caught up in it.”
“I don’t mind being in it with you.”
“Thanks.” BrookLyn was trying not to cry.
“Don’t cry, Sweets.” Gabby reached out to touch her, but she stepped back and Gabby’s face changed from concern to hurt again.
They were in public. BrookLyn couldn’t let her touch her that way. What would everyone think?
“Imagine me not crying,” BrookLyn joked.
“Let’s meet out by the car at lunch, okay?” Her eyes were shaded in sadness.
BrookLyn nodded and forced a smile. Maybe Gabby can read my thoughts, but I suppose I can read her moods in the shadows of her eyes.
“See you then. Have a good first day.”
“See you later.”
BrookLyn went into the office to make sure that her paperwork was sent over from Pine Bush High School. It was and she ventured off to find her first class. I hope this school will be an improvement. She just wanted to be treated better. Sure, Gabby would come to her rescue, but BrookLyn was hoping that she wouldn’t have to.
***
BrookLyn’s morning was uneventful, but she was happy to meet up with Gabby for lunch, although she was getting tired of eating so much takeout. She made a mental note to start bringing her lunch.
Between bites of her sandwich, Gabby’s face turned pensive. “After school I’m going to drop you off at the house.”
“Where are you going?” BrookLyn asked. This was kind of odd. Gabby never wanted to be apart.
“I’m going to run and get my car. Then I’ll be home after that.”
“Why can’t I go with you?”
“I just figured you’d be ready to go home and do your homework.”
“I can do my homework after we get back. No big deal.” BrookLyn shrugged her shoulders.
Gabby looked out of the window, then silently covered up the rest of her sandwich and put it in the little plastic bag.
“Gabby, does this have to do with Shante?”
“It has to do with me picking up my car, Sweets. What’s this with you not trusting me all of a sudden?”
“I never said I didn’t trust you. I just know you always want to be together and today you don’t.”
“Trust me,” she begged.
BrookLyn didn’t. “I’ll try.”
Gabby sighed and turned the engine on.
“Can I have a kiss before we go back to school?”
“Here?” BrookLyn looked around nervously.
“BrookLyn, we’re in the back of a parking lot surrounded by trees. No one is here.”
“Someone could be looking.”
Gabby looked at BrookLyn as if she were crazy.
Maybe I am. BrookLyn didn’t know if anyone was looking and she didn’t care if the only thing out there were trees. She just couldn’t do it.
Gabby threw the car in drive and pulled off.
BrookLyn could feel the heat coming off Gabby’s body. If her eyes could turn red, they probably would. BrookLyn wasn’t trying to be difficult—just her paranoid self. “Gabby, I’m sorry. I’m just not comfortable with it.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“Please, don’t be mad at me.”
“I’m not.”
BrookLyn didn’t think she wasn’t telling the truth. The one person who always made her feel loved was making her feel uncomfortable. Gabby was really adding to her stress.
“Today when school is over meet me outside by the car.”
“Okay.”
It was going to be a long day.
They pulled up in front of the school as other students were scurrying back inside. BrookLyn wanted to be one of them. She just wanted out of the car.
Gabby spoke but kept her gaze straight ahead, lightly tapping her finger on the steering wheel. “BrookLyn, I hope that we’re going to be okay. I really love you but I’m not feeling that good about us today.”
“Do you think this is the conversation we should have before we walk into the building? I don’t.” BrookLyn’s eyes welled up with tears.
“I just need you to know how I feel.”
“Well, now is not the time, okay?” She opened the door. “And thanks.” BrookLyn hopped out of the car.
“For what?”
BrookLyn didn’t reply. If she had said anything she would’ve thanked Gabby for making her cry. She strode into school with purpose and walked briskly to the bathroom. It took all she had not to cry in the hallway. She made it into the stall just in time.
Outside in the hall she heard the bell ring. She was late. BrookLyn blew her nose and flushed the toilet. As she stood in front of the mirror drying her face with a paper towel, the bathroom door opened.
BrookLyn turned her eyes back toward the mirror since she didn’t know the girl that came in. She straightened her shirt, smiled slightly, and walked toward the door. As she passed, the girl touched BrookLyn’s shoulder. The girl smiled, but something about her made BrookLyn feel uncomfortable. Something didn’t feel right.
“Excuse me,” she said.
BrookLyn looked at her but didn’t say anything.
“I hope your little tears don’t mean there’s trouble in paradise. I’m sure Shante would love to hear that.” The girl laughed aloud and held out a photo of Gabby and BrookLyn hugging.
A shocked gasp escaped BrookLyn’s lips before she could stop it. She hurried out the door without looking back. Middletown was suddenly too small and was closing in on her. Everyone and everything here were connected.
She just wanted to crawl out of her skin, but she pulled herself together as she walked down the hallway to class. She was really late now, which was something she never was.
She hurried into class and immediately apologized to her teacher. How embarrassing. She wanted to run in the opposite direction. “I’m sorry. I’m new. I kind of got a little lost.”
“You’re only new today. Tomorrow you’ll know where to go and at what time. I expect you to be on time,” Mr. Shields said.
BrookLyn felt every eye on her. She was grateful all her honors classes were filled with all the other kids that people called geeks, so she didn’t have to spend as much time trying to prove herself. They were in the same shoes she was in. They were just here to learn. Although they did stare as the teacher chastised her, it was different kind of look. More like they shared her pain, rather than enjoyed it.
She took her seat in the back of the classroom. BrookLyn never liked sitting in the front because she always felt like people were staring at the back of her head. Sometimes her previous classmates threw things at her when the teacher wasn’t looking. It was the only place she felt safe—with her back against the wall.
Mr. Shields went back to teaching Chemistry. He was a large man with a long beard and curly hair. His writing wasn’t easy to read. It looked like kindergarten scribble.
Once she thought he was focused on scribbling on the board, she slid her cell phone out of her pocket. She had to send Gabby a text, had to let her know what just happened. She had never seen that girl before and she looked too old to be a student. BrookLyn glanced at Mr. Shields and then around the room to make sure no one saw her.
The only one who glanced her way was a kid wearing a pair of black glasses, sporting what looked like a uni-brow and a pen protector.
Is he for real?
He smiled and she returned it halfheartedly.
She typed out her message. “Someone just approached me in the bathroom and asked me if I was upset over trouble in paradise. She said Shante would be happy if there was. She showed me a picture of us too.”
“What? Who was it?” Gabby wrote back.
“I don’t know. She didn’t tell me her name.” As BrookLyn sent messages to Gabby she wrote class notes in her notebook too. She didn’t need Mr. Shields to take her phone.
“What did she look like?” she asked.
“She was taller than me. She was kind of skinny with long dark brown hair. And she looked a lot older than us,” BrookLyn typed. June was only a few months away. BrookLyn needed this all behind her.
***
As they sat in Gabby’s bedroom after school, BrookLyn thought about running into the guidance counselor in the hallway after class. Ms. Evans was almost as tall as the lady in the bathroom, older, but she reminded BrookLyn of her. She turned to Gabby. “Does Ms. Evans know about us?”
“I don’t think so. She does know about me.”
“Well, she knows about us for sure then.”
“BrookLyn, I am comfortable with who I am. It took some time for me to get here, but I like me. That’s why people know who I am. I refuse to hide it, but like I said before, I will keep us a secret for you. Just so you know, from my experience people tend to assume that I am a girlfriend to most of my female friends. I’m sure that’s all that happened with Ms. Evans.”
“Guilt by association. Lucky me.” BrookLyn didn’t hide her sarcasm. I just want the pain to go away! I don’t know if I want to go on like this.
“You know, suicide is never the answer, BrookLyn. It is the question sometimes, but it is never the answer. It’s the most selfish act ever. Things always get better. After my mom died I didn’t want to live, but I had no choice. I never thought I’d smile again, let alone love, and then you walked into church. Your smile gave me hope. People always told me it’d get better and I didn’t believe them. But they were right. This may feel like the end of your life. Sometimes it might get so unbearable that you just want to end it. But that’s not an option. It’s never an option.”
BrookLyn groaned and rolled over on the bed. “Get out of my head! I never said I was going to kill myself, Gabby. I didn’t even think it.”
“I don’t have to go and pick up my car today. I’ll go tomorrow,” Gabby said.
BrookLyn shook her head. “No, you want your car. Don’t worry about me.”
“All I ever do is worry about you, BrookLyn. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Well, I’m going to have Max come and hang out while I’m gone.”
She flipped onto her back. “I don’t need a babysitter, Gabby.”
“No, you don’t. I just need you to be safe. So, either I go and Max stays, or I go tomorrow.”
“I don’t need a babysitter. Sometimes I just talk, or think, Gabby. I have no intentions on harming myself. I’ll be in this bed asleep when you get back. I’m tired. I promise I’ll be fine.”
“I’ll run and get my car and Max will hangout downstairs.”
“Fine, Gabby. Call Max to babysit me.” She turned back over. She wasn’t mad at Gabby. BrookLyn was in disarray and she was just worried about her. Her parents had created many opportunities for her to feel like killing herself and she never did. She wasn’t going to do it now either.
Gabby leaned in and kissed her on the forehead. BrookLyn closed her eyes. She was drained.
Gabby got up and grabbed a blanket to cover her up. She was drifting off before Gabby even left the room.
“Love you,” BrookLyn mumbled, pulling the blanket up under her chin.
“I love you too.” Gabby shut the door quietly behind her.
***
BrookLyn fell asleep holding onto Gabby’s leftover warmth. She wanted her, but embraced her scent instead. Colors and loud music filled her dreams. Within seconds, she was dancing in the wind with rainbows following behind her. She saw Gabby’s happiness come through and reached out to grab it. As she did, Shante hovered over her.
Shante smirked and snatched Gabby’s smile out of the air. “She doesn’t love you anymore, little girl. She never did. She loves me. Go back where you belong and leave us alone,” she screamed.
BrookLyn’s mouth fell open in shock.
Tears streamed down her face as she called out for Gabby. BrookLyn couldn’t force herself awake. Lost and afraid, she didn’t recognize anyone. All of the smiling faces that surrounded her before Shante showed up were now blank. All of the bright colors that had been floating around disappeared. Only gray remained.
The loud music stopped, giving way only to the sound of her voice, repeatedly calling out for Gabby, but she didn’t come. BrookLyn roamed and roamed. The clouds came out where the rainbows had been. She was being smothered by darkness. She screamed out for Gabby again. She cried harder and yelled louder. She never came.
Chapter Sixteen
Lost deep in her dream, BrookLyn tried to wake herself up. She walked and walked as she tried to find her way out of the darkness. Why wouldn’t Gabby answer her? As she wandered, she kept calling out her name. Deeper and deeper into the darkness she called, to no avail.
BrookLyn started to cry as fear enveloped her. She wanted out. She wanted to smell Gabby’s sweetness and hold onto the rainbows that had appeared when she was around.
She had to find Gabby. She’d promised to keep her safe. She needed her. All at once, BrookLyn turned over in bed, sleepily realizing that she was shaking.
“Wake up, BrookLyn.”
Am I awake or dreaming? She rubbed her eyes, squinted, and saw Max standing over her. Her shirt was soaking wet from sweat.
BrookLyn struggled to catch her breath and wake up fully. “Is Gabby here?”
“No, she isn’t back yet. I heard you calling her name over and over so I came upstairs.”
“You heard me from downstairs?”
“Yes, I heard you. I’ve been trying to wake you up for the last ten minutes. You were almost on the floor. I think you were running.” He leaned on the door. “You can’t let Shante show up in your dreams. It’s bad enough she snatched some power out of your real life. Don’t let her take all of your peace.”
“I don’t know what to do. I really don’t.”
“Well, being that you can’t find peace in your sleep, you better figure something out soon,” Max said. He stood near the door looking down on her. His long curls hung to his shoulders. He was extremely handsome and she noticed for the first time that his eyes were similar to Gabby’s.
BrookLyn didn’t know what to say. He was right. Shante was taking over every aspect of her life, and she wanted it back.
“I think I just heard Gabby pull up,” Max said.
“What time is it?”
“It’s almost nine o’clock,” he said, glancing at one of the biggest diamond watches BrookLyn had ever seen.
“Are you serious?” BrookLyn couldn’t believe that she had slept so long. There was no way she’d go back to sleep tonight.
“I guess you needed the rest.” Max turned to walk out of the room.
“I know it didn’t take this long for Gabby to pick up her car.”
Max didn’t reply but had a guilty look on his face as he looked back.
“What else did she do, Max?”
