Promise Me, page 23
He dips his head and brings his mouth to my ear, and in a voice that cuts me to the core says, "Tell me what I can do to make this right, baby. Whatever it is... please tell me and I'll do it."
"I don't know," I whisper.
His other hand gently pushes me to turn around but I keep my head down. My heart is racing with our bodies being pressed so closely together and the pounding in my ears has reached an all new high. He cups my face with both his hands and gradually lifts my head so that I have no choice but to stare back at him. I see something that I would assume is regret and sadness across his face, but I don't know if he fully realizes the gravity of what he's done deserves more than an "I'm sorry". He broke my trust in him and once it was violated I know it will be the most difficult thing to repair. Like a flower that needs the right amount of sunlight, water, and care to bloom, trust requires the right amount of nurturing to flourish. How, after all of this, can I ever trust him again to accomplish that? Will I always question every little thing he does or doesn't do or will I be able to look past this one day.
"You once told me that you saw the real me," my voice cracking at the memory from that night. "Well, what if that was the real you? What if everything you showed me about yourself was just smoke and mirrors?"
He smiles faintly and rubs my cheeks with his thumbs. "There are only two people in my life who have ever seen the real me. One of them died when I was six years old, the other one is standing right in front of me."
I close my eyes the moment he presses a kiss against my cheek and I bring my hands up to grip onto his wrists. When he goes to pull away, I surprise myself by running my hands up his arms and encircling his neck, pulling his head back down so that his lips are just an inch from mine. Both of us hesitate for just a second before our mouths finally meet.
At first our tongues move slowly but it quickly escalates, each of us wanting more from the other to help dull the pain. I arch my neck when his mouth moves down towards the exposed skin on my chest, my hands in a death grip around his neck to keep him as close to me as possible. He takes a step forward, pushing me against the edge of the desk, so I hop up to sit and he stands in between my legs.
Tyler's eyes look conflicted, but my body, with a mind of its own, craves more. I put my hands underneath his tank top to touch the bare skin of his rippled stomach. Slowly, I move them higher, taking the fabric with my movement, until something catches my eye.
There, on his right upper chest, is calligraphy style lettering in black ink that says "Sabrina". With my heart in my throat, my fingers go to graze the edges of the raised skin around it that looks like it's still healing. I never thought I'd be the kind of girl that would be touched by something like this, but I can't lie… I think it's amazing. If I can get my thoughts to stop whirling around long enough, I might be able to say something to him; about how much it means to me that he did this to himself. So much so, that I'm utterly speechless.
"Do you like it?" He asks softly, running the back of his fingers across my cheek.
"When did you do this?"
"The day after you left."
I stare at the expressive curves of the letters that are permanently branded onto his skin, completely captivated by the beauty of it.
"It's beautiful... I love it." And for the first time in what feels like an eternity, I look up at him and smile.
"No. That right there," he says acknowledging my smile, "is beautiful. I didn't think I'd ever see that smile again and God knows I don't deserve it."
The corners of his lips curl up just as he dips his head to kiss me again, but I stop him by putting the tips of my fingers there.
"I can't, I'm sorry. I want to... obviously... but I need some more time to think about everything and if we do what we were about to do, it will just confuse me more than I already am."
He grabs hold of my fingers that are still touching his lips and kisses them tenderly before placing it above his heart.
"Baby, you don't ever need to apologize. I should be the one on my fucking knees begging for forgiveness."
I smile weakly as my eyes water and search his face for the answer I need more than any other. He had said those magic words to me yesterday but at the end of the day they're just words. I need to feel those words blanket me just like the warmth of his body does. And right now, I need that more than anything.
"Do you really love me, Tyler?"
Without a drop of hesitation in his voice, he whispers, "With all that I am."
He dips his head to rest his forehead against mine and I close my eyes to relish the closeness for a few moments. The confirmation of his feelings for me is like a salve on a wound that won't heal no matter how much I want them to. I try to clear my head of all the thoughts I have swirling inside of it like a tornado but it's of no use. I need to give myself some time to think things over carefully since there is no way that I can decide to forget what happened just like that.
"I should go," I say sounding as exhausted as I feel.
"Can I see you again?"
"I'm not sure that's a promise I want to keep right now."
He lifts his head, causing some of his hair to fall onto his brow. On instinct, I go to brush it out of the way, but let my hand fall onto my lap instead. I try not to let the bleak look in his eyes affect me when I slide off the desk, taking some of the papers with me. I bend down to gather them at the same time Tyler does, almost bumping our heads together in the process. I go to hand him the ones I picked up as we both go to stand and then yank them back to me when I make out what they say.
"Why... what are these for," I stammer.
I shuffle each piece of paper in my hand. Back and forth and back and forth, again and again, but he doesn't answer. I settle on one that shows an empty business property for sale about two blocks from where we are right now. Feeling completely thrown for a loop, I look up at him to find him run both his hands through his hair and lace his fingers behind his neck. He looks like a child who's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar when a meek smile appears across his lips.
"I told you that I would do anything to fix this and I meant it."
Confusion, frustration, touched... take your pick. All of those emotions and then some are running through my mind like I switched on a blender. I don't even know where to start.
"So, you're going to move here? Just like that... without even telling me," my voice almost sounding as panicked as I feel.
"No. I was going to tell you about it when the time was right. Plus, I haven't decided anything yet."
I try to find some calm in this shit storm that just keeps getting more complicated by the minute. "You can't just up and move here. I can't let you do that. I need time to think. And who's to say that when I do think about all of this that I decide not to..."
"Don't say that." He closes the space between us quickly taking the sheets of paper from my hands and throwing them onto the desk. Turning my chin up with his thumb and forefinger so I can't escape his penetrating gaze, he looks me dead in the eyes when he speaks again.
"If you move tomorrow to Timbuktu, then guess what, I'd be looking at restaurant spaces there too. Do you know why?"
I shake my head while he still has a hold on my chin.
"Because wherever you are, is where I want to be. You can take all the time you need to think, but I'm not giving up. You and I... we belong together and I'll wait for however long it takes because I love you."
I need to stand my ground here which is more difficult than before when he says things like that to me. I love him, but like I told him last night, it's not enough... at least right now, with my head and heart flying in all kinds of different directions, it's not.
"Tyler, I've never been in a real relationship before, but I'm pretty sure moving across the country after just a month isn't normal. Especially, when one of us has already cheated."
His mouth opens to say something but I continue, not wanting to be swayed further by him. "Trust isn't something that I can just turn back on overnight. I need time and I need for you to give that to me, no matter how long."
He thinks over what I'm asking of him for a second or two while he takes my face in both of his hands, finally nodding yes with a slight sadness in his eyes. The uncertainty, so thick all around us, that even I don't know if this will be the last time I ever see him. I get up on my tip toes and bring my lips to his, wanting to taste him once more before I walk out of this room. He wraps his arms around me possessively and I cup his stubbled jaw with my hands, kissing him as if there was no tomorrow.
When we break the kiss, the first few tears start to stream down my cheeks. His thumbs wipe them with care. "Don't cry.... this isn't the end. I promise."
He lets go as my arms drop down to my sides and go to grab my purse, still on the floor in the exact same spot from when I walked in a while ago. Tyler follows me to the door, holding it open for me and I cross the threshold back into the hallway then turn around to face him one final time.
My voice wavers only slightly when I say, "Goodbye."
"Goodbye, Sabrina."
The walk back to the elevator doors is even more difficult knowing that he's watching me. When they open, I hit the button for the lobby and turn to look out the open doors at him just as they start to close. Both of us soaking in every second we can before the doors shut completely. I'm left staring back at my own reflection again, wondering how strange it is that after ten years, I'm the one who's deciding to walk away this time.
"Okay, Mom," I huff into the phone, pretty much giving up on getting a word in edgewise in this conversation.
"Sabrina, now you know you need to take better care of yourself. You're running yourself ragged with that job of yours. I think the best medicine is a nice long vacation."
My mom, God bless her. If she could only understand that my job is the one thing keeping me sane right now. Ever since I walked away from Tyler in that hotel hallway a couple of weeks ago my heart has been on a seesaw. One day it's up and I'm more than willing to jump off, feet first into the unknown. The next day it's so down that I want to throw in the towel, forget about him and move on with my life. Today, for all intents and purposes, it's down.
Rubbing my eyes while the phone teeters on my shoulder, I grab it just in time before it drops on my desk. "Mom, I just took a vacation about a month and a half ago. I can't take another one again that quick."
"That may be so, but you sound like you need to do something, sweetheart. Is everything alright? How are things with Tyler?"
Surprisingly, my mom has been "Team Tyler" ever since I told her we were on a break. Actually, what she said when she found out was, "You mean like Ross and Rachel on Friends?" I had to clarify for her that Ross and Rachel were technically on a break when said cheating occurred and that I would prefer she not compare my personal life to that of two fictional characters. I further clarified for her that Tyler's cheating happened when we were not on any kind of break at all and is the reason behind what has put us in the holding pattern that we're currently in.
Taking in a deep breath through my mouth and then loudly exhaling through my nose, I try to explain to her again why things are not looking up at the moment.
"I haven't spoken to him since he left a couple of weeks ago, so I would say that things between us are about the same as when I talked to you last... which was, what... yesterday, right?"
"I didn't talk to you yesterday."
"I know you didn't, Mom. I was trying to be funny."
"Sabrina, there is nothing funny about this," she says seriously. "Obviously the man loves you enough to want to move down there. What else does he have to do?"
I answer her question with a silence so thick that it borders on screaming because I don't know that he has to do anything at all. The whole, "it's not you, it's me", thing is exactly what this has come down to. I have trust issues, plain and simple. I've had them my entire adult life and it's not something that I can just snap my fingers and make all better from one day to the next. What kills me is I've actually tried to do just that. But, every time I think I want to break down the fortress of solitude around me long enough to believe in Tyler, I second guess myself. Then, like a dog chasing its tail, I'm right back where I started. It's exhausting.
"Mom, I don't want to talk about it anymore, if you don't mind."
She sighs loudly on the phone then says, "You know, there is a saying about forgiveness, Sabrina. 'To err is divine, to forgive is human.'"
I try to contain my laugh at her mistake. "You got it backwards. It goes, 'To err is human, to forgive is divine.'"
"Even better," she says triumphantly.
"Alright, Mom," I say still grinning, "I have to get back to work. I'll call you later this week, okay?"
"Okay." There she goes sighing again like I'm dismissing her. "Take care of yourself, sweetheart. Love you."
"Love you too, Mom. Bye."
Putting the phone back in its cradle, I'm still amazed that my mom is rooting so strongly for Tyler. Little does he know that not only is she supporting his cause, but his biggest cheerleader is the least likely of suspects.
Julia.
After choosing to leave my heart on the fourteenth floor of The Delano hotel, Julia is convinced that I'm making a mistake of epic proportions. No one is more shocked than I am at this strange turn of events. I mean, the girl almost tackled him in our living room and wanted to tear him to bits, limb from limb. Only to turn around a couple of days later and make a complete about face so suddenly that it almost made me dizzy.
I swear, if Julia wasn't as successful as she is in the event planning business she runs, she'd make a fantastic lawyer, because every chance she gets she's pleading Tyler's case. Her biggest argument for being "Team Tyler" is just like my mom's... he's willing to move. To her that shows a tremendous amount of commitment on his part and I can see that, really, I can. But, it doesn't erase all the stuff before it that led him to think about doing something so drastic. When I tell her this, she goes into a long ass winded explanation that drives me absolutely crazy.
First, she starts off with the whole Tyler thinking he's not good enough for me thing. After everything I've told her about his childhood, she thinks that it directly affects some poor decisions he's made in his life, including this last one. The problem I have with her argument is how long someone can blame their current mistakes on the past. I'm not trying to be unfeeling or uncaring in the slightest, quite the opposite, and my heart breaks every time I think of him struggling as a child. What worries me is if every time he gets the slightest hint of doubt about how I feel towards him -which I can't even begin to fathom how he could- who's to say he doesn't jump into someone else's bed just as quickly as he did with Ava.
Ava. Just thinking of her name makes me vomit a little bit in my mouth. Which brings Julia to her usual second point in the case of Sabrina Chandler vs. Tyler Anderson, he fired her. Awesome! Way to go, Tyler! My rebuttal is easy on this one... he slept with her before he fired her. He did say that he would have fired her on the spot had I told him about the impromptu meeting she decided to call that day in his office. I'm not sure if I totally buy this answer from him though. He did see my reaction to her just a couple of days before that when she showed up unannounced at his apartment. Tyler knew how upset I was having to stand there and watch while she put her hands on his stomach as if she was a cat marking her territory. Even with all of that evidence, I couldn't have asked him to get rid of her because of the jealousy she spiked in me. God knows I wanted to, and I'm glad he eventually did, but I'm aware that would have been a completely unreasonable request on my part at the time.
This brings Julia to the closing arguments section of her case: the tattoo.
The most crucial piece of information to her is the date that he got the tattoo. The fact that he did this the day after I left him in Philadelphia is a pretty big deal. If anything, it helps him in my eyes. It may seem juvenile or even stupid to some, but to brand your own flesh willingly and permanently, so close to your heart... well, to me, it's downright romantic and that's not lost on me either.
So, as I explain to Julia on almost a daily basis for the last couple of weeks, the jury is still out on Tyler. I know it's not fair to leave him hanging so I need to make a decision sooner than later. The problem with making a choice is that I could have my heart broken either way. I love him so much that it's what keeps me from wanting to decide. I'm so afraid that he'll hurt me again that it's got me in this state of limbo where I know my heart is safe and under constant guard.
Tired and hopefully done with today's latest pity party, I push my seat back and grab my purse, already running a bit behind for an appointment I have with a local artist at his art studio. I'm thankful to be kept occupied by work but not nearly as much as I'd like to be. As the saying goes, an idle mind is the devil's playground, or in my case, Tyler's playground.
When I walk back into the gallery at just past four o'clock in the afternoon, Sarah, our receptionist, is staring back at me with a huge smile on her face. Her bouncy, usual self is extra bouncy when I approach her while putting my sunglasses in my hair.
"Oh my God! Oh my God! Guess what?" She's so excited that she's practically falling out of her seat.
I smile back at her, not having any clue what could be the cause of so much exuberance. "I have no idea, what?"
She shuffles some things on her desk and picks up a message pad, quickly tearing off one, she shoots her arm out to hand it to me. I grab it and look over her handwriting on the tiny scrap of paper not understanding the big deal right away until I read it again.
My eyes still on the message, I ask her, "When did he call?"
"About an hour ago."
