Accidentally in Love, page 24
She, on the other hand, felt like she was dying inside: Sara wanted to say the same thing back to him but knew that right now she couldn’t. A part of her was unconvinced he was seriously in love. Or at least not in the right way. Of course, he thought he was, but at the moment he couldn’t distinguish between the part of her which had helped him put the pieces back together – that of the court appointed guardian – and the other, real person he would be dealing with once all the legal and financial stuff was out of the way.
Ethan was still staring at her, waiting for her reply – which was taking a long time to arrive. Some of the light that had been there a moment before began to fade from his gaze.
“Aren’t you going to say anything?” he asked, without even playing the sarcastic cynic to hide his disappointment the way he usually did. It was a big step forward for him .
“I don’t really know how to answer…” she said, playing for time.
His expression became gloomy. “I’d like to know if you feel the same way or if you’re just playing around.”
“Look, Ethan, I don’t want to call your feelings into question… but I have a doubt: I want to know if, more than loving me, you love yourself.”
Ethan’s expression turned bitter. “Are you kidding me? You can’t psychoanalyse me during a tango lesson! And you can’t use my own words against me!”
“What happened between us in the last few hours is wrong,” she said, trying to make him see sense.
“Like hell it is!”
“Okay, not wrong,” she adjusted her words, “but… premature , given our relationship.”
“Bullshit.” And so saying he took her by the hand and made a gesture to Rita, who had perhaps noticed the tension between them and said nothing about their departure.
“The lesson wasn’t over yet!” Sara cried after Ethan had taken her into a dark corridor of the gym. He opened the first random door they came to – which was a dusty office – and went inside pulling Sara behind him.
“Now you listen to me,” he said threateningly. “Stop trying to confuse the issue. ”
“It’s the most unprofessional thing in the world . You’re not leaving me any choice: either we forget about everything and I stay on as your guardian or on Monday morning I go to Richter to hand in my notice.”
The prospect seemed to terrify him. “Don’t you dare ! Don’t you dare walk out of my life!” he yelled, moving in to kiss her.
Sara let him, hoping it would reassure him. “I’m not walking out of your life.”
“Yes, you are – if you quit, you’ll have no reason to care about me anymore,” he said, revealing what he usually kept so well hidden.
He kissed her once more, taking her face in his hands with such delicacy that Sara was almost moved. Then she leaned her forehead against his. “Don’t throw away what’s between us…” he whispered.
“I swear to you, I’m not going to! But there’s no hope for us if I stay on as your guardian and if we keep on sleeping together. I’d end up despising myself, and eventually you’d despise me too.”
“What do you mean? Are you really going to hand in your notice?”
Sara looked at him confidently. “Five minutes ago I really thought we could have forgotten all this and gone on as before. But I’m not sure anymore, so all I can do is quit. I have no choice. ”
Ethan laughed bitterly. “Oh, yes, you do have a choice. You could love me, for example,” he said, his eyes tearful.
She kept silent, because the effort of saying even a single word would have made her burst into tears.
Ethan, though, couldn’t understand what was going through her head, and he turned away angrily.
“Aren’t you going to say anything? Fine. We’ll see who Richter agrees with on Monday. We’ll see,” he said in a threatening voice. And so saying he flung open the door and disappeared from her life.
Sara slumped into a wobbly chair and finally gave in to her tears. “It’s because I love you that I have to do it. And you’ll learn to love yourself too, eventually,” she whispered, fully aware there was no one to hear her.
The right path was always full of obstacles. In that particular moment, though, she’d have given anything to take a short cut.
Chapter 14
The following Monday, Jane Richter entered her office at exactly eight thirty and found that there were already people inside it. As soon as she recognized the identity of the two visitors, she decided she’d be wise to put down the cup of boiling hot coffee she was carrying. In front of her sat Sara Di Giovanni and Ethan Phelps.
For once, she’d actually thought she’d done it. James Phelps had kept her up to date about his brother’s extraordinary progress. The Phelps family was practically ready to erect a life sized statue of Ms Di Giovanni and set it at the entrance of their New York offices with a plaque. And even she, who certainly didn’t believe in miracles, had for a moment embraced the idea that the constellations must have aligned to bring about her encounter with Sara Di Giovanni.
But awakening from a dream was always a rather painful operation.
“Good morning,” she greeted them, sitting down. They both wore curious expressions, which was a good thing, because if nothing else, it implied the battle was not yet over. And if the battle was not yet over, there was still a chance of bringing home the victory. “And to what do I owe the honor of this visit?”
Sara leant forward and, eyes blazing, said, “I have come to resign my position as guardian, judge.”
Rather than focusing on the significance of the phrase, which she had now heard spoken by four different people, Richter preferred to look at Ethan Phelps. At a moment like this she would have expected champagne and balloons from the man who had done his best to hinder all of Sara’s predecessors, and yet as far as she could tell, Ethan not only didn’t appear to be happy, he actually looked pretty angry.
“No, she is not resigning her position!” he said with a conviction Richter found almost touching.
Perhaps, after all, she should change her mind about miracles.
“You can’t stop me,” Sara reminded him. And in fact, she was right.
But if Ethan could not stop her, she, Judge Richter, could. Judges had plenty of tricks up their sleeves, when the situation required it and things were desperate.
“You tell her, Judge” begged Ethan, something Richter had never seen before, “She can’t just walk out on me, leaving me without any supervision.”
“Nonsense – a few months ago you couldn’t wait to get rid of me,” snapped Sara, who seemed not to have realized how surreal the meeting was turning out to be. From such a smart young woman, the judge would have expected at least a little more self-awareness.
“Okay, calm down, calm down the pair of you,” Judge Richter said. “There’s no need to raise your voice or to resign.”
Ethan turned to Sara and looked at her with an expression of barely disguised triumph. “See, even the judge agrees.”
Sara gave him a very annoyed look. “That’s because she doesn’t know the whole story.”
Judge Richter wasn’t a woman who tended to stick her head in the sand, but if someone had given her the choice, in this particular case she might have opted to stay in the dark.
“Judge, I’m really sorry to be bore you with these quarrels, but unfortunately there have been some rather personal developments which prevent me from doing my job properly,” Sara explained.
It was perfectly obvious what was going on. Deep in her heart, she had actually hoped that Ethan would somehow end up losing his head for Sara. It wasn’t the reason she’d chosen her, of course, but the more time passed and the more it seemed to her, from the news that reached her ears, that Ethan was going through a transformation that must have been caused by falling in love. Either that, or he’d moved on to harder drugs, which couldn’t be excluded a priori, given his history.
But now that she looked at him properly, his eyes seemed much more lucid than at any other time she’d met him. And the idea that there was something between Sara and Ethan certainly seemed to be the lesser of the two evils. After all, beggars can’t be choosers, so what at another time might present a serious issue, in this case was just a little stumbling block.
“Let me repeat,” Ethan said, “there is no good reason for changing the situation.”
If Sara, who was a serious, responsible person, had not been so incredibly conditioned by her own personal guilt, she would have realized that helping to free Ethan Phelps of his demons was far more important than breaking a few rules. Ethan needed something – or rather, someone – to make him want to do something about his life, because, sad as it was to admit it, humans rarely did anything for themselves. But humans in love… they would do cartwheels and walk the high wire if they needed to.
“Judge, please don’t make me go into detail and try to read between the lines,” pleaded Sara, who was exhausted by it all.
“Ms Di Giovanni, believe me, it’s perfectly clear to me what’s between the lines. I’m not a total idiot,” the judge reassured her with a benign smile. “But for once, I think I’m going to turn a blind eye.”
Ethan punched the air victoriously and smiled at Sara. “Ha! How d’you like that? ”
“Mr Phelps, please do not make the situation worse,” Richter warned him. “As I said, I understand perfectly well the situation which has developed between you two, but at this moment it’s completely secondary. Ms Di Giovanni, our official task is to limit the damage that Mr Phelps might cause to his own estate and to his company. But we are also human. Empathy is part of our job and I don’t want to throw away the chance to help Mr Phelps get out of the hole he’d gotten himself into. He needs to get back on his feet. I’ll admit that I’m also doing it out of personal interest: I’m sick to my back teeth of appointing new guardians. I want to get this matter sorted for once and for all.”
“Sorry, Judge,” muttered Ethan uncomfortably.
“Listen to me, Mr Phelps – you had fallen down a deeper hole than the one the wolf fell into in that fairy story about the seven goats… You’ve had a gut full of stones for a long time, but now that we appear to have found a kind of antidote for this terrible indigestion of yours, there is nothing left to do but cure it gradually.”
“You’re not going to leave me without supervision?” asked Ethan indignantly. The wheel of life turns for us all, but the irony of his question was not lost on any of those present.
“Not at all, but I would like to try and make you independent and responsible,” Richter told him.
“Me? Responsible ? Are you sure you haven’t got me mixed up with my brother, Judge?”
Judge Richter ignored him and turned back to concentrate on Sara. “Tell me, Ms Di Giovanni, do you think your ward could gradually return to full operational freedom?”
Sara thought for a long time and then answered with the utmost sincerity. “Yes, I think so.”
“What?! I can’t be left to decide for myself! There’s a reason you declared me incapable of managing my own interests – I’m an alcoholic, for Christ’s sake!” snapped Ethan.
“He’s much less of an alcoholic than he’d like us all to believe,” Sara hastened to reassure Judge Richter. “Having stayed in half the rehab clinics in the state must have had an effect on him.”
“That’s nonsense!” Ethan snorted. “It’s not the clinics, it’s you! You’re so damn hatefully smart that I always have to be at one hundred per cent just to keep up with you!”
Richter tried in vain to hide a smirk. “Well, anyway, I would suggest that you start attending Alcoholics Anonymous. I’d love to put this awful story behind us once and for all. ”
Sara nodded vigorously. “Gradually, I think we should also let him take back control of his checking accounts.”
“Absolutely not! You can’t just let me stupidly blow all my money!” he shouted.
“You won’t stupidly blow all your money,” replied Sara. The way she said it, seemingly without any doubt at all, left Ethan silent with shock for a moment.
“How can you be so sure?” he asked uneasily.
“Because I want to trust you.”
He blinked. “But I don’t trust me! So how can you?” he insisted.
“Because I’ve got to know you.”
“So we are in agreement, Ms Di Giovanni – you will not tender your resignation, and I will prepare a plan to gradually bring Mr Phelps to total autonomy.”
“Under those conditions, that is totally acceptable,” was Sara’s diplomatic response.
“Acceptable my ass…” he muttered.
“This way or nothing,” she said angrily.
“God, you’re always so mean to me,” mumbled Ethan.
“I have to be, to keep you from walking all over me, you and your ego.”
“Ms Di Giovanni, Mr Phelps, as much fun as it’s been to see you, I have to kick you out,” cut in the judge. “You know, there are just so many people who insist on coming to slug it out in the courtroom…”
Sara stood up and offered Richter her hand. “How long do you think it will be before we can conclude this… adventure?”
“A month?” said the judge.
The two women smiled at each other in satisfaction, completely oblivious to the strange sounds coming out of Ethan’s mouth. But then, it was hardly the first time that had happened for either of them.
*
Ethan went through the doorway and stood there for a moment, taking in his surroundings. Definitely not a particularly memorable place. Not that he’d had any great illusions it would be. “Well this meeting room is nice and depressing,” he said to Sara, who came in right behind him.
“What did you expect, luxury?” she asked bluntly. “It’s Alcoholics Anonymous, not a spa in the Hamptons.”
“No, but at least something a bit less drab…”
In the last few days he’d had to admit – first to himself and then to Sara – that alcohol was a problem for him. He was struggling to control the temptation. Talking with her was a worthwhile distraction, but the desire to go out and get blind drunk was still deeply rooted in his body – years of bad habits couldn’t be changed overnight through pure willpower. The willpower was essential, but he needed professional help too.
“The color of the walls doesn’t matter. What matters is the quality of the psychological support they offer.”
“You do realize that just the words ‘psychological support’ make me want to jump out of the window, right?” Ethan admitted uneasily.
“Of course I know that, that’s why I’m here. I’m good at slowing down people who are trying to escape.”
“I can’t tell whether you’re kidding or serious.”
“In this case I’m serious: I spent years trying to stop Eva from jumping out of the dentist’s chair,” she revealed with a laugh. “She owes her perfect smile to me.”
“I get where she’s coming from…” Ethan sighed. “After spiders, dentists are in second position on my list of horrors.”
Sara gave him a satisfied smile. “See? Psychologists are only at number three. And at the dentist’s it’d be just you against the drill, whereas here there are a lot of you. Strength in numbers, sharing your fears,” she said seriously, turning to look at the room where several people were already sitting.
“Of course, if you were a little nicer to me…” he insinuated, approaching and brushing her cheek with his nose. “You smell nice,” he murmured.
“Don’t even try it. You know the rules: no sex until I stop being your guardian,” she reminded him.
“Come on, that’s terrible! Do you have any idea what it’s like for a man with a healthy sexual appetite to have to endure a whole month?”
She did not soften. “It’s only for a few days,” she reminded him.
“Yeah, but I live with you – try and imagine how hard it is for me to watch you parading around the house naked and still resist the temptation.”
Sara burst out laughing. Ethan really couldn’t figure out how he managed to find her laugh sexy – because, objectively speaking, it wouldn’t have been out of place in an episode of Peppa Pig – and yet the effect it had on him was always so powerful. He loved to hear her laugh.
“Aw, jeez, you have a real gift for comedy, you know that? Look, you can always go back to your house, you know. Nobody’s forcing you to stay at mine. And anyway, I never ‘parade’ around naked – I wouldn’t walk around naked at gunpoint, as you very well know. Though, obviously, I can’t say the same thing about you…” she remembered .
“Okay, I’m giving it my best shot,” said Ethan, “but unfortunately, my charm doesn’t seem to be having any effect on you! It’s so unfair…”
Sara caressed his face. “It does, believe me, it does, but I’m toughing it out.”
“You women are such cruel creatures,” he hissed.
“Not cruel, just superior, but if you behave yourself and take this seriously, I’ll make sure you get a reward tonight.”
Ethan’s eyes sparkled. Yes, okay, he was a man and so obviously his thoughts went immediately to that . But so what? Fantasizing cost nothing.
Sara immediately realized the thought that her words had conjured up in Ethan’s head and raised an alarmed eyebrow. “Ethan!” she exclaimed and punched him on the arm. For a woman, she had quite a right hook. “Don’t you dare start thinking that! I meant a kiss !”
“Hey, let me dream, at least…” he pleaded, only half joking. “You and your professional inflexibility…”
“It’s not inflexibility – it’s called being professional.”
“As far as I’m concerned, it’s called cruelty. I mean, you don’t even want to let me carry on living with you,” he grumbled .
“Again with the crazy idea of us carrying on living together?” she asked incredulously. And even a little bit indignantly, now that he thought about it.
All in all, living with her had been fun. He would never have imagined it would be, but everyday life was far less boring if he had her to share it with.
