From the Hat Down, page 14
“Hell, you’ve got cousins. My brother’s kids. They’re all right. We’ll find a way to keep it in the family but when you get right down to it, I won’t give a rat’s ass who gets this place after I’m dead. And you won’t, either, after you’re gone. It’s for the living. And the person who gets it will be the one who’s supposed to get it.” He reached down and slapped Calico gently on the neck.
Her chest tightened. “Dad—”
He looked over at her.
“Does it bother you that I won’t end up with a man?”
He was quiet for a long time and then he reined Calico to a stop. She halted Destry as well.
He looked at her. “At first, yeah. It did. Not because I thought you were bad or messed up or anything like that. But because I just didn’t understand where you got that. I had some—” he stopped, searching for the right words. “Some not very informed ideas. And I worried about you. There’re some people in this world who want to make things hard for people like you.” He shifted his weight in the saddle and regarded her. “But dammit, it’s part of you. And looking back on it, I should’ve seen it coming.” He chuckled wryly. “I just want you to be happy. I want you to find someone who’s gonna love you for who you are, who’ll have your back and will take care of you and who won’t mind if you take care of her when she needs it.”
She felt like she might cry. Again.
“You’re the best damn daughter any man could ask for. And no matter what, I will always be here for you. As long as I have breath in my body. I’m so damn proud of you, Meg. Everything you’ve accomplished.” He stopped talking and urged Calico forward. “I hope the woman of your dreams is out there. You deserve it.” He looked back over his shoulder. “Let’s go see what your mom and Phil are up to.”
She rolled her eyes and smiled, glad he didn’t continue in that vein, because she’d be blubbering soon. “Hey,” she called after him. He wheeled Calico around and waited.
“I’m really glad you’re my dad.”
“Well, shit. Me, too.” And he suddenly kicked Calico into a gallop. “Winner take all!” he shouted.
“Cheater!” She shouted back as Destry lurched after them at her urging. Destry was fast and even with Calico’s headstart, they overtook Stan and Calico and passed them, Meg whooping and Stan yelling and laughing as she raced past. She reined in behind the lodge and dismounted so Destry could walk some of her exertions off. Stan did the same with Calico.
“So what about that spot just off the county road?” he asked as he wiped tack down.
“Seemed the best possibility. There’s the water issue. And trash and biohazard issues.”
He shrugged. “I’ll make some calls. See what I can find out.”
“I will, too.” She led Destry to the paddock, Stan and Calico right behind.
“Productive day,” he said as he watched the horses for a moment.
“Yeah.”
“Guess we’d better quit playing hooky.” He gave her a look.
She sighed. “Guess so.” She followed him to the dining room. Irene was leaving tomorrow afternoon. Might as well try to make nice.
Meg sat outside next to Marjorie, eating birthday cake after her birthday hamburger. Stan had, of course, gotten the guests to sing “Happy Birthday” and then toast her. And then he teased her mercilessly about the number of candles on the sheet cake Bruce and Bud had carried out of the kitchen. She didn’t mind, though, because it was so good.
“So how’s the art going?” Meg asked. “Did you sell those paintings you were talking about last year?”
Marjorie smiled, smug. “I did. And for more than I originally asked.” She took a drink from her plastic cup.
“Congratulations. You’re getting a following.” And today, she certainly did look like an artist. Marjorie’s first visit to the ranch had been ten years ago, the same week Meg had met Gina, and Meg had immediately liked her and her eccentric fashion quirks. Today’s ensemble involved a loose linen purple blouse and lightweight turquoise trousers, though Marjorie’s hikers were simple tan and black.
“I guess you could call it that. I just love doing it.”
Meg balanced her paper plate on her thigh and took a bite of cake, savoring.
“Are you still with Kate?” Marjorie asked.
Meg looked at her, surprised that she’d remember. “No, actually.”
“I’m sorry. Was it recent?”
“November.”
“How are you doing with it?”
Meg shrugged. “As well as can be expected, I guess.”
“Not that it’s my business, but she wasn’t right for you.” She set her glass on the ground next to her feet.
“When—oh, that’s right. You met her last summer.”
“Nice girl. Not for you.” Marjorie took another bite of cake and chewed slowly, a thoughtful expression on her face.
“Why not?”
“She didn’t understand you. You need someone who appreciates your cowgirl essence and encourages it.”
Meg sat back, feeling put on the spot. “Oh, really? And Kate wasn’t that woman?”
Marjorie took a bite and looked at her innocently. “No.”
“Geez, Marjie. Just tell me what’s on your mind.”
She giggled and shrugged. “Gina,” she said. “Now, she understood you. I could see it.”
Meg didn’t answer and instead took a bite of cake.
“You met her ten years ago this week, didn’t you? That was my first time to the DR.” Marjorie smiled. “It was your birthday then, too.”
“Guess you just like to come out to Wyoming and celebrate with me.” Meg smiled back.
“I love coming here. It’s a highlight of my year.” She finished her cake. “I was sad to hear it didn’t work between you and Gina. I really liked her.”
The cake she was trying to swallow barely made it down her throat.
“Do you ever hear from her?”
Meg nodded. “I do, actually. She sends me a birthday card every year and we email now and again.”
“That’s nice. Do you ever see her?”
“Not for a few years. But she’s supposed to be in the States in August. We’re going to try to get a visit in then.”
“Well, I hope you do.”
“We’ll see. So. . .Michael?”
Marjorie smiled. “He couldn’t come this year. He had to go to a wedding. He wasn’t thrilled about it.”
“Glad to hear he’s still hanging around. Bring him next time.” Meg winked and picked up her plate and Marjorie’s. “See you at the bonfire.”
Marjorie waved and Meg took the plates to the trash cans that Jackson and Bud had set up outside near the grills. Irene stood near one of the grills, chatting with Phil and a couple of the guests, a mid-forties guy that Meg remembered was either a lawyer or a marketing executive and his wife.
“Excuse me,” she said to the man and his wife. “Just a quick interruption. Thanks, Mom.” She held up the gift card for Bodyworks and gave Irene a quick hug.
“I really like their vanilla hand lotion. It smells pretty.” Irene looked pointedly at her.
“I’ll go in and check it out.” Meg slid the card into her back pocket. “You coming to the bonfire?”
“Of course. Your dad does tell a good story and I’m sure he’ll have a few about your past birthdays.”
Meg smiled. “Yeah, I’m sure he’ll tell ’em, too. Okay, see you in a few, then.”
Phil glanced at her and he surreptitiously rolled his eyes at her with a little smile on his face. “Happy birthday again,” he said.
“Thanks. See you at the bonfire.”
“Yep.”
She smiled back at him and headed toward the office. Stan would be busy with bonfire preparations, so she’d have some time to herself. She settled in at the computer and logged into her account. An email from Gina’s sister Mary was waiting for her. The subject line said “Hi, Meg! This is from Gina!” She smiled and clicked on it.
Hi, Meg—
Mary here, in case you didn’t figure that out yet. LOL. Gina sent this to me actually two weeks ago and then she emailed me a different file a few days ago and wanted me to send that one instead. So here it is. I scanned it for viruses.
Ciao,
Mary
Meg looked at the attached file, a video, so she right-clicked to download it and waited, impatient, while it did. Finally, an image appeared on the screen. Gina. She stared.
“Hiya, Cowgirl.”
Meg’s heart rammed her lungs. It was the first time she’d heard Gina’s voice in five years, and it was like the first time she’d ever heard it. Low, warm, and inviting.
“I had this all ready to go about two weeks ago but after I got your email with your updates, I re-did it so it wouldn’t sound dated.” Gina was sitting on a low gray couch. From the appearance of the room, Meg guessed it was her hotel room in Istanbul. It seemed bland and sort of western-looking. Gina wore a black shirt, which brought out her hair and eyes. Her voice, at once familiar but new, made Meg’s breathing speed up.
“I’m doing this,” Gina said, “because I think a lot of emotional weight can get lost in email. I’m hoping that seeing me talking to you might make a difference.” She grinned. “By now, you’re probably hiding out in your dad’s office to avoid Irene. I know she’s your mom, but I can’t say that I blame you for that.” She smiled and shook her head in sympathy. “At any rate. . .” she leaned forward. “It’s hard looking at a camera and pretending it’s you. But it’s the best I’ve got. So I hope you can bear with me. Knowing you, I have a feeling you’re probably wondering what’s up with me, since I have been spilling a lot in the past week or so. I don’t know yet, myself. I do know that I need a break from this life and I will be applying for a stateside position. Hopefully it’ll be the one I mentioned in your birthday card.” She paused. “Here’s the thing, Meg.”
She looked directly into the camera. “I’ve been thinking about you. A lot.” She looked away and Meg’s chest constricted.
Gina returned her gaze to the camera. “I meant what I said in my letter—whenever I’m feeling unrooted and unraveled, I think of you and then I know I’m okay.” She smiled, albeit sadly. “So what I’m hoping is that you’ll want to re-connect on some level. Before you freak out, I’m not asking for the past. I’m asking for a friendship that’s more than an email here, an email there, a card once or twice a year. I’d actually like to see you once or twice a year, if I’m lucky.” She paused. “I don’t expect anything that you aren’t willing to give. It’s just that I realized I really miss having you in my life in a greater capacity and there’s so much I wish I had been a part of. I won’t lie—what happened between us kicked the shit out of my soul.”
Gina ran both hands through her hair and Meg’s chest ached like she’d been punched.
“I was fucked up for a while after that and I was so angry at you but also at me and at us and the world. Ultimately, we did what we thought we had to do but it still really sucked in a lot of ways. And I acknowledge that I was part of the decision-making process, too.” She laughed, but it sounded sad. “God it sucked. But here I am. And I’m ready to move past that. I’m tired of skipping over memories when we do contact each other. I’m tired of not talking about what happened because it prevents us from really talking about things and it prevents us from getting to know who we’ve become over the years.”
She stopped and looked away again then back at the camera. “I kept hoping you’d want that and that you’d bring it up. But knowing you, I had a feeling that you might get that little insecure thing going that you have and you’d convince yourself that I didn’t have the time, the inclination, the need, or whatever else, what with my jet-setting ways. You know you’re full of shit for thinking that, right?” She grinned.
Meg smiled, too.
“Well, you are,” Gina said. “And I’m telling you to quit with that. You’re an unbelievably amazing woman and I have such respect for who you are and what you do. So can we please put the past behind us and be real friends? I miss you, Cowgirl. I’m pleading, like on Facebook. Be my friend, huh? Will you?”
Meg laughed out loud.
“I also wanted to let you know that I’m really sorry about what happened with you and Kate. I never met her, but she’s fuckin’ crazy to let you go. But I know how you can be. You’ve got to let someone in. I told you that once. You were pretty good with me, up to a point. It didn’t keep me from being with you, but it made me wonder. I figured you’d grow out of it. Have you?” She quirked an eyebrow playfully and Meg swallowed hard. “I really hope you have,” she continued. “Because someone’s going to be the luckiest woman in the world when you’re able to let go of some of those walls. Of course, I now need to work on some of mine, too.” A distant expression entered her eyes. “So I’ll quit teasing you about that, since I’m probably just as bad these days.”
Gina smiled again. “Anyway, I hope you’re okay about that. I wish I could be there. You’ve got my shoulder any time you need it.”
“Jesus,” Meg muttered. “I think I’d want a hell of a lot more than that.”
“Okay, Cowgirl. Here’s the other thing I wanted to bring up. Monday is the ten-year anniversary of that night at the River Rest. The anniversary of our first night together. I want you to know that’s one of the most precious memories I have. And no matter what you say to me after this or what you think of me in the wake of all this crazy revelation, you will always have a part of me, and for that I will always be grateful. So I guess that’s about it. Lots of heavy shit to absorb and I’m sorry for laying this on you but I needed to say it. Take your time with it. I hope it hasn’t made you change your mind about August. Happy birthday, Meg. Take care.”
The screen faded to black and Meg closed the file and emailed a thank you to Mary, letting her know that she’d gotten it. Then she sat staring at the monitor and imagined she saw a little demon staring back at her.
“Yeah, so?” she said to it. “I might still be a little in love with her. So what?” She thought back to that night at the River Rest and it was just like it was yesterday, the current that raced down her spine and settled pleasantly between her thighs. Gina singing “There’s Your Trouble” then following her out onto the patio. Kissing Gina for the first time against the side of her Pathfinder in a dark corner of the River Rest parking lot. Ending up in Gina’s motel room. . .
Meg logged out of her account, mind racing. She hadn’t heard Gina’s voice in five years but it made heat race through her veins, like it had when they were together.
Watching her talk.
Seeing the shifting expressions in her eyes.
How the hell could she still affect her this way? Even from a damn video?
She started to click on it again but forced herself to log out instead. So that’s what Gina wanted. She was tired of avoiding the past. She felt it held them back from a friendship. Meg pushed back from the desk and stood. Gina was right about that. It did. Friendship Meg could do. Knowing that she might still be a little in love with Gina would just have to be her secret.
She left the office and went to the bonfire, where she took the empty seat next to Irene on a bench, to do some family time, though Gina was more family than Irene would ever be. Meg made small talk with her and Phil, thinking back ten years to the first week Gina was at the DR, which she spent wondering if Gina would ever see anything in someone like her. The night of her birthday, she got her answer.
So why did she push people away? Was it ranch culture? Growing up around Stan, a self-contained man who rarely discussed his deeper feelings? Living as a lesbian in a macho world?
She stared into the flames, only half-hearing Irene going on about some party she had planned over the summer. Phil made some polite comment but he, too, was staring into the fire. What a pair, Meg thought as she glanced over at him. He’s in love with the future and I’m hung up on the past. And it amused her a little, what she knew that her mother didn’t. She thought about what Stan had said about Irene and she allowed a little more empathy to sink into her heart for her. She is what she is. I just wish she’d let me be who I am.
Chapter 11
Meg tore herself from sleep, gasping and half-sobbing. She sat up, startling Moonshine on his bed under the open window. He whined softly. She looked around the room, and the familiarity of her surroundings pulled her fully awake. She shivered as the breeze from the window slid over her sweat-drenched skin.
She flung the sheet off in spite of the chill and swung her legs over the side of the bed and sat like that for a long time, the dream replaying itself in her mind. Gina, dressed in the black shirt from the video she had sent, standing in a crowd in what might have been a marketplace. Meg had to tell her something, had to warn her about something, but she wasn’t sure what. She raced through narrow, twisted streets that double-backed on each other. Every time she was sure she was about to break free of the city, she instead ended up at another blank wall or a new street.
The faster she ran, the farther away Gina seemed and then suddenly she was in the marketplace and Gina wasn’t there and the place was engulfed in chaos and a robed man came up to her and tugged on her sleeve. He was trying to tell her something but she didn’t understand his language so he pulled her to a spot on the buckled flagstones where Gina’s shirt lay. And in the dream Meg started screaming and she collapsed, falling palms down onto the street, and she clutched Gina’s shirt and howled in anguish as the man kept trying to tell her something. He kept touching her gently on her shoulders and back, saying something that sounded melancholy, like a song of grief. He tried to pick her up but she couldn’t move and Gina’s shirt was knotted in her fists and pain ripped through her until she finally woke up.
