Fire, page 19
“It means he met someone.” Tucker hobbles in from the living room, leaning heavily on a cane. His gait is uneven, but he looks pleased as fucking punch to be up and about.
“Look at you,” I say, thumping him on the back. “Old Man McGee with the cane.”
He returns the hug with one arm. “You say old, I say mobile. Either way, it’s an improvement over sitting on that couch day in and day out.” He leans on the wall as Mitchell and Flora attach themselves to my legs, hugging me fiercely.
As I rub the tops of their heads, I realize I never had the chance to know Nell at this age. Never got to pick her up and toss her over my shoulder, blowing raspberries into her tiny tummy the way I do with the twins. That’s a somber fucking thought.
“You’ll be back to your old self before you know it,” I say to my friend.
“We’ll see about that.” Tucker glances at his wife. “This whole ordeal may have slowed me down some.”
“Nah. Nothing will get you down, isn’t that right, kiddos?” Flora and Mitchell whoop their agreement, then Analise takes them into the kitchen for breakfast while Tucker and I move into the living room. He leans heavily on the cane but he’s walking, and that counts for a lot.
“So,” he says, groaning as he carefully lowers himself onto the couch, “tell me about this woman.”
I feign innocence. “How do you know there’s a woman?”
“You went from basically living here to only stopping in from time to time and not staying long. At first, I thought you finally believed me when I said you didn’t need to take care of us, but then I asked myself, Hey Tuck? What’s the one thing that would keep Ole Tower from visiting his friend with the bum leg? And then it hit me. Something of the female variety oughta do it.” He grins, hefting his leg onto the ottoman and rubbing his thigh.
After Tucker got out of the hospital, his entire demeanor changed. He was angry. Short-tempered and morose. He felt like his life had been stolen from him and bitterness permeated everything he said and did. The man in front of me laughs quickly, without a sign of that darkness anywhere. It’s like I’ve been given my friend back after getting my girl back.
Content for the first time in the last twenty-four hours, I cross my ankle over my knee and thread my hands behind my head. “What if I told you there were two something’s of the female variety?”
Tucker gapes. “Then I’d ask you to tell me more. But carefully, quietly, and in a way that won’t scar my children or concern my wife.”
I explain everything from the night of the fire onward. Tucker listens with wide eyes and a dropped jaw. “You have a kid.” He scrubs his face with his hands, shaking his head. “I don’t even know what to say.”
“It’s one of those things that takes a minute to get used to, but Ivy and me? We’ve kind of found a rhythm of sorts.”
A rhythm where she doesn’t even think of me when our daughter has a crisis.
A rhythm where everything I do is met with resistance because “she needs to be more independent.”
“That giant crease between your eyebrows says maybe you’re not as comfortable with that rhythm as you want me to believe.” Tucker waggles a finger in my direction.
Shit. I didn’t know I was that transparent. I rub the spot between my brows to ease the tension. “I don’t know. She’s had some sketchy situations with men, and she literally broke off her engagement while she was living with me. And I keep trying to help and she keeps trying to find her footing and…”
And what? Ivy’s need for independence makes sense when you’re listening to the highlight reel.
Am I being the asshole here?
Tucker nods like the wisest man that ever was. Maybe the cane gives him street cred. “It’s got you wrapped around the axle.”
“It does.” I brace my elbows on my knees. “I loved her so much when we were kids and it’s like all that feeling was just waiting for her to show back up and claim it. If anything, I care more about her now than I did then.”
“And she loves you?”
“She says she does. I just don’t know how to be around her, you know? My natural reaction is to take care of her. I thought giving her a place to stay after the fire would be a good move, but she won’t accept anything else I do to try and help because she doesn’t want to take advantage of me. She wants to prove she can be independent, but she doesn’t make enough money to live on her own. She just doesn’t. And I make more than enough to support all of us. I want to support all of us. To fix the mistake I made, right away as fast as I can.”
My focus darts out the window, to the hazy day outside. Laughter comes from the kitchen as Analise and the kids make breakfast. Ten bucks says they’ll bring a plate in for Tucker because that’s what family does for each other. That doesn’t make him dependent or mean he’s taking advantage. It’s just the way these things work. Why can’t Ivy see that?
This is all so complicated and I fucking hate it. I love Ivy. She loves me. Why is this so hard?
“You do that a lot you know,” Tucker says, and the tone of his voice says he knows he’s about to piss me off.
“Do what?”
“Assume you made a mistake when you didn’t.” He sits back like he’s dropping the mic, but I have no clue what he’s talking about.
“You’re gonna have to elaborate, man.”
“You’ve taken the blame for my accident since it happened. Like there was anything you could have done to change things.”
I purse my lips. “I was the officer in charge, and I could have seen that beam wasn’t secure.”
“And I outrank you and could have seen it just as easily.” Tucker leans forward. “I was the one who walked into that room. I was the one who made the mistake and you’ve been bringing groceries and toys and doing penance like you pushed me. Not that we don’t appreciate it, not at all. But, at some point, you’re going to have to accept that my accident wasn’t your fault.”
My brain balks at the statement. I could have done anything different and Tucker wouldn’t have spent weeks in the hospital and then months recovering here at home. But I don’t have it in me to argue with him. Not now.
“Let’s assume that’s true for the sake of argument.” I lean forward, elbows on knees, certain he’s got it all wrong. “How does it translate to this situation with Ivy? I definitely made a kid with a person, and I definitely haven’t been there for the last seven years.”
“But you didn’t know you had a daughter, Micah.” Tucker’s jovial face is gentle, and I don’t know what to do with that. “How can you be at fault if you didn’t know?”
“Are you saying this is on Ivy?” I push out of the chair and stride to the window. I shouldn’t have come. I should have just gone home and gone to bed and everything would have been okay.
“I’m saying it’s a complicated situation and you’re taking responsibility for all of it. You’re trying to solve all the problems and maybe you should just slow down and enjoy the fact that she’s back with you. That you’re lucky enough for her to love you. And, if that means she needs time and space to figure her life out, you should back off and let her.”
I don’t want to back off. I don’t want to lose her again. I wouldn’t survive that.
Some of what he’s saying sounds right, but the rest? I don’t know. It doesn’t work for me. Am I really supposed to just let Ivy go, knowing she’ll struggle? Does he really expect me to let her slip out of my life when it nearly killed me to lose her the first time?
For fuck’s sake, why is this so hard?
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Ivy
I stand in front of my closet with Nell, looking at the handful of clothes I brought with me from Seattle. It isn’t much, especially when it comes to dressing up, and the stuff Julian said he’d ship back has yet to arrive. He probably sent the text to get an emotional response out of me and has no intention of sending my things, especially after I didn’t take the bait.
Whatever. I’m so tired of him taking up space in my head. Especially now, when everything in my life is starting to come together.
“I want to look casual, but nice, you know?” I say to Nell, who nods like she understands my conundrum. “I haven’t seen these people in a long time and want to make a good impression.”
Micah’s cousin Nick is home on leave from a tour of duty overseas, so the entire Hutton clan is getting together to celebrate. Micah declared it the perfect opportunity to introduce Nell to his family, and I’ve been looking forward to seeing them all again, right until I opened my closet. I gnaw on my lip as I flip through the options.
“That dress always looks pretty on you. The white one. With the floof and ruffles.” Nell taps the sundress I wore the day I met Micah at The Pact. I’d been so nervous to see him, so sure he’d be angry and difficult. Since then, he’s proven himself to be Julian’s opposite in every way.
“I can’t believe you suggested a dress.” I pull it out and hold it against my body, looking at my reflection in the mirror. I’ve put on a little weight since I’ve been in the Keys. Julian would forbid me to wear white until I didn’t “look like I spackled the dress on,” but Micah seems to like me a little curvier.
Nell leans against the wall, crossing her arms and shrugging just like her father. “Just because I don’t like dresses doesn’t mean you can’t like dresses.”
“Wise advice from someone who just lost her first tooth,” I say, smiling through the mirror.
“Daddy said that it’s good for people to be different because it would get boring if everyone in the whole wide world was the same.”
I pause, shocked to hear her call Micah Daddy and heartbroken he wasn’t around when she did. “He’s full of good advice, isn’t he?”
“And bad words.” Nell giggles. “He’s full to the brim with those.”
We get dressed, me in my white dress and Nell in a pair of shorts, Converse, and her favorite oversized superhero hoodie. I do our hair—curls for me and a high ponytail for her—and am painting my nails with Nell curled up on the bed reading a comic book when Micah knocks at the door. He takes one look at me and his eyes light up.
“Wow,” he whispers, before turning to Nell. “I’m sorry to barge in, but I found these at the store, and I know you’re not into girly stuff, but I thought you might be willing to make an exception. Whadaya say, LG? Pretty cool, right?” He holds out a package with hope lifting one side of his mouth.
I instantly go on alert as Nell frowns. Julian tried to force her into feminine choices. He brought home dresses and bows and pink everything, then made a stink when she didn’t act excited.
That hasn’t been Micah’s way, but my guard is up all the same.
“Mom likes girly stuff,” Nell says, looking disappointed and trying to diffuse the situation by shifting the attention to me. I hate that she’s only six and already has tactics like that in her arsenal.
“I don’t know. These might not be girly enough for Mom.” Micah holds out a pack of nail stickers and I grimace. Nell has never been big on those, no matter the color.
Nell dutifully studies the package and I kid you not, her entire face lights up. “Oh woah! These are so cool!” She leaps off the bed and into his arms. “Thank you, Daddy! Thank you!”
“Anything for my girl,” he replies, his voice thick as he holds her tight.
“Is anyone gonna let me see?” I ask. “I need to know what kind of miracle nail stickers have you so excited.”
Nell wiggles out of Micah’s embrace and thrusts the package into my hands. “They’re comic book ones. Look!”
Each sticker has a different comic book word on them. “Kapow!” for her thumb. “Wham!” for her pinky. They’re bright and fun and so perfectly Nell, I hate myself a little for listening to my father when it came to Micah. She’s come to life since she’s met him. She’s happier since she met him. More confident. More relaxed.
Just like me.
For as long as I can remember, Hutton family gatherings were held at Micah’s Aunt Cat and Uncle Lucas’s house and today is no different. Pulling into their driveway is a dose of nostalgia that stabs me in the heart.
“It hasn’t changed a bit,” I say as I peer out the window at the stately two-story home with the splattering of palms in front and the ocean behind. The first floor is an enclosed outdoor living area with a bar, a pool, hot tub, and boat dock. The two bedrooms, kitchen, and living area were built on the second floor to minimize damage from flooding.
Micah takes the car out of gear and kills the engine. “The house is the same. The people are too, though we’re all bigger, older.” He bobbles his head. “And there’s more of us.”
“More? There were already so many of you!”
“There’s no such thing as too many Huttons.” Micah turns in his seat to look at Nell. “You ready to learn the meaning of the word ‘big?’”
She eyes the rows of cars filling the drive and spilling onto the street, then turns her attention to the house in front of us. She’s accustomed to expensive homes. Between Dad’s money and Julian’s, we’ve always had nice things, but our family gatherings never included more than five or six people. She’s in for an experience tonight. I only hope she handles it well and Micah hasn’t built it up too much. While there might be a lot of people, there won’t be that many kids…
“I’m so ready,” Nell says, wiggling in her seat.
We file out of the car. Micah wraps one arm around my shoulder and takes Nell’s hand with the other. The palms bend in the breeze and the ocean sweeps and rolls behind the house, glimmering in the setting sun. Soft music wafts our way, twining with laughter and conversation as we approach. We step inside and almost run face first into a couple engaged in a heated discussion in the foyer.
“Nator Tot!” Micah exclaims. “Just the man I wanted to see.”
Nathan Hutton used to be a scrawny redhead with a pale face and freckles. He grew up and filled out while I was in Seattle. Instead of a vibrant red, his hair darkened to a deep mahogany and bright green eyes sparkle in a strong face with a kind smile.
“You promised you’d stop calling me that,” he says, thumping Micah on the back, then turning to me. “My God. Ivy Cole. You look wonderful. We’re all so glad you’re back.” He turns his attention to Nell, crouching down to greet her on her level. “I remember you! Miss Penelope Michaela Cole, lover of strawberry ice cream, right?”
“At your service!” She hits him with finger guns and a huge smile. “And you’re the stranger without danger.”
Nathan introduces us to his girlfriend, a sour woman named Blossom wearing a candy pink dress, her blonde hair styled and sprayed within an inch of its life. She looks at me the way the girls at school did before Dad enrolled me online, a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes, a scan of my face, my body, my hair, my daughter, the curl of her lip a clear indication I don’t measure up.
“It’s so good to meet you,” she exclaims in a voice that says it most certainly isn’t, then grabs Nathan’s arm and hangs from him like an anchor. “Nathan and I were in the middle of a discussion though, so if you don’t mind, we’ll catch up with you later?”
Or never, says her practiced grin.
Nathan frowns, then sighs and hits Micah with an apologetic smile. “Blossom has two girls a little older than Nell. Maybe they can play?”
Blossom wrinkles her nose. “I think my girls might be a little mature for her.” She turns her back to us, not so subtly signaling our part in the conversation has ended.
Micah leads us deeper into the house, glances over his shoulder to make sure we’re out of earshot, then bends down to whisper, “Her girls are anything but mature. They might be the meanest, nastiest, most entitled human beings on the planet.”
“Surely they’re not that bad,” I begin, but a shriek interrupts me, followed by frantic splashing and a wail of indignation. A little girl around ten or eleven stands at the edge of the pool, her hands on her hips, her perfectly curled hair spiraling down her back as she stares haughtily at her sister, drenched and struggling in the water with a voluminous dress floating around her.
“I’m gonna kill you!” yells the sister in the pool, spitting water and losing any sympathy her predicament earned her. “You stupid, jealous, bratty idiot!”
“Jealous? Like I have a reason to be jealous of you!”
“Cathlynn! Carabell!” Blossom appears out of nowhere, takes a few steps toward the pool, then gestures for Nathan to solve the problem.
“I stand corrected,” I say to Micah while Nell stares, eyes wide.
“The girly girls are always the scariest,” she whispers, shaking her head
Before long, we’re surrounded by Huttons, most of the faces familiar, though kissed with age and experience. Micah’s mom takes Nell by the hand and leads her over to the treats, leaving me to catch up with his cousins.
“So, this is the Ivy Cole,” says Angela’s husband, Garrett. He’s dark and imposing, though he obviously loves Angel very much. Which is easy to do. She’s as sweet as sunshine and just as bright.
“Here I am.” I laugh nervously, wondering what’s been said about me that even this new addition knows my name before we’ve been introduced.
Micah’s brother, Levi, wraps me in a hug and their cousin, Nick, looks like a movie star in his dress blues, broad shoulders, and dark, cropped hair.
“There he is. The whole reason for this shindig,” says Micah, thumping Nick on the back. “The man who goes on so many Marine intelligence ops that the family throws a party every time he comes home.”
A woman I don’t know joins the group. She has dark, curly hair and one of those faces you instantly like. “Hi!” she says brightly, extending her hand. “I’m Garrett’s sister, Charlie. I’d like to think I’m the reason for the party, since my visit just happens to coincide with Nick’s, but it’s probably safe to say it’s a coincidence.” She glances toward Nick, blushing and dropping her gaze as they make accidental eye contact.
