Fire, page 14
“How heavy’s her Gramma?”
“Does it stink like farts inside your mask?”
“Did it make you sad to see the burning toys?”
“Isn’t it scary to run towards a fire? I’d want to run away.”
“It’s not scary for him,” Nell says, like she’s known me for years.
I crouch down to meet the kids on eye level. “Fear’s job is to tell you when there’s danger around, and fires are dangerous. Believe me, I still get scared. It all comes down to how you manage the feeling. I can let it stop me from doing what I know I have to do, or I can let it inspire me to be better. I’m no different than you kids. I know you all get scared sometimes just like I do. The next time it happens, remember, you get to choose how you react to it.”
The kids gape at me with mixtures of blank stares, awed smiles, and something that looks like bad gas.
“I get real scared when there’s monsters under my bed,” whispers a little girl near the back while several kids nod in sage agreement.
“You guys look like each other.” Giuseppe glances from me to Nell and back again. At first, I’m glad for the interruption because I have no idea how to deal with monsters under the bed, but then I process what he said.
“No, we don’t.” Nell rolls her eyes. “He has brown hair and I have white, like my mommy’s.” Though, as soon as she finishes the sentence, her little brows furrow and her head cocks.
Ten bucks says we’re both remembering what Ivy said when Nell asked about me.
I told her she was the best parts of her dad. Smart and strong and filled with energy and questions. And I told her she looked just like him, that the only thing she got from me was my hair, which made her a very lucky little girl.
“But your eyes are the same.” Giuseppe squints. “And your lips. It’s kinda weird. Cuz he’s old and a boy and you’re little and a girl, but it’s like your twins.”
Well, shit. Nothing like being outed by a little kid.
Nell studies my face like she’s seeing it for the first time. For that matter, everyone in the truck is studying the similarities between us. One glance at Carson tells me he’s already suspicious and when I look back to Nell, I swear she is, too.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Ivy
Nell’s quiet when she gets home from school and quiet some more during dinner.
“You okay, Nell Bell? Did something happen at school today?”
“We had the fire truck ‘ssembly.” She shoves her food around her plate.
“I didn’t know that was your school. That’s so neat! Did you see Micah?”
Nell nods. “We got to look at his truck. It was real cool. Especially when he turned on the sirens and lights.”
Everything she’s saying sounds perfectly normal, except she’s lacking the exuberance I’d expect from my little girl.
“Did you get to introduce him to your friends?”
“Giuseppe met him. Well, the whole class did. But Giuseppe really got to talk to him cuz he’s always talking anyways.”
I ask a few more probing questions but get the same kind of answers. Nothing about the conversation should set off my alarm bells, but everything about it does. We move through the evening. Nell swims while I sit on the deck and follow up on my job search. We watch a movie, and she takes her bath. She’s quiet the entire time.
I go to bed unsettled. Something’s bugging her.
And it’s the first time in her life she didn’t immediately come to me with the problem.
Micah
It’s never easy to get a good night’s rest in the bunk room at the fire station. But tonight? I can’t keep my eyes closed long enough to convince sleep to come. The interaction with Nell and her friend keeps going round and round in my mind. She stared at me so hard after that kid said we looked alike. Did she see the similarities? Did she agree? Did it mean anything, or has she moved on to something else already?
Kids have short attention spans. Hell, I have a short attention span and I’m a grown up. Nell’s probably already forgotten the whole thing.
I roll onto my side, which only encourages a new set of questions to pipe up.
Is it time? Is it time to tell her I’m her father? Or would that be too much for her, considering we’re still basically strangers?
Fuck it. Sleep isn’t coming. I toss the blanket off and sit up with a growl. Maybe I need to tire myself out. I change, then head to the workout room where I focus on the feel of the bar during bench presses, on the contraction of the muscles, on my breath, the sweat, but still…
Will Nell hate me for not telling her the same day she moved in? Will it hurt her to learn I didn’t know she existed until we met at the foundation?
Being a parent means every choice I make affects my child, but I’ve only been a parent for a handful of days. I have no clue what I’m doing. What’s right. What’s wrong. Hell, I’ve not exactly been the best judge of that in my life, at least according to how comfortable I got in the principal’s office over the years.
I finish my work out and hit the showers, then lie back down in a bunk and stare at the ceiling.
Ivy
The next morning, Nell skips down the stairs, humming to herself while I cook up some One-Eyed Sailors—one of her favorite breakfasts. It’s basically eggs and toast, except I cut a circle into some bread, throw it in a pan with butter, then crack the egg inside so everything cooks together. She swears it tastes better because the “flavors get all jimbly-jambly” but I think the name makes her think of pirates.
“How’d you sleep, sweet girl?”
“Super duper great.” She peers into the pan then jumps up and down. “One-Eyed Sailors? I knew it was gonna be a good day!” She prances around the kitchen, humming a sea shanty I found on the internet the last time I made this for breakfast.
“You seem like you’re in a better mood.”
Nell pauses, eyeing me. “You know what? I am.”
“Feel like talking about what had you so quiet yesterday?” I slide the One-Eyed Sailor out of the pan onto a plate and place it on the table.
I wasn’t going to have breakfast today. With everything going on, I’ve been eating more than usual, and I could stand to cut back on the calories. But, the smell of butter, toast, and eggs is too much, and I put the pan back on the burner. Julian wouldn’t approve, but what Julian thinks doesn’t matter anymore. I’m hungry. The end.
Using the rim of a glass, I cut a circle out of a slice of bread. A quick check of the time says Micah will be home any minute, so I grab a few extra slices in case he’s hungry.
Nell takes a hearty bite, chewing happily. “Giuseppe said somethin’ weird yesterday.”
I crack an egg, my mom senses jumping to red alert. This Giuseppe kid might be harmless, but Nell takes everything he says a little too seriously. “Oh, yeah?”
“He said me and Micah look like twins.”
I freeze as the egg sizzles. “Did he now?”
“Which I thought was pretty silly. Right? Micah’s a grownup and I’m a kid. Twins aren’t like that.”
I bob my head, poking at the egg with my spatula. “That’s right. Twins are born at the same time. That was a pretty silly thing to say, wasn’t it?”
Nell’s quiet for all of two seconds and then, “Is Micah my daddy?”
The question hits me in the chest and the world slows to a halt. Of all the ways I anticipated talking to my daughter about her father, I never thought she’d put the pieces together herself. I turn to her, cocking my head as Grandma’s advice echoes in my mind.
Micah should have a say in how and when we tell Nell he’s her dad. He’s her parent too. If he’s not ready, then it’d be wrong of me to drop this in his lap. “What makes you ask that?”
“At first, when Giuseppe said I looked like him, I thought he was stupid. Micah has brown hair and I have white. He’s a boy. I’m a girl. How do we even look like each other?”
I nod.
“But he has brown eyes and I have brown eyes and you said I look just like my daddy except for my hair. I looked and looked and looked in the mirror and Micah and me do kind of look like each other.” She pauses to shove a bite into her mouth. “I’ll never tell Giuseppe though. He already thinks he knows everything.”
“I see.”
“And then, Micah likes strawberry ice cream and I like strawberry ice cream, and you said I was the best parts of my daddy…”
“A lot of people like strawberry ice cream, Nell.”
“When I told everyone at school he let us live here, everyone said it was weird, even Miss Wannamaker.”
I suck in my lips and check the time. How long until Micah comes home?
Micah
I’m exhausted when I pull into the driveway. More so than usual. Even the prospect of seeing Ivy can’t put any pep in my step. I need to talk to her about what happened at the school, but my brain might as well be spaghetti after a sleepless night. My body aches because of the work out. Do I have the energy for a conversation this important? Or worse, am I blowing it all out of proportion? Maybe Nell’s forgotten everything that happened yesterday. Maybe it wasn’t that big a deal in the first place.
When’s the right time to tell her I’m her father?
My boot hits the first step. My hand grips the rail. I hang my head.
That little girl deserves the best shot at life I can give her. Whatever I do now can make or break that shot.
I’ve never felt so much pressure in my life.
Ivy
“You told people at school that Micah gave us a house?”
“Yeah. And it got me to thinking. All of it. And I just started to wonder if Micah is my daddy.”
I fold my arms across my stomach. I don’t want to lie to her. But I don’t want to make the decision to tell her on my own. Outside, feet hit the steps, heavy, clumsy, almost like someone who’s been awake for the better part of a day. Keys rattle in the lock and relief softens the tension in my shoulders because if he’s here, he’ll have a say in how this goes.
“Please, Mama!” Nell cries as the door swings open. “Please tell me Micah’s my daddy. I really want him to be my daddy!”
Micah
I pause just inside the door as Nell begs Ivy to tell her I’m her daddy. That name, wrapped in her little voice, it twines around my heart and tightens my throat. My girls look to me, Nell filled with hope and Ivy with worry.
“Is it true?” Nell asks me, grinning. “Do you look like me because you’re my daddy?”
I glance at Ivy. She shrugs, chewing her bottom lip, like a mouse staring at the cat.
My eyes burn as I look to my daughter. I nod, my voice stuck behind a lump in my throat.
Nell stands. Takes one step toward me, her little brows furrowing, and suddenly my worst fears are coming true. She’s going to hate me for not being part of her life. She’s going to run to her room and slam the door and I’ve only been in her life for a few days and have already ruined it.
“I’m sorry—” I begin, but Nell runs to me, wrapping her little arms around my legs and squeezing tight.
I drop my hand on her head, her white gold hair like spun silk against my palm, and meet Ivy’s gaze. One hand covers her heart, the other her mouth. Tears glimmer in her eyes.
Nell looks up at me, her smile as bright as the sun. “I always knew my daddy was a superhero,” she says, and something shifts inside my heart, a lock turning, the tumblers clicking into place.
Ivy can’t move out. She can get a job and pay me rent if that’ll make her feel better, but after this? I can’t imagine being without my girls again.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Micah
“I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time,” My mom says a few days later, wiping tears from her eyes before pushing her dinner plate out of the way to brace herself on the table. Encouraged, Nell goes off on another diatribe about the kids in her class, which sends Mom back into fits of laughter. Dad’s enthralled with his granddaughter and has been smiling the entire night, though I’ve caught him watching me with a familiar look in his eyes.
He's worried. Wondering if I’m going to fuck this up. I see it written all over his face. And I get that. I’m wondering the same thing. Once again, past me’s choices have caught up and delivered consequences present me wasn’t expecting.
“This has just been the best night in a long time,” Mom says, smoothing her blond hair, then tucking it behind her ears. It’s shorter now than when I was younger, but it suits her, as do the laugh lines that crinkle with her frequent smiles. “I’ve missed the energy of little kids. And goodness, I love my boys, but I did always want a girl.”
“And now you’ve got me!” Nell beams, pleased as punch. “But I kinda like boy things.”
“You’re perfect the way you are.” Mom pats her hand. “I wouldn’t change a thing.”
Nell glances around the table, studying each of us while chewing her bottom lip. “All the girls have white hair and the boys have brown,” she says finally, as if it’s a revelation. “Giuseppe DiSanto at school? He says I have the same eyes as Micah, but he has the same eyes as you.” She points at Dad. “I don’t look like my other grandma and grandpa very much. Sorry, Mama, but it’s true. I don’t act like them either. But you guys laugh a lot. Like me!” She beams.
“Your grandpa makes me laugh every single day,” Mom says. “It’s one of the reasons I fell in love with him.”
“Not the only reason,” Dad says with a grin. “I seem to remember a certain dance I did that caught your attention.” He folds his arms on the table, his biceps flexing. If I can be in half the shape he’s in when I’m his age, I’ll call it a win.
“That’s a story for another day,” I say before Nell can ask too many questions.
“Did you know your grandma and I made a pact promising not to fall in love with each other?” Dad widens his eyes at Nell. “And she had the nerve to break it,” he finishes, jutting his chin at Mom, who swats his arm.
“I wasn’t the only one who broke that pact, thank you very much. It takes two to tango, mister, and you do love to dance.”
“That seems silly.” Nell climbs onto her knees, too excited to sit still.
“I agree. It’s very silly.” Mom glances at me with a secret smile. “Promising not to fall in love is like promising your heart won’t beat. You have no control over either thing.”
Ivy and I clear the table while my parents entertain Nell in the living room. We join them after the dishes are done and spend another hour before a particularly large yawn from a six-year-old has us checking the time.
“We should probably get going,” Dad finally says after another large yawn from Nell. “Give this little family time to themselves.”
Whoa. Family?
I turn to Ivy and the look on her face says she’s tripping over the word the same as me.
“Oh, Eli…” Mom leans her head on his shoulder. “I don’t want to go. I feel like we just got here.”
“Cry me a table, Max.” Dad gives Mom a wicked grin and I have to wonder how a grown man can be so corny. He’s said stupid shit like that as long as I can remember just because it makes Mom laugh.
Dad catches the look on my face and doubles down. “Cry me a table.”
Ivy bursts out laughing while Nell cocks her head. “How do you cry a table?”
“When Grandpa and Grandma Hutton were friends,” Ivy explains, “it used to drive her crazy when he got sayings wrong. The real saying is cry me a river—”
“But he made it funny by saying ‘table!’” Nell giggles, then frowns, looking at the people gathered around her. “But who’s Max?”
“That’s me.” Mom raises her hand. “He’s called me that for as long as I can remember.”
My parents pass out hugs, Mom promising Nell they’ll have a baking date soon, and then suddenly, it’s just the three of us.
Me and my family. The word spins in my head and I’m dizzy with it. I went from single to…a family?
The description doesn’t really fit.
Ivy and me…we aren’t even dating. We used to be in love, but I’m not sure where we stand on that now. Our one-time thing has been exactly that. We’ve been completely professional since that first night.
We’re just…living together, but separately. With our child.
Fuck.
Did I just describe most of the families in this country?
“I think that went well.” Ivy places a hand on my arm and shoots me a questioning look. Shit. I’m so stuck on that word that I’ve been glaring at the door since it closed.
“I am so lucky,” Nell crows, spinning in circles before plopping onto the couch, her feet kicking up as she leans back. “I loved our small family, Mama, when it was just you and me, but it’s real nice having a big family, too. With daddies and grandmas and grandpas that are funny and nice.”
I stroll over and plop down beside her. “You aren’t even close to understanding the meaning of the word ‘big,’ kid. I’ve got more aunts and uncles and cousins than you can count, which means you do, too. There are more of us than in your whole class.”
Nell scrunches up her face. “Nu-uh.”
“Yah-huh. Just you wait and see. Then you’ll learn the meaning of ‘big.’ ‘Loud’ too,” I whisper to Ivy, who chuckles as she pauses on her way to the kitchen.
“You want a drink?” she asks. “I could go for a glass of wine.”
“A beer sounds nice.”
Nell scampers off to play in her room before bed while Ivy grabs our drinks. When she returns, I lift an arm and she curls into me, like we used to when we were young. It’s a reflex on my part, and probably hers too, but it feels so right…
Family.
