Elnathan John, page 4
of them decided not to report every single bombing that took place especially when there was no
casualty. And what excuse did they give for such irresponsibility? That terrorism is all about
spreading terror and that they would not report every single attempt at creating such terror. How
presumptuous! May such bad behaviour never be mentioned about you.
Report every case of bombings, even the failed attempts. People need to know all the activities of
the terrorists. Let them choose which one affects them. If a bag was found abandoned in a public
building and there is a bomb threat which turns out to be innocuous, you are allowed to use bold
headlines like “Bomb Scare in Ikeja”. You are reporting it as it is, and that is what a good journalist
should be: accurate.
There is no need to work alongside government when there is an outbreak of violence. If you
wanted to be involved in the politics of things, you would have contested for office.
Very importantly however, life is for the living. Leave real-time conflict reporting to foreign
journalists. It is wrong to want to actually cover a violent crisis or war. That is what phones and texts
and emails are for, even though sometimes the government may cut off phone lines in the area. Taking
the next flight or bus to Maiduguri, whether as an embedded journalist with soldiers or otherwise, is
not journalism. It is foolishness. People should be patient, they will hear about it after the fighting is
over.
Where there is an explosion do not fail to suggest that it might be a bomb. The facts might be hazy
but it is important for people to know that they might be dealing with a bomb there. Where there is an
explosion you can help a militant group like Boko Haram take responsibility by writing in such a way
that suggests it had to be them. The rule is simple: report first, verify later. It is not your fault that
government won’t respond quickly with the right information.
To spice it all up, never forget to splash photos of the bodies of victims and wounded people in
your paper because as they say, a picture is worth more than a thousand reports.
And you, the blessed NGO, whom God has elevated to the position of saviour of your brothers,
have a special place in all of this. You must be on your toes, ready to publish a press release when
there seems to be any case of human rights violation or whatever other type of violation you have told
your funders you will monitor. It may not always be necessary to thoroughly examine the event that
has just occurred. You don’t want your funders to think you are sloppy, being the last to condemn a
thing. Do not fail to use the words “condemn in the strongest terms”. Do not fail to make a demand.
For someone’s resignation or unconditional release. Your funders will be happy.
As a Christian or Muslim organisation, your role in a time of crisis is really simple. You must
remember your calling and the people you represent. When violent crisis breaks out with members of
another religion, you must begin by claiming that your people suffered more casualties and that you
will not accept this. Do not mention members of the other religion who died. They do not matter. They
may not even make heaven. Say that you will no longer fold your arms and watch these criminal
killings continue. Add that if the government doesn’t immediately do something, you may be forced to
look for your own solutions. Where possible, circulate videos and photos of the bodies of your
brethren who were slaughtered by members of the other religion. Do not talk about any reprisals your
own people have carried out.
Communication is important during a crisis. With these tips, together, whether as government,
journalists, NGOs or faith based organisations, I am sure that we can succeed, and that God, seeing
our hearts, will bless our hustle.
HOW TO CONDUCT A MEETING
A Nigerian meeting is not just an event. It is that sacred, multipurpose, indispensable tool for living
the Nigerian life. This is how to conduct a Nigerian meeting.
1
As a business owner, always call for meetings even for things you can do by email. Sometimes, meet
early in the morning for morning devotion to commit your business and hustle to the hands of God.
Meet to set the agenda for other meetings that will be held over the week. Meet to review previous
meetings.
Jobs are boring. You need a distraction. Meetings, especially ones with tea breaks, prevent you
from losing your mind and picking up a gun to shoot all your annoying colleagues like white people
do. White people need to have more meetings.
When going for a meeting, never arrive early. This will give the impression that you are jobless,
desperate or too eager. Nobody likes Nigerians who are jobless or too eager. A true Nigerian — not
one who is pretending to be white — will understand if you show up late for a meeting. They may
feign annoyance, but usually they will wait. In fact, the best of Nigerians will make excuses for you,
especially if you live in a place like Lagos. You will walk in late to a meeting, panting, with that faux
look of contrition and the person you are having a meeting with — if she is a good Nigerian — will
say: ‘Eiyah! Traffic abi?’ You will only have to nod or say something like: ‘No be small tin o.’
Everyone will be grateful that you showed up and the meeting will begin.
When you are having a big meeting with an “oga”, or an “oga-madam” it is safer to cancel all
other appointments for the day. Because the oga will saunter in three hours late and you will have to
smile and say ‘No, not at all!’ when she asks: ‘Did I keep you waiting?’
2
If you are an oga, you should never, ever show up for a meeting on time. This is Nigeria. People
disrespect ogas who don’t keep them waiting forever. They will think you are equals and before you
know it one ordinary person will call your name without adding Chief or Chief Mrs or Prof or
Honorable or Distinguished or Your Excellency. God forbid that after hustling to get those titles, some
idiot forgets to mention them. All because you came early to a meeting.
3
As a proper Nigerian whose father is God, you must commit all meetings to His hands. You may work
hard but it is God that is in charge of blessing your hustle. Never forget to say at least two prayers in
every meeting. One Christian, one Muslim. You never know which of the Gods will answer
favourably. It does not matter if you will be discussing how to steal from other people. God sees the
heart and he knows that deep down, all you want to do is succeed. And God helps those who help
themselves.
4
When it is your turn to speak at a meeting it is rude to go straight to the point. Proper Nigerians are
not rude. Below is a summary of how to speak at a Nigerian meeting:
a. Don’t be ungrateful. Thank the moderator for giving you the opportunity to speak. Begin by saying,
“I want to take this opportunity to thank…”
b. Don’t be disrespectful. Observe all protocol. People did not become highly placed by mistake. You
think becoming Chief or Chief (Mrs.) is a joke?
c. Show appreciation. Say how much it is a privilege for you to be at the meeting. Use the phrases
“singular honour” and “rare privilege”.
d. Show understanding. Explain how important the meeting is to you and to everyone present. Thank
the conveners for having the wisdom to organise the meeting.
e. Show regard for the last speaker. Use words like “just like the last speaker has said” or “I want to
concur with the last speaker” or “I totally agree with the last speaker” or “I want to align myself with
the last speaker”. Then proceed to say the same thing using your own words. It is important for
everyone to have a chance to speak at a meeting.
f. Be considerate. Promise not to speak too long with a phrase like: “I will not take much of your
time”, after which you can speak freely.
g. Always provide a summary of all you have just said. Use phrases like: “So, what have I just said?”
or “What am I trying to say?” to introduce your summary.
h. Be observant. If you still have more things to say and you sense that people are tired of hearing you
speak, use the words “In conclusion” to give them hope that you will soon end, after which you can
continue to speak freely. Hope is a great thing.
5
All meetings must end in a closing prayer. To avoid a fight however, take care to remember whether it
was a Christian prayer or Muslim prayer you began with. When you are not sure, do both prayers.
You do not want to annoy any children of the Nigerian God.
6
One last thing: Don’t forget that the only acceptable way of answering a phone call during a Nigerian
meeting is to shout: “Hello, please I am in a meeting, let me call you back.” People will smile, seeing
how important this meeting is to you.
I hope that this helps and that God will continue to bless your hustle as you conduct meetings.
HOW TO BE A CAR OWNER
You have crossed that awkward, deeply uncomfortable, sometimes shameful, social state of being
without a car. I mean, in some countries where the public transport system works, not having a car is
no big deal. But you are in Nigeria, where public transport is living hell, and owning a car can be the
difference between life and social death.
You had suffered the humiliation and attendant frustrations. You swore to yourself, after the girl
you came to a party with left in an air-conditioned car, that things must change. The Nigerian God felt
your pain, heard your cries of affliction and consequently, after much tithing and prayers, blessed your
hustle. Enough to buy your own car. I rejoice with you.
You have taken the car to the man of God and they have spent over an hour with the bonnet open,
anointing your car and protecting it against the spirit of accidents that those jealous neighbours and
village enemies are sure to send your way. That is fine. But you also need my advice.
Your car is not beautiful unless you have covered it in stickers. Get one from your church or
fellowship that declares this year to be your “year of anointing”, or your “year of unsurpassed
success”. If your wife or husband goes to a different church, get one from there too. You can never get
too many. Get one sticker that declares your child to be a Star Student. Let those with dull children
see it and regret that their wives didn’t take enough vitamins during pregnancy. Because of police on
the road, get either a Nigerian Bar Association sticker or an Army sticker. You don’t have to be a
lawyer or soldier to get them. Especially the NBA one — you can find that one in any court premises
for one or two hundred Naira.
Depending on how much God has blessed your hustle, get a customised plate number with your
name or nickname, such as TONY01; DE DON 01; DADDY K. The ‘01’ is useful even if you have
only one car. It just shows how much faith you have that more will come. Otherwise, depending on
your level of gratitude to God, you can use a nice Bible verse, like ISAIAH43:4 so that people can
know how precious you are in His eyes.
Now that you are a car owner, you need to realise that your status has changed. You need to treat
pedestrians with the disdain they deserve. It doesn’t matter that you were once a pedestrian crossing
these same streets. You must never think like a pedestrian and do silly things like observing zebra
crossings. Those white lines are there to beautify the road. Speed across them and curse anyone who
tries to get in your way.
Your neighbours need to feel your presence. They need to see just how your hustle has been
blessed. Every morning, remind them by “warming” your car. This process involves waking up at 6
a.m. and revving your car engine loudly until the neighbours wake up to the evidence of your blessed
hustle.
You bought the car with your hard-earned cash. And that includes the car horns. Those who call
your right to honk noise pollution, God will judge them appropriately and truncate their hustle. In fact,
if you ask me, because of how important it is, your right to use your horn indiscriminately should be
constitutionally guaranteed. Honk in the morning when your wife is wasting your time inside and you
need her to hurry up. Honk when you see your neighbours. Honk in a traffic jam even though you are
sure this will not make the cars miraculously move. Honk instead of slowing down when you are
approaching a junction or intersection. Honk when you are angry. And when you are happy. There are
few things as useful in a car as the horn.
At night, it is important that you see the road clearly. Nigerian roads are dark and dangerous, so
you must use your full lights at all times. It doesn’t matter if you are blinding oncoming vehicles. Is it
your fault that the government is not doing their job?
Other things you will learn on the job as a car owner include how to double park, how to drive
against traffic on the highway, how to create multiple lanes in a traffic jam, how to beat traffic lights,
how to stop in the middle of the road to say hello to a long lost friend, how to litter the street with
wrappers of plantain chips bought in a hold-up, all of which every true and experienced Nigerian
driver is adept at doing. I trust you will catch up quickly.
Once again I rejoice with you and may God keep blessing your hustle.
WORKING CLASS, WORKING HARD
HOW TO USE A BUSINESS CARD
The word “business” is a cliché, the relevance of which has attained gargantuan proportions in
Nigeria. Business meetings — anything from seeing an ex-girlfriend that one has sworn to his current
girlfriend or wife that he is not sleeping with, to paying your carpenter for the side stool he fixed —
are sacred. Business partners typically have the most intense form of relationship. “Businessman” or
“Businesswoman” is the nebulously omnibus job description that solves the problem of having to
explain why one is idle or why one has so much money without any visible or legal source of income.
Being “into business” can mean anything from importing cheap substandard goods from China to
having a rich generous lover. Some statistics say that the majority of Nigerians are into agriculture.
That is a blatant lie. The majority of Nigerians are into “business”. Now, you may be forgiven if you
don’t have an actual business in Nigeria. But it is a mortal sin not to have a business card, otherwise
known as complimentary card or just card.
It goes beyond sinning to not have a business card. It is an existential issue of the highest degree.
It questions your identity as a Nigerian. Recently I have been going about my normal business, pun
intended, without a business card. When I say I don’t want children, people greet me with surprise.
But when I say I have no business card (not that I have run out of cards) they greet me with horror. I
get the you-are-an-evil-alien-that-deserves-to-die look. That look isn’t nice. You don’t want to lie in
bed wondering why bad things happen to good people. To avoid this, you must understand the
business of business cards.
Whether you are a “General Contractor” or “Friend of His Excellency the Executive Governor”,
the business card can prove to be more important than the business. Consequently, you must take care
in its production. A floppy, dull-looking card can be an instant business death sentence. Your card
precedes you. Many times that will be the only contact you will make. Make it nice, firm, glossy. Or
gold-embossed if you have anything to do with His Excellency, the President or His Excellency, the
Executive Governor
Make sure you have at least three phone numbers on the card. This shows you have at least three
phones. No self-respecting business Nigerian takes this for granted. True, one of the phones may be a
cheap China dual-sim phone but nobody can tell — three numbers show you don’t muck around with
your business. It is not your fault that not a single network provider in Nigeria can be relied upon.
Whoever criticises your three phones, may their own businesses collapse.
You need titles. Every academic qualification must be clearly printed. If you are a lawyer for
example it is not enough to write your name and call yourself a legal practitioner. That is a waste of
space on a business card. You need to add Barrister in front of your name and Esq behind. Then you
must add LLB (Hons), BL and any other acronym you have acquired including all those management
and arbitration courses they advertised to you in Law School and during NYSC. Below all of this you
will write out your full title: Barrister and Solicitor of the Supreme Court of the Federal Republic of
Nigeria. Only another bad-belle lawyer can fail to see the significance of all of this.
You must keep your business cards handy. You never know when you will run into someone rich,
