Elnathan John, page 12
However, hold your return ticket just in case as there is no in-flight entertainment on flights specially
meant for deportation.
Again, the U.S. makes it shockingly easy to purchase a gun. Even a person with a record of crime
or mental illness can buy a gun. They love guns. This means that someone who hates Mondays can
walk out of his or her house and go on a shooting spree in a school. The Federal Government cannot
explain Americans’ love for guns. Be vigilant at all times. Someone whose girlfriend broke up with
them may just shoot you.
Violent crimes occur throughout the country. Law enforcement authorities usually respond harshly
especially when you are black (again it does not matter how light-skinned you are). A word is enough
for the wise.
TRAVEL ADVICE FOR NIGERIANS GOING TO THE UK
The Federal Republic of Nigeria, aware of the strategic importance of the United Kingdom’s health
care system to the survival of its political class and elite, but equally aware of its general duty to
Nigerians travelling to the United Kingdom, reluctantly offers the following travel advice, without
prejudice to its gratitude and dependence.
The United Kingdom is addicted to knives. Knife attacks and stabbings can happen suddenly and
without warning, on busses, on trains, in the streets, in parks, in hotels. Do not carry a knife on you for
any reason and if you have to purchase a kitchen knife, do so quickly, carry it in a bag and have your
receipt on hand to show it to the police.
The United Kingdom is the spiritual home of football hooliganism and large groups of inebriated
young men — often with no hope for the future and a total dependence on this way of life for any self-
respect — go about armed with the crudest of tools on match days looking for a fight. Avoid large
groups of British men, especially when they are singing songs.
Football supporters are the equivalent of gang members, so carefully research what area you
wear which football jersey to. If you can, avoid football jerseys altogether.
Credible information received by the Federal Government indicates that terrorist groups continue
to plot possible attacks in Europe. All European countries remain potentially vulnerable to attacks
from transnational terrorist organisations. The UK Security Service, commonly known as MI5,
publishes specific reasons for any changes in the threat level and recommended actions for the public
via its UK threat levels website. While this may seem to pale in comparison to terrorist threats in
Nigeria like Boko Haram or herdsmen or corrupt politicians, the Federal Government must WARN
Nigerians against being overconfident. Death is death, whether by Boko Haram bombs or by a
terrorist who eats fish and chips.
The Federal Government wants to warn in detail about the potential for isolated violence related
to the political situation in Northern Ireland. But really why would any Nigerian need to be in
Northern Ireland? In short, don’t go there. The ability of the Federal Government to help those who
end up there remains severely limited.
Avoid areas of demonstrations if possible, and be careful within the vicinity of demonstrations or
the vicinity of pubs. The British drink and they drink until they get violent. Even demonstrations
intended to be peaceful can turn confrontational and possibly escalate to violence. Stay current with
media coverage of local events and be aware of your surroundings.
Big cities in the UK are a bit like Lagos. So:
Be cautious and aware of your surroundings. Not every black person is your brother.
Be vigilant: pickpocketing, “snatch and grab” theft of mobile phones, watches and jewellery can
occur. Like in Lagos. The only thing that doesn’t happen here is stealing of private parts.
Be alert to other criminal schemes, such as impostors posing as undercover police officers and
“fining” tourists for bogus minor offences. A legitimate Metropolitan Police Services officer will
never demand an immediate cash payment. This is not Nigeria.
When you catch a thief you are not allowed to beat them to death, unlike in Nigeria. You may
restrain them while they are doing the stealing but no, you can’t kill them. The Federal Government
will not offer assistance if you choose to commit murder.
Use only licensed Black Cabs or pre-ordered car services (minicabs). Unlicensed taxis or
private cars posing as taxis may offer low fares, but in some instances, travellers have been robbed
or sexually assaulted while using these cars. The Safer Travel at Night partnership among the
Metropolitan Police, Transport for London, and the Mayor of London maintains a website with
additional information on cabs and car services.
Avoid using ATMs that look temporary in structure or location or are located in isolated areas —
they may not be legitimate. Use ATMs located inside a bank branch.
Scams: Before sending any money to individuals you have never met in person, visit the
Embassy’s UK website for more information about internet financial scams and how to protect
yourself. Financial crimes conducted over the internet have increased dramatically in the United
Kingdom as scammers attempt to convince you to send them money. (It would be a real shame for a
Nigerian to be scammed in the UK!)
COMMON NIGERIAN PHRASES AND EXPRESSIONS
“I want your honest opinion” = Keep your unflattering opinions to yourself. Shower me with praise
and adulation. Preferably something I can quote.
“I am coming” (except when said during intercourse) = I am leaving. Goodbye.
“I am almost there” = When I finish heating the water to take my bath I will run just one small errand
and then head to where you are.
“With all due respect” = I am about to go to great lengths to undermine, insult and disrespect you.
Please don’t act like a child and take it personally.
“I will not take much of your time” = Forgive me and my insensitivity. Brace yourself for a long and
rambling speech.
“I will be brief” = You are about to regret letting me speak. This will last a long time.
“I don’t want to repeat what has just been said” = I am about to repeat what has just been said.
“Laps” = Lap.
“God-willing/ By the grace of God/Insha Allah” = These expressions have no known meaning. It is
safe to disregard.
“I concur” = I pretend to agree. But it is important to allow me to use another set of words to say the
same thing.
“To God who made me/ I swear to God” = My only witness in this matter is busy in heaven. So I
might as well lie to you.
“Wetin you born?” = Tell me the gender of your child so that I can formulate an appropriate response.
e.g. “Eiya”, “Is that?” or “Praise God”.
“Who do you think you are?” = Quickly establish if you are or know someone who can cause great
suffering in my life, so I know whether to fight you or leave you in the hands of God.
“Do you know who I am?” = Do you realise that I could know or be someone in government who can
cause great suffering in your life?
“Why you dey do like woman?” = This is inappropriate for a male human. (More recently= dude, you
are gay).
“Moks”= Mosque.
“Aks”= Ask.
“Dress” = Move over/ Make space for me.
“Where are you from/What tribe are you?” = There is no time to waste. I need to know quickly if I
should trust or hate you.
“Severally (as in, I called you severally)” = Several times.
“I am a detribalised Nigerian” = I do not peddle my hatred for other tribes in public.
“Tea” = This includes most instant beverages that are drunk in the morning, e.g. Bournvita, Milo,
Coffee.
“Omo” = Powder Detergent. There are different types of omo e.g. Ariel, So Klin, Omo.
“Maggi” = Seasoning cubes. There are different types of maggi e.g. Knorr, Royco, Maggi.
Transforming a manuscript into the book you are now reading is a team effort. Cassava Republic
Press would like to thank everyone who helped in the production of Be(com)ing Nigerian: A Guide
Editorial
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Sales & Marketing
Publicity
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Our efforts would also be fruitless without our buyers and readers who continue to support and
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About the Author
Elnathan John is one of Nigeria’s most well-known contemporary satirists. He has twice been
shortlisted for the prestigious Caine Prize for African Writing (2013 & 2015). His writing has been
published in Per Contra, Evergreen Review and Chimurenga’s The Chronic . His debut novel, Born
on a Tuesday , won a Betty Trask Award in 2017 and was shortlisted for the Nigeria Prize for
Literature. He is a judge for the 2019 Man Booker International Prize.
Copyright
First published in 2019 by Cassava Republic Press
Abuja – London
First published in the USA in 2020 by Cassava Republic Press
Copyright © Elnathan John 2019
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transported in any form or by any means
(electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher of this book.
The moral right of Elnathan John to be identified as the Author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright,
Designs and Patents Act 1988.
Some parts of this book have previously appeared in different forms in Daily Trust Newspapers, ZAM Magazine, Daily Times of Nigeria,
The Guardian (UK) and The Africa Report.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the National Library of Nigeria and British Library.
ISBN: 978–1–911115–96–0
eISBN: 978–1–911115–97–7
Book design by Tobi Ajiboye
Cover & Art Direction by Seyi Adegoke
Printed and bound in Nigeria
Distributed in Nigeria by Yellow Danfo
Distributed in the UK by Central Books Ltd.
Distributed in the US by Consortium Books
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Document Outline
Title Page
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Table of Contents
INTRODUCTION In The Beginning…
SPIRITUAL How To Worship The Nigerian God
How To Be A Pastor
How To Fly Private To The Glory Of God
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH How To Be Sick
How To Die
TEMPORAL How To Show Love
How To Own A Slave
How To Communicate In Times Of Crises
How To Conduct A Meeting
How To Be A Car Owner
WORKING CLASS, WORKING HARD How To Use A Business Card
How To Identify A Middle Class Nigerian
How To Be A Mechanic
How To Be A Nigerian Writer
How To Be A Journalist
How To Be A Kidnapper
LAW AND LAW ENFORCEMENT How To Be A Lawyer
How To Be A Police Officer
POLITRICKING How To Be A Politician
How To Be First Lady
How To Be An Opposition Politician
INTERNATIONAL CONNECTIONS How To Get Foreign Friends
How To Be A Good African
SAVIOURS LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL How To Run A Nigerian NGO
How To Be A Black Saviour
WHEN IN NIGERIA… NOTES FOR THE FOREIGNER IN NIGERIA How To Be An Expatriate In Nigeria
Tips For The Foreign Journalist Covering Nigerian Elections
APPENDIX AND TRAVEL ADVICE Travel Advice For Nigerians Going To The U.S.
Travel Advice For Nigerians Going To The UK
Common Nigerian Phrases And Expressions
About the Author
Copyright
Zamzar, Elnathan John
