The Woods, page 10
“And is she okay about the house being sold already?”
“Do you really think Julia cares what happens to the house? She and Dad split up nearly twelve years ago. She’s glad we’re finally able to get rid of it. All she cares about right now is seeing Jack again before she dies.”
“Do you think he’ll come back?” I want him to say no.
Sean frowns. “I’ll drag him back if I have to.”
I flinch and pull a face. Fucking Jack.
“What’s your problem?” There’s a sharpness in Sean’s voice I know I deserve. “I know he was a bit of a dick back then but, come on, it’s been ten years. You teach hundreds of obnoxious teenagers—surely you can handle Jack now? He’s nearly thirty. Christ, we’re all nearly thirty.”
He’s right. Why do I have this fear, almost panic, at the thought of Jack? Lena was as obnoxious back then as Jack, but I didn’t have that same fear when I saw her. Irritation, yes. Exasperation, even, but not fear.
“Because he made my life a misery back then, he really did. How much can he have changed? He’s going to come back and…and…upset Julia, I know he is. Because he’s…” I pause, take a breath. “I’m sorry, I know he’s your brother, but…it’s not even just him—it’s both of you. Ever since we met you, it’s like you were surrounded by death. Ellie, Bella—even Nicole. First your little sister, then Nicole—and I know Jack was with Nicole. And Bella, was he with her too? Or was that you?”
“What exactly are you saying, Tess? What exactly are you accusing us of?”
“I’m not. I’m sorry.” I swallow. “But please don’t—” That weird panic is back, building in my gut. “Please don’t bring him back. He’ll upset her. It’s what he does. He’ll upset everyone.”
He frowns. “So despite the apology, we’re still the bad guys? Still unwelcome in the Cooper household. Well, it’s not about you, is it? It’s not about what you want.” He pauses, sighs. “Never mind. You should be getting inside. It’s dark. Getting late.”
“What about you? Are you staying with us or…?”
“You don’t want me staying with you, not really.” He glances back at the house. “I’ll go back to Dean House. I have my sleeping bag, a flashlight. One last night.”
I shiver. I’d never spend the night there. I should ask him back into the house again. I should insist. I open my mouth and close it again. I can’t.
He’s right. Deep down, where that fluttering panic lives, they’re still the bad guys.
Chapter 12
I have to tell you, Tess. I have to tell you have to tell you…
I wake with a gasp, Bella’s voice, barely heard above the roar of a storm, still echoing in my head. I’m shaking, not in my bed. Christ. I’m in the hallway, my hand on the latch of the front door. I’m sleepwalking? I pull my hand away, fingers stiff and sore. Oh God, the door is unlatched. If I hadn’t woken up, would I have gone outside in my pajamas, gone wandering off still asleep? I rub my face. It’s cold, but my forehead is damp with sweat and my heart is pounding.
“Tess?” It’s Dad’s voice, pitched low. He’s at the top of the stairs, bathrobe on.
“It’s okay, Dad,” I whisper. “I…I couldn’t sleep. I came down for some tea. Go back to sleep.”
I have to wait a moment after he goes before I can force my trembling legs to move. What was that? Was it a dream that sent me down here, trying to escape the house? To go where? Or was it a memory? Not as vivid a vision as when I dreamed Bella back alive in my flat, but Bella’s yelling voice—I have to tell you…It hurts my stomach and makes my head throb. Was that real? From the night she died?
I look at the clock on the wall. It’s four a.m. I’m not even going to try to go back to sleep now. I rub my hand across my mouth. I can taste vomit, sour in my throat. God, this place, being back here, what is it doing to me?
Ten o’clock and I’m sitting in the kitchen, nursing a fourth cup of tea, showered and dressed.
“Dad?” I say as he comes in, reaching for the teapot. “I need to go back for a couple of days—I have a meeting at work.” My voice wobbles on the last words. I finally called Karen back, arranged to call in at school today at five. Well after all the kids will have left for the day. Karen’s suggestion.
Dad smiles and squeezes my hand. “Of course. It’s okay—Julia’s stable at the moment. You know, if they need you at work, that’s okay too. If you came back again this weekend…”
I shake my head. “It’s fine. I’ve arranged things. I’ll be back tomorrow.”
I’m going back with Max. Lena left yesterday on the train and I haven’t seen Sean since our argument outside the house.
“I have my meeting today, then I’m seeing Sophie, and I’ll be back on the train tomorrow morning.”
“It’s so good of you to do this—taking all this time off.”
I feel guilty about not telling him the truth, letting him think I’m making some huge sacrifice, taking unpaid leave. But the truth will make him worry, and Christ knows he doesn’t need more worry at the moment. Which is why I’m also not telling him I was on the phone with the doctor as soon as it opened, making an emergency appointment. I frightened myself with the sleepwalking. I can’t be here for Dad and Julia if I’m scared to close my eyes at night.
“I’ll do a big shop when I get back—cook that chicken casserole you love.”
His face lights up for a moment. “Julia loves that, too. It might encourage her to eat.”
“Tess? You ready?” Max pops his head through the door.
I nod. “I’ll be right there.” I lean forward and kiss Dad on the cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? Ring me if anything…if you need anything.”
Lost in thought as we set off, it takes me a while to notice Max seems as preoccupied as I am. A sideways glance takes in the frown on his face, his hands white-knuckled on the steering wheel.
“Are you okay? You seem a bit down,” I say as we pull onto the highway.
“I’m okay. A bit weirded out by the Dean House sale, I guess.”
I raise my eyebrows and he looks across at me. “I know, I know. It’s not my house, I haven’t been back there in forever but…”
“But?”
“You know we’ve known Jack and Sean forever, right? We used to live three streets apart when we were little kids. But childhood friends grow apart, it’s natural—we had nothing in common apart from our parents being friends.” He pauses to change lanes.
“Then Mum and Dad moved abroad for Dad’s job and they shoved me in the same boarding school as Jack and Sean. We never hung out in the same group and I didn’t even have Lena to balance things out. And then on school holidays, we’d go visit Mum and Dad for a couple of weeks in the summer and then get shunted off to Julia and Greg. We never used to see Jack and Sean—they had their own lives, their own friends.”
Did I even notice this back then? They came as a package, Jack and Sean and Max and Lena. I saw them as a unit. But—is that why Max stood out to me, beyond the obvious? Because I sensed he was the odd one out as much as I was?
“But when they bought Dean House and moved to your village, things were different,” Max says. “Jack and Sean didn’t have their old gangs or places to go. Jack and Lena used to moan about how boring it was, but I loved it—the beach, the woods, God, even those discos up at the amusement park, remember? Coming here…we all hung out together and it felt like a proper holiday. I used to look forward to school holidays again, meeting you and Bella. I guess what I’m feeling now is like someone’s sold my favorite holiday house out from under me. I know it’s silly.”
“No, I get that.” I glance over at him. “Sean thought you might be upset over them having Greg declared legally dead.”
“Right,” he says after a pause. “I am, of course. It was a bit of a shock, that’s all.”
He lapses back into silence for a few more minutes. It’s good Max is driving—the road slips and slides in front of me, stretching and contracting. I’m hoping I might get some proper sleep tonight, away from the village, that this new insomnia has to do with being back home. I haven’t slept for more than a couple of hours for nearly a week now. My eyelids get heavy and I feel myself drifting off.
“Hey, listen,” he says, pulling me awake again. “Enough brooding. When we get there, why don’t we have dinner and catch up? With everything that’s been going on, it seems like we’ve hardly spoken.”
Ten years ago, I would have done anything to hear him ask me out for dinner, caught up in the agonies of first love. But ten years ago, I had a sister and something approaching a normal life. Max is all tied up in the horror of what had happened and I don’t know how to unpack it all. I don’t know whether he sees any of that in my face but he smiles and shakes his head.
“Sorry—forget I said anything. Bad timing, I know. Our moment got missed, I think.”
Moment? Did we ever have a moment?
“It’s not that. I’ve arranged to have a drink with my friend, that’s all.”
I haven’t thought much about Max. I haven’t allowed myself to think about him. But, equally, now that he’s back, I don’t want him to disappear. I don’t want to stop thinking about him again.
“But I’d love to have dinner,” I say. “Why don’t you come with me to meet Sophie? We can eat afterward and if it gets too late, you can stay at my place—I have a sofa bed.”
“So Sophie, your friend, she’s another teacher?”
“That’s right. I met her on my first day in the job and we hit it off right away. She’s fab—you’ll love her.”
He shakes his head. “You know, I never pictured you as a teacher. When Julia told me…actually, that’s not entirely true. I could imagine you as a primary school teacher. I remember how great you were with Ellie.”
“Yeah, well, she was a great little girl. Easy to love.”
“Yeah. But secondary-school kids? Classes full of Seans and Jacks and Nicoles? Why put yourself through it?”
“It was…oh, I don’t know. After Bella died and everything that happened, I stopped gardening, I didn’t want to do it anymore and I was…lost, I guess. I fixated on teaching because that’s what Bella said she was going to do.”
“Bella? Teaching? Come on! I thought she was going to art college to do photography?”
I sigh. “I think she got disillusioned. Decided she didn’t have the talent to make that a career. And actually, I think Bella would have made a great teacher. Better than me, anyway.”
“That’s kind of sad. How both of you gave up on your dreams.”
I shrug. “We were only kids, really. Kids change their minds day to day on what they want to do with their lives.” I smile. “And it’s never too late, is it? I’m only twenty-six, nothing’s set in stone.”
“Thinking of ditching the teaching and running off to dig borders for a living?”
Does he have to sound so patronizing?
“Why not?” I say it lightly. “I’m sure there are courses I could do. Or maybe I’ll follow Bella’s other path and take some photography classes.”
He laughs and shakes his head. “God, she used to be a pain with that camera of hers, didn’t she? Always sneaking up and taking candid shots of us all.” He glances at me. “I’d love to see those photos again, wouldn’t you? I wonder what happened to her camera.”
I open my mouth to tell him Sean found it, that it’s currently shoved in a cupboard in my childhood home waiting for me to develop the film, but he hasn’t finished.
“She was taking photos a couple of days before the wedding, I remember,” he says. “She took a couple of…embarrassing ones I didn’t want shown around.” The frown is back on his face.
I’d forgotten about the camera in the last couple of days. I must get that film developed. I bite my lip. What could possibly be so embarrassing that Max still remembers it now?
“I never found it after she died,” I say. Not strictly a lie. I’m not sure why I’m keeping it quiet that Sean has found the camera—I think I just want to see these embarrassing photos for myself before sharing. With anyone.
We stop for coffee and I have to lean against the car for a moment as we get out. The sun’s glare hurts my eyes, needles of pain digging in, getting inside my head. It’s like the world’s worst hangover.
“Tess? You okay?”
“Sorry. I’m…not sleeping at the moment. Being back in the village and all the worry about Julia, you know?”
He touches my arm. “Come on, let’s get you some coffee.”
“You go on and get them; I’m going to splash some cold water on my face.”
Hidden away in the bathroom, I take two Tylenol, washing them down with water scooped up in my hand. But even the coldest water on my face can’t wake me up, and in the fluorescent light of the restroom I look terrible, skin so pale it looks gray, eyes red-rimmed and black-shadowed. I look thinner than I did last week, when my dead sister stepped out of my dreams and into my flat. I blink and see a reflection of the door swinging shut. I didn’t notice anyone come in or out, didn’t see anyone standing next to me at the mirrors. How long did I zone out for?
Max drops me at the school and arranges to meet me later at the pub with Sophie. I take a deep breath as I walk toward Karen’s office, trying to quell the rising flutter of nerves. Last week—what I did to Rebecca Martin—it doesn’t seem real. It doesn’t seem real that it’s been less than a week since I was teaching here. One weekend at home and the rest of my life seems an eternity away.
“I’m sorry, Tess, but we’ve had to let you go. What you did, it was gross misconduct, so we have no choice other than instant dismissal.” Karen doesn’t bother with small talk and I’m glad.
“It’s okay. I knew this would happen.”
“I know you’re going through a lot with your stepmother, but there was nothing else the school could do.”
“I’m so sorry, Karen. I’m so, so sorry for what I did. I honestly…I don’t understand why I lost it like I did. I have no excuses and I totally understand you have to fire me.”
Karen sighs and leans back in her seat. “I think we’ve convinced the Martins not to go to the police with this. It’s all we can do for you, I’m afraid.”
A sliver of relief slips through me. “Thank you.”
She shakes her head. “I wish I understood what you did as well, Tess. We’ve collected your things.” She nods at a small box on the desk in front of her. “You realize you can’t come back onto school grounds after this, don’t you?”
There’s a touch of anger in her voice and I bow my head. How much trouble have I caused the school?
“I’m sorry,” I say again, picking up the box.
She follows me to the door. “I hope…I hope you sort things out.”
I feel tears burning at the back of my eyes as I walk through the empty corridors, a half-empty box in my arms.
Someone gets out of a black car in the parking lot as I walk toward the main gates.
“There you are—we’ve been waiting for you to come slinking back.”
Oh, I really can’t deal with this now. I glance up toward Karen’s office window, but the blinds are down.
“What do you want, Mr. Martin?”
“What do I want? You attack my daughter, go into hiding, and you’re asking what do I want?”
“I’m not going to discuss this with you now.” I juggle the box in my arms as it threatens to fall.
“Fired you, have they?” Mr. Martin says, staring at the box. He’s not a big man, but he’s blocking my path, all self-righteous anger shining bright on his red face. Has he been sitting outside the school all day, waiting for me to come back? How close to the edge is he? I can’t reach my phone to call the police without dropping the box and alerting him and we’re too far from the school building for anyone to hear if I call for help.
“I said, I’m not going to discuss this now. You need to be home taking care of your daughter.”
He freezes. “Don’t you tell me what to do with my own kid—it’s you she needs protecting from, you stupid bitch.”
“No,” I say through gritted teeth. “It’s not me she needs protecting from. Don’t you care that some man is sending her bloody photos of himself naked? Don’t you care that he asked her out when she was fourteen fucking years old? You were told all this, but all you seem to care about is getting one over on me and the school. It’s not me she needs protecting from, it’s the forty-year-old man sending her pornographic photos.”
I realize he’s shaking, all the red-faced swagger gone.
“Get out of my way. And don’t you dare come near me again or it’ll be me going to the police. You’ll be on the school CCTV.”
He stands back and stares at me, shaking his head. “You’re insane. Fucking insane.”
God, how did this get so complicated? That time I saw those pictures on Rebecca’s phone, it was instinct that made me take it. She was laughing and bragging about having sex with some forty-year-old, but I saw something else in her face; I saw the shadow of Nicole Wallace and Annie Weston and Bella and me. I saw me in her face. And I wanted…I wanted to protect her, that was all.
My foot’s bouncing and I can’t seem to keep it still. I can see the others in the doctor’s waiting room watching me. They probably think I’ve found a lump. Or I’m bleeding from somewhere I shouldn’t. But it’s not me that won’t stop bleeding. God, I don’t know what I’m going to say. I made tea in my sleep and had a conversation with my dead sister. My stepmother is dying and I threatened to throw a student out of the window. I’ve barely slept for a week and, when I do, I nearly sleepwalk my way out of the house. Every way I look at it I sound crazy. I probably look crazy right now.
It wasn’t an accident, Bella whispers as I wait to get called in, and I shake my head to get rid of her voice. No, not her voice. My voice. My subconscious.
