Gus had given Jack the key to the house just in case. When he took Josh home, he assured Jack, "Don't worry. I'll show you where everything is. Do you have a toothbrush? Do you have your pajamas?"

  "I've slept over before," Jack reminded him.

  "I know. But I want you to like it here, so you'll want to stay with us all the time," Josh said.

  Jack was so touched, he could only smile. He felt like his heart was full.

  Jack had a few things to put away so he headed to the bedrooms. He saw that Brenda's things were in the only guest room. Since he was going to be there only one or two nights, Jack decided not to bother with it. He would sleep in Gus's bed like he always did. OK, he might have had other reasons as well. He missed Gus terribly. He wasn't sure if sleeping in his bed would make that better or worse. Probably both.

  Before coming home, he and Josh had dinner at the bistro so Jack didn't have to worry about his limited cooking skills. He was hoping they would be able to Skype with Gus that evening, but they had to settle for a phone call.

  Josh was happy to get to talk to his dad. "Is Uncle Liam going to be OK?"

  "The doctors are taking good care of him," Gus told him.

  Josh talked to him for a while then gave the phone to Jack.

  "He's still holding on," Gus told Jack when he asked about Liam. "They have him on a ventilator. We're hoping he'll start breathing on his own. I know he will. He's strong. How is Josh doing?" Gus asked. He sounded tired and on edge.

  "He's being brave. I'll do my best to keep him distracted," Jack said, but he knew Gus couldn't help but worry about his little boy. "I wish there was something I could do for you, or at least that I could hold you."

  "It's good to know you're over there taking care of things. I'm glad you're staying with Josh. Don't let him boss you around."

  "I don't know about that, but I'll try not to let him worry too much," Jack said.

  "I know you can do it. Oh God, it's so good to hear your voice," Gus said suddenly.

  Jack felt the same way. Hearing his voice from so far away made Jack long to touch him like never before. Their separation was almost physically painful. At the same time, he felt a connection like Gus could never be so far away that he was out of his reach. If he closed his eyes, he could feel the stubble on his jaw in the morning when Jack would brush his hand over it. Then he would skim his hands lower over his chest and feel Gus's nipples hardening under his fingertips.

  When he hung up, Jack wanted to laugh at how mixed up he was. He felt both his absence and his presence in every fiber of his being. That's what Gus did to him. Even with him gone, Jack could see his life taking shape, becoming what he always wanted.

  After the phone call, Jack tried to shake off the sound of Gus's voice and do some work. Josh watched a cartoon in the living room. Sitting at the dining room table, Jack listened to Josh laugh every few minutes. It was a sweet sound that made Jack smile.

  A little later, Josh came up to him. "You work a lot, don't you?"

  "I'll stop for a little while," Jack told him. "What would you like to do?"

  "Let's play a game," Josh said and pulled out a box from under the living room sofa.

  Opening it up, Josh introduced him to a made up game using the leftover pieces from a few different games and two game boards. The rules as Josh explained them were incomprehensible. As they played, Jack wasn't quite sure what the point of the game was, but Josh assured him that he was losing.

  "You're a good loser," Josh praised him. "Dad tries to cheat and steal my pieces when I'm not looking, but I always catch him."

  After the game, Josh wanted to look at New Zealand on the globe. He took Jack by the hand and pulled him to his room. The globe was on his desk next to toys, his books and papers from school.

  "Dad showed me where he was going," Josh said. He took a little while to find New Zealand. "Dad is here."

  Jack pointed out Wellington to him and told him, "That's the city where your dad is. I've never been there, but I did go here, to Auckland. It's warm there and there are a lot of big buildings." Inside those buildings was where Jack had spent most of his time. He remembered looking at the view of the harbor, wanting to spend some time on the water, then turning his eyes back to business.

  "Where else did you go?" Josh wanted to know.

  Jack pointed to Melbourne then to Kyoto and Yokohama. He let his finger tap a few other places in Europe and South America where he had been, mostly on business.

  "You've been everywhere!" Josh said in astonishment.

  "Not everywhere," Jack told him, but Josh was still impressed.

  Jack wished he had done more during his travels so he would have some stories to tell Josh. Most of his trips were spent in conference rooms, restaurants, and hotel rooms, with his eyes glued to a computer screen instead of the scenery.

  As Jack kicked himself for the missed opportunities, he noticed that Josh had grown thoughtful as well. The little guy stared at New Zealand on the globe for a long while. It was like Josh was willing everyone there to be OK.

  That's when they saw lightning and heard thunder crash a few seconds later. Josh jumped and made a small, frightened sound. The thunder wasn't very loud, but Josh drew closer to Jack and stared wide-eyed out his window.

  In the dark, Jack hadn't seen the storm coming. Another lightning strike lit up the night, and Josh clutched at Jack's arm. Just before thunder crashed again, Jack covered Josh's ears.

  Rain was falling hard now as Jack and Josh sat on his bed.

  "Too close," Josh said when the interval between the flash of lightning and the sound of thunder was only a few seconds.

  Jack offered him his hand. "I think it would make me feel better if you held my hand," he said to Josh.

  "OK," Josh said and took Jack's hand. He kept on a very serious expression as he waited for the next sequence of lightning and thunder. After a while the lightning and thunder got further apart. The next ones were even more distant and faint.

  "It sounds like it's moving away," Jack said.

  Josh agreed with a nod. When all they could hear was the soft patter of rain, Josh breathed an exaggerated sigh of relief.

  "How did I do?" Jack asked him.

  "You did good. You didn't get scared at all."

  "I knew we were safe."

  "I knew we were safe too," Josh said despite his earlier fear.

  It was close to Josh's bedtime. He got into his pajamas and brushed his teeth, but Jack could tell he didn't want to be alone in his bedroom after the storm. Jack let him sit and watch TV with him for a while. When he saw him start to nod off, he took him to his bedroom. By then it was well past his bedtime, and it didn't take him long to fall asleep.

  Chapter 19

  Next day Gus called early. It was midnight in New Zealand. Josh had only just woken up. This time they were able to Skype, and Josh was excited to see his dad.

  "Your Uncle Liam is doing better," Gus told him.

  Josh cheered and hugged Jack.

  "Where's Uncle Liam?" Josh asked, leaning in toward the image of his dad on the laptop screen. "Can I see him?"

  "He's sleeping right now. But I'll tell him you said hi," Gus told him. "Are you taking good care of Jack?"

  "I am. I'm making him play and not just work all the time, and I'm not letting him skip dinner."

  "That's my good boy. You miss me?" Gus asked.

  "Lots and lots and lots and lots. And Jack misses you too. He was looking at your handsome picture," Josh tattled.

  Gus laughed while Jack tried not to look guilty. Josh had already told Jack that Gus called the photo of him in an expensive black suit his handsome picture. Gus was younger then, and he did look stunning in that photo. The look in his eyes was sharp, both a warning and an invitation. If Jack didn't already know he was trouble, that brazen look would have told him so.

  When he spoke to Gus from the bedroom so they could have some private time, Gus filled him in on Liam's condition.

  "He's off the ventilator, breathing on his own. He's not awake yet, but he will be," Gus said. He looked and sounded so relieved.

  "That's so good to hear," Jack told him.

  "I miss those eyes," Gus said as he gazed at Jack. "I've been looking at pictures of you on my phone every chance I get, but this is better. I wish I could kiss you right now."

  "Me too."

  "And what else would you want to do to me?" Gus asked in a teasing voice.

  "I'll tell you when you come back."

  "You're sleeping in my bed, right?" Gus asked.

  "Yes. I didn't want to disturb Brenda's stuff," Jack told him.

  "I'm sure that was the reason," Gus said in a "who are you kidding?" tone. Then his voice got thick. "Seeing you just makes me greedy. I want to touch you and feel your body heat up while I kiss and grope you."

  "You look tired," Jack noticed. He knew that Gus wouldn't be taking care of himself and that made him worry.

  "Is that your way of cutting me down to size?" Gus asked.

  "It's my way of telling you to rest."

  Gus smiled weakly. "I can't sleep. I just need to know Liam is going to be OK." Gus rubbed his hand over his tired face.

  "There's been improvement. And there'll be more," Jack told him. He wanted to reach through the screen and hold him.

  "When I see Liam like that, I want to yell at him, 'Shake it off. You're a Dwyer. So what if half a building fell on you.'"

  "I think that's against medical advice."

  "The doctors are impressed with how he's doing," Gus said. "I'm just judging him more harshly because I know what kind of man he is."

  "Don't push yourself. Get some rest," Jack urged him.

  "Is that an order?" The look on Gus's face promised trouble.

  "If you want it to be," Jack said.

  "I'm going to fantasize so hard about you," Gus threatened.

  "Save it for when you can show me and get some sleep instead."

  Jack hated to end the call. Closing his eyes, he conjured up Gus in bed with him. He indulged himself only for a moment. There was a whole day ahead of him.

  His plan was to take Josh out for breakfast and maybe to a movie before they went to the bistro. That would serve to keep him busy and keep him fed. Jack did look up some recipes for healthy, nutritious meals he might make for dinner, but they scared him.

  That night was Jack's second night staying with Josh. Josh had been in bed for a while, and Jack had made sure he was sound asleep before he went to do some work in the dining room. Close to midnight, he heard Josh puttering around.

  Jack found him in the hallway, peering into Gus's bedroom.

  "Why are you awake?" Jack asked him. "Did something scare you?"

  "No. My brain is just awake," Josh said pointing to his head.

  "You put your brain to sleep by lying down and closing your eyes," Jack said, leading him back to his bedroom. "Want me to sit with you?"

  "Can we watch TV like last night?" Josh asked with a hopeful expression.

  "No. It's very late and you need your sleep."

  Josh sighed as he climbed into his bed. Bringing the chair from the corner closer to his bed, Jack sat down.

  "Then we'll listen to music," Josh said. He leaned over and reached for the iPod. Josh went through the playlist until he found a particular song. "This is Dad's favorite," he said as the song "I'll Try Something New" by The Miracles started to play.

  "Do you know what this song is about?" Jack asked.

  "Yes. You always have to keep trying. Dwyers never give up! That's how I know Uncle Liam is going to be OK," Josh said and laid back down.

  Jack tucked him in and smiled. When the song ended, Jack played it again. The old song reminded Jack of how his father used to play Pablo Milanes and Tania Libertad singing "El Primer Amor". That was an old song too. It was old even when it played in that little bar in Puerto Vallarta where his parents met.

  After Jack's mother died, his father played the song over and over again. Jack only heard it through the closed door as he sat in the hallway outside his parents' bedroom. He would sit there waiting for his father to come out until the nanny or one of the maids shooed him away.

  But Jack needed to hear the music so he knew that his father was still there. As a seven year old boy, he didn't understand how his mother could be gone so suddenly. She told Jack, "Your dad is taking me out tonight, so I'm going to go and make myself pretty." She kissed his cheek and drove away. Later that day, the police were telling his father about a car crash, and he was sobbing. It was a terrible sound Jack had never heard before.

  After that, the house fell into a silence. That's why Jack sat outside that door where the music was playing. He missed the sound of his mother's voice and especially her laugh. It didn't seem possible that he would never hear or see her again. He could still hear her telling him the story of how she met his father.

  They met in Puerto Vallarta where Jack's mother was on summer vacation after her senior year in college. Jack's father was there on business. Jack's mother told him that when she first saw Alex Velarde in that smoky, little bar, he was the most beautiful man she had ever seen, and her heart flew to him like a bird.

  "That's why this is such a special old song. It takes me right back to that moment," his mother said.

  Now that his mother was gone, Jack knew his father played the song so he could see her again. Jack wanted to see her too. If he couldn't, at least he needed to see his dad. But once he stopped playing the song and finally came out, his father seemed different. He never smiled and he only had time for work. When he looked at Jack, an unbearably sad look would come into his eyes. He would turn away as if seeing Jack hurt him.

  When he lost Gina, Jack could look back at his father then and see a reflection of himself. Jack didn't know how to deal with his loss any more than his father did. So many years later, Jack felt that he finally understood him.

  Trying to bring himself back to the present, Jack looked at Josh as he slept. But he couldn't really see him as the past resurfaced again, and he saw Gina asleep in her pink bed. She was so small. Even as he closed his eyes, Jack could see her. Jack opened his eyes to the dim room, a little boy's room with Iron Man sheets, a globe on his desk, and the iPod and the speaker on his nightstand. He reminded himself that Gina was with her parents, and that right now Josh needed him. Jack had to be strong and steady for him so that when Josh got scared, he could look to him and know that everything was going to be all right.

  As he sat and Josh slept, Jack thought about Gus and seeing him the first time. He understood what his mother was trying to tell him about meeting his father – how a heart flies where it wants to be, how it has a will of its own. His heart had flown to Gus and that's where it would always be. Jack's heart was with Gus right now while he was so far away, but it was also here with Josh because he owned a part of it too. Or more like he had stolen it and ran off with it. Father and son, they were both Jack's life now. They had reached him right through the fear that was suffocating him. Now Jack wanted to be a man worthy of them.

  Sunday, when Jack and Josh were at the bistro, Brenda called again.

  "How long can you stay with Josh? I need to stay here for a day or two longer, and Abby can't make it back tonight."

  "It's no problem," Jack said.

  "Good. Abby called me. She had car trouble and has to stay over until her car is fixed."

  "That's fine. I can stay as long as you need me to," Jack assured her.

  After he told her how Josh was doing and made sure she had the latest news about Liam, Jack went to find Josh. He was sitting on that stepstool in the corner of the kitchen and watching the dinner prep. At this rate, he was going to know more about cooking than Jack.

  "That's good," Josh said when Jack told him he would stay with him another day.

  "It's good that Abby's car broke down," Jack teased him.

  "No. But now you don't have to go back to your hotel."

  "I'm glad about that too. So what should we do?"

  Josh thought hard then he shrugged.

  "When we go home, we can order a pizza," Jack suggested.

  "Yes!"

  After they went home and had pizza for dinner, Josh took Jack on a guided tour of his neighborhood. There were a lot of older, brick houses sitting under giant, old trees. The yards were big but not always well maintained. They saw other people walking around, many of them walking their dogs. Josh looked at the dogs enviously. Whenever Josh recognized someone, he wanted to stop and introduce Jack.

  "This is Jack. He's my friend and Dad's boyfriend and his boss too. He's not afraid of anything. He went everywhere, and he crashed in a plane."

  Most of the neighbors were amused rather than impressed. Kids around Josh's age did look at Jack in wonder while Josh smiled proudly.

  Once they got home, Jack asked, "What should we do now?"

  "We can have a snack," Josh said as he ran into the kitchen.

  "Are you hungry already?" Jack hadn't expected it after all the pizza Josh ate earlier.

  "Not really. My mouth is bored. We can have soda. Soda is good for that."

  They looked in the fridge, but there wasn't any.

  "Let's see if we can make our own soda," Jack said after a few bottles in the fridge gave him an idea.

  "You know how?" Josh asked.

  "We'll see if we have what we need. We have club soda, orange juice and grape juice. Do you have any Kool-Aid?"

 

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