Brooklyn, page 8
It took her a while to realize what was happening. She was in denial at first, certain that her cycle was just late. But by the third week of September, she was ready to face the truth. She knew that she was about to make the biggest decision of her life.
She talked to Amir about it one Sunday after church. They had fulfilled their duties of the day by looking and acting the part to the pleasure of their parents. Hope was holed up in her room talking on the phone with one of her study buddies. Brooklyn slipped into Amir’s room and sat on his bed while he organized his closet.
“How’s everything going?” she asked.
Amir laughed. “I should be asking you that. I feel like you’ve been ducking me for the last few weeks.”
Brooklyn looked down at the floor, guiltily. She had been strategically avoiding being alone with her brother for too long since she started making trips uptown. She knew that he already had questions about the guy she was involved with. She was worried that he knew her too well for her to lie to him convincingly. If he probed her too hard or pressed her for details, she wasn’t sure that she could keep up the facade.
“I think I got myself in some trouble,” she said.
He stopped with the hanger in midair and looked at her. “What happened?”
“The boy I told you about … I’ve been spending a lot of time with him.”
“Brooklyn, don’t tell me…”
“I think I’m pregnant.”
Amir dropped the hanger on the floor and leaned against the wall for support. He let out a deep sigh.
“Don’t worry,” Brooklyn said. “It’s okay. I have it all under control.”
He huffed.
“Trust me. I’m not that far along. Few weeks maybe. I thought about what my options are.”
“What options?” Amir seemed genuinely confused.
Brooklyn understood. In their world, her options were few. But she was determined to go her own way.
“For most girls, this is how it starts. Teen mother, deadbeat baby daddy, downward spiral. I could spend years stuck here chasing dreams that never come true. But that’s not me. That’s not gonna be my story. I’m handling this on my own.”
“What does that mean?” Amir looked as scared as Brooklyn had felt during the first few days after her missed period. But she had done her research and come to terms with her choice.
“I’m gonna get rid of it. And then I’ll be more careful from now on. Lesson learned.”
Amir frowned at her. She sounded so cavalier about it.
“Wait a minute, hold up. Brooklyn, who is the father? Why have you been so secretive about him? Do I know him? Does he know about this? And what do you mean you’re gonna handle it on your own?”
“He’s not somebody you know. He’s not from around here.”
“Where’s he from?” Amir asked.
“That doesn’t matter.” Brooklyn wasn’t ready to reveal all the details of her double life just yet. “He’s a good guy, treats me nice and all that. I really like him. But not enough to get stuck having a baby at my age. I haven’t even told him yet.”
“Why not?”
Brooklyn sighed, suddenly weary of Amir’s line of questioning.
“I’m just saying, he has a right to know about it,” Amir said.
She nodded. “I’m gonna tell him. But my mind is made up, Amir. I know it’s a sin to have an abortion. I’ll spend the rest of my life praying for forgiveness. But that doesn’t change my decision. Daddy preaches that no sin is greater than another. So, what I’m doing—what you and Jordan are doing—is no worse than the shit he’s doing.”
Amir thought about that. He shrugged. “I don’t know if that’s true. Maybe you’re right. I’m just worried about you. That’s all.”
“Don’t be,” she advised him. “Just don’t judge me.”
“Never,” he vowed.
She went to bed that night and imagined what a child would look like with Alonzo’s eyes and her smile. She imagined the fit that her parents would throw. She imagined Alonzo’s reaction to the news and felt dread wash over her.
Even though her mind was already made up, she wanted to believe that Alonzo cared for her. That their dalliance over the past few months had meant more to him than just sex.
She told him the news one afternoon at his apartment after school.
“You’re too young to be a mother,” Alonzo said. “And I’m not ready either.”
“The system is designed to kill Black babies.”
Brooklyn said it bluntly, then tossed the positive EPT pregnancy test kit on the bed. It was a phrase she had read in the “right to life” pamphlet a lady at the Planned Parenthood center had given her.
Alonzo stared at the pregnancy test laying among the crumpled sheets. He shifted his gaze to Brooklyn as he stood at his dresser, pulling cash out of the top drawer.
“We should have used protection. We made a mistake. But you’re too young to be a mother. You’re too good to be just another statistic. We both know what you have to do.”
Brooklyn stared back at him. She wasn’t shocked by his reaction, just disappointed. It was clear that he wasn’t remotely happy about the news. She had expected just a little smile, a slight glimmer of hope. But instead, he seemed bothered. Now she wished she never told him in the first place. She picked up the pregnancy test.
“I just wanted to see what your reaction would be. I thought you might be happy. Even a little bit.”
“I’m happy,” Alonzo lied.
“No, you’re not.” She shook her head. “But it’s cool. I planned on having an abortion anyway. It’s not even a baby yet,” she said. “I looked it up. It’s just a few cells in there, so if I do it now, while it’s still early, it’s not that deep. My mind was already made up before I told you.”
He looked at her, his brow furrowed. Brooklyn was an enigma to him. “You don’t have to pretend that you don’t care. I know you grew up in the church. I’m sure this is hard for you.”
“I’ll pray about it,” she said. “God forgives us for a lot of different things.” She gestured at the gun on his dresser to illustrate her point.
Alonzo looked at it and smirked.
Brooklyn continued. “I’m not ready to be a mother. And the last thing you need is a kid to slow you down. My parents would lose their minds. The church would make a federal case out of it. Everything would be chaotic.” She sighed. “I went to the Planned Parenthood center and found out how to do it without anybody finding out. All I need is for you to pay for it. And come with me so I don’t have to go through it by myself.”
He leaned against the dresser and met her gaze. “You know I got you.”
She strolled over to him, tossing the pregnancy test into the trash can as she walked. She slid her arms around his waist and kissed him softly on his lips.
“My appointment is Friday morning. I’ll meet you here at nine.”
His eyes widened. “Damn! You don’t waste no time, do you?”
She shook her head. “Time is money.” She smoothly slid one of the hundred dollar bills out of his hand.
He laughed and mushed her in the head playfully. “You’re crazy.”
She smiled, showing those dimples he loved so much. “You are, too. That’s why we’re good together.”
He was there as planned on that rainy Friday morning in early October, leaning against his car wearing a white T-shirt, a Yankees fitted, baggy jeans, and a pair of Filas. To Brooklyn, he looked as handsome as ever. She looked far less glamorous than she usually did when they got together. Instead of her usual skintight jeans, she wore a set of baggy black sweats from the Gap. She wore her hair in a ponytail and no jewelry. She hugged him tightly and he rocked her warmly in his arms.
“You change your mind?” he asked.
Brooklyn pretended not to hear the apprehension in his voice.
“No. But I won’t lie. I’m kinda nervous.”
It was an understatement. She was scared to death, unsure what to expect. Much like the first time they had sex, she wondered if it would hurt, whether anyone would find out, and how she would feel when it was all over.
“We don’t have to do this today. We have time. We can get out of here and go get something to eat.”
Brooklyn shook her head. “We gotta handle this today. I’ll be okay.”
He pulled her close. “Stop trying to act so tough all the time. It’s okay to let your guard down with me, hard rock.”
She smiled, hugged him back, and exhaled. She was glad he was so supportive. Being with him made her feel a little more at ease. He held the car door open for her as she got inside.
On the short ride to the clinic, neither one of them spoke much, both lost in their thoughts. They listened to the radio and made small talk. As they parked a short distance from the facility and prepared to get out of the car, Brooklyn stopped him.
“Am I your only girl?”
He laughed. “What kind of question is that?”
“Just answer it.”
“Yeah. You never see me with anybody else.”
“But I’m not around all the time. When I’m not, do you mess around with other girls? Maybe older chicks who have their own apartment?”
He laughed again, shaking his head. “Nah. I’m too busy on my grind. It’s just me and you.”
Her eyes bore into his. “You don’t have to lie to me.”
“I know. Why are you asking me this now?”
“Because I’m starting to really like you. When I realized I could be pregnant, for a second I imagined a life with you. I don’t know if that’s how it’s gonna go with us. But if it does, I need you to know that you don’t have to lie to me. I watched my father lie to my mother, watched her lie to herself my whole life. I want to be with somebody who tells me the truth. Somebody I can trust.”
Alonzo nodded. “I hear you loud and clear.”
She gathered her things and got ready for the grim task ahead of her.
He stopped with his hand on the door handle and smirked at her. “And, just so you know, ain’t no other girls. I got my hands full enough already with you.”
She laughed, leaned over to kiss his cheek, and decided to believe him.
Brooklyn woke up in a room all by herself. She felt stickiness between her legs and knew that it was over. She stared up at the bright light above her, closed her eyes, and cried.
A nurse walked in and saw her.
“Oh,” she cooed. “What’s wrong? Are you in pain?”
Brooklyn shook her head. She wasn’t sure how to describe what she was feeling. So many things all at once. Sadness, guilt, and shame all swirled together. She lifted her hands to her face but was impeded on one side by the IV in her arm. Flustered, she used her one free hand to wipe her tears away.
“Don’t cry,” the nurse said. “You’re okay.”
Brooklyn nodded, comforted by her words and her soothing voice. As the young nurse took her vital signs, Brooklyn admired the finger waves in her hair. She appreciated the nurse’s calm energy at a time like this.
“Your vitals are good. Can you move your legs for me?”
Brooklyn did as she was told.
“Okay. Any numbness, tingling, or pain anywhere?”
Brooklyn shook her head.
“Great.” The nurse picked up a clipboard and appeared to be rattling off a checklist. “So, is this your first abortion procedure?”
Brooklyn nodded and guilt washed over her again.
“Have you considered which birth control measures you’ll use going forward?”
Brooklyn groaned. These questions seemed ill-timed. Suddenly all she wanted was to be alone.
“It’s important to make sure that you don’t end up back here,” the nurse said. “Abortion is not a suitable method of birth control to use on a routine basis.”
Brooklyn stared at the wall in silence while the nurse carefully removed her IV.
“There are several options. You can have the doctor insert an IUD. That’s a device placed inside your uterus to prevent pregnancy.”
Brooklyn winced at the thought of another invasive procedure.
“Or we can prescribe you an oral contraceptive.”
“What’s that?” Brooklyn asked, desperate to get this over with.
“Birth control pills. If you choose that option, you’ll have to make sure that you take them every day, preferably at the same time. If you miss doses, it lowers the effectiveness.” She removed her gloves and disposed of them before looking at Brooklyn again. “Have you thought about it?”
“The pills,” Brooklyn said. “I’ll take those.”
The nurse nodded. “Regardless of which method of birth control you choose, you need to start using condoms. Don’t rely on your partner to have them. Ladies carry them around now because we figured out it’s up to us to protect ourselves. Other contraceptives might prevent pregnancy, but the only way to protect against HIV and other sexually translated diseases is to use condoms.”
Brooklyn stared at the nurse blankly, wishing she would go away. She was annoyed by her presence now and her facial expression showed it.
“We’ll bring you something light to eat, and then you’ll be released. Is someone here to take you home?”
Brooklyn nodded.
“Good,” the nurse said. “You’ll be out of here in no time.”
To Brooklyn’s relief, the nurse set two small packs of crackers and some water on the tray table and left. Brooklyn was glad to see her go. She thought about what she had just been through, wondered whether the baby would have been a boy or a girl. Shuddering at the thought, she sat up in the bed, grimacing a little at the ache in the hollows of her gut. She hadn’t eaten a thing since dinner the night before, so she hungrily devoured the crackers and washed them down with a long gulp of water.
She thought about her parents and what they would think of her now. She sneered at the thought, deciding that it didn’t matter. They were so caught up in their make-believe world—pretending that the James family was the picture of godliness—that they didn’t notice how imperfect things truly were. That Amir was gay, and that Brooklyn had just terminated an unwanted teen pregnancy. For all she knew, Hope might have been living a double life of her own. Meanwhile, their parents were busy counting money and practicing hypocrisy in various forms.
The nurse returned with her clothes and some instructions on how to care for herself post-procedure.
“Follow up with your GYN in six weeks. No sex until then. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t forget that your body needs time to heal from what you’ve been through. Make sure you take it easy.”
Brooklyn thanked her and decided that maybe the nurse wasn’t so bad after all. She was given a starter pack of birth control pills and a prescription for more. When the nurse was gone, she got dressed and quietly exited the room.
She found Alonzo slouched in a chair in the back corner of the waiting room. He stood and walked toward her when she entered.
“How you feel?”
Brooklyn could see the concern on his face and could hear it in his tone of voice. She shrugged.
“I’m okay. I just want to get out of here.”
He nodded. “Let’s go.”
He took her by the hand, and they left together and walked to his car in silence. He could sense that she was deep in thought, and he wasn’t sure how to break the ice. When they got into his car, he put the key in the ignition, sat back, and looked at her.
“You wanna talk about it?”
She stared straight ahead at the dashboard as she spoke.
“I feel okay. Physically. But deep inside I feel really sad. I know I did the right thing for right now. I wasn’t ready for a baby.” She wiped a tear away. “But I still feel guilty. I want to take a shower and wash this whole day off of me. I want to start over, Zo.” She turned and stared absently out the window on the passenger side. “I gotta get the fuck out of here. This place feels like it has me in a chokehold.”
“You mean the church and your parents and all that?” he asked.
“Yeah. Them, my teachers, everybody’s always watching me. But it’s not just the people. It’s this place in general. I want to leave Staten Island and just escape from all this…” The words escaped her, and she flopped her hands in her lap helplessly. “I wake up every day here and I know exactly what to expect. I know I don’t belong here. I want to leave all this behind and be in charge of my own thing.”
“What’s that thing?” he asked. “What you wanna do?”
She thought about the things that interested her. She liked to pamper herself and imagined herself in the beauty business. Maybe she could start doing hair and run a salon of her own someday. She liked expensive clothes even though her parents wouldn’t let her buy them. She often looked at the designer labels people on the subway wore with envy, imagining better ways they could have styled their pieces. She imagined herself owning a boutique.
She shrugged. “I’m not sure.”
Alonzo smirked. “When you figure it out, let me know. And we’ll make it happen.” He took her hand and linked his fingers with hers. “You went through a lot today. It’s got you thinking a lot and worrying too much. Just take it easy right now. Try to take your mind off everything.” He grinned. “You hungry?”
“Starving!” Her stomach growled for emphasis.
He started the car. “Let’s eat.” He glanced at her once more. “Shit ain’t gonna be like this forever. We’re gonna get up out of here. Both of us. I won’t be hustling forever. Just long enough to get established. When I get to the level I’m striving for, I’m gonna look out for everybody I rock with. Including you. Once I get this money flowing how I want it to, it’s on. Whatever you want to do. I mean that. I got you, Brooklyn.”
She felt her icy heart melt a little. And for the first time in weeks, she felt hopeful.
CHAPTER FOUR
Revelations
“Do you feel guilty?” Amir asked.
