“Take a case in which you are working perfectly but the twins can’t use you. By schedule, after you drop me, you all go back to base-time framework and to New Rome and the twins inquire for Delay Mail at the Archives. Who knows?— there may be some waiting there right now.”

  “Brother,” put in Lorelei, “‘now’ doesn’t mean anything. We’ve been in irrelevant phase ever since we lifted off.”

  “Don’t quibble, dear. The ‘now’ I mean is 2072 Diaspora, or 4291 Gregorian, your adulthood year. If it is.”

  “Laz, did you hear that?”

  “You asked for it, Lor. Pipe down and let Brother talk.”

  “The trouble is with the words themselves, Lorelei. You gals—you three gals—might spend part of the reach to Earth in inventing new language and appropriate syntax for space-time travel. But this imaginary case— You ground on Secundus, go to the Archives, and ask if any Delay Mail has been unsealed that has your name on it. Or Justin’s, or Ira’s. Or even addressed to me, as Lazarus Long, or as Woodrow Wilson Smith. I may try several ways, as I’ll be attempting it from a ‘now’ some centuries before Delay Mail became a routine way to preserve papers.

  “So you pick up whatever there is and go back to the ‘Dora’—and find her lock sealed and a sheriff guarding it. Con­fiscated.”

  “What!”

  “Dora, please don’t yell in my ear. This is a hypothetical case.”

  “That sheriff had better be able to shoot straight,” Lapis Lazuli said grimly.

  Her brother answered, “Lazi, you’ve heard me say nine thousand and nineteen times that we do not carry weapons to give us Dutch courage. If a gun makes you feel three meters tall and invulnerable, you had better go unarmed and let your sister do any shooting that’s necessary. Now tell me why you don’t shoot at the sheriff.”

  “Yes!” said Dora. “I want to be rescued!”

  “Quiet, Dora. Laz?”

  “Uh…we don’t shoot cops. Ever.”

  “Not quite. We don’t shoot cops if there is any way to avoid it. Safer to kiss a rattlesnake. In two thousand years and some I’ve always found a way to avoid it—although I did shoot kind o’ close to one once, to divert his attention. Unique circumstances. But in this hypothetical case shooting one cop is worse than useless; the Chairman Pro Tem has confiscated your ship.”

  “Help,” Dora whispered.

  “Why, Madam Barstow would never do anything that nasty!”

  “I didn’t say it was Susan Barstow. But Arabelle, had she lasted, would have enjoyed pulling that sort of stunt on the Longs. Let’s say Susan has dropped dead and the new CPT is as bad as Arabelle. No ship and no assets—what do you do? Remember, I’m depending on you—or I’m stuck back in the Dark Ages. What do you do?”

  “‘When in danger or doubt—…Run in circles, scream and shout,’” recited Dora.

  “Oh, stop it, Dora,” said Lapis Lazuli. “We don’t panic, that’s certain. We have ten years in which to figure out a— Hey! - Wait a moment; I’m using the wrong framework. We could take a hundred years if necessary. Or longer.”

  “A hundred years is plenty,” said Lorelei. “In less time than that we can steal another ship.”

  “Thank big,” advised Lazarus. “Steal the Pleiades. Far bet­ter not to steal anything, Lor.”

  “You stole a starship once.”

  “Because there was no time to do anything else. But with plenty of time at your disposal, it’s better to be reasonably honest—not break rules you can get caught breaking. Money is the universal weapon; to acquire it merely takes time and in­genuity, and sometimes work. Raise enough money and you might be able to buy the ‘Dora’ back. If that’s impossible, with much less money you could get to Tertius, where Ira and the family could find some way to lay hands on a starship. Then you could program it with the stuff Dora left in Athene—and come get me.”

  “Isn’t anybody going to come rescue me?”

  “Dora dear, this hasn’t happened, and it’s extremely unlikely to happen. But if it did and the twins weren’t able to rescue you—say that your new owner has you halfway across the Galaxy—”

  “I’ll crash him the first time he tries to land!”

  “Dora, stop being a nitwit. If we ever did lose you—most unlikely—and the twins could not rescue you but could rescue me—then if you’ve taken care of yourself, no crash landing or any other foolishness—we’ll find you, we’ll get you back. All three of us. No matter how many years it takes. Laz? Lori?”

  “You bet! ‘One for all, all for one!’ And it’s not just us-four, Dora; it’s the whole family—all the adults, all nine kids—might be more by then—and Athene. Brother, when Ira moved that we all take the last name of ‘Long,’ I liked it so much I couldn’t cry hard enough. Sis, you’re ‘Dora Long’— and the Longs don’t let each other-down!”

  “I feel better,” the computer admitted, with a sniffle.

  “You never had anything to feel bad about, Dora,” Lazarus continued. “You started this by insisting that my precautions were unnecessary. So I dreamed up a situation in which they would be necessary…especially so if the twins could not get at the programs you left with Athene—in which case they might have to fall back on time markers and recalibrate. So I had ‘em stuck on another planet and flat broke…so the first problem is to lay hands on money. Think you could do it, girls? In a hundred years? Without being caught in something that would put you in still more of a jam?”

  The twins glanced at each other. “Lor?”

  “Of course, Laz. Brother, that’s when we open our hook shop over a pool hall. Or somewhere.”

  Lazarus said, “I don’t think you two have the true vocation. And your noses are regrettably like mine. Homely, that is.”

  “Our noses are an asset—”

  “—because they do make us look like you—”

  “—so what is common gossip by now but unbelievable—”

  “—becomes quite believable once a client gets a look at us—”

  “—and aside from noses, we look pretty good—”

  “—‘built like brick outhouses,’ you told us—”

  “—and natural redheads, which Tammy says is cash in the bank—”

  “—and looking just alike but we can give ‘em variety—”

  ­“—just by one of us not using a depilatory—”

  “—which will make us a great sister act at very high prices; Maggie said so—”

  “—and if you think being horny isn’t enough true voca­tion—”

  “—which may be true and we concede that we’ll never be the great artist Tammy is, nevertheless—”

  “—New Rome is going to be amazed at how intense our vocation is—”

  “—when our brother’s safety is at stake!”

  Lazarus took a deep breath. “Thank you, darlings. While you’ll probably take a fling at it someday, I hope that you won’t need to do it to rescue me. I’m counting more on your mathematical ability and your skill as shiphandlers than I am on your undeniable physical and spiritual beauty.”

  “Did you hear that, Lor? That time he added ‘spiritual.”

  “I think he meant it.”

  “I hope so. It’s even nicer than being told we have fits as pretty as Minerva’s. Which we don’t, quite.”

  “Yes, you do,” their brother said absently. “Let’s get back to landmarks and such.”

  “I think you ought to kiss them,” said Dora.

  “Later. Now look, kids, prime rendezvous, exactly ten T-­years after you drop me—although you drop Andy s body first. How? Laz or Lor—not Dora. Of course you know all this, Dora; this review is for flesh-and-bloods. Fallible. Laz?”

  “Have Dora unfreeze him and bring his body up almost to cremation temperature and put him into atmosphere on a long slant just under orbital speed so that it will burn up, or almost, before it hits…and figure the ballistic to hit the mountains in case he’s not quite burned up—because we don’t want to hurt anybody.”

  “What mountains and how do you find them? Lor?”

  “These right here. Prime landmark, this big river that drains the central valley. Where this other big river comes in from the, west is our north landmark, the gulf they wind up in is the south landmark—no landmark on the west Arkansas is about the middle of that bracket. The Ozark Mountains are the only mountains in the bracket—but shoot for the south side of the mountains, this escarpment; the north side is not Arkansas. Brother, why does that matter?”

  “Sentiment, Lorelei. As far as Andy traveled and as little time as he spent on Earth, he was always homesick for his borning place. The only song he knew was one with a refrain of ‘Arkansaw, Arkansaw I adore thee!’ I used to get sick of it. But I promised him I would take his body back to Arkansas and it seemed to comfort him when he died—so we’ll do it. Who knows? Maybe the sweet little guy will know it…and it’s worth the trouble to carry out his last wishes. Prime rendezvous landmarks?”

  “This big canyon,” answered Lapis Lazuli. “Follow it to the east and drop south—this round black dot. A meteor impact crater. No dependable landmarks visible from orbit and good any century but this canyon—biggest on Earth. So we mem­orize the spatial relationship between canyon and crater so that we can spot it from any angle. If the light is right.”

  Dora said, “I’m sure I can see it in pitch-darkness.”

  “Dora honey, this drill is based on the pessimistic assump­tion that Ellandell might have to find it without your help. I want them to know the geography of Terra so well that they won’t have to ground and look for a road sign. No close approaches to the ground at all—except to put me down and pick me up. I don’t want to start a flying-saucer scare; I don’t want to attract any attention—some yokel might take a shot at me. It’s unfortunate that this ship is shaped such that ‘flying saucer’ isn’t too bad a description.”

  “What’s the matter with the way I look?” demanded Dora. “I look pretty damn good!”

  “Dear, you’re built like a brick outhouse—for a starship. You’re beautiful. It’s simply that unidentified flying objects— oofohs—were also called ‘flying saucers.’ I don’t believe in paradoxes…but I don’t want any attention.”

  “Brother, maybe we are one of those oofohs you told us about.”

  “Huh? Could be, I suppose. If so, let’s not get shot at. I want a quiet trip. If everything goes well, we can talk about letting one of you get on the ground with me next trip though durned if I don’t think a stacked redhead is more conspicuous than an unidentified flying object. Okay, the crater. I intend to be there, before sundown and after sunrise, from minus ten days to plus ten days at plus ten years. If I’m not there, what do you do?”

  Lapis Lazuli answered, “Look for you half a T-year later on top of the biggest pyramid at Gizeh—that’s here—at mid­night…only this time we scan for you minus thirty days through plus thirty because you aren’t certain when you can get there and may be able to manage it only once—bribes and things. Brother, do we go out half a light-year and reenter the time axis? Or stay in orbit and wait?”

  “That’s up to you,, I won’t use the Egyptian rendezvous unless I’ve pulled some goof that makes it unhealthy for me to meet you in Arizona. If I miss both dates, what do you do? Lori?”

  “Look for you again both places at eleven years and eleven and a half years.”

  “Then what?”

  Lorelei glanced at her sister. “Brother, this part we don’t go along with—”

  “—and that goes for Dora, too—”

  “It sure does!”

  “—because we won’t assume that you’re dead—”

  “—no matter how many times you miss rendezvous—”

  “—so we start checking both spots day after day—”

  “—and night after night—”

  “—and over nine hours’ local time difference means some weird partial orbits to check sunrise and sundown in Arizona and still check midnights in Egypt—”

  “—but Dora can do it—”

  “You bet I can!”

  “—and we’ll keep looking for you day after day—”

  “—and year after year—”

  “—until you do show up. Sir.”

  “Captain Lorelei, if I miss four rendezvous dates, I’m dead. You must assume that. Shall I put it in writing?”

  “Commodore Long, if you’re dead, you can’t give orders. That’s logical.”

  “If you assume that I am not dead, then my orders still apply…and you must give up the search. By the same logic.”

  “Sir, if you are out of the ship and out of touch, then you are hardly in a position to give any orders. But if you want to be picked up, there will be daily service from drop time plus eleven-and-one-half T-years on—”

  “—and on and on and on, because that’s what we promised the family—”

  “—even though we’ll have to run home occasionally for rejuvenation—”

  “—and to have babies, but neither of those will take any time in that time framework…as you pointed out in another connection.”

  “Mutiny.”

  The twins glanced at each other. “I’ll take it, Laz; I have to—odd-numbered day. Commodore, as you taught us before you ever let either of us take command in space, a commodore is actually a passenger because a ship’s master cannot give up even a little bit of her total responsibility. So ‘mutiny’ is not a word that can apply.”

  Lazarus sighed. “I’ve raised a couple of blinkin’ space lawyers.”

  “Brother, that’s what you taught us. You did.”

  “Okay, I did. You win the argument. But it’s silly to talk about checking every day for year after year indefinitely. I’ve never seen the prison I couldn’t escape from in less than a year—and I’ve been in quite a number. Maybe I should cancel the whole caper—no, no, I won’t argue it! Now about time markers, if something forces you to recalibrate: Simple enough to ground and find out the exact Gregorian date, but that’s exactly what I don’t want you to do…because neither of you has any experience in coping with strange cul­tures—and you would get in trouble and I wouldn’t be around to get you out.”

  “Brother, do you think we are that stupid?”

  “No, Laz, I do not think you are stupid. You each have exactly the brain potential I started with—and I’m not stupid or I would not have lived so long. Furthermore, you each have enormously better educations than I had at your age. But, darlings, these are the Dark Ages we’re talking about. You two have been brought up to expect rational treatment which you wouldn’t receive. I don’t dare let you put foot to ground in that era, even with me at your side, until after I have coached you endlessly in how to be consistently irrational in what you do and say. Truly.”

  Lazarus continued, “Never mind, you have two ways to read the clock from space. One is the Libby method, tedious but workable, by reading positions of the Solar System’s planets. The trouble with that one is that, unless you spend one devilish long time on difficult observations, you can mistake a configuration for one almost like it—but several thou­sand years earlier or later.

  “So we use what time marks we can find on the surface of Terra herself. The radioactive dating of that impact crater is probably close-but in any case, if the crater is missing, you’re too early by some centuries. The dates for the building of the Great Wall of China are quite good, same for the Egyptian pyramids. The dates for the Suez Canal and the Panama Canal are exact—so, unfortunately, is the date of the destruction of Europe—but don’t try to watch it! Keep your screens up and get out fast; that is a year when a strange spaceship would be shot out of the sky if you were careless enough to be vulner­able. In fact, if any time marker on this list shows that you are later than 1940 Gregorian, get out at once!—and shoot for an earlier date.

  “That’s enough for now; it’s getting toward bedtime by my sort of time, irrelevant though it may be to anything outside this ship. I want you to study all this stuff until you can recite it in your sleep, dates and what you look for and how to find it—even if you don’t have a Terra globe to look at. Any­body think she can beat me at crib? Don’t all speak at once.”

  “I can,” said Dora, “if you promise not to cheat on the shuffle.”

  “Later, Dora,” said Captain Lorelei. “Now we tell him.” “Oh! All right, I’ll be very quiet.”

  “Tell me what?” demanded Lazarus.

  “That it’s time for you to impregnate us, Lazarus.”

  “Both of us,” agreed Lapis Lazuli.

  Lazarus counted ten chimpanzees in his mind—then ten more. “Absolutely out of the question!”

  They glanced at each other. Lorelei said:

  “We knew you would say that—”

  “—but the only question is whether you do it sweet and friendly like—“

  “—or we tell Ish you said No and she does it for us—your sperm—from the sperm bank—”

  “—but we’d be much happier if our beloved brother, who has always been good to us—”

  “—but is now going to go get his ass shot off in the Dark Ages—”

  “—were to drop his silly prejudices just once—”

  “—and treat us as biologically mature females—”

  “—instead of the children we used to be—”

  “—Ira and Galahad and Justin don’t treat us as children—”

  “—but you do and it’s not just humiliating; it’s downright heartbreaking when we may never see you again—”

  “—when you didn’t make any real fuss about knocking up Minerva—”

  “—not to mention Tammy and Hamadarling and Ish—”

  “Stop it!”

  They stopped.

  “I concede a remote possibility with respect to three of them, although mathematically most unlikely.”

  Lorelei said quietly, “Mathematically extremely likely, Lazarus, because we were all in on it. Justin and Ira and Galahad hung back at the right times just the way they in­sured that Minerva’s first baby was Ira’s and Tammy’s first was Justin’s. But if it did not work out—for any one of four, not ‘three’—then Ishtar will correct it from the sperm bank.”

 

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