Silence In Numbers: File One, page 17
Reno glanced at her. “And no offense, boss, but I think you’d benefit a lot from having her as a friend, too. Besides, she likes you.”
“Mmm.” Katsumi looked away again, smiling. “I like her too. Tell you what, Reno, when you talk to her tonight tell her to come up with a time to meet me tomorrow. Her choice. Tell her to call me and I’ll be there.”
Reno smiled. “Thanks, boss. I really appreciate you giving it a chance. I know you’re not really fond of getting to know random people.”
“Lenora isn’t a random person, Reno, she’s your wife. She’s as close to family as any of you are.”
“She’d be ecstatic to hear that.”
“Yes, she does seem to be a very caring person… I agree with your belief that she’d be good for me. Even if she is a little too good at seeing through me for my liking.”
Reno grinned. “Yeah, she has a habit of doing that. She doesn’t like to let painful things lie, she prefers trying to fix them.”
“So I’ve seen. I hope she’s willing to let some things lie, though. There are some things I don’t talk about, friend or not.”
“Hey, she’ll learn like the rest of us did, right? Just, uh, don’t hit her like you did the rest of us, please.”
“Honestly I’m not sure who would come out on top if I did,” Katsumi responded dryly, eliciting a laugh from Reno. Katsumi was grateful that the conversation ended there, allowing her to go back to thinking. She was starting to believe she’d have to give up a little of her “acting strong” in order to gain some more actual strength, otherwise she wasn’t sure how much longer she could take everything.
That meant opening up a little, a thought that both angered and scared her. In the end, though, if it helped keep her sane, it would be worth it.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
It didn’t take Katsumi too long to be fixed up, which she was thankful for. For once she was actually feeling like lying down for a while. It’d been two weeks since she’d really slept; she’d only had about eight hours total since then and it was really wearing on her by this point. On top of that she was on the verge of breaking down more than she’d done in front of Sano, barely keeping control of her emotions – and she needed to keep that locked down until she could get to Ayane. She stood in the OR of Aegis HQ, staring out the window as she flexed a recently-repaired wrist, deep in thought as she often found herself these days.
She felt a presence behind her and turned to see Law standing in the doorway. She’d known this conversation was coming… She’d been dreading it since she left, but she wasn’t going to avoid it. Law walked into the room until he stood right in front of her, staring down at her. “We’re a team.”
“I know,” Katsumi responded quietly. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” he asked a little incredulously. “You just ran off. You didn’t ask me to come, didn’t take anyone else with you or even tell us what you were doing. Is that how a leader acts?” Katsumi looked at the floor and Law sighed, running a hand over his bald head. “You messed up.”
“Again,” Katsumi said softly. She didn’t even look back up at him. Law was her oldest friend; she’d known the man for well over a decade. He knew her, knew why she did what she did, but still… “You deserved better,” she voiced her thoughts. “You’re right, about everything you just said.” Law watched her as she sat on the windowsill. “I’ve spent the last two weeks wondering if I’m the right person for this job… Hating myself for mistakes and failures… Even now, none of my questions are answered and none of my emotions are solved.” She looked up at him. “I lost control, Law… I abandoned my responsibilities, my duty and my team because of my emotions. It was wrong… childish, even… but I feel like I’m beginning to break down bit by bit.”
Law set a large hand on her shoulder. “I didn’t mean to be so harsh…”
“Yes you did,” Katsumi smiled sadly. “Don’t start making excuses for me just because I feel like this. Just…” She looked away. “Tell me… if you think I’m unfit to be leader now. I’ll listen to you. Be honest…”
Law took a step back, shaking his head. This really wasn’t what he’d been looking for at all. He’d just been angry. “No one’s perfect. You’re just going through a rough patch right now. Everyone’s got a rough patch. I don’t think you’re going downhill or unfit to lead us.”
“You’d tell me if I were, wouldn’t you?” she asked quietly as she looked at him.
“I wouldn’t risk your life and our lives by lying if I really thought you should step down. You just need to relax a bit, take a little break and get some actual sleep. When was the last time you slept?”
Katsumi smiled softly. “I’ve been trying to remember.”
“Then go home and do so. That’s my honest opinion. That’s the repayment I want for this little stunt of yours.”
Katsumi smiled at him. “Thank you, Law.” She stood up and looked into his eyes. “I’m sorry, again… I’m disappointed in myself and… I hope you’ll forgive me and let me re-earn your trust.”
“You’ve had my trust for years. You can’t lose it that easily. As for forgiveness, you had it when you apologized the first time. I was just angry and needed to hear you say it.”
“I understand. Thank you… Do me a favor? I’m going to visit Ayane, and then crashing… Tell the team they have the week off. Let Reno stay home with his family and you do whatever you want. It’ll give us all a week to rest up, and it’ll give me some time to get myself back together.”
“Will do, Captain.” Law smiled and waved her off. “Have a good night.”
Katsumi nodded and left the building, not planning to stop - until she ran into Rufus outside. Both of them stopped for a second, staring at each other until Rufus spoke. “You went emotional.”
“I did.”
“Try not to do it again. That was not a valuable sacrifice.”
“Value wasn’t in my head.” Katsumi smiled slightly. “Are you including underworld clean-up in your calculations?”
“I can factor it in.” Rufus smirked. “Although I wouldn’t call anything you did ‘clean-up’ considering the amount of cleaning that is now required in your wake.”
“You’re just upset at the kill-count difference.”
“Perhaps.” Rufus paused, tilting his head.
Katsumi was silent as well, meeting his gaze. He understood why she’d done what she’d done, so that didn’t need to be said – and ‘I’m sorry’ wasn’t something she had to say to Rufus. She knew that all he was looking for was an acknowledgement – and that she was willing to do. “I made a mistake,” she stated, watching him nod. “I’m looking into the reasons.”
“We both know it wasn’t the kid.”
Katsumi smiled sadly. “Of course it wasn’t… Not entirely, anyway. We’ve both seen things like that many times before.” She looked off to the side. “Unfortunately I’m not sure about anything… A combination of stress, fatigue, frustration and pride is looking possible.”
“Maybe.” Rufus walked closer, stopping beside her and adjusting his shades. “Keep an eye on it. We can’t always afford weakness.”
“Understood.”
Rufus moved past her but stopped after a few steps, looking back. “Glad you’ve returned… But I won’t forgive you the next time you decide to ignore the law and go on a killing spree and don’t allow me to join in the fun.”
Katsumi smirked over her shoulder. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Reno arrived home and got out of the car in a far better mood than he’d been in for the past two weeks. The terrorist was gone, Katsumi was back and he’d just been told he had the week off again, this time without interruption. He walked up to the door and smiled as his wife greeted him at it again. “Any news?”
Reno nodded and took off his coat. “We found her, and she’s more or less alright.”
Lenora sighed. “Thank God. What does ‘more or less’ mean?”
“Well she wasn’t really injured, but… she’s definitely not back to normal. I don’t know if I should really talk about this, but I know you won’t tell anyone.” Reno folded his arms, looking troubled. “When we picked her up it looked like she’d been… crying. Which is ridiculous, she doesn’t do that.”
“Everyone does that.”
“Not Katsumi,” Reno corrected. “Not Captain Sama. She didn’t seem like herself. She apologized to me for leaving and she was all soft-spoken while she was doing it.”
“All of this has affected her, Reno, even though she tried not to show it. I hope you were understanding.”
“Of course I was. Oh, by the way, she wants to know if you’d like to have lunch with her tomorrow.”
Lenora blinked. “Lunch?”
“Yeah. Just you two, I’d be watchin’ my little girl.”
“Well, yes, of course!”
“Good, I think she could really use a friend right now. She said to call her at some point and tell her whatever time you’d like to meet tomorrow.”
“I’ll do that!” Lenora smiled. “I’m surprised… You said something, didn’t you?”
“Well,” Reno rubbed his neck, “I may have suggested it a little after she said she wanted to apologize to you, too.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. She seemed happy about my idea, though. Believe it or not she said you’re as close to being her family as any of us are.”
Lenora blinked. “Wow… She really said that? That’s a lot of pressure… And she deserves actual family. Everyone needs family.”
“Well you’re the best family anyone could ask for, so if anyone can help her with that, it’s you.”
“I hope so. At least I know she’s open; I don’t imagine she’d force herself to do this if she didn’t want to. I’ll come up with a time and give her a call. Why don’t you go ask Lianne where she’d like to go with you tomorrow?”
Reno grinned. “Great idea!”
Lenora watched him walk off before her thoughts went back to the following day. People like Katsumi Samakura rarely opened up, if ever. Lenora was excited knowing she had a chance to actually get to know the woman, but she was also a little nervous. She knew Katsumi needed someone close more than she did; after all, Lenora had Reno, while Katsumi had no one. Messing this up would be worse for Katsumi than anyone else and Lenora hated being unable to help people more than anything. She didn’t plan to lose this chance.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Ayane looked up as Katsumi came in. She immediately read the emotions in her older sister and moved over on her bed, opening her arms. Katsumi dropped onto the bed, curling up against Ayane as the younger woman wrapped her arms around her. “Oh, Sumi… I haven’t seen you like this in a long, long time.”
Katsumi laid her head on her sister’s chest, closing her eyes as tears ran from them. “I haven’t felt like this in a long, long time…” she said softly. “I feel like I failed everything. I wanted to give up today.”
Ayane hugged Katsumi tightly. “I know. It’s impossible not to feel that at some point when you do what you do.”
“I feel like I did right after mother…”
“Hey, this is nothing like that,” Ayane said as she looked down at her sister.
“It’s similar,” Katsumi said with a distant look in her eyes. “I failed… every part of this. I didn’t even find him. I abandoned my team, my duties, you… all for nothing. I didn’t even find him myself, only when they sent me his location. Everything would have been the same without me.”
“You didn’t fail anything, Sumi. And this is coming from someone who knows every detail of your last two weeks. I’m proud of you. Do you hear me?”
Katsumi looked up at her. In reality, while Katsumi had almost always been ‘the older one’, the adult, the one that usually took care of her… in truth, she was only three years older than Ayane, and times like this really reminded the younger girl of that. Even Katsumi couldn’t always be the adult. “Really?”
Ayane met her look with a gentle smile. “Yes. You should know that. You know how highly I think of you; doesn’t it mean something that I’m not disappointed?”
“Yes… Of course it does.”
“You tell that stupid self-deprecating mind of yours that, then. You should trust me more than it.”
Katsumi gave a small smile. “I do. Your opinion’s more important to me than anyone’s.”
“Well I’ve known you almost thirty-one years now. I know everything there is to know about you.” Ayane smiled. “I know you deserve a lot better than to be hating yourself for not saving ‘enough’ people. I guarantee you that none of the people you saved hate you. Be proud of what you did, Katsumi, because no one else could’ve done it. You’ve always been amazing like that.”
Katsumi sighed, burying her head in her sister’s chest, surrounded by pale blue hair. “You always know exactly what to say. It’s almost not fair…”
“That I won’t let you stay in a depression?” Ayane smiled. “Come on, you’re better than ‘poor me’, Sumi. I like when you’re happy. Plus when you’re happy you don’t think about making stupid decisions like quitting.”
“Stupid?”
“Of course it was stupid. We both know you’d go crazy without that job. What would you do, sit around and knit?”
Katsumi laughed softly. “You have a point…”
“And more than one, too. What about the money for our house, huh? I’m not exactly making millions sitting in here.”
“You’re right… as always.” Katsumi lifted her head to look at her. “Still… I think I did pretty well at… being selfish, for a second there.”
“You could use practice,” Ayane smiled.
“I might get it… Now that this is happening again.”
“Your emotions, you mean?” Katsumi nodded and Ayane sighed, running her fingers through her older sister’s hair.
“We still don’t know why…”
“I know. But this time wasn’t as bad as last time.”
“What if it becomes that bad? What if they get even more uncontrolled? I could-“
“That won’t happen,” Ayane assured her. “I won’t let it. We’ll work at it together.”
“I feel like they’re tearing their way out of me,” Katsumi said in a quiet voice, not lifting her head from her sister’s chest. “Everything’s in chaos…”
“Then let’s focus the good ones,” Ayane said comfortingly. “And you can let everything out with me – it’s keeping them in that causes so much stress.”
Katsumi sighed, closing her eyes. “I guess you’re right…”
“You need to relax, and to rest, and to take care of yourself… or for me to take care of you.” Ayane smiled. “Will you stay here tonight?”
“You just don’t want to send me home where I’ll be alone.”
“Maybe… Is that a no?”
“Of course not.” Katsumi smiled. “I’m surprised you don’t mind sharing the bed again, though, having had it to yourself all this time.”
“It’s overrated. I prefer a sleeping arrangement that gets me breakfast made in the morning.”
Katsumi chuckled. “After the life we’ve had you still ended up spoiled.”
Ayane smiled brightly. “It’s a talent!”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Katsumi grunted, rolling over as her phone rang. Having been asleep for the first time in nearly two weeks it was a little hard to wake herself up enough to answer. She checked the time: 8:00 PM. Ayane grumbled beside her, snuggling closer in an obvious ‘I’m not getting up’ move. “Whoever’s calling, kill them so they can’t call again…”
Katsumi chuckled. “You’re violent when you wake up…” She pulled the phone to her ear. “Hello?” she answered groggily. Hardly her professional manner, but she wasn’t exactly feeling professional at the moment.
“Oh! I’m so sorry, you were sleeping, weren’t you? Of course you were sleeping, I should have realized-“
“Calm down, Lenora,” Katsumi said through a yawn, “any time you called me I’d be asleep. I’m not getting up until tomorrow morning. I expected to be woken up by your call.”
“Oh, okay. I’m glad you’re catching up on sleep.”
“That makes two of us,” Katsumi chuckled. “I’m taking this whole week to play catch-up. Catch up with sleep, catch up with rest, catch up with friends, catch up with work. In that order.”
“You’re actually putting work last for once?”
“For this week only.” Katsumi smirked. “Don’t expect me to change. I just don’t want to lose all my sanity. But yes, I figured the whole team needs a rest week at this point. I don’t think it’s been easy for anyone.”
“No, I don’t think it has. I really appreciate that decision myself; the time off you give Reno is always important to our family.”
“Mmm. People with families should spend time with them.” She looked at Ayane who opened an eye to stare back at her through her now-messy blue hair.
“I know you give him more time off than anyone else. The rest of you need it, too, though.”
“Sano has friends he visits and places he goes during time off, so he enjoys it. I don’t ask what the other two do, but they seem not to care one way or the other on vacation days.”
“And you?”
“I tend to hate extended time off. I need to take it this week though.” Katsumi’s voice grew a little quieter. “I’m starting to take more notice of my limitations,” she continued as Ayane continued to watch and listen.
“If you work yourself too hard, you burn out. You’ll be a lot more effective if you take a rest every so often. It’s pure logic.”
“That’s how I’m trying to think about it. I’m still going to go crazy on days off.”
“Well maybe I can help you stay sane a little. Reno told me you wanted to go to lunch tomorrow?”
“If you’re available.” Katsumi rubbed her eyes. “I need to talk to you as much as I do the members of my team.”
“Well, we can get into that tomorrow. How does one in the afternoon sound? It will give you plenty of time to be awake, but later than that I think you’d be starving.”
