Fortune in Name Only, page 17
“I know that’s your take on it,” she said then. “But there are two of us here, Asa, and a true partnership has to consider both sides.” She’d come up with that on the drive home that afternoon.
“Yes, when the agreement is being made,” he countered, without even a pause to think about her side. “But our marriage, our relationship...that’s a done deal. Based on a mutual agreement. One party can’t just suddenly decide to change everything up after the deal has been signed.”
The deal under which they’d signed their wedding license.
He wasn’t budging. Clearly he had no intention on hearing her out.
Dashing her hopes.
Except...he wasn’t throwing her out. Even as he rejected her, kindness emanated from him.
Because he cared that much.
It was that—the love he’d professed, the love she felt—that kept her from apologizing, excusing herself, and slinking quietly away.
Because their lifetime of living and loving together, of having a family, was at stake.
She might not get what she wanted.
But she could no longer live with herself if she didn’t reach for her stars.
* * *
She wasn’t leaving.
He had logic, fairness, decency, even rationality on his side. Everything that ruled successful interpersonal relationships.
And was in the right on a critical point that would protect them for the rest of their lives.
If it had been anyone else but Lily standing there, he’d have extricated himself from the situation.
However, he couldn’t do that with her. Not just because they were legally married...but because he truly loved the person she was. He wanted her in his life. Valued her friendship more than any other single thing. All of which he’d already told her.
She moved and relief flooded him, until he saw that she was heading for his bathroom door, not the one leading her back to the hallway, to her own room, outside of his suite, which he could lock as soon as she exited.
His robe fell off her shoulders as she moved, and by the time he realized what she was doing, returning his robe to the hook on the back of the door, he was already hard again.
Staring at that incredibly beautiful body in the tantalizing piece of man-killing lingerie.
He wanted her so badly it scared him. Truly sent shivers of fear through him. How was he going to control his desire for her if she was throwing herself at him like that?
Knowing she wanted him made it a hundred times harder.
“You do realize that if we continue to have sex, I’m going to start wanting you like all the rest of the casual women in my life, right?” The words spewed forth out of desperation.
She stood her ground silently.
“Sex always brings issues—heightened emotions...expectations...and when one can’t meet them, there are over-the-top disappointments, too...”
“We’ve already had sex, Asa. You can’t undo that.”
He didn’t know how to get through to her. Almost panic driven, he gritted out, “You’re asking for something I can’t give you, Lil. Believe me, I want to give you everything your heart desires, but I can’t do this.” He knew his words were hurtful and regretted having to say them.
However, the stricken look he’d expected to see on her face wasn’t there.
Instead, her gaze seemed to be filled with compassion.
“You’re free to choose to give us a try, Asa, in a legitimate marriage. It’s not that you can’t. Esme was talking to me about the way you guys grew up. She told me about reaching too soon for love with her first husband, because she was so desperate to find what she knew was out there...” She paused. “It’s clear that the acrimonious home your parents raised you three in affected you all deeply. And differently. I’m not saying there aren’t valid reasons for your concerns. I understand where you’re coming from. But it seems criminal to allow your parents’ and aunt’s and uncle’s mistakes, and your fear of repeating them, to deny you your greatest happiness.”
“I already have my greatest happiness. Right here.” He raised his arm, encircling the air around him. “This ranch. And your friendship. The rest, the sex...that’s transitory. It makes people do things, promise things, that aren’t right for them, because in the moment, they’re so consumed by physical need they can’t think straight.”
“Have you ever, once, promised anyone anything during sex?”
His tension grew. “No.” Because he’d specifically made it a point to say what had to be said before he ever got to that point with a woman. Including her.
And yet...somehow, there he was.
“You have no guarantee that it will turn bad between us, Asa. We can talk things out...just like we are doing right now. We care about the same things—the ranch, the people in our lives. We honor family. I’m so in love with you that I can’t fathom life without you. And you’ve shown me over and over that you care enough about me to keep my feelings in the mix, too. We wouldn’t be having this conversation otherwise.”
He heard all her words. But the I’m so in love with you part was what kept reverberating through him.
She couldn’t be. And if she was, then it was up to him to save them.
“There’ve been a lot of couples who’ve made it work for a lifetime, Asa. We might very well be one of them. All I’m asking is that you give us the chance to have it all. A real family. Maybe even kids someday.”
Kids. Like Esme’s little guys. A flash of himself at the fishing pond, with little four-year-old Jimmy putting his hand trustingly in Asa’s hit him. Along with his thought of having a son of his own someday.
But not at the risk of making an eventual enemy out of Lily.
“Kids are one of the top reasons married couples fight.” Money and sex were the other two. He’d looked it up. “Because of the strong emotions they bring.” Just like the other two. She was making his point for him and didn’t even seem to grasp that.
“People fight, Asa. There’s a difference between healthy disagreements, and the kind of acrimonious dissension you grew up with.”
When he opened his mouth, she held up a hand and said, “Look, how about we just try it for the six months we agreed to stay married. I’ll know, going in, that it’s only a trial. If it doesn’t work, we’ll divorce as planned and be friends only...”
“But you knew going in that the marriage was going to be platonic and in name only.” And there she was less than a month later, trying to change the whole agreement on him.
“But we both broke that original agreement, mutually, on our wedding night. And then again downstairs on the couch. And yesterday...out in the woods...”
His mind immediately shot to—and away from—that memory. It was one he knew he couldn’t dwell on.
“I’m not trying to make you someone you aren’t, Asa. If, after trying this, you still feel as strongly about not taking a chance on a real marriage, then I will respect that choice and still love you with all my heart. As forever friends. All I’m asking is for you to open your mind to the possibility of something more, and give us a shot.”
For a second there, he thought about it. Seriously wanted to consider the idea.
But, though she had good talking points, he told his truth. “It’s not just about the sex, Lily. It’s about being free to walk away.” He didn’t know how to articulate what raged inside him, but he did his best. “That’s what always brings you back, knowing that when you need a breather, you have the ability to walk away. In a marriage, you can’t do that. In a marriage, you’re promising not to walk away. And that puts chains around you. Chains made of expectations. And when the chains get too tight, you go into fight mode. It’s a natural reaction. Instinct.” Which was something no amount of talking, or even wanting, could change.
He knew the second she gave up. Her face flattened. Became one he recognized from his first months of knowing her. The face she gave to the world.
Hiding herself behind it.
And a part of him was relieved to have that friend back.
The rest of him just ached.
Chapter Nineteen
Lily hadn’t planned a worst-case scenario.
She’d expected stipulations and conditions. But not Asa’s point blank refusal to even attempt to see if they could make a real marriage work.
And his response to her mention of having kids with him?
That children were one of the top three reasons couples fought?
His definition of fighting between married couples, and hers, were vastly different. She’d lived in enough homes to get the gist of the whole husband and wife dynamic. Yes, there were definitely arguments. Strong disagreements, even, like when Sandy and Tom, her twelfth-year parents, had had to give her up to move to Wisconsin where he’d had a tremendous job offer. One that would allow them to afford lessons and opportunities for their own kids, including sending them to college. She hadn’t been meant to overhear that particular argument, but it was one she’d never forgotten.
And what she’d learned was that when people truly loved each other, were honestly and wholeheartedly committed to each other, that love showed them each other when push came to shove. And, seeing each other, instead of just themselves, helped them to find what was best for both. And for their family.
Lily stood there, in her ridiculously revealing piece of cheap lingerie, and felt the cold, hard truth settle over her.
The problem between her and Asa was that they were not both wholeheartedly devoted to each other. She was fully committed to loving him forever. Had accepted that he was a piece of her heart and soul.
But to him, no matter how good things might be between them in bed, she was and always would be his freckled friend in the GreatStore uniform.
In his own way, whether he realized it or not, that was the truth he’d been trying to tell her all along.
She didn’t blame him. She couldn’t. After all, he could no more help how he felt than she could.
And he’d tried so hard to spare her. Had given her every piece of her heart’s desire that he had to give.
But it wasn’t enough.
And that was her truth.
She’d seen that look on her mother’s face. The pure joy involved in pushing her babies in a stroller. She might not ever have that, but she could no longer go through life without giving it her all. Her parents would expect that of her.
And she, an offspring of them, owed it to them, to honor the too shortness of their lives, by making the most of every moment of her own.
Lifting her chin, she looked the love of her life straight in the eye and said, “I can’t do it, Asa. I can’t stay in the house, sleeping down the hall from you, sharing groceries and furniture with you, knowing that there’s no chance of us ever being a real family together.” Instead of losing air due to a tight chest as she spoke, she found herself breathing more freely. Her voice growing stronger as self-honesty poured out of her. “I’ll honor our agreement. I’ll attend the party tomorrow night and pretend. I’ll stay married to you for six months, and even live on the ranch, in the cabin you used to occupy. But that’s it. I’m going to sign the ranch over to you this week. And when the six months is done, so am I. Here. And, maybe, with you.”
She faltered there. Felt her throat thicken, but said, “If I can be happy meeting you at the Corral for drinks now and then, okay. But if not...” She shook her head and then settled her gaze straight on his again. “I want a real marriage, Asa. I want children. A home. I deserve a family of my own. And I don’t think I’ll ever find that as long as my heart is close to you.”
Turning her nearly naked fanny on him, she held her head high, her shoulders straight, and walked out of his room.
In her heart, she’d just walked out of his life.
* * *
Asa held his ground as Lily walked out. Told himself that she’d calm down. Change her mind. He went to bed. Even slept some. On and off.
In between bouts of waking up, having reality and panic hit him simultaneously, it took a great deal of effort to fall back to sleep.
Fortunately, by the time he was out of the shower Saturday morning, he was feeling better. On top of the fear and confident that everything would work itself out.
It always did.
Then he saw Lily’s note.
She’d be taking care of the office for him in the short go, but he needed to be looking for a full-time employee to assume the duties as soon as possible.
He told himself it was just the disappointment and hurt feelings talking, that when a little time passed, she’d still want to work at the farm—not because of him, but because of her own attachment to the place. Because it was as much her dream to own the dude ranch as it was his.
And then he saw the Horse For Sale sign tacked up to the community bulletin board outside the public restrooms and showers by the pool in the cabin neighborhood.
Laura?
She was selling Laura?
Staring at the picture of the horse he’d bought for Lily, the horse he knew for certain she loved, he could no longer talk sense into emotions that were roiling through him.
She was removing Asa, and things associated with him, from her life in an effort to take back ownership of her heart and move on to a future that held her dreams.
To find her heart’s greatest desire.
A family of her own.
Tearing down the sign—he’d buy the horse if he had to—Asa raced his four-wheeler back up to the office area, looking for Lily. Her four-wheeler was parked in its usual spot. As was her car.
He breathed a sigh of relief until he strode into the office, intending to drop the wadded up For Sale sign on her desk, to meet her calm, clear gaze, and hear, “Sorry for the note.”
Finally. She’d calmed down. Was coming around.
Shoving the wadded-up paper into his back pocket, uncaring that there was hardly space for it, he accepted her apology with an, “That’s okay.”
“I just wasn’t sure I’d see you this morning, and I want to give you all the time you need to find a replacement for me.”
What?
Getting up from her desk, she let him know that ranch business was all in line for the day. Their part-time desk help was already on-site. And finished with, “I’m going upstairs now to pack my things. I’ll be moving into the cabin before we head to the party tonight. What time do you want to meet up to head in?”
“Head in?” His head was spinning.
“We’ll need to drive together tonight,” she said, sounding like a waitress serving a customer. “To keep up appearances.”
Right. Their wedding celebration.
“Six,” he told her robotically. Not even sure what time they were supposed to be there.
“Okay. I’ll meet you right here,” she said then, and moving by him, leaving a good two yards between them, she walked out on him.
Again.
Asa turned to go after her. Took a couple of fast steps...to do what? Say what?
Frustrated, unable to find anything that sounded good to him, he kept walking fast. Just not after Lily. He got into his truck and drove into town. Not bothering with things like speed limits and turn signals.
Partially because there was no one else around who could be hurt by his actions.
But as soon as he hit city limits, he wanted to turn around and go back.
To what?
Instead he went to the park. The place he’d gone the night after he’d walked out after sex. Not only was it too early in the day for beer but things like alcohol and mouthing off didn’t work when it came to his feelings for Lily.
He’d never had a friend like her. One who’d be missed so much when he moved on that he’d think twice about going.
He walked around, mostly kicking rocks, feeling more pent up than ever, and headed back to his truck.
“Asa!” Spinning, he saw his great-aunt Freya heading toward him from across the street.
And thought about how lucky he was. Living his dream because of the older woman’s generosity.
He greeted her with a smile. Asked how she was doing. Then walked with her toward his truck.
“You coming to the party tonight?” he murmured.
“I wouldn’t miss it.” Her words sounded strong. Certain. But she was frowning at him. “Except that, why do I get the feeling you’re not looking forward to it as much as I am?”
It was almost as though she knew...
Guilt gnawed at him. Freya had opened her heart to him and his siblings and cousins, had moved to town to be near them, to watch them enjoy their inheritances, and he’d cheated to use her money to buy his ranch.
“I screwed up, that’s why,” he told her. Somehow thinking that if he owned up to the original wrongdoing, it would somehow be able to right the mess he’d made of his friendship with Lily.
Freya didn’t seem fazed. “I’ve lived a long time and have seen a lot of wrong turns in my life. Usually turns out there are ways to right them.” They’d slowed to a stop on the sidewalk in front of his truck.
“Not this one.” He was working up the words to tell her the truth, and when he opened his mouth to say them what came out was, “I lost Lily.”
“You what?” the woman’s near screech didn’t sound at all kind or supportive.
“The way I grew up... I can’t do a repeat. I told her so, thinking she understood, but she didn’t. I love her, Aunt Freya. I told her that, I just...” And there it came. The news about the fake marriage, fashioned to get Val Hensen to sell him the farm. He and Lily writing their own wedding vows, pledging to be friends forever. Her telling him she was in love with him.
And confessed his own response, too. Almost word for word.
What a pitiful picture he made. Big tough cowboy that he was, in his jeans and tough boots, big shoulders casting shadows on the older, more frail woman in front of him—whining to her like a little kid.
